Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Update
I have recovered from my yoga experience. Yesterday I went to a different class and did well....actually well. So I felt good and proud. What a delicate psyche I have....
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Psych consult
I must warn you - this is a long one!
As I have blogged before, I am not a girl who likes and/or chooses to exercise. I go through phases when I feel good about - I am inspired to get it done and it feels good. I go through other phases when I resent the fact the our bodies can't just carry on as usual. I am sure so many people can relate - this is why I blog.
It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't know better. I mean if I had the luxury of ignorance, things would be a lot easier. I wouldn't be hearing the voice in my head all day of "you should have taken those extra 20 minutes to walk" or "you paid for the yoga class, you should really have gone".....or worse yet "you hate feeling puffy and crippled, DO something about it dumb ass". That last statement is a powerful one that I tango with on a continuum. So even as I type this even I say "then just go exercise"....like it's a simple solution. And in all reality it IS a simple solution. But time and again, I choose other activities. I validate these choices by claiming the injustice of age and social pressure. But in the end, I know better. When I order a muffin simple b/c it sounds good with the coffee, I know better.
This long winded opening is to paint the picture for my current state of psychosis.
Last Monday I went to Elements - a local fitness place for women. I don't just dislike working out - I fear it. I fear I don't know how to do it. I fear that I CAN'T do it. I fear that people I know will see me not being able to do it. This must be rooted in the many years I found myself embarrassingly nonathletic. I can only imagine if I were laying down in some shrinks office, he/she would implore me dig deep and recall some horrible memory of 6th grade team picking....or of a volleyball game at some bbq in my 20's...and the list goes on. So....anyway, back to Elements. I almost didn't go about 23 times that morning but finally walked through those doors. I have taken yoga many times before....it's been in big crowded dark rooms where no one can see if I can sit indian style or not....and I am finding, that's the way I like it. When I walked into Elements, it was such a friendly welcome from the owner (who I know) to the people there (who I know). But inside, I was already worried about yoga now that the place began to bustle with the familiar. The yoga teacher was kind and helpful and was burning the best oils. She had us in a circle which amplified my anxiety. We began in indian style....OH NO, my worst pose, the hardest skill, I can NOT sit indian style, I can NOT sit up straight. And now, everyone knows it. I had a total psych meltdown...thoughts racing through my head as insane as "at least I can sing...I do have skills of some kind, I can sing". I was actually listing the things I am able to do in my head while the teacher kindly called my name out several times to encourage "modifications". I piled up yoga blocks, I modified, I stuck it out and I was meeting every fear I had straight on. You would think by the end, I would have felt empowered but instead I wanted to go home and take a long nap. I was positive the teacher was having lunch later with a friend and discussing how crippled this poor 42 year old woman was. Then I spent several more minutes wondering WHY THE HELL DO YOU CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS???? A life long question that only seems to apply to me under one topic - exercise and weight! Otherwise, I am good with the world - don't care what people think about my clothes or my cars and the list goes on. But this one damn thing....is killing me.
I must continue....b/c dammit, I know better.
As I have blogged before, I am not a girl who likes and/or chooses to exercise. I go through phases when I feel good about - I am inspired to get it done and it feels good. I go through other phases when I resent the fact the our bodies can't just carry on as usual. I am sure so many people can relate - this is why I blog.
It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't know better. I mean if I had the luxury of ignorance, things would be a lot easier. I wouldn't be hearing the voice in my head all day of "you should have taken those extra 20 minutes to walk" or "you paid for the yoga class, you should really have gone".....or worse yet "you hate feeling puffy and crippled, DO something about it dumb ass". That last statement is a powerful one that I tango with on a continuum. So even as I type this even I say "then just go exercise"....like it's a simple solution. And in all reality it IS a simple solution. But time and again, I choose other activities. I validate these choices by claiming the injustice of age and social pressure. But in the end, I know better. When I order a muffin simple b/c it sounds good with the coffee, I know better.
This long winded opening is to paint the picture for my current state of psychosis.
Last Monday I went to Elements - a local fitness place for women. I don't just dislike working out - I fear it. I fear I don't know how to do it. I fear that I CAN'T do it. I fear that people I know will see me not being able to do it. This must be rooted in the many years I found myself embarrassingly nonathletic. I can only imagine if I were laying down in some shrinks office, he/she would implore me dig deep and recall some horrible memory of 6th grade team picking....or of a volleyball game at some bbq in my 20's...and the list goes on. So....anyway, back to Elements. I almost didn't go about 23 times that morning but finally walked through those doors. I have taken yoga many times before....it's been in big crowded dark rooms where no one can see if I can sit indian style or not....and I am finding, that's the way I like it. When I walked into Elements, it was such a friendly welcome from the owner (who I know) to the people there (who I know). But inside, I was already worried about yoga now that the place began to bustle with the familiar. The yoga teacher was kind and helpful and was burning the best oils. She had us in a circle which amplified my anxiety. We began in indian style....OH NO, my worst pose, the hardest skill, I can NOT sit indian style, I can NOT sit up straight. And now, everyone knows it. I had a total psych meltdown...thoughts racing through my head as insane as "at least I can sing...I do have skills of some kind, I can sing". I was actually listing the things I am able to do in my head while the teacher kindly called my name out several times to encourage "modifications". I piled up yoga blocks, I modified, I stuck it out and I was meeting every fear I had straight on. You would think by the end, I would have felt empowered but instead I wanted to go home and take a long nap. I was positive the teacher was having lunch later with a friend and discussing how crippled this poor 42 year old woman was. Then I spent several more minutes wondering WHY THE HELL DO YOU CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS???? A life long question that only seems to apply to me under one topic - exercise and weight! Otherwise, I am good with the world - don't care what people think about my clothes or my cars and the list goes on. But this one damn thing....is killing me.
I must continue....b/c dammit, I know better.
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