It wasn't that long ago that I was oblivious to the burdens of parenting a school aged child. At first, when we all had our babies, we worried about their NOWness. I can safely say that I didn't worry when it took Peter longer to walk that he might not actually walk some day. I just worried if he was walking NOW. I don't think I remember hearing other parents say "if he doesn't learn to share, he will surely be a loner in 4th grade". So when did that change? When did our worries become about what MIGHT be if we don't get this parenting thing exactly right? For me, I can remember the first time I thought "holy shit, if I don't fix this, it will effect her in Middle School". Lily was 41/2. Her acceptance of one Peter Nicoll was rough; unpleasant and full of defiance and disrespect. I DID worry that if I didn't get this straightened out she would be a 15 year old kid that would open her own window in the middle of the night to escape from her horrible family. (That part might actually still take place - the verdict is still out). I worried about her at age 15 when she was 4 and 5. I can remember then thinking how insane that is - how much time I was wasting worrying about things that may or may not happen for a full decade. But even moments of logical reasoning didn't stop me or anyone else I know from needless hours of anxiety while we made the connections between talking back at dinner to dropping out of highschool. I think almost everyone I know parents out of fear - out of what MIGHT happen.
I can safely say I didn't sent my kids to St. Mark's preschool to prepare them for Kindergarten. At the time, I didn't even think about life after St. Mark's. I choose it b/c it was sweet and fun and seemed like a happy place. But I do know people do base their preschool decisions on exactly that - how well they will be prepared for Kindergarten. And now we think about which teacher might best prepare our child for 3rd grade b/c 3rd grade is especially difficult. And then 5th grade has to be tough b/c they are getting them ready for 6th grade.....MIDDLE SCHOOL!!!!(here's an insiders secret - even if your child IS prepared for Lincoln it is STILL hours of homework and stress and worry!!) And with our middle school holding the "word on the street" award for being the LEAST prepared middle schoolers for Prospect High School, then you can imagine the pressure they are all under to "bring it". And Prospect High School holds another "street" award for being fabulous. So you know they too feel the pressure to be high ranking. I bet they aren't even satisfied if they are as good as there were last year. Even though it was good, it could be better. We are all trying to be better.....best. But when does it end? Does it end when kids graduate from high school? Or College? Are people my age STILL trying to be better....best?
I don't know. But I do know this. I cannot worry about Lincoln Middle School anymore. I just can't - it's wasting my time. I can't keep worrying that if Lily chooses to be friends with someone in 3rd grade that is somewhat of a bully, that she is destined to be a follower which means she is surely going to turn to drugs and never graduate from school. I can no longer hear "just wait - it only gets worse". If it only gets worse, then I will certainly live a life of dread. B/c seemingly I can do nothing about it except change how I think about it. I can't worry that if Maeve doesn't learn balance now, she will most definitely never be able to handle the hectic life in high school. Maybe she will, maybe she won't but worrying can kill the spirit of NOW. That now I have a 10 year old and a 9 year old......2 girls that are just fine. Two girls that are sometimes leaders, sometimes followers - sometimes respectful, sometimes not......sometimes showered, sometimes not.......sometimes confident. sometimes insecure. All I can do is parent right now...I can't predict what will happen and I have to believe that sometimes, despite even the best parenting, kids do things that they shouldn't.
We are all parenting not just in hopes of them being happy, confident and loving people but also so that they're NOT drug addicts, loners, bullied, bullies, lonely, desperate, flunked out teenagers. I, for one, can no longer keep worrying about all of this. I can't keep thinking about all of the bad things that might happen if I don't parent perfectly. Or if our schools are perfect. It will literally make me crazy....and I really don't function well when crazy. This I know for sure.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Politics
I have tossed back and forth the idea of a Political blog - I mean just one, certainly not a series. I couldn't keep up the emotional aptitude to do more than 1 blog along the way.....b/c when I am engaged w/ the political climate of our day, I am certainly charged up but I can only maintain that energy for brief periods of time. Then it gets too much for me and I have to "check out" of MSNBC and The Daily Show and any other news radio program that gets me fired up.
I am no fair weathered Democrat. I come from a long line of Democrats from every blood line that flows through my core. In fact, I think only once did someone related to me (I am not talking sibs or cousins, but those who came before me!) vote Republican. But I must honestly say my own ideas about what a Democrat is or should be didn't come to fruition until my first job as a Child Welfare Caseworker.
For me it goes like this......I am lucky in life to have it all - love, work, aspirations, success, and support. But for many, those things don't exist. I can remember being in my 20's and getting into a heated argument at a bar with a friend from college about "why can't these moms just get a job - why are they all on welfare". Well, the answer is so simple. All of the things that have come about it our personal history brought us to where we are....so for every good decision I make in my life, it didn't come out of no where, it came to to me via genetics, birth right, geographical location, love, support, encouragement. I didn't decide to chose college or a good husband or good friends on my own with nothing behind that - I made those decisions b/c I was shown love, given opportunity, encouraged to succeed, and lived in a constant mode of pride - pride of hard work, family and myself. NOW.....take all that away and I find it unreasonable to expect that people with much much less than I was given can make equally good decisions. It's unreasonable. I will tell you why these moms are on welfare - it's either all they know or they are on hard luck. If all you know is loss, abandonment, hopelessness - you better hope you have the genetic predisposition to at least have some level of intelligence to get you through. But so many people don't even have that. And if you don't have good genes or good examples of faith, hard work or pride than you better hope the school you went to as a kid rocked. But my money is - it didn't. You see - the people who have nothing, get nothing b/c it's all connected. The people with something get even more b/c it's all connected. I remember driving in my car one day while working in Child Welfare and thinking "why is that woman like that and I am like me?"....was it luck? What was it? It's not luck, but it is good fortune. I am blessed. So this long winded explanation ends by saying that that is why I compelled to help others and to vote for those who believe that without that help, we as a Country abandon each other. We MUST provide these kids with more b/c they aren't getting it in any other way. We must provide mothers with training, hope, encouragement b/c they aren't getting it in any other way. We must educate each child equally b/c if we don't, those kids can't buy a better school like so many others can. We must provide everyone with equal healthcare b/c I shouldn't receive better coverage simply b/c my husband has a good job b/c he was born to loving parents who raised him in a fabulous community with an outstanding high school and free ride to college - provided him with love, opportunity and yes, even a car. That's not fair. And I would love for someone to try to argue that it is.....Come on, try me.
I am no fair weathered Democrat. I come from a long line of Democrats from every blood line that flows through my core. In fact, I think only once did someone related to me (I am not talking sibs or cousins, but those who came before me!) vote Republican. But I must honestly say my own ideas about what a Democrat is or should be didn't come to fruition until my first job as a Child Welfare Caseworker.
For me it goes like this......I am lucky in life to have it all - love, work, aspirations, success, and support. But for many, those things don't exist. I can remember being in my 20's and getting into a heated argument at a bar with a friend from college about "why can't these moms just get a job - why are they all on welfare". Well, the answer is so simple. All of the things that have come about it our personal history brought us to where we are....so for every good decision I make in my life, it didn't come out of no where, it came to to me via genetics, birth right, geographical location, love, support, encouragement. I didn't decide to chose college or a good husband or good friends on my own with nothing behind that - I made those decisions b/c I was shown love, given opportunity, encouraged to succeed, and lived in a constant mode of pride - pride of hard work, family and myself. NOW.....take all that away and I find it unreasonable to expect that people with much much less than I was given can make equally good decisions. It's unreasonable. I will tell you why these moms are on welfare - it's either all they know or they are on hard luck. If all you know is loss, abandonment, hopelessness - you better hope you have the genetic predisposition to at least have some level of intelligence to get you through. But so many people don't even have that. And if you don't have good genes or good examples of faith, hard work or pride than you better hope the school you went to as a kid rocked. But my money is - it didn't. You see - the people who have nothing, get nothing b/c it's all connected. The people with something get even more b/c it's all connected. I remember driving in my car one day while working in Child Welfare and thinking "why is that woman like that and I am like me?"....was it luck? What was it? It's not luck, but it is good fortune. I am blessed. So this long winded explanation ends by saying that that is why I compelled to help others and to vote for those who believe that without that help, we as a Country abandon each other. We MUST provide these kids with more b/c they aren't getting it in any other way. We must provide mothers with training, hope, encouragement b/c they aren't getting it in any other way. We must educate each child equally b/c if we don't, those kids can't buy a better school like so many others can. We must provide everyone with equal healthcare b/c I shouldn't receive better coverage simply b/c my husband has a good job b/c he was born to loving parents who raised him in a fabulous community with an outstanding high school and free ride to college - provided him with love, opportunity and yes, even a car. That's not fair. And I would love for someone to try to argue that it is.....Come on, try me.
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