Realtor Mom!

Deep Thoughts from Peter Nicoll

2012-02-01T04:23:00.000-08:00

Peter - "How does someone who passes away get in the stone at the cemetery?"

Me - "They don't. There is a box the body goes in and that box is buried in the ground and the stone is there just to tell us where the box is".

Peter - "I thought heaven was the sky."

Me - "It is. In that box is just the body, not their spirit."

Peter - "What's a spirit?"

Me - "Well it's the thing that makes you YOU. So see my hand how it's moving? That's just my body - that has nothing to do with my mind or my thoughts or my relationships. Weird huh?"

Peter "So, it's like they are passes away but they think they're not".

Me - "Exactly".

Peter - "When police officers are done working and go home, do they leave the lights on their station for the bad guys who are sleeping there?"

Me - "Well, when they home, new police officers come to work b/c the bad guys are there and they need to be ready".

Peter - "They need to be ready for more bad guys?"

Me - "Yep"

Peter - "Why can fireman sleep while they are work? On our field trip we saw they have beds".

Me - "Hmm? Well, I guess b/c they are guarding anything at their station? I'm not sure".

Peter - "I'd rather be a police officer even though I can't sleep at work".

Loosing weight and Real Estate in 2012

2012-01-08T05:34:00.001-08:00

Two things I haven't written about in a long time...

Real Estate - Well what can I say. Tons of people ask me about real estate. 2011 has been rough on many accounts. Our role as Realtors is blurry and probably needs a tune up. We Realtors have been bred that we will do whatever it takes to get a deal done. But this philosophy can cause insanity - it can make you feel like you can never do enough or unless you sacrifice your own personal time/boundaries, you aren't doing a good enough job. I think it's like all sales....it's been tough to say "no", it's been tough to keep healthy boundaries and it's been tough to realize what the Realtor can do and what she can't. So in 2012, I will make decisions that are good for my business and for my family. I will chose clients that will bring me joy because they are excited and happy about the prospect of their future. I became a Realtor because I loved the house hunt. Sometimes I bet I enjoy it more than even the buyer. But this economy has created a mindset in buyers that has stripped some of the joy...where the house is just a commodity and not a home, the most important purchase of their lives. And its' not the most important purchase because of the money involved although that's certainly part of it but it's the most important because your home is the heartbeat of your life. My home gives so more than shelter...it gives me and my family a fabulous life. I value HOME. I value the soul of a home. When I am keying into a house with a young family, I am so excited for them - that THIS might be it - this might be the home you bring your babies home. It's tough for me when houses are seen as a dime a dozen. So....I learn, like we do with all professions, what makes me happy and how to work differently within the framework of our current economy. For me, the joy is #1. So this year, I will work for joy....I will understand that I can still be a good Realtor without selling my sanity and soul - two things I value very much!!!!

Loosing weight - Okay. Well for the first time in over a decade, I would say that I'm "in the zone" where I have been able to string together months of focus without being a lunatic. So of course, I ate salty, sugary and fattening food all through the Holidays and Disney World but what's different is in the past, I would have just said "screw it" and gone overboard. I would have indulged to ridiculous ends (like eating a tray of fudge) and I wouldn't be able to wake up the next day and say "that was okay, get back to focus". But for some insane reason, I finally can. It all started with the Grapefruit diet. Do I exercise? Of course not. That is still something that is SUCH a hurdle to me. Such an annoyance. I am still pissed that the world expects this vessel to exercise. GGGEEEESHHHH......can't a girl just give up sugar. But nooooo- not good enough. SO, in 2012 you may see me walking more....with my head phones and I will be singing bc if I'm going to walk, than at least I'm going to have to sing!

2011

2012-01-01T12:36:00.000-08:00

My life runs at a pace that is common to today's mom - warp speed. Remember when we were kids and Christmas vacation lasted forever? By the time you got back to school, a lifetime happened. You could go to back a whole new person. Time was methodical and our minds were devoted to a few things. I wonder if my kids think their summer break and Christmas break last so so long. I can remember long summer days in a row where the world was quiet and hot and consisted of reading, dinners, bike rides. As September approached, I knew I could start 5th grade a whole new person because I hadn't really seen friends outside my neighborhood in 3 months. I remember climbing trees, riding my bike to the library....the heat, the sprinklers, the smell of my mom's supper telling me it was time to come in. Time was perfect.

Now I sit here trying to look back at 1 full year of my life. Nearly impossible. I can't really remember last January 1. I can't remember what books I've read or Peter's voice last year. So in looking back, I try to think of the highlights.....travel, the kids being happy, work accomplishments, Rob and I still loving being married to each other.... I also think of the challenges.....work, parenting difficulties, Peter starting school. All in all, I live an incredibly blessed life. So it's tough to ask for anything from this world because I have so much. But if I could ask for a simpler life, I would. The fantasy of less technology, less noise, less pressure, less food options, less entertainment options.......less.........intrigues and comforts me.

I have learned a lot in 2011 -

I learned to play more to which I can credit The Happiness Project

I learned, the hard way, that I need to have better work boundaries.

I learned that it's hard for me to feel like I disappointed people.

I learned that I can loose weight at 43.

What did I do in 2011?

I had lots of fun travel - camping, 2 trips to Door County, Disney, a weekend with friends in Indy, a winter and a summer trip to our good friends in WI.

I drank more in one year than I had in a full decade - thank you McGoons!

I helped plan a huge fundraiser.

I got to sell real estate in my favorite hood - Lincoln Park.

What will I miss from 2011?

I will miss that for part of 2011, my baby was still in preschool.

I already miss when my girls were at the same school.

I will miss that my kids were 11 and 10 and 5.

I will miss this time - even if it's at warp speed.

A Perfect Night

2011-12-11T07:46:00.000-08:00

The night I met Rob, I think we both knew that we were on to something pretty fabulous. Maybe love at first sight. Much of this "love" was based on 3 vital things. Both of our favorite TV shows was The Brady Bunch. Our favorite movie was About Last Night and we were both huge college basketball fans. Rob a KU fan and me an IU fan. LOVE.

So 15 years ago Rob asked me to marry him at the LP Zoo lights on 12/27/2006. I have said it many times, it was the greatest single moment of my life. It was all I had anticipated and there couldn't have been a happier person on the planet. So yesterday we went to see the lights and Santa at the zoo with the kids. We've been to the zoo w/ them a ton but never to see the lights. I couldn't help but to be sentimental. As we were walking around, I had to do the math and realized it's our 15 year engagement anniversary. That's pretty wild. It really is. I kept thinking that there was some couple there last night who might be getting engaged and they couldn't possibly know what's ahead of them. 3 kids! A full life....Wow.. Plus, being in Lincoln Park always makes me way sappy b/c it's the place of our courtship. A place that truly represents a time in my life that I thought about ONE thing......us. Nothing else - not problems or work or money or any responsibility at all. I must admit, I WISH I could that back once a while. At least the ability to just care about 1 thing but now our lives are so full of responsibility and challenges that "us" takes a big back seat.

ANYWAY - we have watched hundreds of basketball games together. We LOVE the tournament. I might even love the tournament more than Rob. We have fantasies about, when the kids are older, taking off work and flying out to the cities that host the games we want to see and then doing it again the next week. In retirement, this could be our annual vacation.....chasing the tournament.

Last night KU beat OSU who is ranked #2. As much as we both love this stuff, we handle it WAY differently. Rob was silently monitoring it on his phone. Not a word. And I wasn't about to say a word b/c talking about it is not RN's style. His expectations are low. Well he says they are low but I bet secretly they're a little higher that even he would want. Anyway, he finally turns the phone towards me to see the score. WHAT? This is crazy...they are about to win.....HOLY SHIT. He is mellow. I am not. He was probably afraid to even tell me. We are happy with the victory and head into see Santa at the zoo. Rob is now monitoring the IU game. Now my expectations are honestly low. IU is certainly making a come back but they are in NO position to beat the #1 team in a the country. A team I despise. A team that, back in the day, were each other's greatest rivals. Not only are my expectations low, I can't bear to watch or know the score. So it's a perfect set up w/ Rob monitoring - if it's bad, he says nothing and I don't need to know the damage and if it's okay, he will quietly let me know. Through the evening he lets me know - 14-12. 30-22. We are winning. Holy shit. But they can't keep this up. I can't bear to know any more. So we see Santa and Peter was sweet as could be asking Santa if he would rather have tacos instead of cookie on Christmas Eve. Santa says that's a great idea but easy on the beans. So we see some more lights and head to RJ Grunts. It's packed and an hour wait. I look up at the TVs at the bar - they ware WINNING. 12 minutes left. Holy shit. I can't bear to watch b/c now I WANT them to win. I know it's possible. Can't take the heart break. We leave to find a place to eat....John Barleycorns. We get a great parking spot, walk in and get a table. I look up - 2 minutes left and we are winning. I have a huge flat screen 5 feet in front of me and a big group of rowdy Hoosiers at the bar. I'm in heaven. THIS is heaven to me. I am a mix of giddy and scared. I say to myself (and to Rob) that it doesn't matter. Even if they loose, they made it close which is more than I expected. Then we are down by 1. Then we loose the ball. OMG I can't watch this. UK has 2 free throws and are already up by 1. There are only 5.6 seconds left. God Dammit...I was trying not to care. I am barely watching. One eye open. The guy misses one free throw. OMG. He makes the other but only 5.6 seconds left. They are down by 2 and my group of rowdy Hoosier guys are bursting at the seams. I am slightly out of body when those seconds slip away and my stomach is in agony when Christian Watford goes to shoot and 3 pointer. It goes in. WHAT???? I jumped up and am yelling "Oh my God, that didn't happen?!!". The rowdy Hoosiers are insane, I am in complete disbelief. Every Hoosier at Assembly Hall is running on the floor. I am in heaven. This is unbelievable. I said is at least 30 times. Unbelievable. To get a perfect parking spot, to make it there in time, to be surrounded by other IU fans. The only bummer is Lily wouldn't talk the rest of the night b/c I embarrassed her w/ jumping and yelling. I hope, for her sake, she loves something enough in her life that she jumps and yells. I can barely focus....bliss....heaven. I smiled all night. Who couldn't? Good beat evil. Twice in a night. Our teams just beat the #1 and #2 teams in the country. And our kid just asked Santa if he'd like tacos. Seriously people, I'm living the dream.

Shitty Day

2011-12-07T09:37:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a really shitty day. Which was pretty ironic b/c I started off by telling Peter that I bet he would have a great day. He said, "why do you think that?" and I said "it's just a good thing to think". So my PMA ended not long after my proclamation that 'if you think it, you will fee it' l0ad of crap.

1. I am a huge dental phobe but had to go b/c of a pain. I braced myself for the worst news. In fact, I suggested they not even tell me what was wrong but just keep it to themselves, schedule me for the repair, I show up, get the nitrous and go home completely oblivious. They laughed but I wasn't really kidding.

2. Parenting - I can handle parenting stress one kid at a time - if that. I had my plate full w/ one child's saga when another child expressed genuine sadness/grief/pain over a legitimate issue. WAIT A MINUTE!! I only problem solve 1 kid at a time! Defeated and exhausted, I took a bath to retreat. During these baths, I always hope that when I get out, Rob has magically solved all of the world's problems.

3. I had to call the DR b/c of a prescription that our insurance wasn't covering. I had the script in my hand but by the time the nurse got on the phone, I could no longer find it. Sounding like a complete idiot as I babbled about how "it was just here" or "I'm so sorry", I finally offered to let her go and I would try to find it again.

4. Observation class for ballet. Parents can bring treats for the end of class. Did I? Of course not. I never thought about it until I walked in a saw a big table full of treats. Duh.

5. During observation, my daughter slinks passed me and mumbles "I hate ballet". Great.

6. Work. Well if you are familiar with the term "spinning your wheels", then you are familiar with the work of a Realtor. Now finish that phrase...."spinning your wheels for......". That sums it up.

7. I have been sick all week - well for a few weeks and I cough all night. So I keep cough drops on my nightstand to suck on during my sleep. I had one left. I put the kids to bed and watched TV. Peter came out a few minutes later to ask me to turn down the TV. I asked for a kiss. His breath smelled like MY COUGH DROP!!!!!!!!! WHAT????? I was totally destroyed. "Where did you get that cough drop and why do you need a cough drop?". I almost started bawling. That was my last cough drop. DAAAMMMITTT!

The day sucked. But that was yesterday and everyone has shitty days. Today is much better. I got more cough drops, more medicine, a latte from Starbucks and volunteered in Peter's classroom. Like Mr. Slinger says in Lily's Purple Plastic Purse, "Today was a hard day. Tomorrow will be better". Mr. Slinger is so wise.

Warp Speed

2011-12-05T06:58:00.000-08:00

Have I already titled a blog Warp Speed? I am sure I have b/c it's just the life in which we are all living right now. Do kids in their 20's live in warp speed? Do new parents live in warp speed? Personally, this lifestyle started for me about 6 years ago....whenever that was. Who knows, I can't remember much from then to now.

Anyway - when there's a long gap in my blogs, I always feel great need to update. But seriously, why recount the many ways that time has passed. School concerts, countless meals, countless clean up, homework, projects, meetings, work. You know, we've all been there. I could certainly recount the wide range of emotion that guides me through each day. Hate Fairview Follies/love Fairview Follies. Bountiful pride for my children/a longing to lock them in a room for a couple of days. Gratitude and love for my husband/aggrevation that after 15 years together, he still tries to talk to me at 6:30 am. (OR EARLIER!!). The list goes on and on. We all live it. A vivid recollection of the emotions and a complete lack of memory for the details. So I'm blogging in the present - the only thing I really have a handle on.

The Holidays are upon us and per usual, I think I pretty much have it together and of course, I can attend the House Walk and this year we are going to go to the Bethlehem Night at the church down the block and I will, without doubt, make room for music in our schedule. This was all until yesterday when someone said, "I'm going to the House Walk today". WHAT????? The House Walk is TODAY? Holy Shit! Then, on my way to babysit last night, I passed the church down the block. Guess what they were doing? BETHLEHEM NIGHT!!!! Lastly, I see a FB posting from the Director of a choir thanking his singers for the concert I wanted to see earlier in the day. DAMMIT - I wanted to see that concert.

So what was I doing instead of all of those things? RELAXING! WORKING! LIVING LIFE! The bottom line is that I cannot do it all. I know some people can but I just can't. I can accomodate some work. I can accomodate a few meetings. I can accomodate probably 1 Christmas celebration. But you know what I really really need more than the House Walk. TO REST. I need to sip tea, wear pajamas, watch sports, make cookies, and blog. I WISH I could really go it all. But I can't. It's a reminder that every year I have grande expectations for Christmas. Each year I think, "this will be the year we make it to the midnight service at church". Or, "This will finally be the year I make home-made teacher's gifts". And always, "this year, I am going to make soup and deliver it to my friends". In the past, I have wanted to make scrapbooks, read to the kids next to the fire, knit (I don't even know how to knit), make snowmen (which truly I hate doing), sled, go downtown, have friends over, make egg nog, and on and on and on. So is it a case of much too high of expectations or complete lack of follow through?

Either way, my promise to myself AND to the Nicolls is that while we are off for Christmas break, we are kickin' it old school. We are taking techonology off the table. Phone off the hook. Suspending play date inquiries. We are wearing only pajamas. We are baking. We are thinking of others. We are watching movies (I haven't ever even seen ELF dammit!). These are things I can accomplish AND need. Maybe we can make it downtown for lights. Maybe we can go to caroling. Maybe we can go to the mall (okay, that one made me cringe!) But one thing's for sure, WE WILL BE IN THIS HOUSE - TOGETHER! Whether they like it or not b/c Mama needs it. And you all know what they say about a happy mama........HO HO HO!

Stress

2011-10-26T05:23:00.000-07:00

I am keenly aware of my own stress - when it's high and when it's under control. I am not the kind of person who can walk around under stress on a continuum. I need it "under control". I can tolerate it for a while...a week or so. But I have to fix problems and I have to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I really value my mental health. I know that sounds obvious - like who doesn't?But I work on it. I make a conscious effort to have good positive mental health. I have learned a TON throughout my 43 years about MY part in my mental health. My own self talk. My own bad choices. My own state of mind.

I am currently under more stress than I have been with work issues and life issues. Yesterday I called a good friend to help counsel me through. Here are some tips if you are spinning in too much stress.

Call a friend. LISTEN to that friend.

Implement a change that YOU can control.

Make a list of things that no matter what you do, can't be controlled then let it go.

Listen to your gut and take action.

STOP talking about it. For me, the more I talk sometimes, the worse it gets.

By day's end, have some things accomplished that will help you sleep without worries.

Take a bath and if necessary, TAKE A BENNEDRYL.

Grapefruit Diet follow up -

2011-10-26T05:13:00.000-07:00

Okay- the grapefruit diet is still going well, however tweaked. Of course, there were a couple of days on the weekend when I broke the rules. I am pretty sure that Spotted Cow, stuffed dates, lasagna and cake are not on the grapefruit diet. But, you know, you've gotta live life. Monday I was back on it. Here's the scoop - I am just watching sugars. That's the bottom line. So I do eat bananas and apples and I am pretty sure I am not supposed to but as my friend Jenny says, "there's never anything wrong with something that grows from the ground or a tree".

So, how I am feeling? Pretty good. I can tell I am loosing weight. I never trust scales b/c I feel like they can swing 3 lbs every day. But my clothes are fitting better. And truth be told, I do not feel like I have deprived myself really. (Clearly, see Spotted Cow comment!!!)

The Grapefruit Diet

2011-10-18T14:57:00.001-07:00

I am not insane enough to believe that the Grapefruit Diet or the Hollywood Diet or the Cabbage Diet can be sustained but last week, I had a few things come up that jolted me into sheer panic.

1. Lily videotaped me doing a rap for her Fairview Follies act. We watched the tape and besides being horrified, I was mortified. To top it off, my rapping kind of sucked.

2. Whenever I feel the need to change in p.j.s the second I am home, I am aware that is because everything I own is too tight. That's not good. I wore p.j.s all last week.

3. While stuffing a donut down my throat, I ran into someone who has probably not eaten a donut in years. If ever.

4. Lastly, I stupidly looked at old pictures. Never ever look at old pictures of yourself if you are currently in the p.j.s stage.

And because we are going on vacation in a month, I would prefer NOT to be a bloated mess in every picture. So there I found myself googling "how to loose weight fast". I chose the Grapefruit diet. I know it's crazy but I needed something drastic with strict rules. Because if you give this girl an inch, she'll take a donut.

So it's been 6 days. Day 3 was tough b/c I am sure I was going through major sugar withdraw. Given my typical diet of cereal, bread and yogurt, I was overloading every single day. Here is a list of food items I typically can't resist. No matter what.

donuts

ice cream

coffee cake

sweet cereal

But I am proud to say that today I bought Peter a Frosty and didn't get one for myself. I saw a commercial for Almond Joy Coffee Creamer which would usually set me off straight for my purse and keys but I am resisting. I am staying strong 6 days in...

Saying that, I am not a purest when it comes to the Grapefruit Diet. Who could be? BUT, I am trying to lay low w/ the sugars and increase the proteins which I typically consider to be a condiment at best. The greatest change to my diet is the amount of veggies I have managed to consume. I guess when you aren't stuffed with chips and salsa, a salad with dinner doesn't sound too bad.

I have no idea if I have lost weight. But I do know that I am not wearing p.j.s and I am not as sore (sugar causes inflammation!!!!). We shall see!!!!

43 - The new 40

2011-10-11T13:34:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying that I think that 43 is the new 40. OR, I am just 3 years behind...which would make sense b/c I have always been a little immature. I would have friends say "well, since I turned 40...". I never felt any different at or after 40 until recently. But finally, alas, I feel a little happier, a little more secure and a ton more acceptance.
Acceptance...
I accept that today,while sneezing, I not only peed my pants, I actually had to change my clothes.
I accept that even though I am trying to remember that 2 different things can't occur at the same time, I am continuously double scheduling. The old me would be beating myself up about that to no end but recently, I am letting that go. Kind of even okay w/ the fact that I bet I will do again probably this month!
I accept that I will never be able to sit Indian style again.
I accept that some people don't like me.
I accept that some days I parent well and some I don't.
I accept that I never got my kids into going to church and I am pretty okay with that.
I accept that sometimes I want to be social and sometimes I want to be alone.

To accept means that I no longer am expending energy to fix it. No more worries. No more strategies. No more relentless efforts to get this thing done perfectly. I know I used to say "I am not perfect" but deep down I wished I were. Now I am honestly just OKAY with it. Again, I love the Gretchen Rubin commandment of "Be Gretchen". I am just finally happy to just "Be Julia".

Gratitude - Top Ten

2011-10-05T12:16:00.000-07:00

1. Thank you to the postal system for giving me back my old mail man. I was so happy to see him and what's sweet is that he was equally happy to see us!
2. Thank you to my OB/GYN DR for being funny, normal, human and for calling me "Jule" the whole time. Love it. Thank you Dr. Sadowsky for making me feel in shape, happy and young...even if it's only for 15 minutes.
3. Thank you to the Mt. Prospect Park District for crediting me for the swim class I signed Peter up for but never sent him to b/c I totally forgot I signed him up. Thank you 19 year old kid for listening to me plea my case of the "overwhelmed syndrome" ....And lastly, thanks for not making fun of me when it would have been really easy to do so.
4. Thanks to The Plant Manager for such a sweet and simple landscaping design. I finally feel grown up.
5. Thanks to Indpls for proving once again last weekend, that a girl CAN always come home and feel the love..
6. Thank you to District 57 for being a fab school district and helping me raise my children! You are practically co parenting at this point so I appreciate all the help!
7. Thanks to my friends, for whom I would be NADA without. Thanks for making me laugh, for the counsel, for the perspective and for the reminders that I can't attend 2 different meetings a the same time (some of you know my schedule better than I).
8. Thanks to my 3 cherubs who have adjusted to school and structure better than I could have anticipated. I swear you do more and do better than I did as a sophomore in college.
9. Thank you to my never ending supportive crew at Picket Fence who let me melt, recover and melt again.
10. And lastly - a HUGE shout out and thank you to my husband for taking such good care of our lives...for making sure we never get another drop of water in our house, making sure the roof is done right, that the cars all have stickers and for making sure our checkbook balances. (The list goes on and on with this one!!

Good Old Fashion MY KIDS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY Blog

2011-09-29T05:31:00.000-07:00

My mother kept her emotions in check when I was growing up. Very rarely could I see that we had pushed her straight over the edge. I do remember two times she had had enough and once threw a bowl of walnuts and once threw a glass angel. Let me clarify, NOT at us. Both times we deserved the wrath and I say "we" b/c as much as my brother was the golden child, I clearly remember him standing there next to me when it happened.
It should be no surprise that when I loose my cool, I throw stuff. Again, never at anyone...(well maybe there were a couple of times the throw was directed more towards a human...). Today, it was Peter's water bottle.

Let's back the truck up -
At 6:30 this morning Maeve wanted to argue about why I keep saying she likes things she doesn't like. Since summer her vocabulary consists of "you always" or " you never". I have come to accept this language and for the most part, ignore it. But this morning, when far from the caffeinated level I need to be at to function, she wanted to list the things I say she "likes" that she doesn't like. And "never did like". The list went on for a while and consisted of teachers, food, shows, etc..... I held my hand up and said "no more words". Maeve, "why, I am just trying to have a discussion about something that.....". NO MORE WORDS. Finally silence.

Then an hour later my continually disgruntled middle served up the typical responses to my questions. Her words were mixed with a tone of "you are the biggest idiot alive". Now when you call her out on this, she starts crying claiming you are so mean. So it's not easy to navigate the psychosis of a 10 year old but I did my best. She was aggravated that I asked her why she doesn't want to use a certain backpack in the house. She was snarly at best that I asked her why she changed clothes and finally she was ranting that I love Peter the best. (I love him the best b/c I asked her why she doesn't like the Landsend backpack?????) Usually this could go on and on but Mama had enough so we separated and when it was time for her to leave the house, I opened the door, she exited and I closed the door. Sad that we didn't have our usual sweet good-bye I was tempted to open the door and say "bye sweetie" then I heard her words from 10 minutes before - "you are the worst person in the world". See ya.

About 30 minutes later, my sweet angel boy argued once again about pants then the jacket and finally his water bottle. He is only going to bring the camouflage water bottle. Well, of course, I can't find that one....so I say, "how about this water bottle?". Peter falls to the ground in total collapse. WHAT???? This is just a god damn water bottle. This should be simple. MAMA IS WEARING OUT!!! So I throw the water bottle back into the pantry and say, "we are out of here...pack it up....we are going to the bus.....I am done with this nonsense......I can't keep arguing about simple stuff.....". As we walk in silence to the bus stop, Peter walked about 10 feet behind me. I hear him say, "I'm going to step on the cracks and break her back". Well to be honest, I had to laugh to myself.

What I want...

2011-09-21T05:36:00.000-07:00

Here's a list of some things I want....
To have about 3 days of complete quiet...peace...calm.
To have unlimited coffee and treats while I enjoy my peace.
To sleep on and off during the day if need be.
To wake up, make coffee, watch news, go for a walk, take a nap, read, more coffee, rest.
My own bathroom.
A new van.
A bigger kitchen.
No resonsibilities beyond my children.
To learn to say "no".
Dinners prepared for by someone else.
No news of terrorism, murder, poverty or despair.
A cottage in the country.
A brownstone with a big front porch in Lincoln Park.
To be unaware of how bad donuts and ice cream are for me.
To have unlimited funds to travel at my leisure.
To also have a home at The Yacht Club in Disney.
To have Mad Men start this week.

Some of these things are actually possible.....if only I had more money, time and energy!

If you want to live here.....learn the shimmy!

2011-09-13T05:46:00.000-07:00

We all love HGTV for quick mindless TV. I love it just as much as the next guy but the restraint I must have while watching 30 somethings snub a home because of it's lack of granite just KILLS me. There was a show on for a while where this Realtor was like the Dr. Phil of the industry. He really "told it like it was". I sometimes have to channel my inner Dr. Phil as well.

Those house hunting shows are a pretty accurate depiction of many buyers out there. I hear things like "I definitely need more than 3 bedrooms b/c I'm getting married". Really? Because I know a lot of families who are actually already married AND have children and only have 3 bedrooms. OMG How are they surviving? I have also heard people say "well we would have to get all new appliances" EVEN THOUGH the appliances in question are brand new and have never been used, they are just white. OMG NOT WHITE!!!!! A very common issue that a buyer looking around here would have - "How is our king size bed going to fit?". Good question. It's not. You are going to shove it in a room, climb over your husband or shimmy in the 5 in gap between the wall and the bed just to get into bed every night. Just like you are going to shove clothes into old small closets. Just like you are going to be falling over each other in small tight kitchens. BUT here's what you get in exchange!!

FABULOUS neighbors!

Walks to school or coffee or libraries!

Festivals, farmer's market, concerts!

Awesome schools!

Awesome people!

Do I worry that sometimes people forget there is more to a house than the physical elements of that house? Totally!!! I always try to remind everyone that your mortgage payment can really be broken up into percentages. 50% for the actual home. 20% for the fact that your kids can go play with the neighbor kids. 10% for the fact that when you run out of milk, your kids can run next door to borrow some. 15% for our schools. 5% for the train....

And every month I remind myself that YES, I have to shimmy into my bed as it's squeezed into a small space BUT when i wake up and someone is sick, I can get neighbors to drive to school and chances are, they'll bring me a coffee just to be kind!! I will take the shimmy every day~!

My medical charts....oh, what they must say

2011-09-01T11:09:00.000-07:00

The other day I was at the Chiropractor for a first time appointment. We had a long talk and then he left the room to set up x-rays. He left my chart on the table. I will admit I sneaked a peak to see if the words "Nut Job" appeared anywhere. Luckily for me, I saw nothing. Then today, I had to take Harper back to the vet for a follow up blood test. I saw a vet there who I haven't seen since I emotionally collapsed in his presence about 2 years ago. I started wondering how many charts exist out there that say Julia Nicoll = Nut Job?

At Mt. Plaines Animal Hospital the chart is full of, I am sure, stories of me crying that I'm worried Harper has cancer....or crying when she gets shots.....or crying when she gets her blood drawn...or crying at anticipation of a dental cleaning. Bottom line, they just take her to the back now for everything and bypass me completely. Perfect.

About every 18 months I am convinced I have Lupus. It's not a big deal and this realization isn't alarming at all to me. I have Lupus. I have all of the symptoms and of course, that mean I have Lupus. I go to my arthritis DR and tell her that I am SURE I have Lupus. She goes along with it and although she's "doubtful" that I actually have it, she will run the blood work. The blood work always comes back with zero indication that I have Lupus. I am sure my chart is highlighted with bold letters "PATIENT SELF DIAGNOSIS VIA WEBMD. ACT LIKE SHE MIGHT BE RIGHT, RUN THE TESTS AND THEN SLOWLY BREAK THE NEWS THAT LUPUS CAN'T BE BLAMED FOR ALL OF HER PROBLEMS'.

There is no doubt that there is a file located at Northwest Community Hospital's ER that says "WARNING - THIS NUT JOB MOM HAD P.T.S.D. FROM THE TIME HER CHILD HAD SEVERE INTUSSCEPTION. THE CHILD IS FINE. THE MOTHER NEEDS PSYCH HELP." It's true that after Peter experienced intussception, every stomach ache he had made me run for help. I'm happy to say I'm over that now.

Without question, there is a file that probably alarms with lights and sirens at my dentist office. I am a complete dental phobe and probably the only adult who cries at the dentist and worries THAT the Nitrous just isn't quite strong enough. I am sure no one else has bawled to the receptionist about cavities and how "shocked" and "devastated" they are over said cavities. Clearly, the receptionist is probably requesting I stay medicated for check out next time. My chart must read "TOTAL NUT JOB PATIENT. TREAT HER LIKE A CHILD. OFFER HER WARM NECK ROLLS. DRUG HER UP AND DRUG HER UP SOME MORE. DON'T TELL HER SHE HAS CAVITIES UNTIL SHE'S IN HER CAR".

I am happy to say that there are no charts at my children's pediatrician office. I am mentally stable there, believe it or not. Go figure.

Pete and the first real day....

2011-08-29T10:38:00.001-07:00

Today I woke up slowly...unlike last week when I popped up immediately so that I would have every single duck in a row for school starting. Today, just 1 week into the start of school, I was a bit more slow going. Truth be told, I delivered Maeve to school wearing my robe....

Anyway, when I first woke up, one of my initial thoughts were "I wonder what's on the calendar for Peter today?". Then I remembered HOLY SHIT, HE HAS SCHOOL EVERY DAY NOW!! What's worse than that is that like 20 minutes later, while showering, I wondered it again!! Hmmm??? What does Peter have today? Geeesh Lady - HE HAS SCHOOL!! This is going to take a lot of getting used to!

What did I do with this unexpected time? I finished laundry, I made 2 different pasta sauces for the week, hammered out some work issues, cleaned the kitchen and STILL had 30 minutes to spare.

So I picked Peter up from the bus and because I am a freak about promptness, I stood at the corner for 20 unnecessary minutes. The bus pulled up and the bus driver, Betty, was so sweet and loving and said "he's darling". And I gushed back saying , "I think so too". What a nut job! We walked home and I said "tell me about your day". He moaned and said "are you going to ask me that every day?". So clearly, I will know nothing about school until parent/teacher conferences in November. His questions for me? "Can I have pudding for lunch? Can we go to the Children's Museum after lunch? Can I watch Spider Man?". I tell him that after lunch we have to go to Target and he said "oh, can I get a transformer's pinata there?". That kid cracks me up.

My Middle

2011-08-23T10:08:00.000-07:00

I am really in the middle place..As Maeve starts "middle" school, I feel like I am just as much in the middle! I don't have babies, I don't have grown children. I didn't just start a career and I am certainly not retiring. I am the "plug along" stage of life that a strange mix of been there, done that and where am I heading? This back-to-school week has me thinking....

I must admit that when I had Maeve and then Lily, I probably didn't think much past how unbelievably adorable they were. I thought about holding them, feeding them, their precious wardrobe and their perfectly home-made nurseries. I had a good 3 year window in my mind...music classes, walks in the neighborhood, and meeting other moms. I was completely unprepared for our new "middle" place. I wasn't prepared to unleash my first born into a pre-teen world of the unknown and uncontrolled. It's a good thing it comes gradually.

When we had our babies, if we were to be honest, it would be our hope that they never feel pain or angst of any kind. So when we send them off into the world, whether it's to school or the pool or a party, we hope they are good to the world and that the world is good to them. BUT, here's the kicker...we really can't control the world. Doesn't that suck? Isn't it so hard to accept that? Today, while I watched Maeve walk out of Lincoln Middle School with 8th grade boys and girls who looked like the walked out of an Abercrombie ad. I said a little serenity acceptance prayer to myself...I can not control what goes on in that building....or when she is at a dance....at camp....at high school....and on and on. Letting go....not easy.

I dropped Maeve off this morning with the whole family. I drove instead of Rob which was my tactic to just keep focused on something productive...driving. She got out and Rob helped her with her things and I just watched, swallowing, swallowing that lump that just won't go away this week. My eyes were fighting like mad to drop a few hundred tears but I just kept breathing, swallowing, focusing. Why so emotional? Letting her go....not easy.

I picked her up 3 hours later and I couldn't have been happier to see her and talk with her. I had a thousand questions but I have to go slow with her. How was it? Who is in your advisory? Did it work out with your locker? Did the lock work? Did you find your way okay? And my big one, which I didn't ask...WAS EVERYONE KIND? Please tell me everyone was kind. Please tell me that you felt secure and okay. Please assure your nut job mother that even though she is unstable at best, that YOU were okay!!! But then I thought, let it go. Not easy. Just swallow your lump.

So I am saving my lump for tonight. I plan to take a shower (a place I do my best break downs!)and cry. I have to get it out. I have to stop swallowing. My hope is that if I can just let it out, I will take a deep breath and feel better. Bottom line, she will be great. It's just the mama who is struggling.

Excercise Phobe

2011-08-21T16:32:00.000-07:00

I started thinking the other day about how I thought that my resistance to movement had come about as an adult...or when I became a mom. But then it dawned on me, I have forever considered exercise yet have never really done it. It's absolutely without question the greatest example of resistance ever seen in history. It's the purest form of knowing better than you're doing. It's, to be frank, pathetic.

The furthest back I could remember this exercise conflict was high school. We had a pool in our backyard and I can remember thinking, "okay, if I swim back and forth in the pool over and over, I will become a really strong swimmer". Never happened.

Then there was a time, I think I was in college but maybe it was high school, that my BF Heidi and I thought it would be fabulous to tour this brand new trendy health club at the Holiday Star Theater hotel in Merrillville, where all the action was. We loved the tour. Fabulous. Sign us up for the free 2 week trial - we are there. Never went.

Every summer in college, there were several commitments to get in better shape. Now, most of these summers weight was probably not my issue but my great insecurity of being not athletic followed me like the plague. The fear that at some random cook-out, someone might ask if I wanted to play volley ball or worse yet soft ball, struck such a strong lightning bolt of anxiety through me that I plotted those summers to at least be able to feel a bit more athletic....sporty if you will. I am sure there were elaborate plans of biking and walking and walking up to the school to practice "tennis" (and by tennis I mean hitting a tennis ball against the side of my elementary school with no one else around for miles b/c I was 120% sure I looked like a big door knob!) Despite those plans, I don't remember much exercise during any of the 4 summers of college.

One time when I was a working adult, soon after graduation, I WON a 3 month membership to a gym by my apartment from a radio station. I couldn't believe it. Just what I needed - I was so excited. I do recall going there about 3 times....the big draw for me was they had tanning beds.

When I lived in Indianapolis my friends were big time runners. I have friends who run every day. During my 20's, I did not run. I would walk....and I would even walk for exercise but I certainly don't remember it ever being rigorous enough to break a sweat. One time a neighbor, who I was madly in love with, asked me if I wanted to go play tennis. HOLY SHIT...What???? He probably thought I had some skills....I am a big sports fan and I probably led him to believe that , because I was a big college basketball fan, I was somehow athletic. Well, I went ahead and walked to the tennis courts with him all the time hoping that maybe I would actually be good at tennis...maybe I was giving myself enough credit. It was devastating. Horrible. Ridiculous.

ONE TIME I ran 3 miles when I lived in Indy. Another time I ran 3 miles when we lived in Palatine. I have done Jazzercise, Zumba, tae-bo....I have tried roller blading, speed walking and slow jogging. I have done pilates and machines and swimming. I have had memberships at the YMCA, River Trails fitness center, The Wellness Center and Elements. I have analyzed and soul searched and tried like mad to figure out how I can keep a clean house, manage the lives of 3 children, volunteer my time, hold down a professional job yet can not, under any and all circumstances, commit myself to exercise. Besides the answers of I don't like it and I don't have time.... and I don't wanna (wah wah)......I got nothin'.

The sad ending to this pathetic tale of complete lack of focus and commitment, is that I MUST do something...and now I am afraid to even do anything....knowing that of course, it won't last. I have lied to myself so many times that I don't even trust myself. My body is pain....I MUST work out....I have zero choice if I want to be happy in my own skin (and clothes!). If I were reading this, I would be shouting JUST DO IT. So I guess I will just take my own advice, shut up and go for a walk even though I would rather watch House Hunters.

Door County

2011-08-18T05:25:00.000-07:00

We just got back for a splendid 3 days in Door County. Far too short. It was glorious.

I love vacations! I love a get-away of all kinds. I love going to Louisville to visit my friends by myself. I love going on big family vacations to Disney. I love taking the kids for a quick Indiana trip. When surrounded by emails, making dinner, work issues, meetings of all kinds - it's no wonder why we all NEED to get away.

I love the build up as much as anything else. I love the questions about "is there a pool? a hot tub? Where will I sleep? Are you bringing snacks? Will we take a plane? How long to get there". I love seeing them pack - I give them a list and they come downstairs with bags, pillows, stuffed animals as if we are going away FOREVER. The night before there are more questions about if it will be dark when we wake them. Will the sun be out? Will we eat donuts in the car? "Remember that time you brought donuts to the airport?" (That was the best part of Peter's trip to Disney a few years ago....that I brought donuts to the airport!!).

So the wake up is, of course, thrilling!! And off we went.

We arrived in Door County in time for lunch. We went to PC Junction - which turned out to be Peter's favorite part of the trip. Lunch was fine but the big bonus was that this place had quite a variety of activity. There was a little jungle gym. Then there were these riding carts....like bikes but carts....?? Then there was some maze through old doors. And then the big prize - a HUGE pig and her babies. This pig was disgusting - literally laying in mud and flies and who knows what else. Pete loved it.

Then we headed to a more civilized place, Egg Harbor. We visited the Door County Confectionery and the kids were in HEAVEN. I can't lie, so was I. I love candy. I got Sixlets and a Cow's Tail. And of course, caramel.

Our room was ready so the real fun began. The anticipation of what will the resort look like? What will our condo look like? "MAMA - THERE'S THE POOL!!!". Truth be told, my kids would be totally satisfied at the Schaumburg Hyatt for vacation if there was a pool and hot tub involved. We keyed into our room and it was beautiful and perfect and everyone ran to claim their sleeping spot. My favorite part was the big porch with a peaceful view.

We did so much fun stuff but it wasn't all nonsense free. Of course, Peter is 5 so there's a decent amount of pouting if he's not completely happy - like if I want to take his picture or if we are going into a shop that isn't a candy shop. He pouted during mini golf and that ridiculous but it didn't really stop the rest of us. Lily also found herself in a few unjust situations where the world is against her and no one cares. But again, it really didn't seem to phase the group. Either we are all used to it or the 78 degree not-a-cloud-in-the-sky breeze softened the pain.

We mini golfed, ate great food, visited a beach, walked around town, listened to great music, saw gorgeous views, swam, soaked, and swam some more. When I asked Peter his favorite part he said "PC Junction - I liked that pig". When I asked him what he thought my favorite part was he said "when you found out that the candy store had Bit-O-Honey?". I laughed so hard. I did love that part. I do love Bit-O-Honey. But really the minute we opened the door to our condo might have been my favorite part...the excitement over who gets to push the elevator buttons. Who gets to put the key card in. The opening that door for the first time....knowing we are ON VACATION! We have arrived and can unpack! "MAMA - THERE'S A WHIRLPOOL IN YOUR ROOM!!!" The rest is pure bonus.

Buster

2011-08-11T18:27:00.000-07:00

Peter Nicoll still walks out every morning and starts to run a little bit when he sees me. He jumps in my arms and squeezes tight. He still has his fuzzy hair, sleepy eyed, little boy sweetness that greets me with happiness every single day. He does not wake up crabby. He kisses me over and over. It's the best feeling ever. The other day I pulled up after work and he was in the yard and our eyes met and he started blowing me kisses over and over. The love he gives is ENORMOUS and still just as sweet and innoscent as when he was 2. We are snuggling on the couch right now and he's kissing me on the arm as I type. I am one lucky mama. What scares me most is that I know this won't last....

Summer - What did we do?

2011-08-11T06:51:00.000-07:00

The other day someone asked the girls how our summer was and before they could answer, she asked "did you miniature golf or go to Great America or a waterpark". The answer is no, we hadn't done any of those things. I stood there defending in my mind that we did have a fun summer....right? It got me wondering, "what did we do this summer?".

I have a theory about summer. It needs just that perfect balance between active and quiet. It's not easy b/c you also have to throw in some necessary items....like work. And then there are classes - like swimming and keeping up with piano and keeping pace with ballet. Seeing family and old friends. Napping, resting, tanning. Biking, climbing, rollerblading. There are shows to see and music to go hear. There's the city, the county, the beach..... One can see how the balancing act can be tricky.

So I started thinking about the summer of 2011. Some memories came to me right away but to be honest, I couldn't remember a thing about June. What happened in June?
Oh yea - June. Summer started with Lily going to theater camp for almost 2 weeks and me working a lot during that time. Then near the end of the month, we had a little tornado in Mt. Prospect. Wowsy - trees down and such a mess and we had no power for 3 days. Then off we went to camp at the Indiana State Dunes Park. Glorious. AND we had electricity at our site which was more than we were having at home. We will never camp anywhere else again. I was proud to be a Hoosier.

July - What can we really say about July? It started with our annual July 3rd party. We turned right around to host a Mexican dinner with friends. The kids and I headed to Wisconsin to visit friends. We returned to have friends from Louisville visit for a night. We had a week of golf and pool time and then a night of non stop storms and no power. Our beautiful basement flooded. From that point to this very moment, I would say that the summer of 2011 will be marked by that flood and the continual loss of electricity we are still experiencing. BUT let's not forget some really fabulous things happened in July too!
A dear friend's wedding.
A surprise 40th birthday party for a great friend and best night of the summer.
Peter learned to ride a 2 wheeler.
Peter learned to buckle himself in the car seat (with the bribe of 2 packs of gum after 2 continuous days of buckling).
Peter learned he loves golf.
The girls had sleepovers (this is one of those line items that were fabulous for them but painful for me)
We learned card games, went swimming, had play dates, saw The Music Man, and ate a ton of ice cream.

August - still in the works but it's been pretty darn perfect. Friends from Ohio visited, Cubs game, more parties, more food, more beer and band camp. Now next week we head to Door County for one last hoorah.

We haven't played mini golf. I doubt we will make it to a water park and I know we won't be going to Great America. I do feel a little guilt about the mini golf thing....add that to the list of things to do in Door County!! I guess I am one satisfied summer customer who set out to strike a balance and might just have accomplished it!

Parenting - The Mounting Pressure

2011-08-02T11:16:00.000-07:00

We have all seen those Datelines or 20/20's that tell the story of a teenage girl who lived in the quintessential neighborhood with what appeared as the most perfect family but found herself doing drugs with friends instead of going to school. Or we've watched segments of a child taking their own life because of bullying at school. The amount of information we know about what could happen to kids is endless - a friend of a friend, heard it on Facebook, saw it on the news, read it on the Yahoo page. Is there any question why we are all scared shitless to get this thing right?

For years, I have been keenly aware that if I don't get each stage perfectly right, I could end up with a teen who runs away, bullies, drops out of school or simply feels lost. Or if I don't discipline back talk at age 9, I will have a tween who screams at me that she's not going to do homework. There are so many scenarios that hold risk for no matter how you handle it. You could be too strict causing kids to want to rebel. Or, you could be so lenient that they are up to no good right under your nose. You could hover or you could sit back. You could talk too much or too little. You could have no trust or trust way too much. Who the hell knows? I operate with continual fear that makes huge leaps like cellphone/sexting...facebook/inappropriate pictures posted.....email/cyberbullying.....indpendence/drinking in the basement....and the list goes on.

Saying all of this, I am not a total nut job. I do let my kids have appropriate levels of independence. I just am cringing inside the whole time!! Yes, I will let Maeve have a phone. Yes, I will allow email and use of computers. I will talk too much and ignore some stuff I probably shouldn't. I won't get it all right. I will be too strict and embarrass my kids. I will apologize for flipping out over what is probably normal stuff. Once again, I wish I could just focus on kids that are 5, 10 and 11 but I know better than that...I know that 8, 13 and 14 are somewhat determined by today as much as that kind of sucks.

This isn't one of those blogs where I have some grand solution at the end. My only solution is to do my best, follow my gut as confused as it is these days, consult with my friends and to try to remember how I felt when I was 10 and 11. And lastly, stop watching Dateline.

Rants for the Day

2011-06-14T14:17:00.000-07:00

You know how some days just suck. They just provide one irritant after another. You know you will get over it by tomorrow but for today, it sucks. Here are just a few things that got to me today - in no particular order of aggravation.

Dear Mother at Carson's whose son I nearly tripped over b/c he was aimlessly walking in front of me while looking down, oh so focused, at his DS,
If your kid can't make it through Carson's without the aid of an electronic, then he's got bigger problems than me running his ass over. Please loose the DS and get moving.

Dearest Children of mine who eat mozzarella cheese as string cheese and as a grilled cheese but not as Ham n' Cheese like I made today,
If you waste any more food or any more of my time b/c you only like certain foods paired with certain bread or hot or cold or on the side.....I promise you that if you don't finish the lunch I make tomorrow, you will never eat again.

Dear Mt. Prospect,
Why does downtown smell like urine?

Dear Summer,
I know you are here. I have heard it from others. I have yet to see if for myself. Please come and stay. Please find rides for my kids to their activities so that I can enjoy the sunshine on my deck with a cold iced tea. Please do something with the flowers that are already dead b/c perhaps they've gotten too much water or not enough sun......I know how they feel but I am hopeless with agriculture. Please remind me of why we love you so much by making the world stop and the sun shine.

I guess that's it...I mean, I am irritated at Anthony Weiner for being a Jack Ass and I am aggravated that I have worked a lot lately with not to show for it and but overall, I think I have covered it.

Sincerely - Julia Nicoll

Oprah

2011-05-26T13:49:00.000-07:00

Being 43 years old makes me the quintessential Oprah follower. I remember when she came to Chicago to do A.M. Chicago because my Mom was a big Phil Donahue fan and this was kind of his thang. High school, college, in my 20's, when my babies were born and as they grew, Oprah gave me, in the least, 1 hour of "checking out" and at it's best, 1 hour of "plugging in". As the years went on and she really became OPRAH, her show became more of a vitamin rather than a distraction. We all really need both but it's the nutritional nugget of her message that called me back for more each day. Until this morning, when I finally watched the 3 finale shows, I reserved an hour of my day for that exponentially important vitamin. So why am I sad the show is over? It's covered a lot of my life. It's really been a teacher to me about so much....when alone, you know you aren't. When afraid, you know there are others who fear too. When down, you know others have it worse. When content, push the envelope. When your gut speaks, listen. When helpless, reach out. Write, think, listen. Forgive. Seek the truth. Be real. Be honest. Be the best YOU. Mostly, be thankful. And I am.

It's an interesting time for the show to end. My baby is graduating from preschool and off to real school and my oldest is off to middle school. I need her more than ever but alas, I must carry on apparently without the Oprah Winfrey Show. I personally think it's too much to ask but I see it kind of like I am leaving the nest or like Mama Bird kicked my ass out of the nest....either one really. Let's see if I can do this thing on my own. Let's see if what I have learned has been for naught. Let's see if I can listen to my gut, know that I'm worthy and be my best. Let's see if I can remember that steel cut oatmeal is the best breakfast food.

Ode to O. Thanks for teaching all of us gals how to be TOTAL women. Now one last thing, how in the hell am I supposed to know what to read from now on?

Real Estate....the good, the bad and the ugly

2011-04-19T15:02:00.000-07:00

"How's the market....really?". I hear it a lot. I think most of us answer that question with such trepidation. Is it better? The answer is complicated. We aren't selling 2 bedroom ranches w/ no basements for over $300,000 and Capes aren't selling for $420,000 anymore BUT, houses sell. Every single day something sells. Buyers are pickier and sellers have been beat up. When homes are selling well, prices are controlled b/c when a seller controls price, they don't need to accommodate any other factor. Everyone can price their colonial for $500,000 whether you moved in last year or have owned it for 30 years. But when a buyer controls the market, the seller's personal motivation plays a HUGE part in the process. People who have owned their home for 20 years can be much more flexible than a couple who bought their home in 2006 and that is why we such discrepancies in price....all over the board really. Very rarely are sellers ABLE to list their home for the price I think will work. They just don't have the financial flexibility. The best thing about a seller's market is consistency. This current market is completely random.

Sometimes I think people think we miss the old market b/c it was "easier". But truth be told, my "best" years have come after the peak. Here's what most of us miss.....the JOY of real estate. I miss checking MLS every 20 minutes b/c we were waiting for that perfect house to come on the market so we could POUNCE! I miss seeing buyers fall head over heals w/ a house b/c they have been waiting to live in a certain neighborhood and now here's this house....finally! I miss seeing sellers thrilled at the price of their home. I miss the excitement that would come from an offer on one of my listings being faxed over and just dying to see the price (of course, almost every offer came in high...so not a lot of mystery but certainly a lot of excitement!). I miss calling my sellers, barely containing my own joy, that they have an offer. (Now when I call with an offer, I often have to start slow and easy b/c the number is a painful stab in the gut.)

BUT....here's why I still do it!!!! People can buy a house now who didn't have a chance before! Every year I still have clients that feel more like friends than clients and their happiness is my happiness. I still believe in the HOME. I still believe that this commodity that I manage to broker is STILL one of the greatest dreams come true. I still believe that what I sell isn't a building....I still get excited when I get a new client who is vested in the process....b/c believe me, it's a process. There's almost greater satisfaction at a closing when you and your sellers have traveled through many challenges to be able to sit there at that moment knowing WE DID IT! I still love to sit at the closing table and more times than not, we sit there sharing a bond that makes sellers and Realtors more like family.

The ups and the downs....there are pendulum swinging moments for sure. They can swallow you up. I have been in downs that are really tough. There are dark moments for every Realtor who feels helplessly held hostage by our current market. But for every "down" moment, I have had the ups too like seeing buyers tearful w/ joy that they FOUND their home....they are home.

Would I rather make a living singing folk music and traveling around the country with my band? Sure would. But until then, this gig ain't too bad!!!

Complete melt down

2011-04-05T16:32:00.000-07:00

Tonight, while taking a few breaths looking out my kitchen window, I wondered what would happen to lab rats if they had to jump on and off their wheel every 45 minutes and do something different and then back to their wheel again......all day long. Would they too end up literally shaking while making dinner with head spinning and heart racing? I'm guessing YES. Some meltdowns you can see coming. Some come out of nowhere. This one could have been predicted. Why I hadn't done a better job preparing myself, I have no idea. Actually I do have some idea - I have no time to prepare myself. It all started with the always bad combination of too much work, too much volunteering, too little attention to my own mental health and far too many cold and dark days. Throw in a little "race against the clock" mentality and a smart ass kid and things get rolling. Top it all off w/ the fact that I had one child being dropped off to my house at the same exact time I was picking one up. And that I couldn't find shoes in the 5 seconds I left myself to get out the door so I actually wore HIGH HEEL DRESS SHOES w/ gray sweats. And had peter and b/c I feel guilty running in and out of the house all day, I brought Harper too. At this point, I was okay. Tired, but okay. As I got to school, I noticed all of these cars were parked. WHAT??? Why are they parked? Are we supposed to be at this dress rehearsal? Oh shit....is this the day I am going to be trained as the "microphone supervisor"? I am wearing high heals w/ sweats!! I have a preschooler and a dog in the car? I am supposed to be home for Lily!! That was the moment it all came crashing down. I didn't have my phone. I was so panicked I was actually going to just drive off when I saw Maeve flag to me that I needed to come in to check her out. I am SURE this information was in an email. I am positive of that. But I read a billion emails a day and lately, I can't keep track of what is what - work emails, volunteer emails, school emails, schedule changes....who knows. I was just proud I knew last Tuesday was "bun day" at ballet. Anyway .....I run into Fairview huffing and puffing, car running w/ Peter and Harper, and me in brown high heal shoes, white sports socks and gray sweats..... When I returned to the car, I was a disaster....ranting about how all of this is "too much". I am boo hooing big time all the way home. I arrive home to find that indeed, Lily and her ride is waiting for us (thankfully, the driver is a dear friend!!). As I am melting down, I think "I have to make dinner....I have no idea what to make". Once inside, I trip over boots, backpacks. I yell out "pick up this crap. I do not want ONE SINGLE THING touching this floor unless it's furniture...". I go to make dinner.....literally shaking....wondering why I said I would help with the cast party. Why did I say I would be microphone supervisor. Why did I say I would chaperon the 5th grade Open Gym Night. I know the answer.....I think it's important. I know it's the right thing to do. I know it means a lot to my kids. But as my mind races between work and writing Thank You notes for the Foundation and getting a deposit to the venue for next year and loosing weight and working out and the many missed choir practices and why I haven't gotten my family to church on a regular basis and how I really don't like playing Star Wars and how my son doesn't know the alphabet and have I had enough water today and we don't have a present for a birthday party and how Rob & I make zero time for our relationship, it's exhausting. And we all do this. I am not alone. This is not a boo-hoo fest for me. We are all interrupted every 45 (or fewer) minutes w/ pick ups and drop offs and questions and meal prep and phone calls and door bells and homework. We moms (and dads!) are insane humans. That is why we all long for quiet and peace and our beds. This is why sleeping is my favorite thing to do. I know I need to simplify. It's VERY difficult to do....it's all important. Work, life, kids, our health, our time, our experiences. I have zero idea how to do it any better. I should make better lists, take better notes, be more prepared. But, in the end, I am just too tired.

Go ahead and eat like shit

2011-03-27T17:33:00.000-07:00

I had a light bulb moment today. Why am I spending so much time and energy into feeding my children. I mean, I would be a much happier person if that was a fight that I didn't have to have. So, I am giving up. I do not care. Here's a bit of the message I am sending to the Nicoll Three. Dear Children, It's my job to ensure you eat well enough to grow. It's my job to make sure you aren't starved or dehydrated. I will make sure those 2 things do not occur. But I can no longer muster up enough energy to create an entirely different meal for you so that you indeed eat. Because, even when I do that, you end up eating yogurt at 8:00 anyway. I can't keep track if Lily had chocolate milk 2 times to the 1 time that Maeve had chocolate milk. From today on, I will make dinner one way. The way Daddy and I want to eat it. You are welcome to eat that meal. I will not answer "what are we having for dinner". I will not try to make your dinner different than our's in hopes that it's more what you like. I am not not going to worry if you have had enough milk or fruits and the constant worry that none of you consume veggies outside of potato chips. I will not buy the cinnamon waffles you all love b/c you eat the box in 1 day and then fight about who had the last one. Frankly, 2 of the 3 of your are too old for this nonsense. So, eat what I cook or don't eat. Eat what I buy or don't eat. Enter my kitchen at your own risk. LOVE, your over-worked, underpaid and fairly undernourished herself Mother.

Finally

2011-03-23T20:15:00.000-07:00

I have had a million things to write about....kids, the Foundation Dinner/Auction, my constant eye on the ever changing face of politics, my obsession with progressive talk radio and even the tough times we find ourselves in our own school district. But I have either not had the words, the time, the creative energy or the freedom to write without constantly editing myself. Today, I have a real purpose. My baby is turning 5 tomorrow. It breaks my heart a little bit every day to think of him leaving being a baby for being a big boy. If he wasn't still so affectionate and completely devoted to me, I would have to be committed. Lock the doors. Mama's breaking down. Peter most certainly has it all right now - he's hilarious, he's loving, he wants me to still hold him but he can also tell a great story. His words and tone mingle in and out of serious and funny. He plays "house" and then star wars. He runs and kicks like a hot shot and then plays dress up with his sisters. I am proud to say that I think he charms the pants off everyone he meets. And even with the world as his oyster, he says he wants to marry me. How did I get so lucky? I really don't know but I really believe God knew we needed him. I know some day he will truly be over me....he'll be too big to hold, embarrassed to play make believe and even marry some other girl. But for now, even at 5, he's still a mama's boy.

We set the tone.

2011-02-06T05:59:00.000-08:00

It's taken me a few weeks to put into words my thoughts on this subject.
Before I get wordy and loose focus (which is why it's taken me so long to get this done), I just want to say this. It's simple - being positive is good for the whole. The Village and the school board can take the heat but it's not good for US. Negativity is not good for the whole.
Recently a few things have happened that certainly got my blood boiling (now you're thinking, "NOW, she's getting to the point"). Both our village and our school system has taken a beating for A. things that are beyond their control and B. the decisions they make. Mostly, it makes me totally insane when people say things in the public forum (newspapers, Facebook) that are at best inappropriate but in the least inaccurate. One time I read "where does the mayor and village manager live b/c they obviously don't care about MP?". What? Really? Do people really think these things? Is that a responsible thing to say? Here's the answer - they both live here and they care very much. But the more and more we stir that pot, the worse it gets. It's not good for the whole. Why can't we say "the board of trustees love our town and had to make very difficult decisions that I am not willing to make since I didn't run for Board Trustee".
We have been blessed beyond with a fabulous school district. Our kids get opportunities I know most of us never got. We have loving teachers who try their best. We have school spirit and science fairs and orchestra and drama club. We have band and chorus and art club and computer classes. Our kids are blessed.
We also have a school board of 7 members who do their best. I want to ask the critics "Did you know they spend countless hours every month researching and analyzing data and discussing every decision they make? Did you know our district is NOT mandated to provide bussing? Our district could just say "no more bussing" b/c they are not mandated by the state to provide that service but they do. Did you know that last year the school district had to return about $500,000 back to Cook County for the people who fought their property taxes, won and were given back money? Did you know our administration team is the 5th lowest paid Admin. team in the 6 school districts that surround us? Did you know most schools the size of LP and FV also have vice principals but that cut was made long ago? Did you know that it's not really a blast trying to figure out how to accomplish these budget cuts.?" Why can't we just say "our school board is trying their best. They are making decisions I am not willing to make since I didn't run for school board."
Lastly, a mom I know whose oldest will be going to Kindergarten said to me "I have heard so many bad things about Westbrook. Should I send my son somewhere else? Is it really that bad of a school". This broke my heart. I think we all get so worked up we forget that our words have consequences. We set the tone for what people perceive. The issues at Westbrook have to do w/ adults. The KIDS at Westbrook get a fabulous education by teachers who work their asses off to make sure it's a loving environment. I mean, no matter how mad you are at the school board, do you honestly want people to believe Westbrook is a "bad" school? Is that good for the whole? It is even good for you?
After that mom asked me that question about Westbrook, I just thought "this isn't good for us. All of this negative banter and chit chat isn't good for the whole. I don't want parents who know NOTHING about the school district to have her first impression be that it's "not good". WHAT? We have to watch how and what we say, whether it's in this blog or on FB or in the Daily Herald. I am not suggesting we never question authority but let's just do it in a way that is productive - go to the source, go to meetings, ask questions, try to help, run for office, vote for who you believe in.
Let's serve us all well - this is Mt. Prospect dammit - where "friendliness is a way of life". We set the tone....it's up to us.

How I can prove PMS is real!

2011-01-12T14:33:00.000-08:00

I have had approximately 424 periods in my life. But somehow, each month I am surprised by this PMS thing. I don't even honestly realize it until day 2 or 3. So how can I prove that PMS is real?
Because for 28 days of the month I live with a small kitchen. For 3 days of the month I live in a kitchen where people are intentionally standing in front of drawers and dishwashers and purposely on top of me.
For 28 days of the month I wish Lily would put her bangs back in a clip. For 3 days of the month I can only stare at those bangs....I see nothing else....I will beg, plead and bribe her to PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF MAN KIND PUT THOSE BANGS BACK IN A CLIP.
For 28 days of the month I eat fairly horribly. For 3 days of the month, I eat like a kid their first week in college.
For 28 days of the month, I am with it during the day...not like I am doing aerobics mid afternoon, but at least awake. For 3 days of the month, I walk around in a coma blinded by headaches and counting the minutes until I can sleep again.
For 28 days of the month, I am productive. I get stuff done. For 3 days of the month, I look around not knowing what to do when or how. I am confused, boggled, overwhelmed and therefore do nothing. It's so bad, I can't even imagine I will ever be productive again. I believe my only solution is naps and ice cream.
For 28 days of the month, I make dinner. For 3 days of the month I wander around my kitchen trying to match ingredients but never managing much more than cereal.
But to fully bring this point home, today after school Lily said words I had been dreading. "The science fair is coming up". OH NO. I HATE SCIENCE FAIRS. If this would have come on any of those other 28 days I am guessing I would have been cringing but might have had some level of restraint regarding my own psychosis. But today, one of those 3 dreaded days, I just couldn't bear those words. The Science Fair. For days I had been hoping that neither one of my kids finds out about the science fair. I dread, hate, fear the science fair. Both girls have done plenty of science fairs and I am fairly confident neither one remembers anything about what they learned. I think they remember the actual fair and how fun it is running around with all of the kids. But I am certain they have zero memory of the pain and agony that came before those glorious moments at the fair. So when today, Lily said "Andrea and I are doing the science fair together", I nearly fainted. I just said "nope. We aren't doing science fairs this year". I could hear how that sounded and I think I was actually moaning when I said it. Probably even whining. I felt badly that she felt badly but not today, not now. I HATE SCIENCE FAIRS. So there you have it - proof that PMS is real. When a rational intelligent mom tells her enthusiastic 3rd grader "no way" to an American past time like the science fair, we have proof. It's real.

Chocolate Long John

2011-01-04T19:14:00.000-08:00

2011 Update thus far....
Well I am pretty sure when I woke up this morning determined to exercise some level of discipline with my food intake, the chocolate long john donut from Marianos wasn't part of the plan. However, 6 hours later and a bit on the hungry side, I found it to be the perfect lunch. Some day soon, I will focus. I know what to do but I am definitely a bit ADD in life...I really can only focus on a few things at once. So for now, it's work and the Ed. Foundation Spring event. To truly eat well and focus on exercise, I need nothing to stop me. Basically I need nothing else to do! That's pathetic but true. So, for now I give thanks that I am not diabetic or 400 lbs given my diet in the last 2 months.
I am showing condos in the Gold Coast of Chicago and being in the city is right up my alley. Even the challenge of where to park gets me pretty excited. I am a city girl who wants a country home for "holiday". Real estate is good. It's not dead. It's very much kickin' and I think 2011 will see some huge improvements in both home sale prices and length of time on the market. Perhaps forever an optimist, but my gut tells me that there is a shift out there. Saying that, I think that sellers who won't accept reasonable offers don't really want to move and buyers who want to see 129 homes don't really want to buy. But for people who want to "make it happen", this is a great time.
For the first day back to school this past Monday, I was chilled. Whatever happens, happens. People were calling me w/ school questions and I didn't have the answers but more amazingly, I didn't even care. I was so chilled out. 24 hours later I was screaming at Maeve for not getting ready fast enough since she didn't get up early enough for bad. I even let little Peter Nicoll have it for stalking my every move. I stood here at 7:50 wondering where my chilled out attitude was and then I remembered how I was going to "accept myself in 2011!". When I realized that it's okay to be chilled AND it's okay to yell at the morning chaos, I felt better. Both are really fine. A work in progress.....that's fo sho.

Acceptance in 2011

2010-12-27T14:31:00.000-08:00

Being a mother to 3 is way different than I ever imagined. When I was young, growing up and well into my 20's, I saw myself having 2 kids. A boy and a girl. When I imagined it - parenting - I was different in that video I played in my head. I was in shape, still 28 (I guess never aging?!), patient, organized and basically on top of my game. Sometimes I will see moms and think "that is how I expected I would be". You know, more crafty....layed back....fun loving....artsy. You know that mom. The mom who is running with a football in her hand while her kids tackle her and everyone is laughing. The mom who pulls up to school in her clean Subaru hatch back. That same mom who has time and energy to be a foster parent, volunteer at school, bring her husband lunch at work.....you know the one I am talking about.
Fast forward and I have 3 instead of 2 and am out of shape and too tired to be "artsy" or even know what that is supposed to mean. I drive a dirty dented 6 year old van. The new video is of a mom who is more patient now than in the beginning at least but she certainly isn't crafty. She looses her keys, drops kids off with pajama pants on, I only watch football and no one should ever consider tackling me. WHY did I ever envision myself the other way? I wasn't that way then so why in the world would I all of a sudden give birth and blossom into a "commercial" mom. I wish I could go back to that girl and say, "listen, you are who you are, learn to love it".

I have spent over a decade trying to become a really good mom. Some things I did well from the beginning, but other things still have a long way to go. We don't go to church regularly, I think lemonade stands are a pain in the ass and sometimes I don't read the Friday flyer from school. BUT - as my kids have grown, I am so proud of them. I look at them and think "man, these kids really rock". So my point is this - you don't have to be perfect or even parent perfectly to have lovely, wise and sweet children. I am proof.
So in 2011, I am working on acceptance b/c I don't want to spend another decade thinking I am not good enough and because I just heard someone whisper (or shout!) in my ear, "you are who you are, learn to love it!".

Love

2010-12-10T16:26:00.000-08:00

I am ill-equipped at best to blog about the death of a child. I can't speak to the unbearable anguish parents must feel when they bury a child so all I can do is try to write about our community. Recently a family in our small knit community lost their first born daughter to cancer. She passed away the Sunday after Thanksgiving after months of hope and commitment and collective inspiration. We in Mt. Prospect rallied around her diagnosis, her wellness, her struggles and her passing.
For me, as a parent, I am sure we all saw our own fragility exposed more and more with each mention of Lindsey's ups and downs. I marveled at her parents commitment to family life and schedules and wellness. I admired them for being the best version of what we hope we could ever be ourselves. We watched them motor on with soccer, concerts and list goes on and on while enduring what I could only imagine was fear and helplessness. I am sure we all have thought about how we would ever handle this situation if we were the parents. If I was the mother. I only hope that I could muster up half the strength her mom gave to each day.
For the kids, Lindsey represented so much. She was exponentially likable so cheering for her was a common denominator amongst every grade, boy or girl. These kids learned so much in the past year and a half. They learned that even when someone is sick and might loose their hair, it's still the same exact person. They learned that someone their very own age was tough and resilient and amazing. I can't tell you how many times my girls would say "I saw Lindsey today and she looked so pretty" or "Lindsey is such a good dancer". And when she passed away, Maeve came home and said "Mrs. Boundy said that even when Lindsey was sick and didn't feel well, she always handed everything in on time". You could see how impressed Maeve was. I think all of the kids just marvelled at her spirit and were so proud to know her. And just as I saw a mothers best version in Sue, the kids saw that in Lindsey. She showed them how to be the best you can be. I know they learned that from her. For my girls, their first reaction (and I told them separately) to the news that she passed away was their concern for our friend and neighbor, one of Lindsey's best friends. They both said they knew this was so hard for Caylie. We made cookies and they made cards and across the street they marched. It's all we could do. A feeble attempt to ease their pain. I know this probably happened all over town. All of us trying to ease the pain.
During the last couple of weeks, I tried to take time to understand all of this. I have come to conclude, there is no understanding of all of this. It's painful and there's no "bright side". But I do know that when there is such pain it's because of unbelievable love. We have seen unbelievable love. We all supported whoever we could so that maybe that person could manage this loss a little bit better and through support were acts of love. I have seen love in 11 year old boys and girls. We have witnessed love between teachers and kids and family and neighbors. And I am sure that anytime we Mt. Prospectors see purple for the rest of our lives, we will see love. Even 4 year old Peter sees it. He is so proud of his purple ribbon because "it's Lindsey's favorite color". He doesn't know her but he knows she is loved and that she loved that color. A few days ago he said, "I'm afraid that when spring comes, people will forget that purple was Lindsey's favorite color". I said, "I don't think that will ever happen".
We have been blessed that we have had the honor to witness such grace and strength and love.

Parenting out of fear

2010-10-27T12:09:00.000-07:00

It wasn't that long ago that I was oblivious to the burdens of parenting a school aged child. At first, when we all had our babies, we worried about their NOWness. I can safely say that I didn't worry when it took Peter longer to walk that he might not actually walk some day. I just worried if he was walking NOW. I don't think I remember hearing other parents say "if he doesn't learn to share, he will surely be a loner in 4th grade". So when did that change? When did our worries become about what MIGHT be if we don't get this parenting thing exactly right? For me, I can remember the first time I thought "holy shit, if I don't fix this, it will effect her in Middle School". Lily was 41/2. Her acceptance of one Peter Nicoll was rough; unpleasant and full of defiance and disrespect. I DID worry that if I didn't get this straightened out she would be a 15 year old kid that would open her own window in the middle of the night to escape from her horrible family. (That part might actually still take place - the verdict is still out). I worried about her at age 15 when she was 4 and 5. I can remember then thinking how insane that is - how much time I was wasting worrying about things that may or may not happen for a full decade. But even moments of logical reasoning didn't stop me or anyone else I know from needless hours of anxiety while we made the connections between talking back at dinner to dropping out of highschool. I think almost everyone I know parents out of fear - out of what MIGHT happen.
I can safely say I didn't sent my kids to St. Mark's preschool to prepare them for Kindergarten. At the time, I didn't even think about life after St. Mark's. I choose it b/c it was sweet and fun and seemed like a happy place. But I do know people do base their preschool decisions on exactly that - how well they will be prepared for Kindergarten. And now we think about which teacher might best prepare our child for 3rd grade b/c 3rd grade is especially difficult. And then 5th grade has to be tough b/c they are getting them ready for 6th grade.....MIDDLE SCHOOL!!!!(here's an insiders secret - even if your child IS prepared for Lincoln it is STILL hours of homework and stress and worry!!) And with our middle school holding the "word on the street" award for being the LEAST prepared middle schoolers for Prospect High School, then you can imagine the pressure they are all under to "bring it". And Prospect High School holds another "street" award for being fabulous. So you know they too feel the pressure to be high ranking. I bet they aren't even satisfied if they are as good as there were last year. Even though it was good, it could be better. We are all trying to be better.....best. But when does it end? Does it end when kids graduate from high school? Or College? Are people my age STILL trying to be better....best?
I don't know. But I do know this. I cannot worry about Lincoln Middle School anymore. I just can't - it's wasting my time. I can't keep worrying that if Lily chooses to be friends with someone in 3rd grade that is somewhat of a bully, that she is destined to be a follower which means she is surely going to turn to drugs and never graduate from school. I can no longer hear "just wait - it only gets worse". If it only gets worse, then I will certainly live a life of dread. B/c seemingly I can do nothing about it except change how I think about it. I can't worry that if Maeve doesn't learn balance now, she will most definitely never be able to handle the hectic life in high school. Maybe she will, maybe she won't but worrying can kill the spirit of NOW. That now I have a 10 year old and a 9 year old......2 girls that are just fine. Two girls that are sometimes leaders, sometimes followers - sometimes respectful, sometimes not......sometimes showered, sometimes not.......sometimes confident. sometimes insecure. All I can do is parent right now...I can't predict what will happen and I have to believe that sometimes, despite even the best parenting, kids do things that they shouldn't.
We are all parenting not just in hopes of them being happy, confident and loving people but also so that they're NOT drug addicts, loners, bullied, bullies, lonely, desperate, flunked out teenagers. I, for one, can no longer keep worrying about all of this. I can't keep thinking about all of the bad things that might happen if I don't parent perfectly. Or if our schools are perfect. It will literally make me crazy....and I really don't function well when crazy. This I know for sure.

Politics

2010-10-05T11:21:00.001-07:00

I have tossed back and forth the idea of a Political blog - I mean just one, certainly not a series. I couldn't keep up the emotional aptitude to do more than 1 blog along the way.....b/c when I am engaged w/ the political climate of our day, I am certainly charged up but I can only maintain that energy for brief periods of time. Then it gets too much for me and I have to "check out" of MSNBC and The Daily Show and any other news radio program that gets me fired up.
I am no fair weathered Democrat. I come from a long line of Democrats from every blood line that flows through my core. In fact, I think only once did someone related to me (I am not talking sibs or cousins, but those who came before me!) vote Republican. But I must honestly say my own ideas about what a Democrat is or should be didn't come to fruition until my first job as a Child Welfare Caseworker.
For me it goes like this......I am lucky in life to have it all - love, work, aspirations, success, and support. But for many, those things don't exist. I can remember being in my 20's and getting into a heated argument at a bar with a friend from college about "why can't these moms just get a job - why are they all on welfare". Well, the answer is so simple. All of the things that have come about it our personal history brought us to where we are....so for every good decision I make in my life, it didn't come out of no where, it came to to me via genetics, birth right, geographical location, love, support, encouragement. I didn't decide to chose college or a good husband or good friends on my own with nothing behind that - I made those decisions b/c I was shown love, given opportunity, encouraged to succeed, and lived in a constant mode of pride - pride of hard work, family and myself. NOW.....take all that away and I find it unreasonable to expect that people with much much less than I was given can make equally good decisions. It's unreasonable. I will tell you why these moms are on welfare - it's either all they know or they are on hard luck. If all you know is loss, abandonment, hopelessness - you better hope you have the genetic predisposition to at least have some level of intelligence to get you through. But so many people don't even have that. And if you don't have good genes or good examples of faith, hard work or pride than you better hope the school you went to as a kid rocked. But my money is - it didn't. You see - the people who have nothing, get nothing b/c it's all connected. The people with something get even more b/c it's all connected. I remember driving in my car one day while working in Child Welfare and thinking "why is that woman like that and I am like me?"....was it luck? What was it? It's not luck, but it is good fortune. I am blessed. So this long winded explanation ends by saying that that is why I compelled to help others and to vote for those who believe that without that help, we as a Country abandon each other. We MUST provide these kids with more b/c they aren't getting it in any other way. We must provide mothers with training, hope, encouragement b/c they aren't getting it in any other way. We must educate each child equally b/c if we don't, those kids can't buy a better school like so many others can. We must provide everyone with equal healthcare b/c I shouldn't receive better coverage simply b/c my husband has a good job b/c he was born to loving parents who raised him in a fabulous community with an outstanding high school and free ride to college - provided him with love, opportunity and yes, even a car. That's not fair. And I would love for someone to try to argue that it is.....Come on, try me.

Update

2010-09-21T05:48:00.000-07:00

I have recovered from my yoga experience. Yesterday I went to a different class and did well....actually well. So I felt good and proud. What a delicate psyche I have....

Psych consult

2010-09-18T07:00:00.001-07:00

I must warn you - this is a long one!
As I have blogged before, I am not a girl who likes and/or chooses to exercise. I go through phases when I feel good about - I am inspired to get it done and it feels good. I go through other phases when I resent the fact the our bodies can't just carry on as usual. I am sure so many people can relate - this is why I blog.
It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't know better. I mean if I had the luxury of ignorance, things would be a lot easier. I wouldn't be hearing the voice in my head all day of "you should have taken those extra 20 minutes to walk" or "you paid for the yoga class, you should really have gone".....or worse yet "you hate feeling puffy and crippled, DO something about it dumb ass". That last statement is a powerful one that I tango with on a continuum. So even as I type this even I say "then just go exercise"....like it's a simple solution. And in all reality it IS a simple solution. But time and again, I choose other activities. I validate these choices by claiming the injustice of age and social pressure. But in the end, I know better. When I order a muffin simple b/c it sounds good with the coffee, I know better.
This long winded opening is to paint the picture for my current state of psychosis.
Last Monday I went to Elements - a local fitness place for women. I don't just dislike working out - I fear it. I fear I don't know how to do it. I fear that I CAN'T do it. I fear that people I know will see me not being able to do it. This must be rooted in the many years I found myself embarrassingly nonathletic. I can only imagine if I were laying down in some shrinks office, he/she would implore me dig deep and recall some horrible memory of 6th grade team picking....or of a volleyball game at some bbq in my 20's...and the list goes on. So....anyway, back to Elements. I almost didn't go about 23 times that morning but finally walked through those doors. I have taken yoga many times before....it's been in big crowded dark rooms where no one can see if I can sit indian style or not....and I am finding, that's the way I like it. When I walked into Elements, it was such a friendly welcome from the owner (who I know) to the people there (who I know). But inside, I was already worried about yoga now that the place began to bustle with the familiar. The yoga teacher was kind and helpful and was burning the best oils. She had us in a circle which amplified my anxiety. We began in indian style....OH NO, my worst pose, the hardest skill, I can NOT sit indian style, I can NOT sit up straight. And now, everyone knows it. I had a total psych meltdown...thoughts racing through my head as insane as "at least I can sing...I do have skills of some kind, I can sing". I was actually listing the things I am able to do in my head while the teacher kindly called my name out several times to encourage "modifications". I piled up yoga blocks, I modified, I stuck it out and I was meeting every fear I had straight on. You would think by the end, I would have felt empowered but instead I wanted to go home and take a long nap. I was positive the teacher was having lunch later with a friend and discussing how crippled this poor 42 year old woman was. Then I spent several more minutes wondering WHY THE HELL DO YOU CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS???? A life long question that only seems to apply to me under one topic - exercise and weight! Otherwise, I am good with the world - don't care what people think about my clothes or my cars and the list goes on. But this one damn thing....is killing me.
I must continue....b/c dammit, I know better.

Pete

2010-08-16T09:57:00.000-07:00

This morning I was greeted in the same way I am every day by Peter....with a run run hug "uppie" followed by a kiss and a "good morning beautiful mommy". Every morning I know I am the luckiest gal around town. The LOVE is amazing - as if I trained him to do this. The great news, I didn't. It's purely authentic. I know I am lucky b/c I have been greeted in the morning in many other ways, not so loving but equally authentic.
Before the girls woke up, I turned on Little Bear for Peter and thought it a perfect time to call my dear friend Sheila for a good catch up. I sat on the deck with some coffee and a breeze and life was good. Peter followed me out to the deck and soon I noticed that he was behind our grill and all I could really see were his feet. The next thing I saw was his PJ bottoms and underwear fall to the ground. He was taking the opportunity to pee outside off the deck on one of the most beautiful mornings we have had since June and to be honest, I couldn't blame him. It was glorious outside. He makes me laugh every day.
Just now, he said he wrote a song and asked if I wanted to hear it. I sat down for the show. He had a mop which he swayed back and forth and sang "ooooohhhhh, bad guys....mmmm bad guys...oooohh bad guys". Then he said "do you want to hear the good guys song?". It was similar to the bad guy song but had more words..."Luke Skywalker wants to get the emperor b/c he is strooooonnng. The sharks are bad and can't ge-et me. Good guys...mmmm....good guys". I desperately tried to nonchalantly video tape this b/c it was both the greatest entertainment but also a sweet memory that I was already afraid I would forget. But he wouldn't oblige and nothing was taped. I am hoping that the memory will last although I am already forgetting the tune.
Lastly, another hilarious thing that Peter has started to do is to speak in 3rd person - Michael Jordon style. I will say "does anyone want to go for a walk?" and he will say "Peter Nicoll does".
He is hilarious and a complete love bug - who could ask for anything more?

Real Estate

2010-08-08T12:49:00.000-07:00

I thought I would take some time to blog about real estate. I am often asked about the market and since my blog title is Realtor Mom - I should pay at least some tribute to the Realtor end of things. Here's the good, bad and the ugly on our current market.
How's the market? I hear that question all of the time. I never know how to answer that. It can suck, it can be exciting, it can be encouraging, it can be interesting but mostly, it can suck. For about 3 years, all news is bad. I come and tell you how much your house is worth and that's bad. Then we list but have to change that price and that's bad. We finally get an offer and it's bad. So as a Realtor - it's our job to spin "bad". Here's my spin.
We are lucky. We live in a part of the country that STILL get's about $300,000 for a 3 bedroom house. That's a lot in relation to the rest of the country. So we are lucky. You are unlucky if you paid $525,000 for that same house in 2005 but I am spinning "good" now....It's not all bad. People still want to live here. Homes don't stand empty and boarded up for months or years or even a day for that matter. We still have the goods - we live close to Chicago, we have good schools and we have a train. Three things that make it appealing to live here. Yes, we are in a dip but that dip still doesn't even compare to the pain and agony some communities have had to bear these past couple of years. Thank goodness we still have buyers who want to live here.
Here's my spiel when I can no longer spin.
Buyers can be horrible horrible people. They watch a lot of HGTV and CNN to learn that it's "their time". They come in low and refuse to go up. They let $$ drive their house hunt rather than emotion or desire. They are robots looking for the best deal. They pay far too much attention to things my generation of buyers never had the luxury to care about - like "there's no back patio - where would we grill?". They are wise and in the end, know they are doing sellers a big fat favor - and honestly, they are right.
Sellers - every single seller thinks that this market dip has effected every home but their own. It's almost impossible to reason with sellers b/c they think that the $200,000 drop in prices is money they actually lost - like it was their bank account and someone stole it. If you didn't sell your home from 2002-2006, than the reality is this - you never had that money. It is imaginary money.
Saying all this - here's the bottom lines. I am impressed with buyers today. They have saved up a lot more money than I could have ever saved at their age. They are focused and taking full advantage of a great opportunity. Without them, the market would be done. No one would even have to ask me about the market - it would be obviously dead. And my heart is broken for sellers - who either can't sell b/c there is too much inventory or because they owe more than they can likely get. Either way, it's painful for them right now. Less painful than most of the country? Yes, but still painful.
My job is like all jobs. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. Great news, bad news. Hopeful news, defeating news. We take it - learn from it - spin it if we have to. We have to maintain a fundamental ideal - you have something you want to sell and someone out there wants it. The rest is just logistics but the belief in what you are selling must be very strong. I believe in these homes. I believe in these towns. And I believe that there will come a time when buyers go back to thinking that homes are more than houses and sellers understand that $400.000 for a 1 bedroom condo is insane. A girl can dream.

Maeve

2010-07-31T13:01:00.000-07:00

While I am on the topic of a "shout out", I thought that Maeve Nicoll really needs one. In her very own right, she is really quite a special girl. She certainly is the typical 10 year old with her constant arguing and negotiating. She is also the typical 1st born - in charge and certainly confident. But what's not typical about her is the brave nature she has in facing the world. She wears the craziest outfits from time to time but with such confidence that even I believe she can actually pull it off. Maeve is also naturally sweet. Something, I never felt about myself - I don't remember being "sweet", even at 10. I think the best way to describe her is that she is just super comfortable in her own skin. She makes friends easily and has not had much difficulty in school. I think she just knows she can do it and if she can't - that's okay too. One time I asked her if she thought she was pretty and she said "yea". But not like, "of course I am" or even like an excited "can you believe how pretty I am" either.....it was just a very simple, "yea". I was so happy she thought so - I would have done anything to think I was pretty at 10! So when I look at her sometimes I wonder where she came from. This tall dark beauty with confidence sans the arrogance who can enjoy activities to the fullest even when she doesn't excel at them. Who is this girl who comes downstairs in creative get ups from head to toe, ready to face the world? She tries to be friends with everyone and I have never seen her be mean to a friend. I am SO happy that I think she has true empathy and appreciation for her world. Truth be told, she is a gem. The time we spend arguing is a small little hiccup compared to how easy it's been to parent her. (remind me of that the next time I spend 20 minutes trying to get her to clean her room!!) So this is a shout out to Miss Maeve Onnalee Nicoll....doin' me proud!

Moving on and a shout out!

2010-07-30T07:04:00.001-07:00

Well my last post was certainly a rough day. But I must say that we have had some great days since. Again, I can not state this enough - If I can bear the "nonsense", then we all do so much better. So, if I can just stand the bickering or eye rolling or repeating rules, we all do well. It's when I start to feel the agitation like Harper must feel when the squirrels torment her from the telephone wires, is when we start to disintegrate as a unit. So the rest of the week, I dug a little deeper, accepted typical kid behavior and breathed. We were all happier. Take note - mothers lead the way. It's a ton of pressure to know that your reactions and actions LEAD anything when you feel depleted but it's the reality of mothering. All of us will have days that no matter how deep you go a diggin', you can't find patience enough to make PEACE a part of your day. But then it will also pass and you WILL be able to later....Breathe. Dig. Rest.

I have to give a "shout out" to my guy. Although he doesn't read my blog. I never really write about him but today I will. I am super lucky that after 12 years of marriage, I still would rather hang out with him than almost anyone else. I am lucky that he "gets" me and that instead of golf, concerts and bars, he's home w/ us or with the kids so I can go to work. He can handle the KID thing just as well as I can (probably better at times). He can get them where they need to be. He can initiate play dates. He brings them to the pool. And he can do all of this and make dinner too! I work in peace knowing that Rob Nicoll is in charge. I know I am lucky here b/c for some reason, some men can't quite do that...Mostly, we are completely simpatico with little moments of irritation (almost always his fault!@). The other day Peter said "why do you always hug Daddy?". I was so happy they notice this. I hope they always see 2 people who love each other, help each other and are happy. They will also see 2 people who ask the other why in the hell they can't close the shower curtain or put their shoes away!

done

2010-07-26T12:32:00.000-07:00

When I sit down to write blogs like this one....(which is the whole reason I blog - just to be honest about my life knowing/hoping that it connects with someone so that if they, too, have these issues, they will know they are not alone), I always feel compelled to first gush a little - have great kids, super sweet, kind, fun, loving, appreciative. I guess I want everyone to know that I adore my children even though I need to sit down to blog about why parenting is SO SO hard!! So it's like a disclaimer.
Disclaimer - Even though this blog may indicate that I am about to move to Idaho to escape parenting all together, I will survive and stay put b/c I love my super sweet, kind, fun, loving and some times appreciative kids.

I know all moms know what I am talking about. You start out calm. Everything is under control. I have corrected the same behavior (rudeness or meanness or disrespect - the 3 big NO NO's at my house) for the 42nd time today. But even so, I am still strong and clear. I simply state, after lunch you will have to spend time in your room. Now...she already has a play date scheduled at 3:00 which I can't cancel b/c they are coming to my house from the pool. So I am screwed here - no leverage. Anyway, back to the plan - "you will go to your room when you are done eating until Mia gets here". Daughter - "then I will never finish eating". SO many choices here - which one do I chose? Do I ignore so not to engage? Do I pick her up and take her to her room? Do I move Peter, me and Maeve from the situation? I choose to ignore. THEN, said child takes bits of her pizza and tosses it in my direction - about 3 times. I look at her like she has got to have lost her mind to do such a thing.
'Go to your room".
NO
I pick her up and bring to room - she is screaming "ouch, your hurting me". I put her in her room - a room that has 2 entrances. She and I spend about 2 minutes going in and out of her room and me staying calm. She walks towards 1 door and I go to block it, she goes to the other door and I go to block it. I am still calm. I even say "you are not going to go out there and ruin everyone's afternoon". I am calm. I try to say "look at how you were behaving at lunch". Daughter - screaming crying. I think I am the only one who deserves to scream and cry. After the billionth time of her trying to leave her room, I snap and am now screaming - the very thing I was trying so hard to avoid. I was trying SO hard to remain calm and clear. I yell "don't get off this bed". She actually stands up. STANDS UP. WHAT?????? She says "I hate living here". All I can think of is REALLY? You hate living at a place that will not allow you to throw food at your mother - yep, that's tough living. So I said, "okay, then leave.". I pick her up and bring her outside, lock the doors and went to bed. I laid in bed until i was calm and clear again - like a nice time out. All the while, she was pounding on the door and ringing the bell but I didn't care b/c at least she wasn't in here. After about 5 minutes, I unlock the back door. She comes eventually.
To be honest, I am done. If she comes in great, if not, I don't care. DONE. I have zero interest in correcting the behavior of an 8 year old who thinks it's okay to throw pizza at her mother. NONE. And when I am this mad, I am really done.....I almost boycott all parenting all together. That's the power of L, she completely sucks me dry to the bone. I just want to go to bed and call it a day. But alas, I must carry on. I must continue to parent. They will eventually have to eat. I will have to dry her pizza throwing ass to ballet later. I will HAVE to carry on. This is when i get even madder. She took a beautiful peaceful day and pecked away at it slowly but surely until we arrived at this moment. Her alone in her room (which is all i was ever asking for anyway!!!!!!) listening to music and the other 2 still requesting shit from me - can friends come over, can you come watch me to do a somersault, can you buy me a new helmet.

And here's the kicker - now I feel like shit. Like a bad parent b/c I lost my temper. That last helping of guilt and self loathing is the added bonus that I accepted at part of life the day I said "hey hon, I think I want to have a baby".
I was just trying to have a good day.

Happiness and work

2010-07-23T13:23:00.000-07:00

It was so ironic that today I received an email from the library telling me that The Happiness Project is now available for me. Perfect timing b/c I was just about to pout all over town. You see Real Estate is a little like the marines - the hardest job you are going to love...and then of course, I like to add my own ending of ..."and sometimes not love" as i am sure that is true for both. Or maybe even all jobs. Summer is tough on Realtors b/c it's slow. And by slow I mean you can list a house and a month later still have NO showings. Slow. And the explanation and remedy to that "slow" wears heavy on the shoulders of a realtor. But this is only part of the picture. Working in real estate can be hard but also full of satisfaction and joy. And I think I can speak for many Realtors when saying that all we really need is a tiny sprinkle of joy to keep going. We don't need every deal to work out and we don't need every client to love us, but we do need sprinkles. Without the moments of LOVE and JOY it's just like any other job. It's the gas to this machine. So I was just out on lawn talking to my friend Anne who is an amazing listener and I were breaking it down. I come inside to see the Happiness Project email and had to laugh. Because REALLY I have NOTHING to be unhappy about. Then, just as I started to blog, up pops an email from a realtor "you fully executed contract". YAY - a deal!!! An accepted deal. 2 things - first the Happiness Project email and then the "fully executed contract" (the sprinkle of joy i so desperately needed) and I sprung up with a spring in my step, popped open a cold fizzy diet coke and felt a million times better. THANK you Real Estate God for sprinkling me today. I needed it and I will use it to move forward in a positive thankful way - I promise!

The rise and fall of the Nicoll Children

2010-07-20T11:04:00.000-07:00

It's been a while and I could seriously write about a million things like how the current state of Real Estate has sucked all joy out of being a Realtor. Or how we Nicolls have lived a great summer full of adventures big and small. I could discuss how it's impossible to loose weight in summer or how it's also impossible to find silence during summer. But I think I will take some time to write about how funny it is to watch each of my children fall in and out of my good graces and the others flock to be in that #1 position. Lily loves to see Maeve in the hot seat and I think both of the girls have found a lot of joy seeing Peter fall from adorable can-do-no-wrong little boy to the sometimes naughty and increasing willful 4 year old. And I guess it's a rhetorical question to ask why all 3 can't be sweet and considerate and helpful and amiable all at the same time. For centuries, I am sure all mothers have watched the kids take turns as the "easy" ones or as the very very trying ones! Summer can bring out the best and worst of everyone. The best of me - fun, adventurous, thankful. The worst of me - aggravated at the lack of ALONE moments, impatient, tired and maybe even sometimes....debbie downer. Mid summer is the biggest test. June is adrenaline. Lots is planned, fun is everywhere, celebrations are often and we are just so damn happy to not make lunches every morning. July starts off with a bang with parties and parades and we know we are about 1/2 way through w/ summer. Then 150 requests for play dates later, I started to feel the longing for some structure and silence. SCHOOL. I was almost ashamed to say it. I certainly don't wish summer away but I could use the break. Take note - MID TO LATE JULY PLAN GET AWAY WITH HUSBAND ALONE.
Nonetheless, I can't control the calender. So as I watch each child take their turns at most beloved to most aggravating, I breathe deep. It's only 7/20. We have about a month plus to go. They, too, need the structure and the constant contact with friends that school provides. So tomorrow morning, we are having a meeting to discuss choosing joy over NOT joy for 1 more month while we all live within these 4 walls. Choose joy. Choose quiet. Choose reading. Choose peace. In return, I shall provide one more month of the greatest summer of your life...maybe.

1985

2010-06-23T06:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was at the pool with the kids and I didn't coat the SPF on me like I should. I mean, the kids were covered but I really need some color. AND it was late in the day so low chance of sunburn. But as I lay there stricken with guilt, I was remembering a time when the whole POINT was to either tan or burn or whatever would change the WHITE skin a different summer shade.
Let's go back to say, the summer of 1985. I can remember that I would go out about 10:00 am to start this "tanning" process. If luck would have it, my friends and I would go to the beach or lay out together at least w/ maybe even foil under our legs (so trick of the trade to attract the MOST sun) but worse case scenario, I could just lay out my own yard. The good news was my skin cancer concerned mother was working now as a nurse she was mostly gone otherwise, she would be ALL over me for the great lengths I would go to be "tan". Once I had the body part correct - baby oil, foil, spray bottle of water, I would turn my attention to my hair. My next goal was to get my already blonde hair even blonder. I would use whatever I could - lemon juice or Sun-In. The only conflict I would have during this particuliar summer would be - do I continue to lay out from 12-1 or do I go in and watch All My Children. There were a few times I actually brought our kitchen TV out to the patio to be able to accomplish both the burn and the soap.
That night would be fabulous. I was tan (burned) and blonder than ever. The only thing that would make this night perfection was if we would see some boy we were liking AND if they would play Bananarama's "Cool Summer" followed by Tears for Fears "Everybody wants to rule the world..."
It's a cool (cool) cool summer.......
That was a really great summer!

Summer

2010-06-09T13:34:00.000-07:00

Well, it's here. Each summer I say,"I want to enjoy summer and not feel too scheduled". But then there are always hundreds of fun things to do making "chilling out" tough to do. But as with everything in life, I search for balance. It takes countless hours to get that summer schedule the way you really want it. I mean there's always swimming. I always like to go on a summer quick trip. There's Theater Camp. Can't miss Vacation Bible School. What about the 4th of July? And we should definitely go camping. But finally I have the summer calender just perfect.
Today is kind of our first day of summer. The kids do go back tomorrow but only for an hour to pick up report cards. But today we had very little planned. Peter had summer preschool in the morning but after that - free as birds.
Some of us woke up disgruntled. I am confident, if you know me at all, you are well aware of who that was. As I tried to shake the attitude and multiple displays of disrespect, a panic set in. HOLY SHIT - it's only 8:00. Oh no.....this is a horrible start to summer. And if I am honest, I will admit it took me hours to get over the BAD behavior of one of my children b/c when you set yourself up to believe something (a fun breezy peaceful summer day) and you get something else (a tense annoying crumby summer day) - it sucks.
But finally I did get over it. Just in time to counsel Maeve about what she could POSSIBLY do with her free time today. She was having a hard time b/c 2 of her friends she wanted to have over were not home. She was so depressed, she couldn't even eat lunch. So I finally come up with an idea she is quite happy with- she can go bike to a friends and then they can bike back here. HOORAY.
All the while, Peter is requesting another play date. He went to school. Then he played w/ our neighbors. The kid had a pretty darn good morning. Alas, not enough for Mr. Nicoll. Cry cry, moan moan.....life's not fair.
But I will say that at about 2:00, everyone was happy. I shook off the aggravation from earlier, both girls had peaceful friends over and Peter was happily bouncing between the groups. I took that opportunity to sit on my deck swing and enjoy the sun.
Ahhhhhhh. Summer!

Life in Mount Prospect

2010-05-28T09:42:00.001-07:00

At the risk of sounding overly sappy, I just had to write this blog about Mt. Prospect, my childrens' 3rd parent, and gush a little. So please raise your glasses, I would like to make a toast!

So many times throughout the years, I have cursed my home b/c I am shoving more things into a small 1949 closet or rearranging furniture AGAIN to make best use of the space. But it doesn't even take a full breath for me to say "shame on you!!". I tell people when I am showing houses this exact thing......yes a lot of people have 1 car garages and share an outdated small bathroom with 4 other people but what makes these bitter pills easier to swallow? WE get to live here!!! I know that we have problems with our houses that come with age - clogged sewer lines, archaic and even dangerous electrical systems, and the most common irritation - LIVING ON TOP OF EACH OTHER in our tiny rooms that form a home. But I cannot stress enough how all of those things are so worth it for me personally. So the price of a house doesn't just cover the physical space of that home and lot, it covers so much more. It covers those intangibles that in the end, are the most important parts of "home". It covers the obvious things like great schools and a beautiful resourceful library. It covers the train accessibility and proximity to Chicago. But I really think the thing that makes every dime worth spending is the PEOPLE.

I have always had great pride in where I am from. I thought the Ready Elementary Rockets were the best students in town. I thought the Griffith Panthers were the toughest teams to beat. I thought that being from the "region" made me stronger than most others. And I thought that Hanover College was a perfect place to graduate. It's not that I ever felt I was better than anyone else, I just have always been extremely proud of where I have come. I am proud Hoosier, Chicagoan and now Mt. Prospector. And I am also not suggesting that we are the only town that swells with unmistakable pride. I know there are hundreds of towns out there that feel the same way, I am just saying we are SO lucky that we have it here.

Recently I dealt with clients who aren't from here. They didn't really "get it". They aren't especially excited to be a part of this community b/c I think they think it's just a town. No big deal. Hopefully this changes for them or they will miss out on so much. So between these clients adverse reaction to community pride and our recent brush with fun and fame with Lee DeWyze, it made me really think about how lucky we all are. I mean, yes we all liked Lee b/c he was sweet and a great singer but more than that, I think we liked it b/c we did it TOGETHER. Would it be as much fun to watch the finale from home or to be with thousands of others? I chose the thousands of others and we all shared one thing that night and I think that's what made it so great. We did it together. I think the same holds true for everything around here. Again, Capanarri's is good ice cream but we have other good ice cream in town but we go to Caps b/c that's where we go to be with others. The "others" might not even be people we know, but it just feels better that we are there with our community.

It's a gift I feel so fortunate to be able to give the kids. Rob and I knew the first day we lived in our house that this town was different. We had lived somewhere else for 4 years and felt more "at home" in the first 24 hours in MP. The Jakes Pizza delivery guy actually said "welcome to Mt Prospect"....I couldn't believe that. How did he even know we just moved in??? Then the next day the UPS guy actually rang the bell and said "welcome to Mt. Prospect". WHAT???? What is this craziness? I started to think we were living in Pleasantville. Neighbors brought us banana bread and other trinkets. One neighbor made a list of everyones names of our whole block. We knew we made the greatest choice and it had nothing to do with the actual house.

The whole gig here is that we care about each other, we really do. And God forbid if tragedy hits your family, but if it does, there is no better town ready to support you and lift you up like Mt. Prospect. We have lost children and parents to cancer and illness and we cared for them and their families with just as much passion as we cheered for Lee DeWyze. Because if you live in MP, you are loved, no matter what.

So here's to MP - my kids' 3rd parent. It really does take a Village and we are blessed to have this one!

Living the dream...

2010-05-19T14:38:00.000-07:00

Last Tuesday while driving Peter to preschool, I had the big "lecture" to the kids about attitudes and not being appreciative of stuff like...their whole life. I KNOW we as parents aren't supposed to lecture b/c kids hear "blah blah blah" but it's my "go to" when I have nothin' else. So with the craziness of the Lee DeWyze stuff and end of the school year concerts, field trips and other festivities, my children are LIVING THE DREAM. I mean, they have had Capannari's ice cream 4 times in a week at various outings. All for very good reasons - Fairview Spirit Day, Lee DeWyze parade, school function, and then a school field trip. Add that to parades, play dates, bonfires, more playdates, and other random fun and what we have is TOO much of a good thing. So when the kids all had "attitude" w/ their unbelievably generous, loving and patient as a saint mother, mama had to have a little chat. I started local - explaining that I was SURE there were kids in their school that have never EVER had Capannari's. Then I broadened it a bit w/ that in CHICAGO there are kids who go to schools that don't do "special lunch" or field trips. And finally, I layed out that there are kids in our own country and beyond who are hungry and cold and lonely. There was silence in the car and I was so glad that my point was made. We MUST appreciate what we have or it means nothing.

The evening that followed "the lecture", we once again, went to Caps b/c that was our Fairview Spirit Day. They all had ice cream and ran around w/ friends for 30 minutes. Then we get home and both Peter and Lily start opening the pantry. Of course, I say "you just had ice cream, I am making dinner, close the pantry". Lily proceeded to roll, cry, moan and Peter pouted and carried on. WHAT??????? Are these kids totally insane? I think a total LOCKDOWN is needed!

Life is a party!

2010-05-12T07:44:00.000-07:00

2 blogs in one day!

Peter Nicoll has somehow learned that every day holds the potential for some fun. Or a treat. Or both fun and treats. Clearly, this comes from the top down. Kids don't know about Fannie Mae unless you bring them there and they don't expect play dates unless they often have them. So I have spoiled this young pup and man am I paying the price!! Here is a list of questions I get every single day from Peter Nicoll.

What I got today?

Are we going to Fannie Mae?

Can we get some Capannaris?

What about Oberweiss?

Can i go to Zachary's?

Or Matt and Cadens?

Can Seth come and play?

Can I go to the Play Place?

Can we make cake?

I hear the ice cream truck?

Can we go to the office for a lollipop?

And when he knows I can no longer take these ongoing requests, he changes all the questions into the following ever so SLY format.

I don't know when I will get ice cream again?

I bet I hear Zachary outside?

I don't understand why we can't go to the library?

I don't know why Ava's not over at our house?

A few updates...

2010-05-12T06:28:00.000-07:00

Well, i had my "sit down" and it was successful. I feel like am way more informed about our finances. With all the questions I had regarding life insurance and mutual funds, Rob was a bit paranoid that I might take him out in the middle of the night. It's good to keep people on their toes....I also learned how to do Itunes. I am really growing up!

TEN. Well, I have vivid memories of arguing w/ my mom and knowing I had the will and strength to go the distance so it shouldn't surprise me that my 10 year old has the same might. I am 42 now. I am tired. I no longer have the power to engage in such nonsense. So I must dig deep and ignore right? Because here's how it's shaking out over at my house lately.

Scenario 1
"Maeve, you are chewing gum every day. That's horrible for your teeth. Gum is a treat and you should only chew it occasionally".

Maeve, "I don't chew gum every day".

Me, "yes, you do".

Maeve, "No I don't."

Scenario 2
"Maeve, Grace needs to stop calling here every 15 minutes".

"She doesn't call every 15 minutes", she protests.

Me, "I have the caller ID to prove it. Stop arguing w/ everything I say."

Maeve, "She doesn't call every 15 minutes.".

OH MY GOD, YES SHE DOES!!!!!! Can you hear the screaming in my head???!!!

Scenario 3
"Can I ask a friend to come over to watch Idol".

"No"

"Why"

"Because, we jsut don't need to have friends w/ us all of the time".

"Why?"

BECAUSE I SAID NO!!!!!!!!

Scenario 4
"Maeve, you have been arguing with me non stop. If I say the sky is gray, you say "no, it's blue" and it's really aggrevating me so stop">

Maeve, "I don't argue with you every day".

YES YOU DO!!!!!!

What do I do?

2010-05-01T07:38:00.000-07:00

Last night I told Rob that I thought we should have a "sit down" so that I could learn a few things. Like how to download pictures from the camera to the computer. And how to connect the video camera to the TV. Also maybe I should have on paper exactly what we have for life insurance and mutual funds. I mean, if something happens to Rob, I want to know what's happening. Because to be honest, I really don't a have a clue. I must admit, I have NO memory of what we have done to cars - if or when got new tires or brakes or when any maintenance is due. So I started thinking that we truly have divided responsibilities but when I REALLY started thinking about it, what the hell do I do???
Rob
technology
finances (and the bills)
cars
house PROBLEMS
dog poop
garbage
snow/lawn

ME
Meals
Coordination of extra curriculurs
House cleaning
Laundry
Purging of crap in the house
Social calender
Flowers
Vacations
Church

YIKES - I am having a hard time thinking about what I really do. I do bring the garbage cans back up or I have the kids do it. I do most of the grocery shopping although Rob does this too. YIKES. I am feeling a bit spoiled. Hold on - there's got to be some big stuff I do.....Okay, I do all DRS appts but Rob does do the dentist as I am a dental phobe. Okay, I also volunteer throughout town with random activities and Rob's only volunteer job is serving beer tent for Oktoberfest.
So anyway, I guess I have drawn the conclusion that I lean on Rob way too much. I should be able to download pictures dammit and I should probably stop asking him to remind me if we have life insurance or not. I think he's told me the answer to that several times but somehow, I just can't keep it straight with all of the social planning I am responsible for!

Peter

2010-04-29T14:44:00.001-07:00

Today after preschool.

"What was for snack today?" I ask Peter.

"Grapes. I didn't eat them b/c I don't like grapes".

"You don't? I thought you did. What kinds of fruit DO you like?".

"Cookies".

"No, I said what kind of fruit".

"Chocalate chip cookies".

"Peter, I know you like cookies but is there a fruit you like - bananas, watermelon?".

"Crackers".

Call out!

2010-04-28T05:20:00.000-07:00

I can honestly say that TODAY I am a positive person. I try to think positively. But this doesn't,by any stretch, come to me naturally. Maybe NOW it does but it took years of work. I am sure my mom would agree that as a kid, I may have been delightful in some ways but I was a serious "complainer". And then there have been a few specific moments in my life, when someone caught me in big boo hoo debbie downer moment and "let me have it". The 2 that I am thinking of both came in college when I was probably at my deepest of Debbie Downer days. When I think back, I think at that point, it was habitual and I wasn't even thinking about it. But my angle was always a bit edgy - don't mess with me, glass 1/2 full, the world is out to get me, bad luck jules. But these 2 moments which I can barely describe b/c they are so embarrassing, I was totally called out on bringing those around me down. The first one happened as a Freshman - I was taken WAY off guard. Again, I think some of this was habit and some was part of my "shtick" - part of my humor or my persona. But I stood there, so embarrassed that someone actually told me to basically shut it. But I LEARNED so so much for that singular moment. I really did. I made a big turnaround b/c I don't think I realized how much that was effecting how people viewed me. The next moment came when I was a senior and again, I was taken off guard and basically called out for being "negative". I remember feeling irritated - b/c who wouldn't be "negative" when they traffic was bad or so and so was on your nerves or that your basic impatience with the world has just boiled over???? But then I FELT it. I had been FEELING that negative vibe and it was now bringing ME down too. So why was I facing the world with the irritable, sighing, "put out" M.O.? To be honest, I don't know...I really don't. But I do know that those 2 "call outs" helped me a lot. Do I still fall into habits of Debbie Downer? I do, but they are quick to be turned around. This weekend, one Rob Nicoll had to call me out on one. And he was right. It wasn't fun hearing that I was bringing the whole family down with my general aggravation and fussing and fuming. But I KNEW he was right - b/c once again, I FELT it. The remark stung like a bee, but was warranted. I went to Church that morning and felt sad and dumpy but then I thought to myself, "learn from this". I HATE negativity in others - which is probably based in my personal experience. And I really value being the best person I can be. If I can be better, I am going to try. So after church, I told Rob that he was right and I have been MUCH more aware of any eye rolling, sighing, fussing and criticism that come from ME. Sometimes we all just need a little "call out".!
And then guess what I realized when I first wrote this.....I have passed this trait down to someone I know!!! Oh my, it's true. There is a certain person in this house who wakes up many mornings already mad at the world. Once again, I must take credit for this one. Damn.

Random, but important, thoughts...

2010-04-19T19:12:00.000-07:00

I have never seriously thought about plastic surgery. Of course, I have thought about getting a better nose or chin but what a big waste of money, right? Well, this was all until this week when I went to Carsons JUST TO BUY Clinique eyebrow pencil. But as I walked through the clothes, I did realize how much I needed summer shirts. So I grabbed a few and tried them on. Now I am saying this as a totally honest person - there is nothing worse than seeing yourself in a mirror with multiple angles. You see your hair w/ dark roots and cowlicks running wild. You see a hunched back. You see fat hips - I mean, honestly I never look at hips. You see bad granny underwear that seemed just fine when you put them on. I tend to just look straight ahead but this day, I got to see it all. It was then that I realized that I must get my chin fixed. It's crazy - not just double but bulbous. GGEEESH. All the way home (and no, I didn't buy anything) I kept wondering how much it would cost? Now, I am a reasonable Midwestern girl so we all know this is just a pipe dream. The chin I've got it the chin I will always have. But for a few minutes, I really considered going under the knife. But for what? Really, I mean for what? So who cares. What's the worst thing that could happen? The very worst thing that could ever happen is that someone else, besides me, thinks I have a bulbous chin. Okay - well, that's fine - I DO!
I am moving on....
Shows everyone should be watching - The Middle and Parenthood.
Things I have learned in real estate this week - Listen to your gut - it's always right. And if you speak to a Realtor or client, write it down so you don't call them back again with the same exact information because you can't remember one hour from the next.
Things the kids taught me this week - that it's totally unfair for them to ever put their own clothes away. It's stupid that we have to eat healthy all of the time and that this is the worst place to live.

Controlling or Controlled?

2010-04-04T16:22:00.001-07:00

I was thinking the other day about the kids going somewhere without me and I didn't like it at all. I can't even remember what is was now. But my memory of how I felt is vivid - I didn't like it. Then I said to Rob, "do you think I am a control freak?". He said ....."Uh, yea, kind of". To be honest, I have NEVER thought of myself as controlling. But then I realized that I am NOT a control freak, I just like things controlled. Meaning, I am no willy nilly girl. I like things "under control". I like order, peace, calm, and structure. I don't like things out of my ear shot or vision. I don't like chaos or "too much " of anything. Too much noise. Too many kids. Too many steps to figure out. I like rules and order and simplicity. But all of this realization made me beg the question - WHY? What is going to happen if there are too many toys out? Or too many kids over? What horrible thing is going to happen if it's loud w/ joyful noise? Who knows? I can't really answer that. I can't even think about it b/c it stresses me out. But I can safely say that most of the time when it's too loud, my next thought is "this is too wild, someone is going to crack a skull". Often times I will think, "hey, let's have so and so over" and then my next thought - too many kids. My 3 plus their 2 and Harper too...that's just too many kids. But WHY is that too many kids? What is wrong with me that a house full of joyful children brings me stress. My dear friend Sheila has brought me back to the home she grew up in Iowa many times. Her parents never minded - the more the merrier. People were in and out all of the time. I loved it. I loved being IN it. But the thought of ME being at the helm of the "in and out" is another thing. I want kids up or down. In or out. I just WISH I could be so relaxed - so "go with it". I grew up in a really structured house. My Dad came home at the same time every day - 5:00, except for Thursday when he had the "down day blues" and came home about an hour later. He walked in the door and we all sat down to eat. We cleaned the kitchen every night by taking turns and did chores every Saturday. We didn't have friends over for dinner and I can definitely say that no one wanted to hear my music (a whole lot of Michael Jackson) too loud in the house. I just don't ever remember "chaos". We were either together conversing or doing our own things in our rooms but we knew what to expect each and every day. It wasn't boring - we had a great time - it was just calm and peaceful. Maybe my mom would remember it differently. So I guess I am who I am. I am the oldest - in charge, fairly organized, full of ideas and solutions. If only I could keep all of those traits and add in a few doses of willy nilly. I will try this summer to be more chilled. And to embrace the unstructured chaotic and often loud days that kids at home all day can bring....
Good thing I can drink mid day in the summer!

Church

2010-03-14T11:14:00.000-07:00

I wonder what has kept me from church for so long. Besides laziness and the need for DOWN time, I think it's been my reluctance to believe all that is, what I thought, required of someone to be a participant in church. But something just keeps calling me back over and over to get this church thing going. I am sure some of it is that I was raised in church. My mom worked at our church and it was a very big influence in my life. We were there a lot. When I was in 8th grade, my mom quit her job and we had to start going to a new church. I think starting something new when you are 13 and 14 years old, is not the easiest thing to do. I was painfully self conscience and that ruled my emotions while I was there. I did, however, join the 9th graders in becoming "members" of the church and I did sing in the choir. But I could never shake the "I don't belong here" feeling. But that experience helped me SO much b/c 4 years later, I would have those same emotions when I started college. And somehow, I got to a "I DO belong here" place.

So I have definitely not wanted my kids to miss the experience of "church". I know they are not missing the "God" experience b/c I have always had that as part of our life but I have failed to make church a part of our life. And it's up to me b/c Rob Nicoll is not going to sit us all down and say "okay Nicolls, we need to commit to church". He will go if I tell him to go but he's not going to spear-head the effort. He was not raised in church so he's never been sold the value. So I know that it's definitely up to me and when Sunday morning comes, I want NOTHING up to me let alone getting 5 people dressed (again!) and ready for church. BUT - saying that, I have really enjoyed the last 2 months of singing in church. I have not just loved the singing but also the whole thing - the process, the prayers, the minister, the feeling of "I just did a good thing". So soon all Nicolls will be attending church. And I am guessing there will be a few in my clan who might have the "I don't belong here" feelings but this won't be the last time in life that those feelings will come a knocking! So maybe this experience will serve everyone well! I hope so!!

Just a little more time...

2010-03-11T10:09:00.000-08:00

I wish that I could just freeze time. I don't really need my kids to grow another inch or be a little older, at least for a while. When I was little I used to wonder if there was a way puppies and kittens could STAY babies. And I am sure I thought the same thing every time my kids were babies..."if only they could stay this little". But then I would miss out on all the funny things they would say or the interesting ways they became them. And now I can barely remember Maeve's voice at 4 or the funny things Lily would say when she learned how to talk - she has the best voice. I can't even begin to comprehend that Lily was Peter's age when I was pregnant with him. He is SUCH a baby and she seemed so big. But was she? It's just all going way too fast. I don't want them to stay their ages forever, but I would LOVE time to just freeze for a while. Just give me a little more time with 3, 8 and 10. In fact, I just lost 9. 9 vanished away so quickly that some day people will ask me, "what was Maeve like at 9?" and I bet I won't remember. I try to take good notes and video them talking but still it's not enough. Soon, I will have to say good-bye to 3. My baby will be 4. It's blowing by me so fast that I can't keep up. I can't keep up the memories. That's my greatest fear. What more will I forget? Who's going to remember all of this? Who will remember that Maeve was 9 she was patient as a saint with her siblings and when she had something important to tell you, she spoke so quietly you could barely hear her? And who will remember that when Lily get's really serious she barely moves her lips when she talks - it's so cute, I almost laugh b/c she is trying desperately to be serious. Really who can ever forget that Peter says "I'm getting out of here" when he's being disciplined or that he holds my cheeks for kisses and begs you to go to the bathroom with him but then upon entering, he asks for "privacy" - EVERY TIME! I am just so afraid I will forget. And more than forgetting, I guess I am just really sad that I will miss them. I will miss them at 3, 8 and 9. So I am just asking for a little more time. More time for pictures, video, long talks, special trips. More time for them to figure out how to be 8 before 9 is staring them in the face. More time for them to be free of life's worries. More time for me to get them to eat better and go to church.
Just a little more time....

It would be so much easier...

2010-03-09T16:43:00.001-08:00

It would be so much easier if people just "got it". It's so easy, it really is. I say "don't do that or you can do this". Simple, right? Wrong. Rebel, bitch, moan, complain, cry, rebel some more and what do you get? You get "well now you can't do this". And then the worst part comes from their shock. "WWHHAATT???? I can't do that? You are so mean?". No, I am not mean. I simply said "if you do that, you can't do this and you chose to do that, which means you can't do this." So simple. So ridiculously simple. Somehow, every other day, we butt up against total ridiculousness. I can barely even type about it b/c it's so beyond stupid. And STILL this person is her in room, crying and bawling at the great injustices of life. Really? I can barely listen. Why can't we just go like this..."hey, if you do that, you can't do this". "Oh, okay. I really really want to watch American Idol so I certainly won't scream at grown ups". Great! Perfect. Simple.

But the same goes for work. People often just don't "get it". Another agent that I work and I keep laughing about how sick we are of our own voices b/c we say the same stuff over and over that even we get sick of it.

So all of this got me thinking - is there something that I don't get? I can't think of anything but I am sure there is something I don't just "get". I guess this is what I don't get. I don't get ridiculousness.

Beat it kid!

2010-03-02T10:50:00.000-08:00

So today Peter flipped a lid b/c Lily unbuckled him (per my request) instead of me. So I am in front of St. Mark's coaxing him out of the car b/c I not only have to get him in, I have to get the girls over to Fairview and get me to my hair appt. asap (a girl has her priorities!). So I go the length of putting him back in the seat and re-buckling him and then unbuckling him again. That wasn't good enough. Cry, cry, cry - refusal to leave car. I say "what about snack? What about show-n-tell? Nora, cookies, playing??? What about me getting the girls to Fairview on time? What about the play doh, the loft and the block room?". After I used every possible motivation to move it, I pulled him out myself. The kid flipped out. Then he refused to take his coat off. So I explain to the teachers what has upset him so much - that lily unbuckled him instead of me. I mean, this is totally rational and of course, completely normal. We all laugh and one of the teachers had to PULL HIM OFF OF ME. Usually, I am so sympathetic to any pain he might have and as you may recall, the last time he did this when I forgot his backpack, even I got a little teary. NOT TODAY. This was beyond ridiculous. So i just walked out and wished the teachers good luck.
So, on to Fairview. I pull up and say "you guys will be excited - I made ham and cheese today instead of PBJ's". Maeve said "did you put mayo on it?". I proudly say "yep". She runs off in joy. Then lily asked the same thing and again, with such pride that I remembered that lily does NOT like mayo, I say "nope". She said "WHAT???? I LOVE MAYO". You do? Does she? I have no idea who likes what in this family. So I say"don't worry, you will still like it". She replies w/ "no I won't". So I say "I guess you won't". I closed the door and mumbled "beat it kid" to myself. I mean, seriously, I have a hair appointment.

C or a D

2010-02-15T06:04:00.000-08:00

I spent some time shopping for a dress to wear to my brother's wedding. The experience was horrific. Clearly, all dresses run small as nothing fit me that should have fit me. The last time there was a clear disconnect between my body and clothing was when I was shopping for something to wear to Rob's 20th class reunion. NOTHING fit that was "supposed" to be my size. I remember if very clearly - I left Woodfield so flipped out that I stopped and got a milk shake to ease the pain that I was no longer wearing a 10. Then when I got home, I did some thinking.....when the hell was I supposed to have my period? Well to make a long story short, I did a pregnancy test and yes indeed, I was pregnant. With Peter. It does go down as one of my most shocking moments of my life but what a great way to come to terms w/ the fact that I wasn't wearing a 10 any more - OH, I am pregnant. Of course....that makes total sense. Phew! This time I've got nothing. I am not pregnant. I am not sick. I don't have a thyroid problem (believe me I have tried and tried to get THAT to be the reason). I don't have mono or chronic fatigue syndrome. All I have it my big ole' self to blame. And that sucks. How many blogs will i Have to write on this subject until I start making a change?
Anyway - moving on. My mom and I decided to go to Nordstroms to get fitted for a bra. You know, they are famous for being able to really get your right size. So we belly up and say "we are ready for new undergarments". Well, I am not even going to go into the fact that we had the craziest humans alive helping us. But what I will share is that she said I am at least a C if not a D. Now, you know me. Flat, fried eggs, pancakes.....I've got nothing. So to say that I am a C or a D, well you can imagine how fast we wanted to run b/c clearly - this lady is crazy. We tried on several bras and it was a painful experience. If you at all want to get a well fitting bra, don't ask for Gayle at Nordstroms.

Life and death

2010-02-12T16:49:00.000-08:00

This week a mom in my community passed away from breast cancer. I did know her. She used to be in my babysitting co op. She was diagnosed 3 years ago I think and was cancer free for a period of time. I think for most, the fact that she was sick again, was news. So her passing was for many, a complete shock. It's been too much. My small circle of life knows too many people who have died of cancer. I am only 41 years old and have attended 4 funerals for people who are my age, who have died of cancer. It's too much. Is it more than we were kids? It seems more. It seems like everyone knows someone their own age who has died from cancer. The tragic side to "our age" is that our children are young. Tomorrow, 2 boys who are the exact same ages as Maeve and Lily will attend their own mother's funeral.
Four and a half years ago, I attended a funeral of a mom at our preschool. Devestating. 3 children - just like me. The sadness was unforgettable and even though it was 4 years ago, I can still remember exactly how I felt - which was pure pain for her husband and children. About a year later, I saw this mom's mother at the library with her grandson. I asked how she was and she said "it gets harder instead of easier". I bet it does. I felt so ashamed that I just marched on with my life that Fall...instead of remembering EVERY day to appreciate and love each day. There were days I forgot about it completely. And then here I am with her mother, who never gets to forget. I was so mad at myself for not holding on to that pain long enough to use it - to use it to be better and more loving and more humbled and more thankful.
But we all do get back to living. We drive kids around and bitch about science fair projects and think we are too tired to make dinner. We go on living. But then you get the news again. Someone has died. Shock. And we make that oath to ourselves again - "I will appreciate each day...I will not complain about my body or having a sore back....I will not yell as much....I will make my husband a priority....I will be better". Because we feel so lucky. Could have been me. So I think the only to remember, to honestly remember, is to print the pictures of those we have lost. Put the pictures somewhere you look every day. Look into their eyes and remember. Remember them, their family, the way you felt when you got the news, and all of those promises you made to be better. Because we are lucky and this is our opportunity to share more love for our lives. Some of us need gentle reminders and some of us need a brick to the head....

Nitrous - You should really try it.

2010-02-10T18:01:00.000-08:00

Today was my final dentist appointment. In 8 months, I had about 7 cavities filled, a retreatment of a root canal, and fitting for my TMJ night guard. It wasn't cheap but it was all worth it. I faced a major fear of mine - the dentist - all with the help of a little Nitrous Oxide. The best way I can describe Nitrous is to think about how you feel when you have had a few drinks at the best party on the best night of the year. However, now - I have never smoked pot,but I have gleaned throughout the years, that it makes you a tad paranoid. THAT also happens w/ nitrous. So my mind is full of great thoughts but I don't say any of them b/c I am so paranoid of what Dr. Kakos will think. In fact, today I thought "I bet Dr. Kakos thinks I am flirting with him". Now the fact that I am laying back in the dental chair, having dental work done and not speaking at all SHOULD be enough to convince me that he does not perceive any of that as "flirting". But I was so convinced that even when he would ask me how I was doing, I barely would respond. Looking back, it's crazy. But in the moment, it's really real. I think Dr. Kakos and his assistants know everything I am thinking. During my last appointment, Dr. Kakos' accountant stopped in. They had this casual conversation while Dr. Kakos was working on me. I thought this was the funniest thing ever...I must be in a sitcom right now - a Greek DR and a Jewish Accountant - doesn't get any better than this. Later that night, I tried to tell rob about this "hilarious" conversation between Dr. Kakos and hi Jewish accountant. Well - it wasn't hilarious at all. It wasn't even a story. Basically the accountant just stopped and said "hi". Soon I realized I had nothin'. But that is what Nitrous will do to you - everything is a riot. I am pretty sure though, that Dr. Kakos could go home and tell his wife some pretty "hilarious" true stories about his patients thinking that "hi" is the funniest they had ever heard.

Sitting with it...

2010-02-08T17:48:00.000-08:00

I honestly do look at most situations in life with "what did we learn". Right now, I am dealing with some challenging work situations. This current situation is making me learn...forcing me to learn something. One thing I am learning is that although I don't back down from conflict, I want it resolved. You can say what you want to say, and I will say what I want to say, but then I want it resolved. So I am learning to "sit with unresolved conflict". VERY tough for me. I am a resolver. But, there is always something to learn in life and I am learning to "sit with it". Makes me super uncomfortable. Will I back down in my beliefs for resolution? Nope. So when a girl won't back down, she better learn to deal with the world NOT being resolved. Unresolved. I am going to blame my astrological sign, the Taurus, entirely for this character trait. We are clear people. We are passionate and opinionated. But we are real resolvers. The whole "bull" thing is bull. We aren't stubborn at all. I know a lot of Taurus (is that Taurai?) and I would say most of us apologize before our significant others ever do. So my point is that we are strong - but clear. Passionate but problem solvers. So to SIT w/ conflict just doesn't work for me. But I don't rule the world so I must learn to adjust. My adjustment this week is clearly one thing - letting the elephant be in the room....whether I am comfy with that or not.

Church

2010-02-08T06:19:00.000-08:00

Well, I joined the choir of the First Pres Church of Arlington Heights. I really joined the choir just to sing....but the added benefit is "church". And to be honest, I wasn't really considering that. But for years, I have thought about going back to church. And of course, exposing my kids to the church experience. But year after year, time goes on and it never happened. But for me growing up, church was a HUGE part of my life. My mom worked at our church so I spent a lot of time there. So I feel guilty that the kids haven't had that same opportunity. Maybe now is the time. Even though Rob didn't grow up going to church at all, he said he is willing to "come along". So we will see - again, this one's all on me.
But I did learn something this week at church. For one, I realized that you don't need to "buy it all". I guess I was always hesitant b/c I thought "well, I am not sure I totally believe all of that". But I sat there on Sunday and realized you don't really need to accept it ALL but just the parts that connect with you. If you believe in a higher power and you believe in creating love and peace - that might be just enough. When you sit with the choir, you look at the congregation and as I looked at all of the faces, I thought about why they were all there. I bet some people just go out of habit. Some might go b/c they are struggling in life. Some go to be inspired. Some go out of guilt. But whatever the reason, they all NEED to go. They feel a NEED to be there. My "need" is to sing, find a little peace and to pass down the experience to my kids.

Day to day

2010-02-03T04:34:00.000-08:00

I think I have made it abundantly clear that sometimes parenting is really really hard for me. I find the challenges of discipline really difficult and I spend a lot of time in the "holy shit, how's this going to be when you are 15". My mother was a great disciplinarian b/c, in my memory, she was steady eddy. I don't remember seeing a lot of emotion from her during times of discipline. And here's a crazy thought - I actually just did what she said, most of the time. So this whole NOT listening to what I have to say is tough. Especially when I was 8.

In the darkest moments of parenting for me, I don't want to do it. I think I can't. Those darkest moments come when I am functioning at the top of my game and we still have shit going down. I know that I can do NO better than I currently am, AND I know that I STILL have to do it. No matter if I take a bath, take a drive, go to bed early - in the end, I have to "parent" again, whether I am great at it or not.

Let's just cut to the chase - I have a child who can both light up my life and make me want to move into a hotel for week, all in the span of about 3 minutes all day long. So, I manage her. I predict. I reward and entice. I make sure clothes are clean that she likes, that she has play dates each week and that she has opportunity to move the body. I structure our days with very little room for error. I try to ignore and I try to address. I try to understand and I try to be clear. THIS management is too much - it wears a gal down. So when, after the best management, she still blows gaskets and disrupts the whole crew, I am left with feelings of wanting to move into a hotel.

So last night, I really did hit the wall with it. It's day to day. Really the behavior is steady, it's just HOW much of it can I take. Last night - not much. So I just isolated in the bath, with a Miller Lite. I felt like staying in there forever. What if I slept in there? Rob might think I have really gone off the deep end. Maybe he would offer to rub my back or better yet - fix the kids!

But soon I heard a knock on the door. I said come in. It was Lil. I am thinking she wants to apologize (which is an insane thougth b/c I don't think she has EVER said she was sorry, a genetic trait clearly passed down from her father), She says "I didn't like the meat at dinner, but Daddy said to eat more, so I did". I say "good". But what I really want to say is, "I don't give a shit". I really d0n't. I want to just say I DON'T CARE - I don't care who eats, who bathes or who does homework. My management skill are depleted and I am done.

But of course, I don't say that. And eventually I get out of the bath. I pout around for awhile but, what the hell, life goes on right? So I am printing Science Fair forms, researching science fair projects. Annoyed? Yes. But somewhat relieved that we all 5 just keep functioning despite the whirling durbish amongst us? I never thought I would quote Charlie Sheen - but I can agree whole heartedly when he said he is turned on by "relief".

phones and schaumburg

2010-02-01T18:20:00.000-08:00

It is not unlike me to live in a little denial when I know something has gone wrong - I mean wrong enough that it will require either money or time or worse, both. So on Wednesday when the screen of my phone was blank (and I need it to USE the phone), I just hoped that that was a fluke. That would never happen again. But when it happened on Thursday, I finally realized I needed to make a call.
First to Costco - that's where I got the phone. They said call AT&T.
On Friday, I called AT&T. They asked the most obvious question. "Did you drop the phone or did it get wet?" WHAT? Of course not. Who drops their phone while also trying to open the doors to the car? Who leaves their phone near the sink while doing dishes? Not me. That's crazy talk. So they tried to talk me through some blukety bluck but I understood nothing so they said "go to the ATT store on AH Road in AH". OK!
Could I do this over the weekend? No way. But I knew I had time on Monday. A small window of 10-11. So, I drive to the ATT Store today right at 10. They said "well, we don't fix phones here, you will have to go to Schaumburg". SCHAUMBURG???????? I have a small window of time! They never mentioned Schaumburg!! WHAT???? Now if you don't live around here - or even if you do, let me describe my thoughts on Schaumburg. It's the Castelton of Indy, the Kenmore of Cincinnati. It's the Merrillville to the Region. It's a big square of shops and cars and malls and shops and I feel like to go to Schaumburg and get out of there, I need at least 2 hours. Saying that, it's seriously about 10 mintues away. But I am a small town gal and really only operate within the same 4 square miles every day. Nonetheless, I went for it. I made it over to the Schaumburg shop in about 11 mintues. Victory.
I was nervous to go into this " service station" b/c years ago, I had to go to the US Cellular's "service station" and it was the underbelly of all cellular phone users. It was worse than the DMV. But today was lovely - fresh and happy and I was the only customer.
So I have a new phone, was out of there in less than 30 mintues and signed us up for U-Verse. I haven't told that part to Rob yet but I was so overjoyed that my trip to Schaumburg went well and that the people gave me a new phone, I would have bought a car if they were selling one!

Message - Schaumburg isn't really that far and it's not really that overwhelming and I REALLY need to get out more!

What a week!

2010-01-31T12:13:00.000-08:00

Oh my gosh - I have so much to write. What a week! I worked a lot and the kids had a lot and we have colds - but let's start at the beginning...

Last weekend we were in Wisconsin. Peter LOVES going - loves being with Oliver and Elliot. He kicked and cried and really let me have it when we left. "Why do always makes us leave when we are in Wensconsin?". "You are a rude woman making me leave Wendsonsin". Nonetheless - we had to go. Of course, getting a way was great but I had work on the mind (as always lately!). So we come home, I go out to work and luckily, my clients found a home and we made an offer late on Sunday night. I was finally home and done at 8:30 at night.

Monday the girls were off school. We decided to to The Museum of Science and Industry as it was a free day. It was prefect - not too crowded. Pete's favorite thing - a Little Tykes pirate ship that really could be found basically at any park. But I thought the girls loved everything - just like me. Especially the big engines and airplanes. But later Lily told me she didn't like it. This comes as no surprise - her take on life always leans to the negative.

Tuesday - work, showings, shopping for orchestra outfits.

Wednesday - Maeve's first orchestra concert. These moments are what make the chaos calm. The rush of dinner, getting dressed, being sure we are all prepared. AND having to get to Fairivew 3 hours early just to get a decent seat...But alas, the concert starts and it's no surprise that I am brought to tears. My nearly 10 year old daughter, tall and beautiful and bright, plucking away at her Viola. And I felt pride for ALL of the kids. What a great school and what a great life.

Thursday - more work, meetings, and then my first choir practice. TRUE. I have missed singing in a choir for far too long. So I got a tip that the director at First Pres in AH was really good. I called and said "sign me up". So I was nervous and I will say, I had no idea what to expect. AND I felt guilty taking even MORE time away from home. BUT, this is a creative outlet for me and as music is one of my passions, I felt it worth the sacrifice. It was go great...yes I am super young compared to most other members. But I will say this...I can't believe the welcome. They were beyond welcoming and sweet and even one member took me under her wing and made sure I was taken care of. I came home happy as a clam and ready to tell the world about my new adventure in life - Rob was practically sleeping and sick. So instead, I ate 1/2 a bag of chex mix and watched Friends.

Friday - started out great...but then, I started running late - really late. I was taking pictures of a new listing and then my phone was missing and in the end, I walked in 20 minutes passed the time I have my sitter for on Fridays. AND walked into a house with another child - his friend Alex. Because I WAS SUPPOSED TO BABYSIT AT 1:00. Bam Bam - felt like I was going down. And although my sitter and my friend "have my back", it's impossible for me NOT to feel like a jack ass. And all I could think was "I can't keep up this pace".
Friday night Lily had soccer and she tried really really hard and I was proud of her.

Saturday - worked practically all day. GUILT - rob is sick at home w/ the kids again. GUILT - Peter is crying and doesn't want me to leave. GUILT GUILT GUILT.

Saturday night we did get to unwind w/ friends and Thai food -

Sunday - woke up to go SING. And I loved it. GUILT - leaving the family again. Now I am - AT WORK. When I get home I have to work with Maeve on a school project. I am already prepping myself for Peter and Lily wanting my attention too.

So in the end - my diet consisted of crackers, chex mix and cereal. Barely enough water to keep my poor kidneys functioning. Important people in my life either called or emailed and I couldn't respond. Peter missed more naps than ever in his wee life. And I made countless commitments to exercise every day that never developed into reality...and to be honest, I knew they never would. I was late, tired and illiquiped emotionally much of the time. BUT - we survived. My kids aren't seriously ill. We both still have jobs. I wake up each knowing that I have all I need - a home, a family that loves me, great friends, hope, and enough money to go to Caribou.

And I also wanted to say that every time I blog and I say "I"......I really mean all of us. Because I am no different than any other mother running around trying to make the best of her life and the best of her family's lives. I am not alone in the chaos or the stress. I am not alone in the tears or moments of pure joy. And I know for sure, that I wasn't alone in shopping for orchestra clothes the day before the concert.
I write this blog b/c all moms share one common denominator - trying really hard!

Questions

2010-01-18T14:34:00.000-08:00

Peter has so many questions I can't even hear them after a while. All I hear is me saying "i don't know". The thing is I DO know but I just don't have the energy to go into it. Here is a list of the usual questions....and mind you, he barely waits for me to answer before he's on to more questions.
What you eating?
What's in your mouth?
Why are there so many cars here?
What's in teh box?
Can I.......Can I......Can I....???
Where's Lily?
Why did you say that?
What did you say?

I DON'T KNOW.

The list goes on and on and it's not that I am too physically tired to answer, it's just that simply, I don't have it in me - I can't even digest his questions.

Anyway - all is good here. Kids good although Lily had a rough week last week. It's probably b/c I publicly announced that I feel like she's made it over the hurdle. So then almost immediately after I claimed peace in the house, she screamed and cried all week. But this weekend and today have been pretty good.
Maeve amazes me with an unbelievable ease of being. She is really super comfortable in her own skin. I asked her if she ever wanted certain clothes b/c her friends had them (example - word is that some girls are wanting the real Uggs b/c the friends have them). I have never noticed Maeve caring about any of that but I wanted to just check in with her. Anyway, she said, "no. I mean, sometimes I like a shirt a girl is wearing but I don't get jealous or anything". Really? I think she's more mature than me.
Peter is peter...sweet, a bit whiny, loving and funny. He starts every day with "what I got today?". It better be good too.
Real estate is kicking my ass a bit. Lots of time...lots of time. Lots of patience. Lots of time. I think that wraps it up.
Oh...and today I exercised for the first time in about a year. I can honestly say, I didn't enjoy it.

2010-01-13T14:56:00.000-08:00

WEll the other day I went to Meijr. I was on a mission. I had a list that ranged from salad to lamp shade to mittens back to clemintines. So I started out so strong. I brought Peter to a co op family and booked over to Meijr. I really only go to Meijr about twice a year. And I am starting to understnad why. So anyway - I started in electronics to get a cartrdige for my printer. They didn't have my kind. Then I got a rug, a lamp, some tights, mittens and then by the time I actually hit FOOD, I was beat. I was sweaty, anxious and overwelmed. But I just kept hearing my Dad's voice "I have never gotten anything bad at Meijr". I plugged along. But I got so freaked out by the amount of aisles and choices that I stopped even looking at my list. It was just an added step that I wanted to skip. I kept hearing words in my head "organic, flax seeds, berries, get out of here, oh looks - cardigans, aqaicia berries, iron, GET OUR OF HERE". By the time I checked out, I felt like I had been in that place for hours. The weather had actually changed while I was in that store. Nonetheless, I survived. But stores like Meijr aren't for a person like - a person who limited capacity for STUFF and for PEOPLE and for even more STUFF.
This week has been incredibly tough w/ time. I have worked a lot. A lot. But I must say I am proud of my managment skills thus far. I have everyone where they need to be. Lunches made. Clothes cleaned. House cleaned. Work stuff in tip top shape. Clients pleased. I had some issues however - like yesterday when I backed into a tree with clients in my car. I then proceded to get stuck in teh snow of this driveway. THEN I had to actually call my mechanic to send some guys to push us out. That's right. I have my mechanic on speed dial. Well, we all survived and I should be getting used to feeling like jack ass more often than not by now right?

I was just sitting here blogging when I called out to the kids that their afternoon shows are over and to get out the homework. As soon as they turned off their show, they literally have said the word "mommy?" 42 times. WHAT?????? I wish they could just say the issue without the "MOMMY????". Like "I don't undertand my math" is so much more tolerable than "Mommy?"......(pausing waiting for my response of "yes") And then the much awaited question of "I don't understnad my math". It's so much wasted energy - just state the issue and drop the MOMMY>?????

Being Censored

2010-01-07T15:06:00.001-08:00

I had a good conversation wtih my friend Sheila about writing and being censored. Meaning - it's difficult to truly write with brutal honesty when you know others are going to read it. Like this blog. I know that when I sit down to write I have to watch certain words so that I don't offend someone. And I can't go too far or say too much or complain too much. I am sure that if I remark negatively about something, I comment quickly thereafter in a positive tone - because who likes a big sour puss? I try really hard to "make it real" but of course, there are boundaries that one can't cross, especially with the written word.
So it begs a question. When are we truly uncensored? With our friends? With our husband?
I think for me, that answer might be, only in my own head. And even in my own head, I rearrange thoughts so that they are less negative or more balanced or healthier. But I am going to try to blog right now - unsensored. So be prepared....this is a bitch and moan blog.
Peter cried his eyes out today b/c I left his backpack in rob's car. I don't mean he kind of cried, he freaked out. The preschool teachers had to pull him away from me this morning. It made me cry. And when I got back into the car, the girls said "are you crying?". YES, I am crying. I am a human. With a heart. I know parents are supposed to cry in front of their kids but I do it almost daily. I took teh whole episode as penance for working yesterday (I used rob's car). I boo hood the whole ride home that "of course I fogot the backpack - who can remember everything? I can't even remember who, if anyone is babysitting for us, let alone if I have Peter's backapck. No one else has to remember Peter's back pack. Just me. Of course. Who made sure that I had MY bag today?".....Exactly.
And then a i boo hood for myself all day b/c I have to always worry about childcare and work. And work and childcare. And who is picking up and who is watchign and who is sick and who is not. I even scheduled 2 babysitter for the same time by accident one time a couple of weeks ago. I don't know what I am doing. And to be honest, i HATE thinking about it. And I am the worst with stress. If I am stressed, I am edgy and start to believe that I am THE ONLY PERSON GOING THROUGH THIS.
And then I boo hood even more b/c my dog has peed in the house and it stinks and I feel like I am the only person who cares. I am very sensitive to smells. Scents are my thing. I am all about the smell. I can't take another day of it.
THEN, I just called Sakura, the japaneese restaurant next door, to order a dinner b/c I have to babysit right after I leave work and of course, like always, I am starving. So I order the Chicken Terrikayki dinner. 10 minutes later I go to get my wallet. Guess what, I leftmy wallet in my other coat. So I called Sakura and apologized like crazy but it's no surprise, they are not happy. But we ARE their neighbors and I am starving...can't they show some mercy and say "pay us tomorrow". I just keep hoping that they come to the front door and offer me the meal. I would do that for someone if I worked at a restaurant and had alreayd made them the meal.
Boo Hoo right?
Well - tomorrow is another day and I work most of it. No one wants to hear a realtor complain about being busy...OOOPS>>>.a censored statement. Better sign off before I start pretending that it didn't bother me at all that my sweet husband had to leave work early to come home so I can come work at our office for free....

Been a long time...

2009-12-29T07:02:00.000-08:00

It's been a whole month since my last blog. I don't know if that speaks to my lack of time, energy or overall avoidance of anything that just didn't HAVE to happen. Blogging is a luxury I guess and this past month felt like a experience in focused, no-nonsense planning and execution.

But we survived the parties and the mad rush and the spending and the wrapping and the driving up and down interstates. I have lost hours of sleep and gained a few (or more than a few) lbs but again, I am standing. The Holidays are hectic for everyone but this year, I had the added stress of planning the Family New Year's Eve event for the Village and some real estate work stuff to attend to. So I really feel like I missed out on the spirit of the Christmas b/c I was just "surviving"...and that sucks. I am officially retiring from planning events...unless I am SUPER inspired b/c frankly, I am getting nothing out of it anymore.

So on to 2010. I think about the continuous struggle to live a full life but still a simple life. It's a life long journey for most people I think...I really do try to live and give my children a full life but struggle with how to do that without the burden of "too much"...too much stress, money, time, energy. I long for days of my youth, or at least how I remember my youth, when summers were long and full of nothing but bike rides and books. These days I want to make summer full of experiences that we miss during the school year but that I think are worth having. So how do you live a simple life yet make it diverse and interesting and full? Let me know if anyone figures it out. Here is a great example; I love long days at home with nothing planned but then i hear voices saying "go to the city. we never get to the city enough. the kids haven't even been to the planetarium...". Again, please let me know if anyone has a handle on this modern day mother's struggle.

At least I can say this...I have started out the new year with getting back to something that is just ME. My music. My music used to be SO important to me. I mean growing up, college and when I was single, I had a collection of really great diverse music that really comforted and inspired me. But of course, as I had the kids that just went away. Because who has time for sitting in front of their "jam box" and belting out song after song until you know every single word by heart. But this year, my parents gave me a CD player for the kitchen. So I just collected my music from the dark corner of a cabinet in the family room and set them up in the kitchen. I put an old Nanci Griffith in and I felt SO happy. I stood there and read the album cover from beginning to end as I sang along with her, proud that I could remember those harmonies. I felt sadness that I had let that go. And guilt that I left Nanci and Sade and The Cowboy Junkies in the dark for the last 10 years. But they are back. And I am really happy about that.

Being sentimental!

2009-11-29T05:48:00.000-08:00

And I know I am far more philosophical than most. But when I am amongst the world, i often look around and think about my place in it. And my place or relationships with people. It does help shape my vision for myself and how I want to live. This Thanksgiving has been no different. I have really learned more about myself this Thanksgiving than ever. For one, I miss my Grandma. I really miss our Thanksgivings at her house. Some of my most fond memories of any holiday are htose Thanksgivings. Something very special was alive during those years in Nashville. And as lucky as I am to have had them, I feel super sad I will never have them again. And I think it goes beyond that it was just that I was younger and so much less responsibilities. I think it was a gathering of like minds. A gathering of true family love. Love for each other and love for Grandma and love for Nashville. Sometimes it just hits you and this year it did.
So what do I miss about it? Everything. The drive into Nashville. The excitement I felt when I pass Aunt Julia's house and know I am almost there. The sounds of the gravel road under my car as I turn to my Grandparent's. The anticipation of who is already here...who's car will I see. The sound of her door opening and the smell of Grandma's house. The great hug she can give only around my waist b/c she is so little and hearing her say "little julie sanders". And then the hugs to follow from everyone who is there. Are my parents here yet? Is my brother here? Where is Jeananne? The second question after "how are you Grandma" I would ask for 20 years..."is Jeananne here yet?". Then the rest is just whip cream on top. The food. The laughter and many inside jokes that only us Roses would understand. The walks. The coffee. The shopping. Hearts. IU basketball. A game of pool. All of it.
Now, for a while, I felt so sad that I couldn't give this same experience to my kids. But I think they have it. They have it here. The same things but here. It's just not my Thanksgiving. It's theirs. I feel sad that mine is kind of over. That is growing up. Seeing yourself in the world but feeling a bit out of place. Much like the theme of one of my favorite books The Middle Place. I am really there. I am in the middle place for sure. Certainly not a kid anymore but from time to time, I really miss what I had when I was one!

Back together

2009-11-25T06:27:00.000-08:00

Last night Peter stayed in his room - for the most part. He actually did come down a couple of times but ran right back up there. Today he slept until 7:40. YAY. I am a new woman. I am back in love w/ Peter Nicoll. We had our usual snug fest of love and I didn't have feelings of "what the hell are you doing up??".
Went to a closing yesterday and had to bring all 3 children. Yes, I marched into a Title Company with 3 children. Who does this? I couldn't find a sitter so it had to happen. We had already been having a really shitty day and then that just topped it for me. BUT, when we walked in, the people who work there couldn't be nicer. They gave them their own conference room and crayons and papers. How sweet is that. So that really turned my day around.
Now, I have one more closing this year. So I had a pretty good year. But I did something for the sale that closed yesterday that I say time after time, I will never do again - but I did. And that is reduce commission. It's tough b/c we still have to pay PFR the full amount - as if we didn't reduce commission. SO what that boils down to is me receiving about 1.5%. Better than 0% yes, but it's never fun to see that check be so much less than it should. Now, in this case, I absolutely wouldn't have gotten the listing unless I reduced commission. And I wanted the listing. Sometimes I am happy to pass on the listing but this one I wanted. So all in all, I am glad I did it but it stings on pay day.
Today I am bound and determined to be production. I have been fairly negative these last couple of days but today, I am going to take care of business. First I am taking Peter to the Play Place as a reward for doing a good job last night going to bed. Then off to Borders and The Gap. I have to clean the basement. Really clean the basement. Make a plan for my cooking. TCB.

And lastly, thanks for reading my blog. You have no idea how thankful I am that I both have my blog and people read it. I love getting emails from people saying that liked the blog or could connect with the stories. When I was out my computer last week, it was tough. I really count on my blog as a place to GET IT OUT.

Alone time

2009-11-24T06:27:00.000-08:00

I learned a long time ago that I was less than a good parent if I started my day to awake children. Or started my day AWOKEN by children. I figured out that I MUST get up before them. I must. And for the most part, that has been pretty simple to do b/c my children are good sleepers. They go to bed when I say, they napped when I said and they generally have woken up around 7-8:00. Now there have been phases when this is not true. There was a time when Lily woke up at like 5:00 am....I don't remember how long that lasted but I think she was about 2 years old. There are also times when they have trouble sleeping so they come to me in the night, "I can't sleep".
But right now, my sweet son is making me a crazy person. I had a perfect thing going ever since school started. I woke up at 6 or 6:30, made my coffee, did emails or watched the news. I took a shower and in general, was totally ready for the day. But now this child is not only NOT staying in his bed at night which translates to him not sleeping until 10:00pm, he is waking up on MY TIME. I can't take it. As it's been made clear, I am truly in love with Peter. I adore his every move. But I can NOT tolerate anyone creeping in on my time. I know myself VERY well. I know that I function well when I protect my boundaries. The next thing I know, he's going to not nap and take my Oprah time from me. AHAHHHHHHHHH! Can you hear me screaming? PROTECT OPRAH AT ALL COSTS!!!
Today he was up before me. So I started the day w/ a big UGH feeling. Then he sang through the news, talked SO loudly to me, bumped my hot coffee several times, asked me a million questions. Then i took a shower. He came in and out of the bathroom allowing much cold air to come in. He dropped cars on hard floors making crashing noises. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS.
I am a person of peace. It's my ultimate goal every day in every situation. I need peace. I would LOVE quiet but at least, I need some level of peace. And I get a little peace each morning, again for an hour in the afternoon and then after the kids go to bed - so around 8:30. But after the kids go to bed, I am DONE so nothing can be accomplished. So I really really COUNT on my morning.
Anyway, Peter is at school and the girls are here. They aren't in school this week so that probably adds to my level of concern re. my "alone" time. But I will dig deep, drink more coffee and be fresh and alert for my 1:00 closing!

NO time

2009-11-23T19:21:00.000-08:00

Well I would LOVE to blog right now. I haven't had my computer in 5 days. I have a million thoughts that have been kept captive in my brain. Like, how I have had a renewed real estate spirit b/c of some perfect clients I have had this month. And how PROUD I am of my girls' report cards. And how irritated I am that PEter wakes up when I do at 6:30 leaving zero time to "wake up". But alas, I am super tired and must brush teeth and go to bed. I will blog tomorrow - with NEW energy. I love my computer - it's back. I'm back.

Unlucky but laughing...

2009-11-19T15:02:00.000-08:00

Well I have had a pretty unlucky shitty go of it these past couple of days. But to be honest - just laughed my ass off. Here's why!
I found a tape I made a LONG TIME AGO - I think before I even met Rob - a mix tape of all of my faves. So I haven't listed to this tape in a million years so I put it in here at the office. Then all of a sudden in the middle of a song, I hear sports radio. Then I hear MY voice. So I remembered that when I was BIG and pregnant with Lily, Rob took Maeve away for the day and I got Lily's nursery ready. So, I obviously had this tape in the CD player but was listening to sports radio and then decided to call in - to weigh in on some big important sports issue. So it's me calling asking "when is IU going to get some respect". SO FUNNY. Seriously, I am still laughing at how SERIOUS I am talking to Silvy - yes Mark Silverman who is still on ESPN 1000. But what is even funnier is that I was seconds from calling ESPN TODAY to weigh in on why Tubby Smith won't take the Bob Kostas interview. So not much as really changed. Well, my passion for my beloved Hoosiers has waned due to isolation (no Hoosiers in my land) and to be honest, horrible play. ANYWAY - what a crazy thing that was to hear my voice. Wipes out a bunch of crap. Plus it helps that I am at work drinking a Miller Light...great place to work.

So - the crown of my root canal just crumbled, we lost all of our data on our computer, Peter and his friend Nora damaged the bow to Maeve's viola, I am dealing w/ New Year's Eve Party controversy (and HEY - I am VOLUNTEERING for that people!)
So all in all - these things happen right. Still breathing. Still kickin'. Might be kickin' someone's ass soon but at least I am still kickin!

Day to day sistas

2009-11-18T18:19:00.000-08:00

Well, never a dull moment.
Today, right when i thought that taking "the pill" - Lo-estrin, had wiped out all signs of PMS, a raging headache came my way. But I guess that's not SO bad if all other symptoms are drastically diminished. And by symptoms I mean the over powering desire to rip someone's head off.
Then this evening, Peter crashed his sweet little noggin into the corner of a post in the basement and has a big goose egg. I handled it like I do most things that have to do with him. First I wanted to cry, then I got it together and helped him, then I cried. But in the end, I think he's fine.
Had quite a hiccup w/ the New Year's Eve Family Bash that I am planning - but after many calls/emails/consult, the crisis was diverted and I felt relieved. Exhausted but relieved.
And the gray skies coupled w/ the headache, I found myself eating a Peanut Butter and brown sugar sandwich. Now, that's not really NOT a carb. But I made up for it w/ my dandelion tea and veggie omelette for dinner.
And finally, I continue to have the worse anxiety dreams. Even though I am drinking a "Calm" magnesium drink AND taking a cortisol manager. Last night I dreamt that I was at the Picket Fence Christmas party but totally forgot my grab bag gift. So I left the party to go to Target really quickly but was lost or driving on lawns or running or making up excuses to my grab bag partner why I didn't have the gift. CRAZY MAKING BUSINESS.
But after all the lows - cracked skulls and all, there were some highs.
Lily finished a Helen Keller book and she is beaming with pride as reading is still a bit tough for her. Peter got a handsome new hair cut for the Holidays since his depression era lice hair cut had grown into quite a mess. And now all are tucked into bed and Rob and I are going to watch Mad Men.

Dedicated to my friend Stef...

2009-11-17T06:10:00.001-08:00

This blog is dedicated to my friend Stef who, after 20 years as a big time professional, is considering staying home with her boys!!!
Well, this morning I got to experience what most working moms go through on a continuous basis. Now, calling me a "working mom" is a stretch b/c I do only work part and my schedule is very flexible and mostly controlled by me. However, every once in a while, I have work things planned and a child of mine is sick. It's a horrible feeling...do I cancel? Will my clients be disappointed? When the hell else am going to to be able to reschedule? Is there anyone who can sit here w/ them while I go ahead and have this meeting?

Now, Dads simply go to work.

I understand why. They are the main contributors to many families' income. Well, for some families that is - I am quite sure that even when moms make the same bucks, they still have the job of morning detail and sick kid watch. But in our house - Daddy brings home the bacon.
So this morning, Lily wakes up crying b/c her ear hurts. This isn't new. It's been hurting. 2 DRS have looked and she does not have an ear infection. So at this point, I don't know what else to do. I take her temp - which was fine -and give her Motrin for the pain. I was up early b/c I had 5 showings scheduled for the morning in a different town. So I am focused and busy. Rob is still home while I jump in the shower. When I get out Lily is worse; she is back in bed. She said Daddy put her back to bed to rest and he also left for work.
On no! What if she is really really sick. Holy shit...my clients are on a time crunch, they have to buy something soon. I really can't show again until Thursday - damn-it, Thursday is when I was going to buy some really kick ass shirt to wear to a party this Friday. Damn.
But wait a minute - Rob Nicoll knew i had these showings but off he strolled. I say this to not disparage my husband b/c he is right to stroll off - we need him to keep his job and make the cash. But my point is that one thing mothers give up that father's don't entirely give up, is freedom.
Here is a summary of what has to happen for me to do anything - work related or otherwise. I must first find a sitter. Should be someone else who has a child so Peter can play and whose child isn't taking a nap at that time. Then I have to bring child to sitter. Then hope that the sitter's child isn't sick or that my own child doesn't become sick. I must drop him off, hurry up and get busy b/c I have to definitely be done doing whatever I am going by 3:30 to get the girls. Unless I find them their own sitter. But that sitter would also have to go to Fairview and be able to fit them in their car. But that might buy me some time. But shit, they have ballet at 4:00, so that isn't really much extra time. Unless that sitter also has a child who is in their ballet class.
I think I have made my point. But to make it further, I will illustrate for you how my morning continued to develop.
Lily started feeling better and I knew it was okay for her to go to school. Kick ass. So we are all packed up to head out the door. No wait, we aren't. We need gloves and a water bottle. Okay. We are really ready. So we drive over the tracks to go to St. Marks. Drop Peter and then off we go to cross the tracks back again to bring girls to Fairview. Then I run into my office to do 3 things...don't forget all 3 things. I am right on time!! Hooray. I then drive into Des Plaines. I don't really know Des Plaines like the back of my hand or anything so I drive around a bit to make SURE I know what I am doing once I am w/ my clients. Then I stop at Remax to pick up some keys. No parking. I illegally park and run. Then I meet my clients. Showings go well but I am aware that I need to hurry us along b/c Peter must be picked up at 11:15. So we wrap things up, I drop my clients back at their car, double park my car w/ the hazard light on to run keys back into Remax and head back to MP. And I made it. I really made it.
So, my hat goes off to all "working out of the house" moms. I only have the dilemmas in small doses and it's enough to make me want to drink by 10 am. So Stef - guess what will happen when you quit work? The next time either boy is sick, you can say "kick ass, no worries. We are just going to snuggle in - I don't have to cancel or reschedule a thing". It's the greatest gift of staying home.

Want to do it all...

2009-11-15T15:12:00.000-08:00

I have a big problem wanting to do it all...I want to go to Disney World again - w/ the family and again w/ my mom. I want to go out West and see the mountains and snow and have Rob teach the kids to ski. I want to rent a cottage in Brown County, Indiana. I want to have a condo in the city for weekend jaunts. I want to book a water park winter get-away. I would love to rent a house on the beach for about a month next summer. I mean, why not. I would love to go to the Carolinas. I think a trip to Canada would be great and I even researched a trip to Ireland as a family. I seriously want to travel 24/7. The problem is there is just so much to do that we haven't done and so much that we have done but that I LOVE so much I want to do again. The other problem is we have no money for such fabulous travel ideas.

ON a totally different note, why does it bother me that Rob sleeps through every movie. I shouldn't even care. I know that. But it makes me crazy to look over during the movie and see him sleeping. And during GOOD parts. During exciting parts. I realize that it takes major medication to get me to fall asleep at all, but come on. The funniest part comes when I ask if he liked the movie and he actually weighs in. AS IF!!!

And lastly, on another totally different note, my goal for the Holidays is to truly enjoy the spirit of Christmas. I try every single year to do this but this year, I am bound and determined. It will be quite challenging to do the fun/festive things I want to do AND sit back and relax, But that is my goal.

Okay - now really LASTLY. How can Maeve "forget" to practice Viola but remember that she is supposed to be on Webkinz w/ a friend online. How can she manage to have enough energy for a birthday party but is totally wiped out for piano. CAN play. CAN'T put clothes away. CAN watch TV. CAN'T empty the dishwasher. CAN eat Halloween candy. CAN'T eat dinner. Interesting. Her capabilities are so diverse.

Continued

2009-11-13T15:20:00.000-08:00

Well, the week has gone fairly well. I say that even though I just ate 2 Snickerdoodles. However, I am not going to let that discourage me. They were home made - warm - and unbelievable. Worth it? I am not sure yet.
I am loving this Friday - the kids are happy and I built a fire and am even IN THE ROOM while they watch Wizards of Waverly Place and I just despise Disney Channel.
Also - worth noting, I am now taking "the pill". Like many, I was/am experiencing increased PMS w/ age...and worse periods. So my DR suggested the pill. This is the end of month 2 - the jury is out. I will know more next week. I am SO hoping the PMS is better - as is Rob, I am sure.
My girls are SO excited b/c my friend Kristi is here...they are ON HER. The poor girl can barely make a move without their attention. It's fun to see them show off their talents to her.
OH MY - I just HAVE to go to bed and it's only 7:45. I hate these dark days that follow long nights of shitty sleep and lead into long busy work days.

Update

2009-11-10T15:18:00.000-08:00

Well, I have done really well tdoay. So far, so good. I drank lots of water, took my B12, ate really well, never ate candy, ran up to the 3rd floor of the Village Hall instead of taking the elevator and did the same at the libary and even drank the dandelion tea.

I really really want some candy. I really would love a Snickers. But so far, so good.

I must admit that I had 2 bites of Peter's hot dog tonight and it was damn good.

Motivated

2009-11-10T05:59:00.000-08:00

Well I have to admit to a few things...one is that I would blog more if typing weren't such a pain in the arse for me...I am a horrible typist.
The other is that I think I am ready to get back motivated. I have shared in my blogs my lack of motivation to get this body into shape. Well I just may have bottomed out yesterday. I had a spat w/ Maeve that just sucked the life out of me. So to get over that, I ate about 1/2 a bag of Vinegar and Salt chips and watched a DVR'd episode of Friends....( I DVR Friends b/c it's a show that just brings me 30 minutes of joy and I am in a really good part of friends when Rachel and Ross break up....ahh, those were the days right?). Anyway, I did feel better afterwards - my brain was sufficiently numbed and I was able to move forward. For about an hour. Then the crash came - my stomach, my teeth and suddenly I was in a coma. I basically slept from 7:30 on only after having a bowl of cereal as a follow up for the chips as a dinner. YUCK. And normally, chips aren't my thing. It would be much more typical if I were to eat 1/2 a container of ice cream. So I think that is exactly why my body shut down - just not used to salt. Definitely used to sugar but not salt.
So I woke up today a little before 6:00 feeling so much better. Ready to get going...for the first time in months I actually think I am ready to LOOK at being healthier. Plus, I shared a bunhc of my good vitamins and other herbal stuff w/ a friend yesterday and as I was making her a little gift bag, I thought to myself "why don't YOU follow this regimen better?". Lazy.
So, putting that all together, I think I am truly ready so stay tuned. My brain KNOWS what to do so we will see how much willpower I have. Well, we know i have zero willpower so let me rephrase that...We will see how focused I can stay.
Good bye Halloween candy. Good bye ice cream. Hello water. Hello vitamins.
In the meantime, on the way to my newly inspired motivation, my children are driving me totally crazy. I want to shove them out the door. M and L fight so much there is no break...oh wait, a break, it's quiet - it's a miracle. They just go on and on with each other until I am ready to just blow up. So I just quietly walked into the kitchen, took their HUGE bags of candy out of the pantry and took it away. Of course, it's "unfair" and I "don't listen to anything" and I "blame everyone for things that are Lily's fault' and "nothing in this house is fair" and "maeve called me mean" and cry cry cry and pout pout pout and blame blame blame. You know what I think...I think they should all ZIP IT.

Tired but good

2009-11-06T18:50:00.000-08:00

Well I have to say I am way tired. I know why. All week Peter has had a really hard time sleepign alone. And we all know, I am a sucker. I hate seeing him sad. So, I have sacrficed good sleep for good love. And I am not kidding. That child is a LOVE BUG. Who would dare to say no to him? You know what you get? Spontaneous hugs and kisses. Whispers of I love you. So that is all the good stuff. The negative side is that I sleep like shit. So, I am tired but well loved. I guess I will take that every time.
He is currently buttering me up for another night by telling me he "likes" my snoring.
Tomorrow I get to be the Realtor I want to be. Tomorrow I am working with a Lincoln Park couple who is moving to the burbs. This is my favorite job in real estate - selling MP or AH to the very same couple we were 11 years ago. So months of listings and investors, alas, I get a good gig in real estate.
Saw Mitch Album tonight on Chicago Tonight. He said something I really loved - he was quoting someone else so I am not sure, as I was half listening, who originally said it but it was in response to a question he asked of the person and their happiness. The person said "be thankful for what God gave you. Be satisfied and be content with what God gave you.". I really liked it.

Who was that?

2009-10-30T20:27:00.000-07:00

I saw someone today that I barely recognized. I saw her in the reflection of the doors at Fairview. It was ME. My mirror and my brain NEVER see that person. What a sad state of affairs that we actually have to CARE SO much about our bodies...I continue to struggle w/ just the pull between leave me alone and let me drink hot chocolate and I know I would feel better if I drank more water. There is no doubt that I would prefer to not care about this shit...I would much rather just not care. But the reality is I know I must. Why? Well, I don't want to be an unattractive bloated 40 something mom I see in the reflection of the store front. I just don't want to do the work. In fact, I am resentful that on top of everything else that I concern myself with, my physical condition is yet another item on the TO DO list. That it's not enough to actually THINK about being healthy, I actually have to actively work on it....just add it to the list. I don't mean to bitch here - this is no pity party. I am not some dumb ass who thinks that just b/c I used to skinny without working at all for it, that I deserve that right forever. I KNOW that everyone has to work at it. I am not trying to be lazy here. I am just trying to be real. My REAL is that I have some free time each day. I do. I am not busy every second of my day. But I want to use that free time to do things I enjoy. And exercise and not eating snacks are things I don't enjoy. I enjoy watching Oprah. I enjoy watching Oprah while eating a snack. I am not happy with the ongoing pressure to break that daily tradition and actually move my body. I know, I know...NO ONE LIKES TO EXERCISE but those who do, get off their arses and get it done and I just bitch about it. Maybe when Peter is in school all day. Maybe I will have more freedom to STILL watch Oprah AND exercise. And no, I don't want to exercise WHILE watching Oprah - I can't concentrate and I am not comfortable. I like to get comfy w/ a blanket and beverage and a snack. Just keeping it real....

Snoring etc.

2009-10-30T04:40:00.001-07:00

I snore now. For a while i was in denial. I remember one of the first times someone told me this was my dear friend Stephanie when we got together in Indy. I think this was 6 years ago...maybe 5. In the morning she said "Jules, you snore now". Stef and I had slept in the same room or same apt for 5 or 6 years of lives together. I couldn't believe it. WHY was I snoring. Then Rob would tell me i was snoring and I truly believed it was my allergies. For me, snoring is a repulsive horrible thing a 55 year old fat man would do. Not me. So anyway, my real point is that when I do snore, which I believe is ONLY when I am on my back (I must think this b/c otherwise further embarrassment), Rob will lightly shake the bed to get me to stop. Lately, this is not only getting me to stop snoring, it WAKES ME UP FOR THE DURATION. Now I know it's not his fault b/c he wants to sleep to and I am clearly getting in the way of that. But at the time, I am just furious. Plus I add in the irritation of the REASON I am on my back is b/c my arthritis is so bad in the hips that I can't sleep on my sides anymore. I know, poor me - bad hips, middle aged snoring. Sick of it.
But while I am on it, let me also add a few more ailments that I believe are age related. Lately - zits on my chest. WHAT? Why? I don't even have a chest. It's ridiculous. My memory - it's not JUST that I don't remember things, but I can't explain things...like loss of words. One day this week I signed "Julie" to things all day. WHAT??? As a kid I was called Julie but my family always called me Julia and most other have called me Julia since the mid 80's so what's up with that. Then I tried my hardest to explain that thing when you take money out of your paycheck each month to build up a medical expense fund - see I can't even think of it now. And lastly, the peeing. If I have to pee, it's not a feeling, it's actually pee leaving my body. If I walk even close to the bathroom, I have to pee like I have held it for years. When peter is going potty, I nearly rip him off that toilet so I can pee even though moments before we were in that room, I didn't have to go at all.
So -
I snore
I am sore
I have newly appointed acne
I can't think or remember clearly
And I start peeing before I am fulling even sitting on the toilet.
Well - I will say this. I am getting a guard for my teeth b/c of my TMJ and maybe that will help the snoring. Otherwise, i want my own room. I know I am in the running to inherit the worst arthritis so that's just a sad reality. The acne - who knows and really, who cares. The mind- it's going, I know it's going, I have a long history of brains going so really this is Rob's problem, and the peeing - well, if I pee my pants that's not he worst thing that could happen today.

It's been a week...

2009-10-26T04:26:00.001-07:00

Well - It's been a week since my last post. That sentence sounded like a confession - "forgive me bloggers, for it's been an entire week since my last post".
Well, what can I say. Lice came back. I was PMSing (which deserves a post of it's own). Peter was sick. It seems it rained ever minute since my last post. And my house is out of control w/ crap b/c our basement being finished. I climb over crap. And I literally climbed over crap this week b/c Harper was sick again w/ puking. Ahhhh....what a glorious week.
Remember when lice hit our family almost 3 weeks ago and I was so positive, such a good lice role model? Well, that's over. I hit a wall. Something happened when the lice came back that I can't explain. Except for that NOTHING nothing nothing could make me feel better. Not music, not a nap, not my Yankee candles. Nothing. I was a bitch. You know how it if to be really hungover but you have to work anyway - you have to GO ON. That's how it felt. Like all I was truly capable of was about 10 minutes of existence and then I was done. But again, I kept in mind my usual mantra - It's not cancer. Rules to live by. So if I ever DO get cancer, I am going to be shit out of luck.
So we plugged along. Rob was off work for much of this bout so he helped a ton by vacuuming ever square inch of the house. I laundered and treated and picked and laundered. I cried and pouted and cried and pouted more. I was basically a big baby from Wednesday until yesterday. I probably felt better yesterday b/c I was actually sick of being miserable. And I just turned it around.
All of this lice business isn't just physical work - it means my kids miss school, can't have play dates, and when it's raining - can't go outside. Caged. We were caged.
But today is a new day. It's a pretty sad state of affairs when the root canal that i am scheduled for today isn't really phasing me. Could be the Valium, but I think it's because I haven't really had time to dwell on it. Usually the dental work makes me want to puke and hide. But I am doing just fine this morning. The more I think about it, the more I guess it is the Valium.
And of course, I have other things to discuss....work, clients, people. But no time this morning. I just switched laundry, have to shower, get lily up to pick through her hair and pray she can get through the lice gates at the nurses office and get back to school. She NEEDS it. I NEED it.

What I have learned this week...

2009-10-18T05:51:00.000-07:00

One thing I learned this week is that I am better and so are the ones around me when I have very little extra "out of the house" duties. A big full plate is something that works well for some - motivates them, encourages them, keeps them stimulated. And when I first had the girls, I yearned for that. I wanted meetings, projects, collaboration, results- whether they were work or volunteered related. I felt successful in some arena of my world. And loved the positive feedback! When I taught Gymboree Music and some parent would say "great class" or a child REALLY learned something, I was thrilled b/c as is true for most mothers, my "home" duties went mostly unrecognized. So the stress of getting ready for class each week was worth it - the trade of was a good one. Fast forward through all the "extra"things I have done since Maeve was born - work, festivals, community events....from time to time in life, they have all been worth the trade off. But recently, I have really had to reconsider if that holds true any more.

I can't explain why but maybe I don't need the "positive feedback" anymore - I mean, still the home duties aren't popular for gaining me any strokes but maybe I just don't need that anymore. I can't say for sure on that one. But these days I am much happier saying NO to committees and events and sometimes even work. I am happier being at home, settled in with my crew. Happier cleaning, cooking, reading, and being. I am not saying that I will never do anything again but I think I will consider the "trade off" each time. Yesterday I was in charge of crafts for the Fall Festival. This is so reflective of the change within me. A few years ago, I planned that entire event and even though I recognized the stress of it, the trade off was HUGE. I was proud and felt it was a good accomplishment. Fast forward and yesterday I couldn't even manage to drum up much enthusiasm for the craft table.

Some of this enlightenment came last week when the Nicolls were sequestered w/ lice. I honestly can say those were some great days. I was relieved of all of my out of house duties and the kids obviously were too. We were just HERE. It was amazing how much calmer we all were with no where to go. We had plenty to do under this roof and I really enjoyed it. And I could feel a real difference in me during the lice. SINGLE MINDED and that single was HOME.

The shift within me is not fully understood by me but I really feel it enough to recognize it. Maybe next year, I wll be right back into the thick of activity. Who knows. But for now, I want nothing more than to build a fire, light a candle and hunker down. Call it old school or my continued wish to be Ma Ingalls but this is certainly a better match for me these days than sitting in the freezing air encouraging kids to come make pine cone bird feeders or showing a client, who I know will never ever buy anything, a house this afternoon. The trade off is just not worth it.

The NRA.....yes, the NRA

2009-10-13T12:32:00.000-07:00

Well for days now, I have been getting calls w/ "NRA" on the caller ID. And unless really necessary, I don't usually answer the phone, especially for things like the NRA. But today, the mood struck me right to answer the phone, to find out exactly why the NRA is stalking me every day.
Hello.
Can I speak with Mr. Nicoll?
Nope, he's not home.
Okay, we will try him again.
Really? You don't want to talk to me - I am MRS. Nicoll?
Uh...okay. Hi, I am Jason and I am a member of the NRA. Can I play you a audio segment from the President of the NRA and have you answer some questions after.
Sure.
I then listen to Mr. NRA President talk w/ outrage about the United Nations trying to take away our 2nd amendment and just wait until the "gun hating elite media" portray the US as getting in the way of the UN's bill.....blah blah blah.
After Jason says "did you get a chance to hear the message?"
Yep.
"Are you comfortable with "THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES DECIDING OUR RIGHTS?"
Hmmm, wait a minute. 3rd world countries?
So I say "I know you just said 3rd world countries but do you mean the UN?".
"Well, yes, the UN is made up of many 3rd world countries."
I say "AND other countries like England, THE UNITED STATES,....."
"Yes, England is in the UN".
Then I finally just had to break this up w/ a big reality check. So I say "listen - when you call people up on the phone in hopes of gaining some momentum or commitment and you use language not quite totally accurate, you will loose all thoughtful, intelligent people along the way. Certainly, most people don't just BUY this crap do they? And I can speak for both MR and MRS Nicoll - we are anti gun all day long so you have called the wrong house. And I have another question - why did you ask for my husband and not me?"
"Well, we find that morr men than women like to weigh in on gun issues".
I felt like Seth Myers from Weekend Update when I had to give the "really?"
"Well, I would like to thank you for taking the time today."
And I would like to thank you for making my blood boil.

Proud mother

2009-10-12T11:16:00.000-07:00

Today in the car...
"Maeve, you know how I said I can't read Chapter books? Well I only have about 4 pages left in a Judy Blume book. I read the whole thing starting last night. Ask mommy!" Lily said.

"I don't need to ask Mommy" said Maeve.

"You believe me?" Lily said.

"Yes, I believe you b/c I have always said you are a good reader". Maeve replied.

I just drove, acting like I wasn't eavesdropping on their conversation and smiled the whole time. So proud of them both. I will never forget this moment.

Random thoughts..Jewel, Real Estate and lice

2009-10-12T05:42:00.000-07:00

Well I went to Jewel yesterday and I have to say - the prices were unbelievable. I was going crazy. I was DYING to discuss w/ someone - an employee, a shopper. No one cared. I couldn't believe it. I was alone in my passion. I was definitely talking out loud enough that if other wanted to join in, they could have just jumped right into my disbelief. But, instead, people acted like $1 Goldfish was an everday day thing. I would say "can you believe this?" And they would look at me like I was nuts.
So, I race home to tell Rob - "I got Life cereal for a buck fifty!!". He could barely care.
Now...I realize that I have always been driven by a bargain but come on. DOESN'T ANYONE REALIZE HOW FABULOUS IT IS TO GET A BIG BOX OF GRANOLA BARS FOR 2 BUCKS.

Anyway - I had to go inward and move on. It really sucks to have to squash joy.

I had an excellent Open House and felt my Real Estate ignition turn on just a bit for the first time in a long time. The attendees were REAL buyers and not just crazies.

And I finally realized what's got me down with the whole lice thing - FEAR. Not the work or the picking or the experience we have had thus far even but the fear of what lies ahead. What if the lice weren't all killed. What if I can't get them all? What if I can't pick them all out of lily's hair by tomorrow when we are back to school. What if I go to pick her hair today and there are MORE? Pure fear.

My sweet boy is having trouble sleeping without me again. It's sweet and for all those naysayers out there who think I am enabling him - shut it. I challenge any loving human to look into his eyes and deny him. He usually goes up to bed and I tuck him in and then he comes down about 3 minutes later and says "I can't sleep very well". It's too sweet. He's in his jammies all warm and snuggly and I know he will just curl up and be loving and funny. I know he will give me tons of kisses and sweetness. Who can deny love? Well I say this much - not mama! And i even think Rob enjoys our evening time b/c it's the only time it's just the 3 of us. So, he just sits w/ us, makes us laugh and then falls asleep so I take him up to his bed....No harm done.

Dark days of lice...

2009-10-11T08:55:00.000-07:00

Well the PMA is waning. I'm not gonna lie.
Woke up today a big crab ass. Just pure crabby. All I want to do is sit in my room with a ongoing full cup of hot coffee and watch a mixture of old 90210 reruns w/ some football. But, alas, I am a parent and wife, I must march on.
Complaints of the day -
Why can't the sun shine?
Why are the knives back in the knife block when I really want them in an old Ball Jar?
Why did I ever say I would help with crafts for the Fall Festival. You would think this is no big deal since I used to plan the whole event - but now it seems far to much to ask of myself.
How can I find it in me to fold one more goddam load of laundry?
Then put it away or even ask others to put it away - seems like way too much.
Why can't Peter pee alone?
Why can't Lily count pine cones alone?
Why can't Maeve clean her room alone?
Why can't I just watch 90210?

But onward. I guess I will sign off and vacuum. I think I am supposed to do this every day to make sure I rid our house of nits, live lice - whatever the hell I am fighting here. And then pick some more "seseme seeds" from Lil's hair.
And the Bears have a BI week. I hate BI weeks.

LIfe with Lice

2009-10-10T06:13:00.000-07:00

Well, we are surviving life with lice. Sometimes even thriving...

You see, when people make you dinner and you are not able to work outside the home and the children can't attend activities = you hunker down and life is pretty good. I have been super relaxed and even occasionally giddy. It's a pretty interesting snapshot of life...that what makes me happiest is just "being". Not going, not working but just being. And I can not understate the value of dinner being cooked for a family. When we had Peter, it was amazing and I don't think I cooked for 2 months. I truly appreciated it then like you can't believe. So in my book, I would have to procreate or loose a loved one to have dinner brought to my door again. Who would have thought that LICE would have done the trick.

Now there are down sides to lice. Peter can't play w/ friends and he doesn't understand why.

2 of the 3 children have home made hair cuts leaving one of them to look slightly forlorned. The recurrence of lice is always on my mind. An itch, a little piece of fuzz all resemble scary notions to me. But the worst part is having the school nurse comb through Lil's hair day after day and not let her come to school. It's heartbreaking to see her little face and I just hope to God she doesn't feel shamed by the whole. I personally have made this thing into a pretty big party so I am hoping THAT is what she will remember - not the denial into school.

Maeve did get to go back to school for her class election and she DID win the girl representative spot for student council. She is SO happy and I was practically in tears. In fact, Lily asked Maeve if anyone cried after the election and Maeve laughed and said "no, only mommy does that". Anyhoo - I will quote her exact words.

"I have to thank you b/c I think the part that did it for me in my speech was the part about being friends with everyone, even the boys. (my idea). Because when I looked up after reading that, everyone had an expression on their faces like "hmm, she's a good person"".

Seriously - how sweet and hilarious is that??!!

The next day, during out daily lice check with our school nurse, I told the nurse it was all worth getting Maeve back in on Thursday b/c she won the election. The nurse was excited for Maeve and all Maeve said was "there were a lot of great speeches".

Now I truly don't remember being mature in 4th grade and I am certain I wasn't humble. WHO is this girl? I must claim her as my own and be proud. She amazes me daily w/ her genuine kindness and it almost makes up for turtle like movement when we are trying to get out the door each day. Another thing, I might add, NOT inherited from me.

So we plug along and enjoy each day. We have movies and books and finally the sunshine. What can you do, right?

But, if by Tuesday (we are off Monday), the lice are fully back or Lily still can't get into school b/c of the damn nits, I will slit my wrists.

Rice Krispie Treats from a friend
A Blizzard from Dairy Queen
Home made meatballs and gravy
Chilli Mac dinner w/ all the trimmings including Tecate and dessert
Another trip to Dairy Queen for lunch
Treats at Caribou
Home made brownies from my neighbor.
All the pounds I have packed on in the name of fighting lice- WORTH IT.

A few more thank yous...

2009-10-07T17:35:00.000-07:00

Also wanted to thank my daughters who are truly seeing the bright side of lice. Lots of TV. To Lily, who has hung w/ me all day w/ very little complaining. And to Maeve, who said when she thought she might miss her class elections (she is running for class rep for student council) that there is "always next year". Clearly her maturity is astounding and closely resembling that of her mother's. And to her friend Ally who called after school to check on her - like a real friend. So sweet and caring.

Long day...I mean week

2009-10-07T14:14:00.000-07:00

Well I will start w/ yesterday - no Monday.
On Monday I had my usual medication that is mandatory for me to have dental work. A little Valium and some nitrous. This time it wasn't as effective....I wasn't AS happy as last time. But I survived. A few hours later I went to a funeral. A gut wrenching and beautiful funeral. If there is one thing FO SHO w/ me is that my emotions run the gamut and are at surface level at all times just waiting to be called upon. This is no different this day. My tears were for others. For my friend and her family and their devastation. I could feel their pain in the eulogy and in the priest's words and in the many of attendees. It was a tough one. And it was one of those where you leave thinking.." I am going to live my life differently - i will make big changes - I will appreciate every moment". Hopefully I can follow through on some of that but we all know - even w/ the best intentions, we all slip back into the day to day.
Next - Tuesday. I wake up about 45 minutes later than usual. Could NOT drag my arse out of bed. I am sure it was a bit fat combo of the remaining Valium, Novocaine, nitrous, and sadness that ran through my body the day before. Nonetheless, this 45 mintues indulgence caused me to leave the house about 4 minutes late. For me - that's a big deal. I HATE being late - Well, actually I HATE being on time - I want to be early. So on the way to St. Mark's we are stopped by a train. I had the audacity to look at some elderly drivers and wonder why the hell they couldn't wait until later to be out and about - b/c I mean, seriously - they have all day, don't they? Anyway , as we waited for the train, all I could hope for was that this wasn't a color day. Or a shape day. If I walk in that school and see everyone in blue or bringing circled shaped items for the board, I will just die. As luck would have it - we were safe. Just a regular ole day. Thank goodness.
And last but not least - and Rob feels this isn't Blog appropriate conversation - but I shall not be shamed by this. WE have lice. Yes, the Nicolls have lice. Discovered last night. Treated ever since. I KNOW we will survive it but the process is taking a few months off my life. There is no doubt. But I wanted to take this time to say a few thank yous...
I am thankful for Paula who diagnosed and then SHOPPED for me last night in the dark and wind.
I am thankful for my Mom who took control and told me what to do - I say guide me and I will follow.
I am thankful that I had ZERO plans today to rearrange.
I am thankful for our new 75 gallon hot water heater that has kept up w/ the 7 showers and 5 loads of laundry on high heat.
I am thankful for Jenny who brought me her Grandma Rio's spaghetti sauce and meatballs.
I am thankful for my husband who is always an equal partner and will help me as soon as he arrives home.
I am thankful for Mrs. Sakoufakis for putting off class elections until tomorrow JUST to wait for Maeve.
I am thankful for Mrs. Collins who as always makes me feel better when I call school. Always.
So now, I am off to vacuum the car - to delouse it. And then we are going to Daily Queen b/c DQ helps everything -even lice.

Sunday

2009-10-04T05:17:00.000-07:00

Here I sit on a Sunday morning - dark and rainy - what a shocker.
Today is exciting b/c we are going to have a date. This afternoon, Rob and I are have a date to go to Lowes and dinner. Floor tiles and pasta. I am so excited and as I was in bed this morning thinking about this, I figured out that I honestly don't think Rob and I have had a date since we were in Saugatuk in July. I really don't think so. YIKES. That is really scary but true.

A friend of mine's mother in law passed away on Wednesday - suddenly. And when people live an active full life and are funny and laugh and full a room w/ joy, then "sudden" really means SUDDEN. I am still shocked just as a distant observer of the situation. It really is one of those 100 reminders we are all always given to be aware that at any time, any moment, even right now - something shocking can happen like this. This is a family who had a rock - a center - a light. And now they don't. So they will create a new rock but they will suffer and for that I am so sad for them all.

Life w/ Lil continues to be challenging. She is tough, She challenges my every fiber. I am definitely at the top of my game dealing w/ her....meaning, I can not improve. It is what it is. It is either good b/c i have dug deep enough to work through the moment of angst or it's not b/c I can't. The worst part is the feeling of being alone it. It's on me to figure this thing out. It's on me to "fix" this emotional behaviour stuff she has. She doesn't do it at school - so they can't help. So the "what am I going to do about this" can really stress a girl out. Well, at least this girl.

My real estate life continues to be full of a wide range of characters. All of which have little quirks that make them "special" to me. And by special, I mean.....

Cheers to a happy Sunday - good Bears game - a trip to Diddier Farms Pumpkin Patch and our date to Lowes.

A day in the life...dinner and mammograms

2009-09-29T17:18:00.000-07:00

How ironic that while Maeve made post it notes for the table tonight w/ our names she made an additional note that said "family dinners are joyful". Yea right. Here is how many of our family dinners go....
I either lazily make crap or energetically make something good.
We either have constant arguing, name calling, back and forth bullshit or we have a civilized meal.
Rob and I either reprimand and control or we laugh at our hilarious loving children.
Guess what kind of dinner we had tonight? Well I can say this much....it WAS NOT JOYFUL.
I kept thinking "did Mrs. Ingalls ever go through this?". Seriously Mary, Laura and Carrie wouldn't have EVER argued about who talks first or who looked at who. They would, with respect and reverence, thank their Ma and Pa for working so hard for providing a meal. Now I realize that Little House on the Prarie was a TV show and maybe not a fair depiction of reality. But I know for sure that if Ma or Pa even had to raise their voice, those kids listened.
I can same the same for Mrs. Huxtable, Mrs. Brady, Mrs. Walton and so on.
Point being is I am tired. Tired of making dinner. Tired of cleaning dinner. But it's all palpable IF at least the audience is kind and thoughtful and at the least, pleasant.

Onto something else....
I had a mammogram today - totally routine. And before I go any further, just to alleviate any stress at all, it was normal. Anyway - I am always quite proud of my ability to handle medical stress. I never jump to conclusions and I feel totally capable of handling anything...(well except for the time Peter was sick last August). Anyway...I marched in there today, so strong and friendly and making sure I sent the message that "this mammogram thing is not going to stress me out!". Even as I sat in my gown flipping through magazines, I made sure my vibe was "easy peasy". So she called me in and was so sweet and kind and my attitude was "no problem". So she said I could go sit and wait for the results. It took a bit longer and I was done w/ a few magazines and then I started thinking..."a - hah! There WILL be a problem -something to try to crack me....but I will just respond with the same attitude - no problem". Then I started thinking..."of course, there's a problem, you are too confident, not nervous enough....poster child for anyone can get breast cancer - even you! program" Then she called me back to say they needed a re -take. "Of course, no problem". Re -takes don't bother me. I had to do re-takes last year. I am tough against re-takes. I am a PRO at re-takes. Some people might be nervous now, but not me...I am easy peasy with the re-takes. Back in the waiting area, I am now convinced there is a problem. Of course, there is. I just read The Middle Place, I have done the Avon Walk, I am far too cocky and frankly, feel like shit every day so YES I probably do have breast cancer. I can imagine her words...She will be kind and try to cushion the blow...I will respond with confidence...that even if she finds something, I will still NOT jump to conclusions. Because I am not really strong in many areas of life...I cry a lot, I am wimpy at athletics, I quit projects when they get too tough....but I have always thought that I am definitely TOUGH at medical stuff...and this damn annual mammogram is NOT going to get to me.
At last, she calls me back to say I am in the clear for another year.
I knew it. No problem.

Life

2009-09-25T19:24:00.000-07:00

Well Rob is at KU for the weekend. It's odd - but when he's not here, I can kick it into high gear. I really can. It must be this thing when you know it's on you - you just dig deeper than when you know you share the load. So, we worked w/ fun and efficiency this afternoon and evening. Friends, food, clean up and bed. House clean, dishwasher running, laundry in full swing. Complete efficiency. No meltdowns from children or the adult. Victory.

Our basement is about 1/2 way done. It's coming along. We have excellent people on this job.

Remember a few months ago when I needed a big real estate break...remember when I couldn't take on any more work? Well, I have had about 3 weeks of rest. Still have some work but not the mad rush as before. So now I am in panic mode. It's always a Realtors nightmare that you may never sell another house. My last closing was less than a month ago and I am already wondering...So if you want to become an insane human and function in an industry of feast or famine, I have the job for you. The pros - semi flexible schedule, not a 9-5er, can make some good cash, meet some wonderful people and in the end the biggest pro is that you find someone the house of their dreams. The con - you can become an insane human.

Tough getting back into another good book after reading an amazing book. For me, The Middle Place spoiled me for other books for a while.

Still battling the bulge. Hmmmm.....I am reading Skinny Bitch which my cousin Jeananne recommended. It's good - it's tough - it's full of data. But they lost me at "no coffee".
I do have to read on. I know that. I know that mostly at night when I reflect on the day of poor decisions regarding what enters my body. I also know it in the morning when I look at my clothes and then when I look at those clothes on my body. I know it when I make frozen pizza pretending only the kids will eat it. And I know it when I am secretly looking forward to a kid's birthday party tomorrow morning b/c they said they will have donuts and coffee. To the world of good health I just want to say this...LET ME BE. But I know that is the big baby route so I will soon be the grown up that I am and get focused. Take responsibility. Be strong. Be honest.
After tomorrow.

Check in with the Nicoll kids!

2009-09-23T13:17:00.000-07:00

Today I gave Peter a HUGE gift. I brought him to the Village Play Place in Arlington Heights. He LOVES this place. It makes him SO happy to go there. We haven't been since Spring and he asks all of the time. He ran in the door, bellied up for his hand stamp and booked in to the fake grocery store. I love seeing anyone this happy. He had strawberry milk and fruit snacks for snack. He LOVED it. He made friends. He lights up a room for sure. I won big mama points today.

Maeve is off to a great start w/ her viola. She is taking it very seriously. And yesterday even made up a song. She brought the music stand into the kitchen to play for me. She named is "My sister lily" and the notes were "hi, medium and low". How funny. When I tried to make up words to go along w/ the tune, she shook me off quickly. This was her gig.

Lily is a master at many things...one thing is getting stuff done. She comes in - mostly unhappy about something that happened on the way home but then gets to business. She cranks out the homework and chores (w/ some complaining for sure) all in the name of 2 things - a show and the chance to roller blade.

So each day we have tears at some point. For one reason or another, each Nicoll sans Rob, cries every day. But I would say we make out okay on the other end. Just an emotional bunch I suppose.

Sad news..

2009-09-22T19:13:00.000-07:00

I started writing this blog b/c a friend of mine's sister wrote a blog I faithfully followed. My friend Dana's sister Cari had breast and then brain cancer. She passed away today. Her blog was always positive and thankful and gracious. She was always hopeful with great perspective. If you want to read her story you can at www.undomestic.blogspot.com
This last month or so has been very difficult for her family. So I am hoping they feel a bit more at peace tonight. Her children are the same ages as mine. I hope that Dana's flight to MN is easy and restful and gets her to her family soon as being together is always better than being far away during times like this.

Chronicles of 9/22

2009-09-22T13:28:00.000-07:00

6:20 a.m. - Oh shit - I am already 20 minutes late in the game. I have been waking up at 6:00. Today is a big day - Picture Day, Preschool, water off for the basement all day. Our basement guys come at 7:00 so there is no time for sitting around. I am up. Off to make my coffee when I see a smudge of diarrhea on the carpet by my computer. Harper has been sick so I bet this is from her. I look over to the living room and see about 8 or 9 big spots of diarrhea on our cream colored carpet. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.
I get out the cleaning supplies and get to work. Rob gets out of the shower to report the basement guys are here. It's 6:30. I look up and Peter is standing about a foot from one of the spots. Rob takes Pete and I get to work scrubbing - knowing that our already tired and worn carpeting is going. I don't care if I have to pay some highschool kid $100bucks - this must be pulled up.
7:20 - I wake up Maeve. PICTURE DAY!!
7:45 - She is still not down -stairs. She must be getting really dolled up. I go upstairs where I find her walking aimlessly around her room in her pajamas.
Me - What have you been doing?
Maeve - Reading.
Me - Why - you should be getting ready. We have to take Peter to preschool at 8:30 and it's picture day.
Maeve - You always tell me to read.
Thoughts - WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP.
Me - Zip it and get ready.
8:30 - We are all ready and out the door with time to spare.
10:00 - Off to bring Harper to vet as she seems worse. Call from St. Marks - Peter had a potty accident and needs new shoes.
10:45 - Pick up Nora and Peter and take them to McDonalds. I observe the crowd - mostly high school boys w/ pants too big, bad acne and smirks that I KNOW are b/c they are making fun of everyone around them. Also an older couple w/ pants too high - not only not speaking to each other but reading their own individual books during lunch - AT McDonalds. And a few high school girls w/ pants too tight. WHEN will these girls figure out that is NOT a good look.
And we are off - to the library and then the vet. The good news - Harper has a virus and nothing worse.
1:20 - Time for Pete's nap. I lay down w/ him. Work in the basement is in high gear. We both drift into a nice peaceful state of mind. Soon, a drill is drilling something that is so intense that Peter's bed is vibrating 2 floors up. He SLEEPS through it....and I spring out of his bed just convinced something exploded. But it's nothing...just the work being done.
Any minute the girls will walk in the door. I don't need to wait for them to arrive to finish this Chronicle. It will go like this.
3:45 - BURSTS into the door. Lily is pissed b/c Maeve walked in front of her. Maeve is pissed b/c lily pushed her b/c Maeve walked in front of her. Lily will deny this to loudly and so passionately that she is now in tears over this crazy accusation. They both have a million things to tell and it's not fair that the other one goes first. Why don't we have lemonade. Why did you give me a cheese stick in my lunch.
Finally around 8:30 tonight, I will sit down and know the day is behind me. I will probably watch some DVRd show I like - Oprah, Daily Show, The Actors Studio.
And I will wake up tomorrow and do it again. But hopefully without the diarrhea.