It wasn't that long ago that I was oblivious to the burdens of parenting a school aged child. At first, when we all had our babies, we worried about their NOWness. I can safely say that I didn't worry when it took Peter longer to walk that he might not actually walk some day. I just worried if he was walking NOW. I don't think I remember hearing other parents say "if he doesn't learn to share, he will surely be a loner in 4th grade". So when did that change? When did our worries become about what MIGHT be if we don't get this parenting thing exactly right? For me, I can remember the first time I thought "holy shit, if I don't fix this, it will effect her in Middle School". Lily was 41/2. Her acceptance of one Peter Nicoll was rough; unpleasant and full of defiance and disrespect. I DID worry that if I didn't get this straightened out she would be a 15 year old kid that would open her own window in the middle of the night to escape from her horrible family. (That part might actually still take place - the verdict is still out). I worried about her at age 15 when she was 4 and 5. I can remember then thinking how insane that is - how much time I was wasting worrying about things that may or may not happen for a full decade. But even moments of logical reasoning didn't stop me or anyone else I know from needless hours of anxiety while we made the connections between talking back at dinner to dropping out of highschool. I think almost everyone I know parents out of fear - out of what MIGHT happen.
I can safely say I didn't sent my kids to St. Mark's preschool to prepare them for Kindergarten. At the time, I didn't even think about life after St. Mark's. I choose it b/c it was sweet and fun and seemed like a happy place. But I do know people do base their preschool decisions on exactly that - how well they will be prepared for Kindergarten. And now we think about which teacher might best prepare our child for 3rd grade b/c 3rd grade is especially difficult. And then 5th grade has to be tough b/c they are getting them ready for 6th grade.....MIDDLE SCHOOL!!!!(here's an insiders secret - even if your child IS prepared for Lincoln it is STILL hours of homework and stress and worry!!) And with our middle school holding the "word on the street" award for being the LEAST prepared middle schoolers for Prospect High School, then you can imagine the pressure they are all under to "bring it". And Prospect High School holds another "street" award for being fabulous. So you know they too feel the pressure to be high ranking. I bet they aren't even satisfied if they are as good as there were last year. Even though it was good, it could be better. We are all trying to be better.....best. But when does it end? Does it end when kids graduate from high school? Or College? Are people my age STILL trying to be better....best?
I don't know. But I do know this. I cannot worry about Lincoln Middle School anymore. I just can't - it's wasting my time. I can't keep worrying that if Lily chooses to be friends with someone in 3rd grade that is somewhat of a bully, that she is destined to be a follower which means she is surely going to turn to drugs and never graduate from school. I can no longer hear "just wait - it only gets worse". If it only gets worse, then I will certainly live a life of dread. B/c seemingly I can do nothing about it except change how I think about it. I can't worry that if Maeve doesn't learn balance now, she will most definitely never be able to handle the hectic life in high school. Maybe she will, maybe she won't but worrying can kill the spirit of NOW. That now I have a 10 year old and a 9 year old......2 girls that are just fine. Two girls that are sometimes leaders, sometimes followers - sometimes respectful, sometimes not......sometimes showered, sometimes not.......sometimes confident. sometimes insecure. All I can do is parent right now...I can't predict what will happen and I have to believe that sometimes, despite even the best parenting, kids do things that they shouldn't.
We are all parenting not just in hopes of them being happy, confident and loving people but also so that they're NOT drug addicts, loners, bullied, bullies, lonely, desperate, flunked out teenagers. I, for one, can no longer keep worrying about all of this. I can't keep thinking about all of the bad things that might happen if I don't parent perfectly. Or if our schools are perfect. It will literally make me crazy....and I really don't function well when crazy. This I know for sure.
5 comments:
When I get to a regular computer i will be piping in on this blog. I have alot to say on this subject but can't do
It from me iPhone. :) great piece Julia!
Julia....I've been thinking about this subject since May...the reason....my oldest Elizabeth graduated from college. Back in 1988 while all my friends were in Lincoln Park partying, I was having babies. I had my first 2 by 24. I had 3 by 28 and Gracie at age 35. The reason I tell you this is because my cognitive skills at 23 were quite different than they were at 35.
I watched Elizabeth walk up the isle in May at graduation and realized she MADE it. She is a smart, productive, well rounded adult who has her stuff together. I thought about all the SHIT I worried about and all the pressure I put her under. I bought into such insanity and unfortunately she was the victim. The days she begged not to go to ballet, the days she pleaded not to go to swimming and the days she faked sick so as to have a down day with me. UGH....instead of taking those moments and slowing down, realizing her world did not balance on it....I bought into the "if you don't go to ballet, you will not be accepted into the Joffrey. (okay I didn't quite think that but I did have unrealistic high hopes for stupid goals. I apologized to the older two constantly about the way I raised them....they keep trying to soothe my soul by insisting it made them better people. I will tell you though, either age or exhaustion calmed me down. Number 3 and 4 are raised completely different. I got it....I refused to buy into the insanity and I let them drive the ship...
no swimming today...okay, no joining soccer....sounds good, no school today...well that one gets a pass twice a year. We get it here now. I watch young Mom's getting crazy about really stupid stuff and I get really sad. But, no one could have told me and I suppose my wisdom or insight will not change them. Id like to say age does it, but sometimes older Mom's are worse. We hang alot of our own hopes and dreams on these little creatures that just want to play in the backyard or sit on our laps and suck their thumbs.
Time to stop worrying about what they will become and focus on what they are today. They will get to college graduation as productive good people who will make their mark on this earth no matter if they skipped ballet at age 4.
Jules,
Just keep plugging along and keep "opening the can" when needed...all will work out. And most importantly, do what's best for you and don't listen to all the "BS"...that's what makes you crazy!!!!!
xxoo
Hello Katie..hahahahaha
Thank you, Julia and Katie, for making me feel better about not having my daughter signed up for anything this fall. I'll enjoy the slow afternoons and weekends watching my kids play together. Life will always have something harder in store, so we have to enjoy the now and teach our kids to enjoy it as well!
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