Emotionally Unstable...Again...

I have loved having Peter in my life and only a few times throughout his 6 plus years have I wanted to ring his neck.  He's been a dream.  Believe me when I say that I don't take this for granted!!  I KNOW how hard it is to love a kid that makes your life extremely difficult.  I KNOW years of tough parenting - tough b/c of me and tough b/c of the kid.  I know it's not always easy.  It just has been with him.  I always have thought God knew we needed more LOVE and so Peter arrived.  And although his arrival pushed LC into the depths of darkness for a few years, I do believe he has a purpose and that's to teach me to ENJOY this parenting gig a little more than I was!  HE seems to be Gretchen Rubin (author of The Happiness Project) in kid form.

So it's no surprise that I would rather he not have to go to school all day. So all summer people would ask him "are you excited for 1st grade?" and he'd respond "no, I don't want to be away from my Mama all day".  (Note - I'm not making this up - he really does say stuff like this!!)

The night before school started, I cried my way though Mariano's.  I cried in every aisle.  I cried so much I had to use my shirt as a kleenex.  Yes, I exposed my stark white stomach loaded w/ steri-strips from my gal bladder surgery so that I could use my shirt to blow my nose.  I was a total DISASTER.  

I got it together and encouraged and cheered him on like a normal emotionally stable mom would do.  But each day, his reluctance was getting worse and worse  So I broke the Parenting 101 rule of a "quick drop off" and agreed to actually walk him in the doors.  I would walk him and would say good bye in the foyer.  Well, then he wanted me to start taking him to his classroom.  Even I know this is NOT a good idea.  In my head I was saying "of course, I'll take you to your classroom and I'll hold you all day...you can sit on my lap and we can have lunch together....." but I was at least wise enough to leave those thoughts in my head.  When I told Peter that I couldn't go to the classroom, he was teary.  I WAS TEARY.  Get it together lady!!!  A staff came up and suggested I drop him in the valet line...a quick drop and run process.  Rip that band-aid right off.  What?  Is this woman insane?  I AM NOT DROPPING HIM OFF LIKE THAT!!!  Yes, that would be a good idea and yes, that's what most normal emotionally stable moms would do but that's not me.  Yes, that might be better for Peter and yes, the majority of parents do this but WHAT?  So he eventually went to his room and I cried in my car.  I cried at my office.  I cried at home when I was forced to take a mid day bath for therapy purposes. See he's not the ONLY one who doesn't want him to go!!!  The problem with this little scenario is that I don't want him to go as much as he doesn't want to go. But then I came to my senses realizing, sadly, that there's no going back.  This is for real.  He's in school now.  Reality.  Life.  So after school I told Peter that if he could go into school with a quick hug and a kiss, I would reward him in 1 week with a lunch date to Culver's.  He asked if he could get a root bear float.  I said "yes" and he said "okay".

So that worked.  He is going in just fine.  Not running in but also not hanging his head. Culver's can cure all things.  And I guess I'll be okay too.  Well let's be honest, the verdict is still out on that one!

Out of focus

It's no secret that my ability to focus on more than a few things at one time is a continuous challenge for me.  So it should be no secret that my diet, which take extreme focus, has suffered at the hands of a busy schedule.  Here is a list of the foods I ate on Friday as I was chasing satisfaction...which was sadly never found.

Kashi granola bar
single scoop of Culver's Flavor of the Day
3 slices of turkey deli meat
soy ice cream bar
chips and salsa
turkey/mozzarella melted English muffin
bowl of frosted mini wheats
wheat things w/ yes, more cheese

All of these foods were consumed after 3:00.  PM.  SICK. I know it's sick.  I just was searching like crazy for some kind of need to be met.  I should have just gone to Old Country Buffet.  I should have just admitted that the "kashi" and "soy" and "wheat" were all bullshit words that helped me feel better about eating TONS OF CRAP.

So my point is that sometimes we eat like crap and sometimes we don't.  For me, I feel a little better when i don't.  So I'm going to try to do that - eat less crap.