Most of the time I edit my posts. I rewrite. I analzye. I pontificate. Today, I am writing. Logic and reason are taking a back seat to emotion. Which to be honest, is how I roll most of the time anyway.
Prior to having children, I knew that I would LISTEN to my kids. Not let them rule. Not let them sway my decisions. And NOT because I claim no one listened to me growing up. But because I really wanted to KNOW them. I knew that I wanted to get them - hear them. And through all of this getting and hearing, we'd be closer. We'd be a fluid motion of growth. That was always my plan.
But obviously I am the only social worker who lives at my house. I wish someone asked me HALF the questions I ask them. And I'm talking "what's for dinner". I'm talking about "how do you feel?"....."what do you think?". MAYBE kids don't know the answers to these questions (although I did but I've always been emotionally more available than most!). MAYBE kids don't NEED their parents to get and hear. Maybe I wasn't considering that not all people want to share and cry and share and laugh and share and problem solve. I have said "When I ask you these questions, it's not because I care about the answer, it's because I care about your thoughts". Blank stares. Or "When I ask you this, it's not because I'm nosey - I could care less - but it's because I am interested in YOU, not the answer". Frustrated huffs and puffs. So after 13 years of "when I was a kid, I can remember feeling pretty nervous when....." or "I bet it's hard if you have a friend who....", I AM DONE. This morning I retired from Social Worker to the Nicolls. No longer will I ask someone how they feel about a situation. No longer will I entertain what they might possibly be thinking. Enough.
If only these kids knew how lucky they are (and believe me, I spend a lot of time telling them). Some parents NEVER ask. Some parents DO NOT CARE. Some parents rule the roost with no regard to a kid's input. I BEG FOR INPUT. So as luck would have it, their's has run out. This morning I relinquished my role as Emotion Detective. My message to the kids - start a support group, get a journal, jot down some notes, remember to share with your therapist when you're 35 - do what you need to do but don't you dare ever claim your mom didn't care about your thoughts!!!
Signed, exhausted from trying to be nice and caring.
