Harper Jean - A beautiful Irish Girl

When Rob and I first thought about getting a dog we did a lot of research and settled in on an Irish Terrier. We honeymooned in Ireland, loved Ireland and thought the breed was the perfect size and of course, beautiful.  Through the Irish Terrier Rescue we hooked up with this guy Ross in Richmond, Illinois who was fostering an Irish boy named Sarge.  Sarge was two years old but for some reason, we felt like Sarge wasn't our dog.  A couple of weeks later, Memorial Day weekend 1999, Ross called to say he had someone special and unexpected....a baby girl who was 12 weeks old.  This pup was from Canada and was promised to some man when the breeder found out he lied on his application about having a yard so she wanted to get her out of the country right after she was born.  Ross and the breeder were friends from the Irish Terrier world.  So we drove up to Richmond and walked in this big room and Ross unlatched this puppy's crate and out she ran right to us.  She had these long legs and wasn't super steady and reminded us of Bambi.  I don't think we thought 2 seconds about it. She was our's!  We name her Harper after the Irish beer Harp. I can remember that drive home so clearly.  I sat in the back seat with her and had absolutely no idea what to do.  She was a terrier and a puppy which meant she was a mighty force but also so mind-blowingly adorable.

10 months later Maeve was born and 18 months after that Lily was born. I am not going to sugar coat it, the first few years with the crew was tough.  I am quite confident that if Rob would have allowed for it, Harper would be living with another family.  Those years of 3 babies were trying and I can remember my desperation with Harper and the digging, racing through my house with dirty paws, refusing to come in during zero degree weather AND not allowing me to catch her.  She was all rascal and Mama was tired.  BUT when she turned about 4, that all subsided and she was a wonderful girl.  She was never one for games like catch but she always wanted to be WITH us.  For the last 15 years, well maybe not this past year, but all of the others she would follow us everywhere  - every single step I took, she'd take.  If I turned, she turned.  She just loved to be with us.  Harper couldn't be trusted off leash - if she got out of the yard, she was GONE.  But in the last several years, I never even worried if I discovered she was gone because she always went to the same places and they all knew to bring her right back home.  Harper loved the warm fire, the hunt of a squirrel, a good treat, a long walk and the sunshine.  Some of my favorite memories are seeing her sprawled out on our deck basking in the sun.

Harper was a quiet, loyal, beautiful soul.  She really was a unique girl...just a lovely majestic creature really.  On February 21st, Harper turned 15.  We have all been so proud of her growing old and LOVED boasting to strangers saying "she's 13!".   A couple of years ago, while Rob had her on a walk, someone thought she was a puppy she looked so good.  But a few days ago we noticed that she wasn't quite herself.  Yes slow and yes sleepy - as she's been for a couple of years.  But now it seemed she wasn't greeting Rob when he got home and she wasn't really eating and her sweet legs were so weak.  So after a blood test, the vet called to say she was in kidney failure.  When your dog is 15 years old, you know the time will come.  But still, for some impossible reason, it's as shocking as any news could be. To think that the first thing that Rob and I loved together could leave us seemed a near impossibility.  It seemed MORE then 15 years ago actually....a lifetime ago. It was a lifetime ago I sat in the backseat with her - so excited for the life ahead of me...of marriage, a new house and then this gorgeous creature Harper.  I never fast forwarded to this moment.  The moment she grows so old and sweet and after years of loving our family of 5, needs to go to rest.  But here I sit trying to get a handle on the sadness.  Impossible.  We told the kids last night and each one "got it" in their own way...first Lily, then Maeve and after a few minutes, Peter. Watching their hearts catch up to their heads while taking in this sad part of life is a bit much for a parent.  It was difficult enough for me to personally take it all in and I am all grown up.  I kept telling them that she'll be happy and pain free and chasing rabbits.  We were the luckiest to have her so long and to have her so healthy.  We were the luckiest that she loved us back.  

So today we drove to the vet and I sat in the back seat with her just like 15 years ago and we were both so different.  She was calm and quiet and tired and I was sad and sentimental and thankful.  Thankful that the dreams I had when we drove home 15 years ago came true. So I held her as she drifted off to sleep and her whole being seemed so much lighter and more peaceful.  I looked in her eyes and I told her what I've told her every day of her life.....what a beautiful girl, the most beautiful girl in the world, no one is prettier than you.

Rest in peace Irish girl...

Five Months Later!

It's been 5 months since I've blogged.  As time goes on, it seems that I could only blog again if I had some brilliant insights into life's mysteries.  Well, I don't.  But I think it's time to write again...so here goes.

The Fall was a stressful time for us....we were in the midst of a big house project (chaos/mess/decisions/people in and out of the house/did I mention MESS?), kids back in school, busy work life for me, busy extra-curricular for the girls, my Mom had a surgery and then I had a big car accident.  I don't want to over dramatize this - no one was hurt...it was just a car accident. The only real way I can describe the car accident, and this realization came only in retrospect (as all good lessons learned do) is like this....  Leading up to the car accident I felt like I was walking a tight rope and I KNEW I'd never make it across unscathed but I kept on walking instead of just getting off or getting more help.  And when you are IN life like that - hamster on the wheel - everything goes...You eat like crap, forget vitamins, sleep too little or too much.... The car accident just pushed me off that tight rope in one horrific second.  The good thing about things like car accidents or illnesses or maybe job loss is that all the bullshit washes away and you are left with what's real whether you are ready or not.  For me what was real was that I was BEATING the crap out of myself for hitting that car.  I was SO hard on myself for making a mistake.  Still, 4 months later, I have no idea WHY I'm like that.  I felt such shame and embarrassment and fear.  I had to take some time to get my shit together!  

Everyone says "slow down".  I have truly never understood how to do that.  I PREACH slow down to myself and to my friends and I had zero understanding of how to implement that.  It's not like I was some high profile corporate attorney traveling for work and in between training for marathons.  I was just living life....if just living life is too much then man, I'm in trouble.  So I knew that either I continued mindlessly navigating each day with anxiety and stress and texts about who's driving to school OR I took some time to actually figure this out.

I basically concluded that I couldn't slow down life.  My kids have to get to school.  They have to do homework.  They have to get to ballet.  I have to show houses and go to closings.  I have to make dinner and grocery shop.  This is life.  SO....I decided I would slow down my brain.  FOR ME, this has the miracle light bulb moment of my life b/c my brain is busier than a high profile corporate atty.  My brain feels responsible for every little thing under the sun.  But I knew that as much as my brain was in constant motion, I was being completely mindless at the same time.

SO...I started doing ONE THING AT A TIME.  I typically reverse out of my garage AND put my seat belt on AND reach for the clicker to close the garage door.  I put a stop to stuff like this. I just did one thing.  And I said it out loud.   You are backing out of the garage....that is the ONE thing you are doing.  If I felt myself reach for my phone or my seat belt or anything else I made myself STOP and breathe and start over.  It started to work.  I really started to only think about one thing.... You are driving to work.  You are making dinner (not making dinner, reading texts, watching Friends, checking homework). You are reading a book. 

I also started to write out my day ahead of time...assign time to things instead of some vast list of things to do..it really helped see the day and manage the time a lot better.

I also started reading a ton more.  I think reading really helped my brain slow down because you are just reading - thinking of one thing and for me, it was the escape I needed.

So here I sit, months later, better equipped to manage my own head spinning chaos brought on by not only life but by my self.  Of course, not perfectly...but certainly better than last Fall.