It's been 5 months since I've blogged. As time goes on, it seems that I could only blog again if I had some brilliant insights into life's mysteries. Well, I don't. But I think it's time to write again...so here goes.
The Fall was a stressful time for us....we were in the midst of a big house project (chaos/mess/decisions/people in and out of the house/did I mention MESS?), kids back in school, busy work life for me, busy extra-curricular for the girls, my Mom had a surgery and then I had a big car accident. I don't want to over dramatize this - no one was hurt...it was just a car accident. The only real way I can describe the car accident, and this realization came only in retrospect (as all good lessons learned do) is like this.... Leading up to the car accident I felt like I was walking a tight rope and I KNEW I'd never make it across unscathed but I kept on walking instead of just getting off or getting more help. And when you are IN life like that - hamster on the wheel - everything goes...You eat like crap, forget vitamins, sleep too little or too much.... The car accident just pushed me off that tight rope in one horrific second. The good thing about things like car accidents or illnesses or maybe job loss is that all the bullshit washes away and you are left with what's real whether you are ready or not. For me what was real was that I was BEATING the crap out of myself for hitting that car. I was SO hard on myself for making a mistake. Still, 4 months later, I have no idea WHY I'm like that. I felt such shame and embarrassment and fear. I had to take some time to get my shit together!
Everyone says "slow down". I have truly never understood how to do that. I PREACH slow down to myself and to my friends and I had zero understanding of how to implement that. It's not like I was some high profile corporate attorney traveling for work and in between training for marathons. I was just living life....if just living life is too much then man, I'm in trouble. So I knew that either I continued mindlessly navigating each day with anxiety and stress and texts about who's driving to school OR I took some time to actually figure this out.
I basically concluded that I couldn't slow down life. My kids have to get to school. They have to do homework. They have to get to ballet. I have to show houses and go to closings. I have to make dinner and grocery shop. This is life. SO....I decided I would slow down my brain. FOR ME, this has the miracle light bulb moment of my life b/c my brain is busier than a high profile corporate atty. My brain feels responsible for every little thing under the sun. But I knew that as much as my brain was in constant motion, I was being completely mindless at the same time.
SO...I started doing ONE THING AT A TIME. I typically reverse out of my garage AND put my seat belt on AND reach for the clicker to close the garage door. I put a stop to stuff like this. I just did one thing. And I said it out loud. You are backing out of the garage....that is the ONE thing you are doing. If I felt myself reach for my phone or my seat belt or anything else I made myself STOP and breathe and start over. It started to work. I really started to only think about one thing.... You are driving to work. You are making dinner (not making dinner, reading texts, watching Friends, checking homework). You are reading a book.
I also started to write out my day ahead of time...assign time to things instead of some vast list of things to do..it really helped see the day and manage the time a lot better.
I also started reading a ton more. I think reading really helped my brain slow down because you are just reading - thinking of one thing and for me, it was the escape I needed.
So here I sit, months later, better equipped to manage my own head spinning chaos brought on by not only life but by my self. Of course, not perfectly...but certainly better than last Fall.
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