Being sentimental!

And I know I am far more philosophical than most. But when I am amongst the world, i often look around and think about my place in it. And my place or relationships with people. It does help shape my vision for myself and how I want to live. This Thanksgiving has been no different. I have really learned more about myself this Thanksgiving than ever. For one, I miss my Grandma. I really miss our Thanksgivings at her house. Some of my most fond memories of any holiday are htose Thanksgivings. Something very special was alive during those years in Nashville. And as lucky as I am to have had them, I feel super sad I will never have them again. And I think it goes beyond that it was just that I was younger and so much less responsibilities. I think it was a gathering of like minds. A gathering of true family love. Love for each other and love for Grandma and love for Nashville. Sometimes it just hits you and this year it did.
So what do I miss about it? Everything. The drive into Nashville. The excitement I felt when I pass Aunt Julia's house and know I am almost there. The sounds of the gravel road under my car as I turn to my Grandparent's. The anticipation of who is already here...who's car will I see. The sound of her door opening and the smell of Grandma's house. The great hug she can give only around my waist b/c she is so little and hearing her say "little julie sanders". And then the hugs to follow from everyone who is there. Are my parents here yet? Is my brother here? Where is Jeananne? The second question after "how are you Grandma" I would ask for 20 years..."is Jeananne here yet?". Then the rest is just whip cream on top. The food. The laughter and many inside jokes that only us Roses would understand. The walks. The coffee. The shopping. Hearts. IU basketball. A game of pool. All of it.
Now, for a while, I felt so sad that I couldn't give this same experience to my kids. But I think they have it. They have it here. The same things but here. It's just not my Thanksgiving. It's theirs. I feel sad that mine is kind of over. That is growing up. Seeing yourself in the world but feeling a bit out of place. Much like the theme of one of my favorite books The Middle Place. I am really there. I am in the middle place for sure. Certainly not a kid anymore but from time to time, I really miss what I had when I was one!

Back together

Last night Peter stayed in his room - for the most part. He actually did come down a couple of times but ran right back up there. Today he slept until 7:40. YAY. I am a new woman. I am back in love w/ Peter Nicoll. We had our usual snug fest of love and I didn't have feelings of "what the hell are you doing up??".
Went to a closing yesterday and had to bring all 3 children. Yes, I marched into a Title Company with 3 children. Who does this? I couldn't find a sitter so it had to happen. We had already been having a really shitty day and then that just topped it for me. BUT, when we walked in, the people who work there couldn't be nicer. They gave them their own conference room and crayons and papers. How sweet is that. So that really turned my day around.
Now, I have one more closing this year. So I had a pretty good year. But I did something for the sale that closed yesterday that I say time after time, I will never do again - but I did. And that is reduce commission. It's tough b/c we still have to pay PFR the full amount - as if we didn't reduce commission. SO what that boils down to is me receiving about 1.5%. Better than 0% yes, but it's never fun to see that check be so much less than it should. Now, in this case, I absolutely wouldn't have gotten the listing unless I reduced commission. And I wanted the listing. Sometimes I am happy to pass on the listing but this one I wanted. So all in all, I am glad I did it but it stings on pay day.
Today I am bound and determined to be production. I have been fairly negative these last couple of days but today, I am going to take care of business. First I am taking Peter to the Play Place as a reward for doing a good job last night going to bed. Then off to Borders and The Gap. I have to clean the basement. Really clean the basement. Make a plan for my cooking. TCB.

And lastly, thanks for reading my blog. You have no idea how thankful I am that I both have my blog and people read it. I love getting emails from people saying that liked the blog or could connect with the stories. When I was out my computer last week, it was tough. I really count on my blog as a place to GET IT OUT.

Alone time

I learned a long time ago that I was less than a good parent if I started my day to awake children. Or started my day AWOKEN by children. I figured out that I MUST get up before them. I must. And for the most part, that has been pretty simple to do b/c my children are good sleepers. They go to bed when I say, they napped when I said and they generally have woken up around 7-8:00. Now there have been phases when this is not true. There was a time when Lily woke up at like 5:00 am....I don't remember how long that lasted but I think she was about 2 years old. There are also times when they have trouble sleeping so they come to me in the night, "I can't sleep".
But right now, my sweet son is making me a crazy person. I had a perfect thing going ever since school started. I woke up at 6 or 6:30, made my coffee, did emails or watched the news. I took a shower and in general, was totally ready for the day. But now this child is not only NOT staying in his bed at night which translates to him not sleeping until 10:00pm, he is waking up on MY TIME. I can't take it. As it's been made clear, I am truly in love with Peter. I adore his every move. But I can NOT tolerate anyone creeping in on my time. I know myself VERY well. I know that I function well when I protect my boundaries. The next thing I know, he's going to not nap and take my Oprah time from me. AHAHHHHHHHHH! Can you hear me screaming? PROTECT OPRAH AT ALL COSTS!!!
Today he was up before me. So I started the day w/ a big UGH feeling. Then he sang through the news, talked SO loudly to me, bumped my hot coffee several times, asked me a million questions. Then i took a shower. He came in and out of the bathroom allowing much cold air to come in. He dropped cars on hard floors making crashing noises. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS.
I am a person of peace. It's my ultimate goal every day in every situation. I need peace. I would LOVE quiet but at least, I need some level of peace. And I get a little peace each morning, again for an hour in the afternoon and then after the kids go to bed - so around 8:30. But after the kids go to bed, I am DONE so nothing can be accomplished. So I really really COUNT on my morning.
Anyway, Peter is at school and the girls are here. They aren't in school this week so that probably adds to my level of concern re. my "alone" time. But I will dig deep, drink more coffee and be fresh and alert for my 1:00 closing!

NO time

Well I would LOVE to blog right now. I haven't had my computer in 5 days. I have a million thoughts that have been kept captive in my brain. Like, how I have had a renewed real estate spirit b/c of some perfect clients I have had this month. And how PROUD I am of my girls' report cards. And how irritated I am that PEter wakes up when I do at 6:30 leaving zero time to "wake up". But alas, I am super tired and must brush teeth and go to bed. I will blog tomorrow - with NEW energy. I love my computer - it's back. I'm back.

Unlucky but laughing...

Well I have had a pretty unlucky shitty go of it these past couple of days. But to be honest - just laughed my ass off. Here's why!
I found a tape I made a LONG TIME AGO - I think before I even met Rob - a mix tape of all of my faves. So I haven't listed to this tape in a million years so I put it in here at the office. Then all of a sudden in the middle of a song, I hear sports radio. Then I hear MY voice. So I remembered that when I was BIG and pregnant with Lily, Rob took Maeve away for the day and I got Lily's nursery ready. So, I obviously had this tape in the CD player but was listening to sports radio and then decided to call in - to weigh in on some big important sports issue. So it's me calling asking "when is IU going to get some respect". SO FUNNY. Seriously, I am still laughing at how SERIOUS I am talking to Silvy - yes Mark Silverman who is still on ESPN 1000. But what is even funnier is that I was seconds from calling ESPN TODAY to weigh in on why Tubby Smith won't take the Bob Kostas interview. So not much as really changed. Well, my passion for my beloved Hoosiers has waned due to isolation (no Hoosiers in my land) and to be honest, horrible play. ANYWAY - what a crazy thing that was to hear my voice. Wipes out a bunch of crap. Plus it helps that I am at work drinking a Miller Light...great place to work.

So - the crown of my root canal just crumbled, we lost all of our data on our computer, Peter and his friend Nora damaged the bow to Maeve's viola, I am dealing w/ New Year's Eve Party controversy (and HEY - I am VOLUNTEERING for that people!)
So all in all - these things happen right. Still breathing. Still kickin'. Might be kickin' someone's ass soon but at least I am still kickin!

Day to day sistas

Well, never a dull moment.
Today, right when i thought that taking "the pill" - Lo-estrin, had wiped out all signs of PMS, a raging headache came my way. But I guess that's not SO bad if all other symptoms are drastically diminished. And by symptoms I mean the over powering desire to rip someone's head off.
Then this evening, Peter crashed his sweet little noggin into the corner of a post in the basement and has a big goose egg. I handled it like I do most things that have to do with him. First I wanted to cry, then I got it together and helped him, then I cried. But in the end, I think he's fine.
Had quite a hiccup w/ the New Year's Eve Family Bash that I am planning - but after many calls/emails/consult, the crisis was diverted and I felt relieved. Exhausted but relieved.
And the gray skies coupled w/ the headache, I found myself eating a Peanut Butter and brown sugar sandwich. Now, that's not really NOT a carb. But I made up for it w/ my dandelion tea and veggie omelette for dinner.
And finally, I continue to have the worse anxiety dreams. Even though I am drinking a "Calm" magnesium drink AND taking a cortisol manager. Last night I dreamt that I was at the Picket Fence Christmas party but totally forgot my grab bag gift. So I left the party to go to Target really quickly but was lost or driving on lawns or running or making up excuses to my grab bag partner why I didn't have the gift. CRAZY MAKING BUSINESS.
But after all the lows - cracked skulls and all, there were some highs.
Lily finished a Helen Keller book and she is beaming with pride as reading is still a bit tough for her. Peter got a handsome new hair cut for the Holidays since his depression era lice hair cut had grown into quite a mess. And now all are tucked into bed and Rob and I are going to watch Mad Men.

Dedicated to my friend Stef...

This blog is dedicated to my friend Stef who, after 20 years as a big time professional, is considering staying home with her boys!!!
Well, this morning I got to experience what most working moms go through on a continuous basis. Now, calling me a "working mom" is a stretch b/c I do only work part and my schedule is very flexible and mostly controlled by me. However, every once in a while, I have work things planned and a child of mine is sick. It's a horrible feeling...do I cancel? Will my clients be disappointed? When the hell else am going to to be able to reschedule? Is there anyone who can sit here w/ them while I go ahead and have this meeting?

Now, Dads simply go to work.

I understand why. They are the main contributors to many families' income. Well, for some families that is - I am quite sure that even when moms make the same bucks, they still have the job of morning detail and sick kid watch. But in our house - Daddy brings home the bacon.
So this morning, Lily wakes up crying b/c her ear hurts. This isn't new. It's been hurting. 2 DRS have looked and she does not have an ear infection. So at this point, I don't know what else to do. I take her temp - which was fine -and give her Motrin for the pain. I was up early b/c I had 5 showings scheduled for the morning in a different town. So I am focused and busy. Rob is still home while I jump in the shower. When I get out Lily is worse; she is back in bed. She said Daddy put her back to bed to rest and he also left for work.
On no! What if she is really really sick. Holy shit...my clients are on a time crunch, they have to buy something soon. I really can't show again until Thursday - damn-it, Thursday is when I was going to buy some really kick ass shirt to wear to a party this Friday. Damn.
But wait a minute - Rob Nicoll knew i had these showings but off he strolled. I say this to not disparage my husband b/c he is right to stroll off - we need him to keep his job and make the cash. But my point is that one thing mothers give up that father's don't entirely give up, is freedom.
Here is a summary of what has to happen for me to do anything - work related or otherwise. I must first find a sitter. Should be someone else who has a child so Peter can play and whose child isn't taking a nap at that time. Then I have to bring child to sitter. Then hope that the sitter's child isn't sick or that my own child doesn't become sick. I must drop him off, hurry up and get busy b/c I have to definitely be done doing whatever I am going by 3:30 to get the girls. Unless I find them their own sitter. But that sitter would also have to go to Fairview and be able to fit them in their car. But that might buy me some time. But shit, they have ballet at 4:00, so that isn't really much extra time. Unless that sitter also has a child who is in their ballet class.
I think I have made my point. But to make it further, I will illustrate for you how my morning continued to develop.
Lily started feeling better and I knew it was okay for her to go to school. Kick ass. So we are all packed up to head out the door. No wait, we aren't. We need gloves and a water bottle. Okay. We are really ready. So we drive over the tracks to go to St. Marks. Drop Peter and then off we go to cross the tracks back again to bring girls to Fairview. Then I run into my office to do 3 things...don't forget all 3 things. I am right on time!! Hooray. I then drive into Des Plaines. I don't really know Des Plaines like the back of my hand or anything so I drive around a bit to make SURE I know what I am doing once I am w/ my clients. Then I stop at Remax to pick up some keys. No parking. I illegally park and run. Then I meet my clients. Showings go well but I am aware that I need to hurry us along b/c Peter must be picked up at 11:15. So we wrap things up, I drop my clients back at their car, double park my car w/ the hazard light on to run keys back into Remax and head back to MP. And I made it. I really made it.
So, my hat goes off to all "working out of the house" moms. I only have the dilemmas in small doses and it's enough to make me want to drink by 10 am. So Stef - guess what will happen when you quit work? The next time either boy is sick, you can say "kick ass, no worries. We are just going to snuggle in - I don't have to cancel or reschedule a thing". It's the greatest gift of staying home.

Want to do it all...

I have a big problem wanting to do it all...I want to go to Disney World again - w/ the family and again w/ my mom. I want to go out West and see the mountains and snow and have Rob teach the kids to ski. I want to rent a cottage in Brown County, Indiana. I want to have a condo in the city for weekend jaunts. I want to book a water park winter get-away. I would love to rent a house on the beach for about a month next summer. I mean, why not. I would love to go to the Carolinas. I think a trip to Canada would be great and I even researched a trip to Ireland as a family. I seriously want to travel 24/7. The problem is there is just so much to do that we haven't done and so much that we have done but that I LOVE so much I want to do again. The other problem is we have no money for such fabulous travel ideas.

ON a totally different note, why does it bother me that Rob sleeps through every movie. I shouldn't even care. I know that. But it makes me crazy to look over during the movie and see him sleeping. And during GOOD parts. During exciting parts. I realize that it takes major medication to get me to fall asleep at all, but come on. The funniest part comes when I ask if he liked the movie and he actually weighs in. AS IF!!!

And lastly, on another totally different note, my goal for the Holidays is to truly enjoy the spirit of Christmas. I try every single year to do this but this year, I am bound and determined. It will be quite challenging to do the fun/festive things I want to do AND sit back and relax, But that is my goal.

Okay - now really LASTLY. How can Maeve "forget" to practice Viola but remember that she is supposed to be on Webkinz w/ a friend online. How can she manage to have enough energy for a birthday party but is totally wiped out for piano. CAN play. CAN'T put clothes away. CAN watch TV. CAN'T empty the dishwasher. CAN eat Halloween candy. CAN'T eat dinner. Interesting. Her capabilities are so diverse.

Continued

Well, the week has gone fairly well. I say that even though I just ate 2 Snickerdoodles. However, I am not going to let that discourage me. They were home made - warm - and unbelievable. Worth it? I am not sure yet.
I am loving this Friday - the kids are happy and I built a fire and am even IN THE ROOM while they watch Wizards of Waverly Place and I just despise Disney Channel.
Also - worth noting, I am now taking "the pill". Like many, I was/am experiencing increased PMS w/ age...and worse periods. So my DR suggested the pill. This is the end of month 2 - the jury is out. I will know more next week. I am SO hoping the PMS is better - as is Rob, I am sure.
My girls are SO excited b/c my friend Kristi is here...they are ON HER. The poor girl can barely make a move without their attention. It's fun to see them show off their talents to her.
OH MY - I just HAVE to go to bed and it's only 7:45. I hate these dark days that follow long nights of shitty sleep and lead into long busy work days.

Update

Well, I have done really well tdoay. So far, so good. I drank lots of water, took my B12, ate really well, never ate candy, ran up to the 3rd floor of the Village Hall instead of taking the elevator and did the same at the libary and even drank the dandelion tea.

I really really want some candy. I really would love a Snickers. But so far, so good.

I must admit that I had 2 bites of Peter's hot dog tonight and it was damn good.

Motivated

Well I have to admit to a few things...one is that I would blog more if typing weren't such a pain in the arse for me...I am a horrible typist.
The other is that I think I am ready to get back motivated. I have shared in my blogs my lack of motivation to get this body into shape. Well I just may have bottomed out yesterday. I had a spat w/ Maeve that just sucked the life out of me. So to get over that, I ate about 1/2 a bag of Vinegar and Salt chips and watched a DVR'd episode of Friends....( I DVR Friends b/c it's a show that just brings me 30 minutes of joy and I am in a really good part of friends when Rachel and Ross break up....ahh, those were the days right?). Anyway, I did feel better afterwards - my brain was sufficiently numbed and I was able to move forward. For about an hour. Then the crash came - my stomach, my teeth and suddenly I was in a coma. I basically slept from 7:30 on only after having a bowl of cereal as a follow up for the chips as a dinner. YUCK. And normally, chips aren't my thing. It would be much more typical if I were to eat 1/2 a container of ice cream. So I think that is exactly why my body shut down - just not used to salt. Definitely used to sugar but not salt.
So I woke up today a little before 6:00 feeling so much better. Ready to get going...for the first time in months I actually think I am ready to LOOK at being healthier. Plus, I shared a bunhc of my good vitamins and other herbal stuff w/ a friend yesterday and as I was making her a little gift bag, I thought to myself "why don't YOU follow this regimen better?". Lazy.
So, putting that all together, I think I am truly ready so stay tuned. My brain KNOWS what to do so we will see how much willpower I have. Well, we know i have zero willpower so let me rephrase that...We will see how focused I can stay.
Good bye Halloween candy. Good bye ice cream. Hello water. Hello vitamins.
In the meantime, on the way to my newly inspired motivation, my children are driving me totally crazy. I want to shove them out the door. M and L fight so much there is no break...oh wait, a break, it's quiet - it's a miracle. They just go on and on with each other until I am ready to just blow up. So I just quietly walked into the kitchen, took their HUGE bags of candy out of the pantry and took it away. Of course, it's "unfair" and I "don't listen to anything" and I "blame everyone for things that are Lily's fault' and "nothing in this house is fair" and "maeve called me mean" and cry cry cry and pout pout pout and blame blame blame. You know what I think...I think they should all ZIP IT.

Tired but good

Well I have to say I am way tired. I know why. All week Peter has had a really hard time sleepign alone. And we all know, I am a sucker. I hate seeing him sad. So, I have sacrficed good sleep for good love. And I am not kidding. That child is a LOVE BUG. Who would dare to say no to him? You know what you get? Spontaneous hugs and kisses. Whispers of I love you. So that is all the good stuff. The negative side is that I sleep like shit. So, I am tired but well loved. I guess I will take that every time.
He is currently buttering me up for another night by telling me he "likes" my snoring.
Tomorrow I get to be the Realtor I want to be. Tomorrow I am working with a Lincoln Park couple who is moving to the burbs. This is my favorite job in real estate - selling MP or AH to the very same couple we were 11 years ago. So months of listings and investors, alas, I get a good gig in real estate.
Saw Mitch Album tonight on Chicago Tonight. He said something I really loved - he was quoting someone else so I am not sure, as I was half listening, who originally said it but it was in response to a question he asked of the person and their happiness. The person said "be thankful for what God gave you. Be satisfied and be content with what God gave you.". I really liked it.