Church

I wonder what has kept me from church for so long. Besides laziness and the need for DOWN time, I think it's been my reluctance to believe all that is, what I thought, required of someone to be a participant in church. But something just keeps calling me back over and over to get this church thing going. I am sure some of it is that I was raised in church. My mom worked at our church and it was a very big influence in my life. We were there a lot. When I was in 8th grade, my mom quit her job and we had to start going to a new church. I think starting something new when you are 13 and 14 years old, is not the easiest thing to do. I was painfully self conscience and that ruled my emotions while I was there. I did, however, join the 9th graders in becoming "members" of the church and I did sing in the choir. But I could never shake the "I don't belong here" feeling. But that experience helped me SO much b/c 4 years later, I would have those same emotions when I started college. And somehow, I got to a "I DO belong here" place.

So I have definitely not wanted my kids to miss the experience of "church". I know they are not missing the "God" experience b/c I have always had that as part of our life but I have failed to make church a part of our life. And it's up to me b/c Rob Nicoll is not going to sit us all down and say "okay Nicolls, we need to commit to church". He will go if I tell him to go but he's not going to spear-head the effort. He was not raised in church so he's never been sold the value. So I know that it's definitely up to me and when Sunday morning comes, I want NOTHING up to me let alone getting 5 people dressed (again!) and ready for church. BUT - saying that, I have really enjoyed the last 2 months of singing in church. I have not just loved the singing but also the whole thing - the process, the prayers, the minister, the feeling of "I just did a good thing". So soon all Nicolls will be attending church. And I am guessing there will be a few in my clan who might have the "I don't belong here" feelings but this won't be the last time in life that those feelings will come a knocking! So maybe this experience will serve everyone well! I hope so!!

Just a little more time...

I wish that I could just freeze time. I don't really need my kids to grow another inch or be a little older, at least for a while. When I was little I used to wonder if there was a way puppies and kittens could STAY babies. And I am sure I thought the same thing every time my kids were babies..."if only they could stay this little". But then I would miss out on all the funny things they would say or the interesting ways they became them. And now I can barely remember Maeve's voice at 4 or the funny things Lily would say when she learned how to talk - she has the best voice. I can't even begin to comprehend that Lily was Peter's age when I was pregnant with him. He is SUCH a baby and she seemed so big. But was she? It's just all going way too fast. I don't want them to stay their ages forever, but I would LOVE time to just freeze for a while. Just give me a little more time with 3, 8 and 10. In fact, I just lost 9. 9 vanished away so quickly that some day people will ask me, "what was Maeve like at 9?" and I bet I won't remember. I try to take good notes and video them talking but still it's not enough. Soon, I will have to say good-bye to 3. My baby will be 4. It's blowing by me so fast that I can't keep up. I can't keep up the memories. That's my greatest fear. What more will I forget? Who's going to remember all of this? Who will remember that Maeve was 9 she was patient as a saint with her siblings and when she had something important to tell you, she spoke so quietly you could barely hear her? And who will remember that when Lily get's really serious she barely moves her lips when she talks - it's so cute, I almost laugh b/c she is trying desperately to be serious. Really who can ever forget that Peter says "I'm getting out of here" when he's being disciplined or that he holds my cheeks for kisses and begs you to go to the bathroom with him but then upon entering, he asks for "privacy" - EVERY TIME! I am just so afraid I will forget. And more than forgetting, I guess I am just really sad that I will miss them. I will miss them at 3, 8 and 9. So I am just asking for a little more time. More time for pictures, video, long talks, special trips. More time for them to figure out how to be 8 before 9 is staring them in the face. More time for them to be free of life's worries. More time for me to get them to eat better and go to church.
Just a little more time....

It would be so much easier...

It would be so much easier if people just "got it". It's so easy, it really is. I say "don't do that or you can do this". Simple, right? Wrong. Rebel, bitch, moan, complain, cry, rebel some more and what do you get? You get "well now you can't do this". And then the worst part comes from their shock. "WWHHAATT???? I can't do that? You are so mean?". No, I am not mean. I simply said "if you do that, you can't do this and you chose to do that, which means you can't do this." So simple. So ridiculously simple. Somehow, every other day, we butt up against total ridiculousness. I can barely even type about it b/c it's so beyond stupid. And STILL this person is her in room, crying and bawling at the great injustices of life. Really? I can barely listen. Why can't we just go like this..."hey, if you do that, you can't do this". "Oh, okay. I really really want to watch American Idol so I certainly won't scream at grown ups". Great! Perfect. Simple.

But the same goes for work. People often just don't "get it". Another agent that I work and I keep laughing about how sick we are of our own voices b/c we say the same stuff over and over that even we get sick of it.

So all of this got me thinking - is there something that I don't get? I can't think of anything but I am sure there is something I don't just "get". I guess this is what I don't get. I don't get ridiculousness.

Beat it kid!

So today Peter flipped a lid b/c Lily unbuckled him (per my request) instead of me. So I am in front of St. Mark's coaxing him out of the car b/c I not only have to get him in, I have to get the girls over to Fairview and get me to my hair appt. asap (a girl has her priorities!). So I go the length of putting him back in the seat and re-buckling him and then unbuckling him again. That wasn't good enough. Cry, cry, cry - refusal to leave car. I say "what about snack? What about show-n-tell? Nora, cookies, playing??? What about me getting the girls to Fairview on time? What about the play doh, the loft and the block room?". After I used every possible motivation to move it, I pulled him out myself. The kid flipped out. Then he refused to take his coat off. So I explain to the teachers what has upset him so much - that lily unbuckled him instead of me. I mean, this is totally rational and of course, completely normal. We all laugh and one of the teachers had to PULL HIM OFF OF ME. Usually, I am so sympathetic to any pain he might have and as you may recall, the last time he did this when I forgot his backpack, even I got a little teary. NOT TODAY. This was beyond ridiculous. So i just walked out and wished the teachers good luck.
So, on to Fairview. I pull up and say "you guys will be excited - I made ham and cheese today instead of PBJ's". Maeve said "did you put mayo on it?". I proudly say "yep". She runs off in joy. Then lily asked the same thing and again, with such pride that I remembered that lily does NOT like mayo, I say "nope". She said "WHAT???? I LOVE MAYO". You do? Does she? I have no idea who likes what in this family. So I say"don't worry, you will still like it". She replies w/ "no I won't". So I say "I guess you won't". I closed the door and mumbled "beat it kid" to myself. I mean, seriously, I have a hair appointment.