Approaching 44..

In May, I will be 44. Holy shit - 44. I am still a girl. I still run around in a pony tail, listening to current music, cussing far more than I should and I still rap to my kids all day. Sometimes I am more 24 than I am 44. For the most part, I've been in good spirits in my 40's...give or take some shitty days, career ups and downs and challenging phases. Reflecting back on when the girls were born is both difficult because I don't remember a lot of it but also because it wasn't my best time in life. Which is sad. I wrestled with "mom identity" far more than I ever thought I would. I thought I was BORN to be a Mom and wife. The reality is that disappointing yourself is way harder than it sounds. I wished I enjoyed it more - had more fun, took it less seriously, wasn't as bored, and I definitely wish I was WAY less tense! Nonetheless, that's all way better and has been for years. I credit Mt. Prospect, friends, neighbors, prospective and experience for turning that around.

I learned a ton about myself in my 30's. Probably more than my 20's which was FULL of fun, boys and work. When I met Rob, I was 27 and I for sure knew what kind of guy I wanted to date. I knew for sure what kind of girl I was. I knew for sure what I was all about. I really thought I had this whole thing wrapped up. After we had Maeve, I could feel that 20 something girl go away and a whole new person come to light - a MOM. I spent my 30's becoming a Mom. I wish that today I could be a Mom Coach so I could say to new moms- IT'S OKAY. You can admit that watching an infant in a swing can be boring. That meeting other moms at the park can be painful. That nursing in public can be embarrassing. That mom and tot classes are more about you than the tot. That the involvement in family can be aggravating. That being sleep deprived makes you a totally different person. I would say don't be in such a rush to "grow up" and have more babies...take your time, be patient. I would say that loving your baby isn't the same thing as loving parenting. STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP! I would say GET GOOD FRIENDS IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD FIRST. All my good friends lived so far away. I longed to move back to Indy for years...to be with MY people. To feel CONNECTED. If you can feel CONNECTED you are HALF WAY THERE. I wish I could have realized these things.

One thing's for sure, I am glad that I now have the above perspective and experience. Finally in the last couple of years, acceptance. Ahhh, the sigh of relief - the acceptance of NOW who I am as just Julia AND as a mom. NOW I think I've got this thing wrapped up - at least for now. I feel healthier, I've read a lot, I have fun playing, I am thankful for so much, I have hobbies (or obsessions!) and I live a great life. I used to say that 28 was the best year of my life. But I think that 43 just kicked 28's ass.