I will not sugar coat this. I have a horrible tendency to be one of solitude. Not in a "meditative" way but in a "don't bother me" way. With each passing day, I am increasingly starved for quiet and peace. Let me translate - that means NO questions, no interruptions, no requests, no debates, no problems, no papers from school to be signed, no field trip forms to be turned in....
I can become paralyzed with the feeling of "too much". I used to think it was because life was actually too much but lately I am beginning to realize - NOPE, it's ME! I can only manage so much. Why? That's my biggest question - why? What's wrong with me that the request for a sleepover just pushes me over the edge. Is it the actual sleepover? Is it just another question I need to consider? Is it that I am controlling and like my kids to just "be" in the house w/out leaving or others coming in etc. Am I too old? Am I hormonal? Is there something off with my thyroid? Am I Vitamin D deficient? WHAT IS IT??? Am I sick? Do I have a sinus infection? Am I afraid of sleepovers? (The answer to that one is YES!) When I was 27, unmarried and dying to "make house", I pictured myself with a house full of kids - romping around, me happily ordering pizza, baking cookies, the more the merrier....right? That was my vision. Was I just hoping that I would become that. Can I become that? Doubtful.
I have no answer. I wish I was different. I wish I was spontaneous and free wheelin' it. I wish it didn't bother me that Lily is at a friends which means that Maeve has to have a friend come over which means Pete's pissed b/c he doesn't have a friend over. What time can they come? When should they be picked up? Can they stay for dinner? Can I go ask Zach to play? Can I go to Open Gym? Can you drive? All I ever want to say, in a whiny voice to boot, is "I DON'T KNOW!". The problem here is I really don't know but there's no back up here who does know. When I get desperate enough I say "call Daddy and ask him" as if HE knows. He's at WORK for Pete's sake - how the hell can he know? But sometimes I just need another voice to say "yes, that's fine" or "no, that's not going to work".
I sound like a disaster, don't I? SOME days/weeks, I kick ass. I'm the Mom I envisioned. Some days/weeks, I accept that I am NOT the Mom I envisioned and we all have to deal with it. I guess I'll never know why I am so inclined to light candles and play classical musical to combat the natural chaos of running a family. Hopefully my kids aren't too scarred from my inability to truly go-with-the-flow. I do know they know I'm trying. I. Am. Trying. says the girl popping Vitamin D in hopes that, perhaps, that's my real problem.
Yea right.
1 comment:
We are living parallel lives, my friend. I am EXHAUSTED and don't know how I got here or how I'm going to get out. Maybe we just need our cigs, diet coke and readers digest??? Last week I ordered two books...Hope for the Weary Mom and Desperate: for Moms who Just need to Breathe. Sound familiar? There was a third one I wanted: Unglued... the cover had a picture of a lady hiding her head in a garbage can. The library has 4 copies and I'm like 3,469th on the list...so we are not alone. Dang this is hard. I'm so tired of feeling like a failure! It would be fun to live close and share laughter an tears over a glass of wine. But your weather sucks so you'll have to move here ;) xo xo Jen
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