C or a D

I spent some time shopping for a dress to wear to my brother's wedding. The experience was horrific. Clearly, all dresses run small as nothing fit me that should have fit me. The last time there was a clear disconnect between my body and clothing was when I was shopping for something to wear to Rob's 20th class reunion. NOTHING fit that was "supposed" to be my size. I remember if very clearly - I left Woodfield so flipped out that I stopped and got a milk shake to ease the pain that I was no longer wearing a 10. Then when I got home, I did some thinking.....when the hell was I supposed to have my period? Well to make a long story short, I did a pregnancy test and yes indeed, I was pregnant. With Peter. It does go down as one of my most shocking moments of my life but what a great way to come to terms w/ the fact that I wasn't wearing a 10 any more - OH, I am pregnant. Of course....that makes total sense. Phew! This time I've got nothing. I am not pregnant. I am not sick. I don't have a thyroid problem (believe me I have tried and tried to get THAT to be the reason). I don't have mono or chronic fatigue syndrome. All I have it my big ole' self to blame. And that sucks. How many blogs will i Have to write on this subject until I start making a change?
Anyway - moving on. My mom and I decided to go to Nordstroms to get fitted for a bra. You know, they are famous for being able to really get your right size. So we belly up and say "we are ready for new undergarments". Well, I am not even going to go into the fact that we had the craziest humans alive helping us. But what I will share is that she said I am at least a C if not a D. Now, you know me. Flat, fried eggs, pancakes.....I've got nothing. So to say that I am a C or a D, well you can imagine how fast we wanted to run b/c clearly - this lady is crazy. We tried on several bras and it was a painful experience. If you at all want to get a well fitting bra, don't ask for Gayle at Nordstroms.

Life and death

This week a mom in my community passed away from breast cancer. I did know her. She used to be in my babysitting co op. She was diagnosed 3 years ago I think and was cancer free for a period of time. I think for most, the fact that she was sick again, was news. So her passing was for many, a complete shock. It's been too much. My small circle of life knows too many people who have died of cancer. I am only 41 years old and have attended 4 funerals for people who are my age, who have died of cancer. It's too much. Is it more than we were kids? It seems more. It seems like everyone knows someone their own age who has died from cancer. The tragic side to "our age" is that our children are young. Tomorrow, 2 boys who are the exact same ages as Maeve and Lily will attend their own mother's funeral.
Four and a half years ago, I attended a funeral of a mom at our preschool. Devestating. 3 children - just like me. The sadness was unforgettable and even though it was 4 years ago, I can still remember exactly how I felt - which was pure pain for her husband and children. About a year later, I saw this mom's mother at the library with her grandson. I asked how she was and she said "it gets harder instead of easier". I bet it does. I felt so ashamed that I just marched on with my life that Fall...instead of remembering EVERY day to appreciate and love each day. There were days I forgot about it completely. And then here I am with her mother, who never gets to forget. I was so mad at myself for not holding on to that pain long enough to use it - to use it to be better and more loving and more humbled and more thankful.
But we all do get back to living. We drive kids around and bitch about science fair projects and think we are too tired to make dinner. We go on living. But then you get the news again. Someone has died. Shock. And we make that oath to ourselves again - "I will appreciate each day...I will not complain about my body or having a sore back....I will not yell as much....I will make my husband a priority....I will be better". Because we feel so lucky. Could have been me. So I think the only to remember, to honestly remember, is to print the pictures of those we have lost. Put the pictures somewhere you look every day. Look into their eyes and remember. Remember them, their family, the way you felt when you got the news, and all of those promises you made to be better. Because we are lucky and this is our opportunity to share more love for our lives. Some of us need gentle reminders and some of us need a brick to the head....

Nitrous - You should really try it.

Today was my final dentist appointment. In 8 months, I had about 7 cavities filled, a retreatment of a root canal, and fitting for my TMJ night guard. It wasn't cheap but it was all worth it. I faced a major fear of mine - the dentist - all with the help of a little Nitrous Oxide. The best way I can describe Nitrous is to think about how you feel when you have had a few drinks at the best party on the best night of the year. However, now - I have never smoked pot,but I have gleaned throughout the years, that it makes you a tad paranoid. THAT also happens w/ nitrous. So my mind is full of great thoughts but I don't say any of them b/c I am so paranoid of what Dr. Kakos will think. In fact, today I thought "I bet Dr. Kakos thinks I am flirting with him". Now the fact that I am laying back in the dental chair, having dental work done and not speaking at all SHOULD be enough to convince me that he does not perceive any of that as "flirting". But I was so convinced that even when he would ask me how I was doing, I barely would respond. Looking back, it's crazy. But in the moment, it's really real. I think Dr. Kakos and his assistants know everything I am thinking. During my last appointment, Dr. Kakos' accountant stopped in. They had this casual conversation while Dr. Kakos was working on me. I thought this was the funniest thing ever...I must be in a sitcom right now - a Greek DR and a Jewish Accountant - doesn't get any better than this. Later that night, I tried to tell rob about this "hilarious" conversation between Dr. Kakos and hi Jewish accountant. Well - it wasn't hilarious at all. It wasn't even a story. Basically the accountant just stopped and said "hi". Soon I realized I had nothin'. But that is what Nitrous will do to you - everything is a riot. I am pretty sure though, that Dr. Kakos could go home and tell his wife some pretty "hilarious" true stories about his patients thinking that "hi" is the funniest they had ever heard.

Sitting with it...

I honestly do look at most situations in life with "what did we learn". Right now, I am dealing with some challenging work situations. This current situation is making me learn...forcing me to learn something. One thing I am learning is that although I don't back down from conflict, I want it resolved. You can say what you want to say, and I will say what I want to say, but then I want it resolved. So I am learning to "sit with unresolved conflict". VERY tough for me. I am a resolver. But, there is always something to learn in life and I am learning to "sit with it". Makes me super uncomfortable. Will I back down in my beliefs for resolution? Nope. So when a girl won't back down, she better learn to deal with the world NOT being resolved. Unresolved. I am going to blame my astrological sign, the Taurus, entirely for this character trait. We are clear people. We are passionate and opinionated. But we are real resolvers. The whole "bull" thing is bull. We aren't stubborn at all. I know a lot of Taurus (is that Taurai?) and I would say most of us apologize before our significant others ever do. So my point is that we are strong - but clear. Passionate but problem solvers. So to SIT w/ conflict just doesn't work for me. But I don't rule the world so I must learn to adjust. My adjustment this week is clearly one thing - letting the elephant be in the room....whether I am comfy with that or not.

Church

Well, I joined the choir of the First Pres Church of Arlington Heights. I really joined the choir just to sing....but the added benefit is "church". And to be honest, I wasn't really considering that. But for years, I have thought about going back to church. And of course, exposing my kids to the church experience. But year after year, time goes on and it never happened. But for me growing up, church was a HUGE part of my life. My mom worked at our church so I spent a lot of time there. So I feel guilty that the kids haven't had that same opportunity. Maybe now is the time. Even though Rob didn't grow up going to church at all, he said he is willing to "come along". So we will see - again, this one's all on me.
But I did learn something this week at church. For one, I realized that you don't need to "buy it all". I guess I was always hesitant b/c I thought "well, I am not sure I totally believe all of that". But I sat there on Sunday and realized you don't really need to accept it ALL but just the parts that connect with you. If you believe in a higher power and you believe in creating love and peace - that might be just enough. When you sit with the choir, you look at the congregation and as I looked at all of the faces, I thought about why they were all there. I bet some people just go out of habit. Some might go b/c they are struggling in life. Some go to be inspired. Some go out of guilt. But whatever the reason, they all NEED to go. They feel a NEED to be there. My "need" is to sing, find a little peace and to pass down the experience to my kids.

Day to day

I think I have made it abundantly clear that sometimes parenting is really really hard for me. I find the challenges of discipline really difficult and I spend a lot of time in the "holy shit, how's this going to be when you are 15". My mother was a great disciplinarian b/c, in my memory, she was steady eddy. I don't remember seeing a lot of emotion from her during times of discipline. And here's a crazy thought - I actually just did what she said, most of the time. So this whole NOT listening to what I have to say is tough. Especially when I was 8.

In the darkest moments of parenting for me, I don't want to do it. I think I can't. Those darkest moments come when I am functioning at the top of my game and we still have shit going down. I know that I can do NO better than I currently am, AND I know that I STILL have to do it. No matter if I take a bath, take a drive, go to bed early - in the end, I have to "parent" again, whether I am great at it or not.

Let's just cut to the chase - I have a child who can both light up my life and make me want to move into a hotel for week, all in the span of about 3 minutes all day long. So, I manage her. I predict. I reward and entice. I make sure clothes are clean that she likes, that she has play dates each week and that she has opportunity to move the body. I structure our days with very little room for error. I try to ignore and I try to address. I try to understand and I try to be clear. THIS management is too much - it wears a gal down. So when, after the best management, she still blows gaskets and disrupts the whole crew, I am left with feelings of wanting to move into a hotel.

So last night, I really did hit the wall with it. It's day to day. Really the behavior is steady, it's just HOW much of it can I take. Last night - not much. So I just isolated in the bath, with a Miller Lite. I felt like staying in there forever. What if I slept in there? Rob might think I have really gone off the deep end. Maybe he would offer to rub my back or better yet - fix the kids!

But soon I heard a knock on the door. I said come in. It was Lil. I am thinking she wants to apologize (which is an insane thougth b/c I don't think she has EVER said she was sorry, a genetic trait clearly passed down from her father), She says "I didn't like the meat at dinner, but Daddy said to eat more, so I did". I say "good". But what I really want to say is, "I don't give a shit". I really d0n't. I want to just say I DON'T CARE - I don't care who eats, who bathes or who does homework. My management skill are depleted and I am done.

But of course, I don't say that. And eventually I get out of the bath. I pout around for awhile but, what the hell, life goes on right? So I am printing Science Fair forms, researching science fair projects. Annoyed? Yes. But somewhat relieved that we all 5 just keep functioning despite the whirling durbish amongst us? I never thought I would quote Charlie Sheen - but I can agree whole heartedly when he said he is turned on by "relief".

phones and schaumburg

It is not unlike me to live in a little denial when I know something has gone wrong - I mean wrong enough that it will require either money or time or worse, both. So on Wednesday when the screen of my phone was blank (and I need it to USE the phone), I just hoped that that was a fluke. That would never happen again. But when it happened on Thursday, I finally realized I needed to make a call.
First to Costco - that's where I got the phone. They said call AT&T.
On Friday, I called AT&T. They asked the most obvious question. "Did you drop the phone or did it get wet?" WHAT? Of course not. Who drops their phone while also trying to open the doors to the car? Who leaves their phone near the sink while doing dishes? Not me. That's crazy talk. So they tried to talk me through some blukety bluck but I understood nothing so they said "go to the ATT store on AH Road in AH". OK!
Could I do this over the weekend? No way. But I knew I had time on Monday. A small window of 10-11. So, I drive to the ATT Store today right at 10. They said "well, we don't fix phones here, you will have to go to Schaumburg". SCHAUMBURG???????? I have a small window of time! They never mentioned Schaumburg!! WHAT???? Now if you don't live around here - or even if you do, let me describe my thoughts on Schaumburg. It's the Castelton of Indy, the Kenmore of Cincinnati. It's the Merrillville to the Region. It's a big square of shops and cars and malls and shops and I feel like to go to Schaumburg and get out of there, I need at least 2 hours. Saying that, it's seriously about 10 mintues away. But I am a small town gal and really only operate within the same 4 square miles every day. Nonetheless, I went for it. I made it over to the Schaumburg shop in about 11 mintues. Victory.
I was nervous to go into this " service station" b/c years ago, I had to go to the US Cellular's "service station" and it was the underbelly of all cellular phone users. It was worse than the DMV. But today was lovely - fresh and happy and I was the only customer.
So I have a new phone, was out of there in less than 30 mintues and signed us up for U-Verse. I haven't told that part to Rob yet but I was so overjoyed that my trip to Schaumburg went well and that the people gave me a new phone, I would have bought a car if they were selling one!

Message - Schaumburg isn't really that far and it's not really that overwhelming and I REALLY need to get out more!