Day to day

I think I have made it abundantly clear that sometimes parenting is really really hard for me. I find the challenges of discipline really difficult and I spend a lot of time in the "holy shit, how's this going to be when you are 15". My mother was a great disciplinarian b/c, in my memory, she was steady eddy. I don't remember seeing a lot of emotion from her during times of discipline. And here's a crazy thought - I actually just did what she said, most of the time. So this whole NOT listening to what I have to say is tough. Especially when I was 8.

In the darkest moments of parenting for me, I don't want to do it. I think I can't. Those darkest moments come when I am functioning at the top of my game and we still have shit going down. I know that I can do NO better than I currently am, AND I know that I STILL have to do it. No matter if I take a bath, take a drive, go to bed early - in the end, I have to "parent" again, whether I am great at it or not.

Let's just cut to the chase - I have a child who can both light up my life and make me want to move into a hotel for week, all in the span of about 3 minutes all day long. So, I manage her. I predict. I reward and entice. I make sure clothes are clean that she likes, that she has play dates each week and that she has opportunity to move the body. I structure our days with very little room for error. I try to ignore and I try to address. I try to understand and I try to be clear. THIS management is too much - it wears a gal down. So when, after the best management, she still blows gaskets and disrupts the whole crew, I am left with feelings of wanting to move into a hotel.

So last night, I really did hit the wall with it. It's day to day. Really the behavior is steady, it's just HOW much of it can I take. Last night - not much. So I just isolated in the bath, with a Miller Lite. I felt like staying in there forever. What if I slept in there? Rob might think I have really gone off the deep end. Maybe he would offer to rub my back or better yet - fix the kids!

But soon I heard a knock on the door. I said come in. It was Lil. I am thinking she wants to apologize (which is an insane thougth b/c I don't think she has EVER said she was sorry, a genetic trait clearly passed down from her father), She says "I didn't like the meat at dinner, but Daddy said to eat more, so I did". I say "good". But what I really want to say is, "I don't give a shit". I really d0n't. I want to just say I DON'T CARE - I don't care who eats, who bathes or who does homework. My management skill are depleted and I am done.

But of course, I don't say that. And eventually I get out of the bath. I pout around for awhile but, what the hell, life goes on right? So I am printing Science Fair forms, researching science fair projects. Annoyed? Yes. But somewhat relieved that we all 5 just keep functioning despite the whirling durbish amongst us? I never thought I would quote Charlie Sheen - but I can agree whole heartedly when he said he is turned on by "relief".