Life and death

This week a mom in my community passed away from breast cancer. I did know her. She used to be in my babysitting co op. She was diagnosed 3 years ago I think and was cancer free for a period of time. I think for most, the fact that she was sick again, was news. So her passing was for many, a complete shock. It's been too much. My small circle of life knows too many people who have died of cancer. I am only 41 years old and have attended 4 funerals for people who are my age, who have died of cancer. It's too much. Is it more than we were kids? It seems more. It seems like everyone knows someone their own age who has died from cancer. The tragic side to "our age" is that our children are young. Tomorrow, 2 boys who are the exact same ages as Maeve and Lily will attend their own mother's funeral.
Four and a half years ago, I attended a funeral of a mom at our preschool. Devestating. 3 children - just like me. The sadness was unforgettable and even though it was 4 years ago, I can still remember exactly how I felt - which was pure pain for her husband and children. About a year later, I saw this mom's mother at the library with her grandson. I asked how she was and she said "it gets harder instead of easier". I bet it does. I felt so ashamed that I just marched on with my life that Fall...instead of remembering EVERY day to appreciate and love each day. There were days I forgot about it completely. And then here I am with her mother, who never gets to forget. I was so mad at myself for not holding on to that pain long enough to use it - to use it to be better and more loving and more humbled and more thankful.
But we all do get back to living. We drive kids around and bitch about science fair projects and think we are too tired to make dinner. We go on living. But then you get the news again. Someone has died. Shock. And we make that oath to ourselves again - "I will appreciate each day...I will not complain about my body or having a sore back....I will not yell as much....I will make my husband a priority....I will be better". Because we feel so lucky. Could have been me. So I think the only to remember, to honestly remember, is to print the pictures of those we have lost. Put the pictures somewhere you look every day. Look into their eyes and remember. Remember them, their family, the way you felt when you got the news, and all of those promises you made to be better. Because we are lucky and this is our opportunity to share more love for our lives. Some of us need gentle reminders and some of us need a brick to the head....