Controlling or Controlled?

I was thinking the other day about the kids going somewhere without me and I didn't like it at all. I can't even remember what is was now. But my memory of how I felt is vivid - I didn't like it. Then I said to Rob, "do you think I am a control freak?". He said ....."Uh, yea, kind of". To be honest, I have NEVER thought of myself as controlling. But then I realized that I am NOT a control freak, I just like things controlled. Meaning, I am no willy nilly girl. I like things "under control". I like order, peace, calm, and structure. I don't like things out of my ear shot or vision. I don't like chaos or "too much " of anything. Too much noise. Too many kids. Too many steps to figure out. I like rules and order and simplicity. But all of this realization made me beg the question - WHY? What is going to happen if there are too many toys out? Or too many kids over? What horrible thing is going to happen if it's loud w/ joyful noise? Who knows? I can't really answer that. I can't even think about it b/c it stresses me out. But I can safely say that most of the time when it's too loud, my next thought is "this is too wild, someone is going to crack a skull". Often times I will think, "hey, let's have so and so over" and then my next thought - too many kids. My 3 plus their 2 and Harper too...that's just too many kids. But WHY is that too many kids? What is wrong with me that a house full of joyful children brings me stress. My dear friend Sheila has brought me back to the home she grew up in Iowa many times. Her parents never minded - the more the merrier. People were in and out all of the time. I loved it. I loved being IN it. But the thought of ME being at the helm of the "in and out" is another thing. I want kids up or down. In or out. I just WISH I could be so relaxed - so "go with it". I grew up in a really structured house. My Dad came home at the same time every day - 5:00, except for Thursday when he had the "down day blues" and came home about an hour later. He walked in the door and we all sat down to eat. We cleaned the kitchen every night by taking turns and did chores every Saturday. We didn't have friends over for dinner and I can definitely say that no one wanted to hear my music (a whole lot of Michael Jackson) too loud in the house. I just don't ever remember "chaos". We were either together conversing or doing our own things in our rooms but we knew what to expect each and every day. It wasn't boring - we had a great time - it was just calm and peaceful. Maybe my mom would remember it differently. So I guess I am who I am. I am the oldest - in charge, fairly organized, full of ideas and solutions. If only I could keep all of those traits and add in a few doses of willy nilly. I will try this summer to be more chilled. And to embrace the unstructured chaotic and often loud days that kids at home all day can bring....
Good thing I can drink mid day in the summer!