Pete and the first real day....

Today I woke up slowly...unlike last week when I popped up immediately so that I would have every single duck in a row for school starting. Today, just 1 week into the start of school, I was a bit more slow going. Truth be told, I delivered Maeve to school wearing my robe....

Anyway, when I first woke up, one of my initial thoughts were "I wonder what's on the calendar for Peter today?". Then I remembered HOLY SHIT, HE HAS SCHOOL EVERY DAY NOW!! What's worse than that is that like 20 minutes later, while showering, I wondered it again!! Hmmm??? What does Peter have today? Geeesh Lady - HE HAS SCHOOL!! This is going to take a lot of getting used to!

What did I do with this unexpected time? I finished laundry, I made 2 different pasta sauces for the week, hammered out some work issues, cleaned the kitchen and STILL had 30 minutes to spare.

So I picked Peter up from the bus and because I am a freak about promptness, I stood at the corner for 20 unnecessary minutes. The bus pulled up and the bus driver, Betty, was so sweet and loving and said "he's darling". And I gushed back saying , "I think so too". What a nut job! We walked home and I said "tell me about your day". He moaned and said "are you going to ask me that every day?". So clearly, I will know nothing about school until parent/teacher conferences in November. His questions for me? "Can I have pudding for lunch? Can we go to the Children's Museum after lunch? Can I watch Spider Man?". I tell him that after lunch we have to go to Target and he said "oh, can I get a transformer's pinata there?". That kid cracks me up.

My Middle

I am really in the middle place..As Maeve starts "middle" school, I feel like I am just as much in the middle! I don't have babies, I don't have grown children. I didn't just start a career and I am certainly not retiring. I am the "plug along" stage of life that a strange mix of been there, done that and where am I heading? This back-to-school week has me thinking....

I must admit that when I had Maeve and then Lily, I probably didn't think much past how unbelievably adorable they were. I thought about holding them, feeding them, their precious wardrobe and their perfectly home-made nurseries. I had a good 3 year window in my mind...music classes, walks in the neighborhood, and meeting other moms. I was completely unprepared for our new "middle" place. I wasn't prepared to unleash my first born into a pre-teen world of the unknown and uncontrolled. It's a good thing it comes gradually.

When we had our babies, if we were to be honest, it would be our hope that they never feel pain or angst of any kind. So when we send them off into the world, whether it's to school or the pool or a party, we hope they are good to the world and that the world is good to them. BUT, here's the kicker...we really can't control the world. Doesn't that suck? Isn't it so hard to accept that? Today, while I watched Maeve walk out of Lincoln Middle School with 8th grade boys and girls who looked like the walked out of an Abercrombie ad. I said a little serenity acceptance prayer to myself...I can not control what goes on in that building....or when she is at a dance....at camp....at high school....and on and on. Letting go....not easy.

I dropped Maeve off this morning with the whole family. I drove instead of Rob which was my tactic to just keep focused on something productive...driving. She got out and Rob helped her with her things and I just watched, swallowing, swallowing that lump that just won't go away this week. My eyes were fighting like mad to drop a few hundred tears but I just kept breathing, swallowing, focusing. Why so emotional? Letting her go....not easy.

I picked her up 3 hours later and I couldn't have been happier to see her and talk with her. I had a thousand questions but I have to go slow with her. How was it? Who is in your advisory? Did it work out with your locker? Did the lock work? Did you find your way okay? And my big one, which I didn't ask...WAS EVERYONE KIND? Please tell me everyone was kind. Please tell me that you felt secure and okay. Please assure your nut job mother that even though she is unstable at best, that YOU were okay!!! But then I thought, let it go. Not easy. Just swallow your lump.

So I am saving my lump for tonight. I plan to take a shower (a place I do my best break downs!)and cry. I have to get it out. I have to stop swallowing. My hope is that if I can just let it out, I will take a deep breath and feel better. Bottom line, she will be great. It's just the mama who is struggling.

Excercise Phobe

I started thinking the other day about how I thought that my resistance to movement had come about as an adult...or when I became a mom. But then it dawned on me, I have forever considered exercise yet have never really done it. It's absolutely without question the greatest example of resistance ever seen in history. It's the purest form of knowing better than you're doing. It's, to be frank, pathetic.

The furthest back I could remember this exercise conflict was high school. We had a pool in our backyard and I can remember thinking, "okay, if I swim back and forth in the pool over and over, I will become a really strong swimmer". Never happened.

Then there was a time, I think I was in college but maybe it was high school, that my BF Heidi and I thought it would be fabulous to tour this brand new trendy health club at the Holiday Star Theater hotel in Merrillville, where all the action was. We loved the tour. Fabulous. Sign us up for the free 2 week trial - we are there. Never went.

Every summer in college, there were several commitments to get in better shape. Now, most of these summers weight was probably not my issue but my great insecurity of being not athletic followed me like the plague. The fear that at some random cook-out, someone might ask if I wanted to play volley ball or worse yet soft ball, struck such a strong lightning bolt of anxiety through me that I plotted those summers to at least be able to feel a bit more athletic....sporty if you will. I am sure there were elaborate plans of biking and walking and walking up to the school to practice "tennis" (and by tennis I mean hitting a tennis ball against the side of my elementary school with no one else around for miles b/c I was 120% sure I looked like a big door knob!) Despite those plans, I don't remember much exercise during any of the 4 summers of college.

One time when I was a working adult, soon after graduation, I WON a 3 month membership to a gym by my apartment from a radio station. I couldn't believe it. Just what I needed - I was so excited. I do recall going there about 3 times....the big draw for me was they had tanning beds.

When I lived in Indianapolis my friends were big time runners. I have friends who run every day. During my 20's, I did not run. I would walk....and I would even walk for exercise but I certainly don't remember it ever being rigorous enough to break a sweat. One time a neighbor, who I was madly in love with, asked me if I wanted to go play tennis. HOLY SHIT...What???? He probably thought I had some skills....I am a big sports fan and I probably led him to believe that , because I was a big college basketball fan, I was somehow athletic. Well, I went ahead and walked to the tennis courts with him all the time hoping that maybe I would actually be good at tennis...maybe I was giving myself enough credit. It was devastating. Horrible. Ridiculous.

ONE TIME I ran 3 miles when I lived in Indy. Another time I ran 3 miles when we lived in Palatine. I have done Jazzercise, Zumba, tae-bo....I have tried roller blading, speed walking and slow jogging. I have done pilates and machines and swimming. I have had memberships at the YMCA, River Trails fitness center, The Wellness Center and Elements. I have analyzed and soul searched and tried like mad to figure out how I can keep a clean house, manage the lives of 3 children, volunteer my time, hold down a professional job yet can not, under any and all circumstances, commit myself to exercise. Besides the answers of I don't like it and I don't have time.... and I don't wanna (wah wah)......I got nothin'.

The sad ending to this pathetic tale of complete lack of focus and commitment, is that I MUST do something...and now I am afraid to even do anything....knowing that of course, it won't last. I have lied to myself so many times that I don't even trust myself. My body is pain....I MUST work out....I have zero choice if I want to be happy in my own skin (and clothes!). If I were reading this, I would be shouting JUST DO IT. So I guess I will just take my own advice, shut up and go for a walk even though I would rather watch House Hunters.

Door County

We just got back for a splendid 3 days in Door County. Far too short. It was glorious.

I love vacations! I love a get-away of all kinds. I love going to Louisville to visit my friends by myself. I love going on big family vacations to Disney. I love taking the kids for a quick Indiana trip. When surrounded by emails, making dinner, work issues, meetings of all kinds - it's no wonder why we all NEED to get away.

I love the build up as much as anything else. I love the questions about "is there a pool? a hot tub? Where will I sleep? Are you bringing snacks? Will we take a plane? How long to get there". I love seeing them pack - I give them a list and they come downstairs with bags, pillows, stuffed animals as if we are going away FOREVER. The night before there are more questions about if it will be dark when we wake them. Will the sun be out? Will we eat donuts in the car? "Remember that time you brought donuts to the airport?" (That was the best part of Peter's trip to Disney a few years ago....that I brought donuts to the airport!!).

So the wake up is, of course, thrilling!! And off we went.

We arrived in Door County in time for lunch. We went to PC Junction - which turned out to be Peter's favorite part of the trip. Lunch was fine but the big bonus was that this place had quite a variety of activity. There was a little jungle gym. Then there were these riding carts....like bikes but carts....?? Then there was some maze through old doors. And then the big prize - a HUGE pig and her babies. This pig was disgusting - literally laying in mud and flies and who knows what else. Pete loved it.

Then we headed to a more civilized place, Egg Harbor. We visited the Door County Confectionery and the kids were in HEAVEN. I can't lie, so was I. I love candy. I got Sixlets and a Cow's Tail. And of course, caramel.

Our room was ready so the real fun began. The anticipation of what will the resort look like? What will our condo look like? "MAMA - THERE'S THE POOL!!!". Truth be told, my kids would be totally satisfied at the Schaumburg Hyatt for vacation if there was a pool and hot tub involved. We keyed into our room and it was beautiful and perfect and everyone ran to claim their sleeping spot. My favorite part was the big porch with a peaceful view.

We did so much fun stuff but it wasn't all nonsense free. Of course, Peter is 5 so there's a decent amount of pouting if he's not completely happy - like if I want to take his picture or if we are going into a shop that isn't a candy shop. He pouted during mini golf and that ridiculous but it didn't really stop the rest of us. Lily also found herself in a few unjust situations where the world is against her and no one cares. But again, it really didn't seem to phase the group. Either we are all used to it or the 78 degree not-a-cloud-in-the-sky breeze softened the pain.

We mini golfed, ate great food, visited a beach, walked around town, listened to great music, saw gorgeous views, swam, soaked, and swam some more. When I asked Peter his favorite part he said "PC Junction - I liked that pig". When I asked him what he thought my favorite part was he said "when you found out that the candy store had Bit-O-Honey?". I laughed so hard. I did love that part. I do love Bit-O-Honey. But really the minute we opened the door to our condo might have been my favorite part...the excitement over who gets to push the elevator buttons. Who gets to put the key card in. The opening that door for the first time....knowing we are ON VACATION! We have arrived and can unpack! "MAMA - THERE'S A WHIRLPOOL IN YOUR ROOM!!!" The rest is pure bonus.

Buster

Peter Nicoll still walks out every morning and starts to run a little bit when he sees me. He jumps in my arms and squeezes tight. He still has his fuzzy hair, sleepy eyed, little boy sweetness that greets me with happiness every single day. He does not wake up crabby. He kisses me over and over. It's the best feeling ever. The other day I pulled up after work and he was in the yard and our eyes met and he started blowing me kisses over and over. The love he gives is ENORMOUS and still just as sweet and innoscent as when he was 2. We are snuggling on the couch right now and he's kissing me on the arm as I type. I am one lucky mama. What scares me most is that I know this won't last....

Summer - What did we do?

The other day someone asked the girls how our summer was and before they could answer, she asked "did you miniature golf or go to Great America or a waterpark". The answer is no, we hadn't done any of those things. I stood there defending in my mind that we did have a fun summer....right? It got me wondering, "what did we do this summer?".

I have a theory about summer. It needs just that perfect balance between active and quiet. It's not easy b/c you also have to throw in some necessary items....like work. And then there are classes - like swimming and keeping up with piano and keeping pace with ballet. Seeing family and old friends. Napping, resting, tanning. Biking, climbing, rollerblading. There are shows to see and music to go hear. There's the city, the county, the beach..... One can see how the balancing act can be tricky.

So I started thinking about the summer of 2011. Some memories came to me right away but to be honest, I couldn't remember a thing about June. What happened in June?
Oh yea - June. Summer started with Lily going to theater camp for almost 2 weeks and me working a lot during that time. Then near the end of the month, we had a little tornado in Mt. Prospect. Wowsy - trees down and such a mess and we had no power for 3 days. Then off we went to camp at the Indiana State Dunes Park. Glorious. AND we had electricity at our site which was more than we were having at home. We will never camp anywhere else again. I was proud to be a Hoosier.

July - What can we really say about July? It started with our annual July 3rd party. We turned right around to host a Mexican dinner with friends. The kids and I headed to Wisconsin to visit friends. We returned to have friends from Louisville visit for a night. We had a week of golf and pool time and then a night of non stop storms and no power. Our beautiful basement flooded. From that point to this very moment, I would say that the summer of 2011 will be marked by that flood and the continual loss of electricity we are still experiencing. BUT let's not forget some really fabulous things happened in July too!
A dear friend's wedding.
A surprise 40th birthday party for a great friend and best night of the summer.
Peter learned to ride a 2 wheeler.
Peter learned to buckle himself in the car seat (with the bribe of 2 packs of gum after 2 continuous days of buckling).
Peter learned he loves golf.
The girls had sleepovers (this is one of those line items that were fabulous for them but painful for me)
We learned card games, went swimming, had play dates, saw The Music Man, and ate a ton of ice cream.

August - still in the works but it's been pretty darn perfect. Friends from Ohio visited, Cubs game, more parties, more food, more beer and band camp. Now next week we head to Door County for one last hoorah.

We haven't played mini golf. I doubt we will make it to a water park and I know we won't be going to Great America. I do feel a little guilt about the mini golf thing....add that to the list of things to do in Door County!! I guess I am one satisfied summer customer who set out to strike a balance and might just have accomplished it!

Parenting - The Mounting Pressure

We have all seen those Datelines or 20/20's that tell the story of a teenage girl who lived in the quintessential neighborhood with what appeared as the most perfect family but found herself doing drugs with friends instead of going to school. Or we've watched segments of a child taking their own life because of bullying at school. The amount of information we know about what could happen to kids is endless - a friend of a friend, heard it on Facebook, saw it on the news, read it on the Yahoo page. Is there any question why we are all scared shitless to get this thing right?

For years, I have been keenly aware that if I don't get each stage perfectly right, I could end up with a teen who runs away, bullies, drops out of school or simply feels lost. Or if I don't discipline back talk at age 9, I will have a tween who screams at me that she's not going to do homework. There are so many scenarios that hold risk for no matter how you handle it. You could be too strict causing kids to want to rebel. Or, you could be so lenient that they are up to no good right under your nose. You could hover or you could sit back. You could talk too much or too little. You could have no trust or trust way too much. Who the hell knows? I operate with continual fear that makes huge leaps like cellphone/sexting...facebook/inappropriate pictures posted.....email/cyberbullying.....indpendence/drinking in the basement....and the list goes on.

Saying all of this, I am not a total nut job. I do let my kids have appropriate levels of independence. I just am cringing inside the whole time!! Yes, I will let Maeve have a phone. Yes, I will allow email and use of computers. I will talk too much and ignore some stuff I probably shouldn't. I won't get it all right. I will be too strict and embarrass my kids. I will apologize for flipping out over what is probably normal stuff. Once again, I wish I could just focus on kids that are 5, 10 and 11 but I know better than that...I know that 8, 13 and 14 are somewhat determined by today as much as that kind of sucks.

This isn't one of those blogs where I have some grand solution at the end. My only solution is to do my best, follow my gut as confused as it is these days, consult with my friends and to try to remember how I felt when I was 10 and 11. And lastly, stop watching Dateline.