Excercise Phobe

I started thinking the other day about how I thought that my resistance to movement had come about as an adult...or when I became a mom. But then it dawned on me, I have forever considered exercise yet have never really done it. It's absolutely without question the greatest example of resistance ever seen in history. It's the purest form of knowing better than you're doing. It's, to be frank, pathetic.

The furthest back I could remember this exercise conflict was high school. We had a pool in our backyard and I can remember thinking, "okay, if I swim back and forth in the pool over and over, I will become a really strong swimmer". Never happened.

Then there was a time, I think I was in college but maybe it was high school, that my BF Heidi and I thought it would be fabulous to tour this brand new trendy health club at the Holiday Star Theater hotel in Merrillville, where all the action was. We loved the tour. Fabulous. Sign us up for the free 2 week trial - we are there. Never went.

Every summer in college, there were several commitments to get in better shape. Now, most of these summers weight was probably not my issue but my great insecurity of being not athletic followed me like the plague. The fear that at some random cook-out, someone might ask if I wanted to play volley ball or worse yet soft ball, struck such a strong lightning bolt of anxiety through me that I plotted those summers to at least be able to feel a bit more athletic....sporty if you will. I am sure there were elaborate plans of biking and walking and walking up to the school to practice "tennis" (and by tennis I mean hitting a tennis ball against the side of my elementary school with no one else around for miles b/c I was 120% sure I looked like a big door knob!) Despite those plans, I don't remember much exercise during any of the 4 summers of college.

One time when I was a working adult, soon after graduation, I WON a 3 month membership to a gym by my apartment from a radio station. I couldn't believe it. Just what I needed - I was so excited. I do recall going there about 3 times....the big draw for me was they had tanning beds.

When I lived in Indianapolis my friends were big time runners. I have friends who run every day. During my 20's, I did not run. I would walk....and I would even walk for exercise but I certainly don't remember it ever being rigorous enough to break a sweat. One time a neighbor, who I was madly in love with, asked me if I wanted to go play tennis. HOLY SHIT...What???? He probably thought I had some skills....I am a big sports fan and I probably led him to believe that , because I was a big college basketball fan, I was somehow athletic. Well, I went ahead and walked to the tennis courts with him all the time hoping that maybe I would actually be good at tennis...maybe I was giving myself enough credit. It was devastating. Horrible. Ridiculous.

ONE TIME I ran 3 miles when I lived in Indy. Another time I ran 3 miles when we lived in Palatine. I have done Jazzercise, Zumba, tae-bo....I have tried roller blading, speed walking and slow jogging. I have done pilates and machines and swimming. I have had memberships at the YMCA, River Trails fitness center, The Wellness Center and Elements. I have analyzed and soul searched and tried like mad to figure out how I can keep a clean house, manage the lives of 3 children, volunteer my time, hold down a professional job yet can not, under any and all circumstances, commit myself to exercise. Besides the answers of I don't like it and I don't have time.... and I don't wanna (wah wah)......I got nothin'.

The sad ending to this pathetic tale of complete lack of focus and commitment, is that I MUST do something...and now I am afraid to even do anything....knowing that of course, it won't last. I have lied to myself so many times that I don't even trust myself. My body is pain....I MUST work out....I have zero choice if I want to be happy in my own skin (and clothes!). If I were reading this, I would be shouting JUST DO IT. So I guess I will just take my own advice, shut up and go for a walk even though I would rather watch House Hunters.