I am really in the middle place..As Maeve starts "middle" school, I feel like I am just as much in the middle! I don't have babies, I don't have grown children. I didn't just start a career and I am certainly not retiring. I am the "plug along" stage of life that a strange mix of been there, done that and where am I heading? This back-to-school week has me thinking....
I must admit that when I had Maeve and then Lily, I probably didn't think much past how unbelievably adorable they were. I thought about holding them, feeding them, their precious wardrobe and their perfectly home-made nurseries. I had a good 3 year window in my mind...music classes, walks in the neighborhood, and meeting other moms. I was completely unprepared for our new "middle" place. I wasn't prepared to unleash my first born into a pre-teen world of the unknown and uncontrolled. It's a good thing it comes gradually.
When we had our babies, if we were to be honest, it would be our hope that they never feel pain or angst of any kind. So when we send them off into the world, whether it's to school or the pool or a party, we hope they are good to the world and that the world is good to them. BUT, here's the kicker...we really can't control the world. Doesn't that suck? Isn't it so hard to accept that? Today, while I watched Maeve walk out of Lincoln Middle School with 8th grade boys and girls who looked like the walked out of an Abercrombie ad. I said a little serenity acceptance prayer to myself...I can not control what goes on in that building....or when she is at a dance....at camp....at high school....and on and on. Letting go....not easy.
I dropped Maeve off this morning with the whole family. I drove instead of Rob which was my tactic to just keep focused on something productive...driving. She got out and Rob helped her with her things and I just watched, swallowing, swallowing that lump that just won't go away this week. My eyes were fighting like mad to drop a few hundred tears but I just kept breathing, swallowing, focusing. Why so emotional? Letting her go....not easy.
I picked her up 3 hours later and I couldn't have been happier to see her and talk with her. I had a thousand questions but I have to go slow with her. How was it? Who is in your advisory? Did it work out with your locker? Did the lock work? Did you find your way okay? And my big one, which I didn't ask...WAS EVERYONE KIND? Please tell me everyone was kind. Please tell me that you felt secure and okay. Please assure your nut job mother that even though she is unstable at best, that YOU were okay!!! But then I thought, let it go. Not easy. Just swallow your lump.
So I am saving my lump for tonight. I plan to take a shower (a place I do my best break downs!)and cry. I have to get it out. I have to stop swallowing. My hope is that if I can just let it out, I will take a deep breath and feel better. Bottom line, she will be great. It's just the mama who is struggling.
I must admit that when I had Maeve and then Lily, I probably didn't think much past how unbelievably adorable they were. I thought about holding them, feeding them, their precious wardrobe and their perfectly home-made nurseries. I had a good 3 year window in my mind...music classes, walks in the neighborhood, and meeting other moms. I was completely unprepared for our new "middle" place. I wasn't prepared to unleash my first born into a pre-teen world of the unknown and uncontrolled. It's a good thing it comes gradually.
When we had our babies, if we were to be honest, it would be our hope that they never feel pain or angst of any kind. So when we send them off into the world, whether it's to school or the pool or a party, we hope they are good to the world and that the world is good to them. BUT, here's the kicker...we really can't control the world. Doesn't that suck? Isn't it so hard to accept that? Today, while I watched Maeve walk out of Lincoln Middle School with 8th grade boys and girls who looked like the walked out of an Abercrombie ad. I said a little serenity acceptance prayer to myself...I can not control what goes on in that building....or when she is at a dance....at camp....at high school....and on and on. Letting go....not easy.
I dropped Maeve off this morning with the whole family. I drove instead of Rob which was my tactic to just keep focused on something productive...driving. She got out and Rob helped her with her things and I just watched, swallowing, swallowing that lump that just won't go away this week. My eyes were fighting like mad to drop a few hundred tears but I just kept breathing, swallowing, focusing. Why so emotional? Letting her go....not easy.
I picked her up 3 hours later and I couldn't have been happier to see her and talk with her. I had a thousand questions but I have to go slow with her. How was it? Who is in your advisory? Did it work out with your locker? Did the lock work? Did you find your way okay? And my big one, which I didn't ask...WAS EVERYONE KIND? Please tell me everyone was kind. Please tell me that you felt secure and okay. Please assure your nut job mother that even though she is unstable at best, that YOU were okay!!! But then I thought, let it go. Not easy. Just swallow your lump.
So I am saving my lump for tonight. I plan to take a shower (a place I do my best break downs!)and cry. I have to get it out. I have to stop swallowing. My hope is that if I can just let it out, I will take a deep breath and feel better. Bottom line, she will be great. It's just the mama who is struggling.
No comments:
Post a Comment