Getting it together

I feel like Ihaven't blogged in so long. Last week seems a million miles away. My mental health in most of August suffered at the hands of hosting an exchange student. Not that the student was the issue - but all the hosting duties really weighed heavy on me. But that is over and I now feel so much better.
School is starting out very well. We did have tears last week from one 4th grader I know. When I was explaining that this year I think she should really take her time (I DO take my time) and that maybe she could put in extra effort to make her writing the best it could be (It IS the best it could be) and that even though she says she tried her hardest I might know better ( you don't know me!!!!) she then begins to cry. To be frank, I found the tears to be a load of crap. This is gut check time and the way I see it is this...She has been super lucky to be fairly bright and be able to skate by, but now I think is the time to dig deep and show me some stuff. I speak from experience - I was lucky enough to skate by too and I will say this...I KNEW I WAS SKATING...and so does she. So save the tears for someone who didn't skate.
Other than that, the kids are good. Lily still has some clothing issues - too tight, too loose, too small, too long, too short, too rough, too "fashiony", not "fashiony" enough. Each morning I pray that I don't see her walk out in this blue High School Musical Tshirt and fleece blue pants - her uniform from last year. 3 out of the 4 days of school this year, she has worn that shirt....I HATE THAT SHIRT.
Okay - other than THAT, the kids are good.
I love having Peter to myself and I love getting back to resting while he naps. I put him down and then i get a snack, book, blanket and rest. I adore that time. And I know I gush over that child but he is a gift. A real gift. He is unbelievably loving and somehow God knew, despite the inattention from me in the last decade or so, that I needed that boy in my life. So thanks be to God and the bottle of Riesling I drank that night.

Off and running

School started yesterday and life was anew. We were SO excited. We had our traditional cinnamon rolls for breakfast. Lily changed a few times despite picking clothes out (this is an unavoidable daily event) and Maeve said the only thing that would be better is if the sun were out AND it were raining so we could have a rainbow. Seriously, she did not get her sweetness from me.
We dropped them off and as I walked lily into her line, I felt a huge rush a tears...undeniable lump in my throat. NOT just tears but full of crying! WHAT????? How many weeks have I said we are so ready for school and then I stand there upon this event and CRY? Well - whatever. I am clearly not stable. But I cried...and then I wen to go see Maeve in her room and I cried more. The only thing that stopped the tears was that a neighbor walked home with me. Lock me up.
So I picked them and said "tell me everything". Lily said "i love mrs. commare. she is the nicest person i have ever met". I asked her why and she said "i don't know...even the way she moves".
How sweet is that?
Off to day 2 - a full day. But I do have to take Lily out early b/c she has an eye appt and hopefully once the DR sees it we will know what to do with it...She may have to have it drained - which would be good actually b/c it's just not healing. But it means she has to be put out and they do it at the hospital - it really quick but that is the way they do it...
TTFN
ta ta for now

Really?!

Seriously you just said that I don't let you do anything. Really. I have stopped my day, picked up a friend of yours, reminded you to never say "you don't let me do anything " as it was a big sacrifice to get the friend. THEN I also warn that I do NOT want the friend asking for food the minute they arrive - a pet peeve to be sure. 2.5 minutes after we all walk in the room, you both approach me with "can we have a lemonade stand".
No, we don't have cups or lemonade and I don't want to do it. Go play! - me
Can we do it with iced tea?maeve
NO - go play. - me
We never have anything. - maeve
After a brief whispering conversation, you approach and say "can we do slushies"
NO, go play - me
And then....the big moment when I hear - " you never let us do antyhing".
Are you high? Did you JUST say that?
I kept composed and I am sure they are sulking somewhere b/c I don't' have powdered lemonade in the house but just so we are all clear....I DO let them do stuff. I let them eat snacks. I let them destroy my house through their creative plays. I let them have a voice in many important decisions such as their clothing. I let them tell me how they feel - which is clearly something I am reconsidering. On top of all that I also let them.....
Bike rides
pool
play dates
shopping
parties
watching tv
watcign videos
playing on the computer
ALL of this I LET happen...
But from now on, i just might not them do anything....I think they would be in shock.

Update

Alls quiet on the Real Esate front. Which personally I am thankful for. I still have owrk but am not so consumed by it that I feel stress 24/7.
Juncal leaves in the morning. We will all take the big trip to Ohare and drop her off and then home to KICK IT INTO HIGH GEAR....cleaning, labeling, cleaning more. These children must work tomorrow....I will reward with old 1/2 empty bottles of lotion and cake. They'll love it.

I am reading The Middle Place. My friend Mary gave it to me as she said the writer reminded her of me. I must say even I can see it. I feel like calling the author to see if she has any Sanders in her bloodline

Physically I am worn to a thread. Horrible diet, lack of water, bad skin, chipped tooth, allergies and some intense arthritis lately. What a mess. I pledge a body renewal for myself soon. I know better. Mentally I am as dull as they come. I can't maintain attention, remember things etc. I don't even TRY to pay attention - like I have given up. I just think - too many details, blah blah blah. Next thing you know - the blah blah was important but I have no clue. All I can say is that I know I am not alone - right? Name me a mom who has it all going on...Okay, don't b/c actually i DO know they are out there and that will only make me feel worse. To sharpen my mental capacities, I am going to create a new plan for myself. I am not sure what the plan is but something must change!

Life with the Nicolls

Well - seems like we are trucking along just fine. Peter is a wild man running around with scrapes, bruises and a slight risk of serious injury every day. However - he is also the most loving engaging kid I know. Lily is gearing up for school - she seems happy and kind of excited. She is NOT excited that I am making her wear her glasses. I am NOT excited to battle the subject each day. Maeve is composed and happy as usual. Which is fabulous but I just remembered what a very difficult 2,3 year she was. She really was. Full of might and will and attitude. Now she is not that way at all. Sweet, happy, and mature. She is not bothered by the typical girl crap of "she is friends with her but not with me". Which I VERY much appreciate. She can tend to argue - but only b/c nothing is her fault and she just doesn't understand the problem!!! (ha - hope my sarcasm was clear enough there!) Both got the teachers they wanted.
So today I work, tomorrow I am taking Juncal to the city, Monday the girls have a birthday party to attend and then Tuesday at 8:00 a.m., I take Juncal to the airport. Wednesday the girls start school. I will take some time to describe the Juncal experience but just not right now. Suffice to say, next week will bring me peace on many levels.
And I think it's clear how much I enjoy PEACE.
Peace!

Been A While

Well - it's been a while since I wrote. All have little colds in our house and Lily has an eye infection from a stye. Poor girl.
While at the Opthamologist's office he, of course, inquired as to why Lily didn't have her glasses on. I explained in code so she wouldn't clue in, that we are in the middle of a psychological battle that reaches beyond just her own insecurities but into my own as a cross eyed little girl with "coke bottled" glasses. I am sure he was like "hey chic - i am not really following this "code" talk and we don't really care if you were tortured by others as a child - GET YOUR KID TO WEAR HER GLASSES!". Seems easy enough right? I mean, if before I had kids, someone would have told me that their kid wasn't wearing their glasses I would say "tell them to wear them, no choice, no option - get tough and story over". But what I didn't know then is that I would birth a child that is complicated beyond my own understandings and patience and abilities. NOTHING is simple in Lil's world. So saying "wear your glasses or _______(fill in the blank)", She will always choose the 'fill in the blank'. And torture you along the way to boot. So when my mother or a teacher or a doctor says "why isn't she wearing her glasses" what I really want to say is "you know what - I don't know. Ask her I have no answers here. I solve problems all day and this is just one I can't do. I have no idea why she won't wear T shirts or things with pockets or pants that don't cover her shoes. I have no idea why she would rather screech, roll around on the ground and burst into tears instead of rationally discussing a problem. So the answer to the question is I don't know. Ask her therapist when she is all grown up and half blind."

Time Travelers..

Well I saw The Time Travelers Wife tonight. And even though I thought much of the movie called for a greater leap in imagination than I am usually willing to take, I was bawling by the end. If I were a guy- I would be in love with Rachel McAdams.

We are finishing our basement...kind of scary and tons of work. It has to be totally empty. YIKES.

Kids are good. Lily said today "there is something you need to know about me. I don't like it when my pants don't cover my shoes. And I don't like T shirts. They are too floppy by the sleeves. I like my sleeves sealed"

Dually noted.

on the lighter side

Well as I just checked my posts -they have been quite heavy. So I owuld like to take this time to post something on the lighter side...Product Endorsement. Perhaps this may a weekly post..

Kiehls Milk, Honey and Almond Scrub - this stuff kicks ass as do all things purchased at Kiehls.

Gain Fabric Softener . I LOVE it and get compliments on it all of the time. The only thing that would make me happier is if they made Gain into a perfume.

Murphy's Oil Soap - love it, smells good, cleans great. Can't go wrong.

Aldi coffe. Now, I know this seems odd...but if I am going to just buy day to day coffee - you can't beat Aldi coffee...

Well - that's it for today. Cheers to all -

Friday

I am thankful it's Friday. Rough week for my guy - work stress, life stress.
I am thankful it's Friday. Open weekend of what I hope has little to do with work and lots to do with fun and peace.
I am thankful it's Friday. We move closer to 8/26 - school starting.
Who doesn't love a good Friday?

Enough

Well I think it's safe to say that I have had enough summer. Not the weather - it's been great. Not the sunshine - it's been energizing. Not the lazy evenings - they've been a relief. I guess it's the people. You know the people - they live here, mill around, stay up too late ( even though they are to be sleeping), wake up too early, fight too much, eat too much, eat too often and generally suck the life out of me at their first glance. Now saying that - of course, I love my children. Of course. They are truly fabulous people - sweet, extremely kind to the world, interested in life and energetic. They are smart and healthy and engaging. I guess the problem comes to this...if, for instance, they stayed up late and got up early and hung around me like bees to honey AND were sweet and loving to each other, I would be elated. Who wouldn't be? Your own brood just snuggled in with love abounding....right? But in the case of this morning, it just wasn't that scene. I shall paint the picture...
I wake up at 6:30 when the biggest cracking sound shot through me - it was Rob walking on our 60 year floors. I make my coffee and toast, watch about 10 min of The Daily Show and then turn it off to read in the breeze of the morning air.
Suddenly, I hear Lily's door....I don't see her and so I think she must have gotten up to go to the bathroom and gone back to bed. Well, about 5 minutes later all 3 are standing looking at me. Apparently, she went up and woke them up. Today is Junca's 17th birthday. So they are excited to "make breakfast" for her.
When my eyes met theirs I felt a fear swell inside. An anger perhaps. Because i KNOW what this means....IF it meant the lovely scene I spoke of earlier with kindness and love, I would greet them with a warm embrace. But I know better. I know that everyone just lost about 2 hours of much needed sleep. I know that within 3 minutes there will be either a mess or a fight or a request or a demand. I know that they might seem joyful now but later, when that lost sleep catches up, they will be demons. I KNOW BETTER. I also know that I was also just robbed of my morning time and I am certain this is something my mental health cannot afford.
Saying that, I calmly say "it's too early. Go to my room, watch TV and speak not. I will get you when it's a good time to be up". They follow my directions. The next 2 minutes is kind of a blur. As I sat back wtih some relief that I would be able to continue reading and sipping, I hear a scream, a cry and a stomp. I put down my book, stomped to my room and went totally insane. I pounded my fists in the air. I spoke with flames exploding in my mouth. I was a lunatic at best. With a controlled yell I ordered each individual to freeze in their spots, shut their traps and listen up. I begged them, for the love of God, to SHUT UP. To NOT fight, not speak, not move. I try to explain that I have given them the best summer of their short lives. I remind them of beaches, trips, events, friends, parties. I describe my generous spirit of summer fun. I go on to explain that I birthed 3 children to love one another and be kind and protect one another. I didn't have children so that they would disturb the peace of this house. And that certainly God did not bring them in the world to fight over the remote. They looked at me with their usual expressions of victims as I continued to plea for peace. I want one thing...peace. Peace for them. Peace for me. Enough.

Can't a girl have a coffee and a book and some quiet at 6 fucking 30 in the morning on a summer day?

Enough. Go to school. Mama's done.

What do you REALLY think...

Do you know how much energy I put into transferring what I REALLY want to say into what I actually say???? Throughout one day...just one single day, I think a million thoughts that could never leave my own brain. So I either ignore them or buffer them with nicer words or tones. But for once, I would love to spend ONE DAY saying what I really want to say without feeling that I sound like the worst person in the world...or depending on the thoughts, the most desperate person in the world. But just b/c I feel the tension run up and down my back, I guess I will let a few out to see if that gives me relief.

NO, I don't give a shit about your fight. I don't care that she took your crap and you hit her back.

I know I should care that you are probably peeing in your pull up. But given the choice between attending to you in the bathroom or sabotaging all potty training skills by letting you pee in the pull up, well I am up in the air on that one.

If you are going to go to the zoo - and if this zoo is in Chicago, then move your ass. Don't just hokey poke your way through the park not even caring who might be behind you. The person behind you might just be in a hurry...or in the very least, actually WALKING AT A PACE IN WHICH IS NORMAL FOR CHICAGOANS. MOVE IT!!!!!!

And water guy - if you are going to water our parkway every day this summer AND you have a really hot body then at least take your shirt off.

Thanks...I feel better already!

Zoo and death

Conversation with Peter...
"How do we get to the zoo?" Peter says.
"We are going to drive". I say.
"But how are we going to get there?"
"We are going to drive".
"We can't drive. How are going to go there?"
"I have already answered that. We are going to drive.".
"I am riding my bike"
"Well, feel free but since you don't even ride a bike yet, I am guessing you won't go far".
"mommy. don't say that"

Conversation with Lily...
"When are we going to Miss Nancy's?" Lily says.
"Well, not for a while, remember I told you that Mr. Toad just passed away".
"But why can't we go there".
"well, b/c when people die that you love, you are sad and certainly don't want to entertain guests".
"we aren't guests"
"we are guests when we visit other people"
"oh. So when can we go?"
HMMMMM.....clearly not fully understanding death yet!

Bender

Well this summer has been a bender....at least since the 4th of July. Bad food choices, beer, wine, little water, too much sleep, not enough sleep....a basic lack of any boudary regarding health. I am announcing it's over. No more Burger King, evening cocktail, and tirps for ice cream. NO more staying up until midnight reading. No more sleeping in until 8:30. Mama can't take it anymore. My body feels it - my poor face all puffy and full of salt and sugar. My joints all sore from the lack of care. I am 41 and the Bender must end.
Even my brain....Yes, I have been reading a lot. So that is great for the brain. But as far as INFO goes...I am weak. I haven't listened, watched or read news in months. If it's not on the Yahoo home page, I don't know about it. Unless you count The Daily Show.
Starting today I am back on my vitamins. Starting today back to drinking at least 64 ounces of water. Starting today I am back to limited those carbs. Starting today I am up by 6:30 (okay well starting tomorrow on this one) and to sleep by 10:30. I mean I am a gal of boundaries - well at least I operate better when they are in place. So this savage lifestyle I have been living just must end. Even the kids - sleep, no sleep, Popsicles, ice cream. Their poor souls.
Now saying all this, I do have 2 exceptions.
Thursday night we are eating at Maggionos for Juncal's 17th birthday.
And I MUST get one of this Girl Scout cookie Blizzards from DQ I keep hearing about on the radio.

It's a new day, it's a new dawn

I love a dark morning - an almost going to rain morning. The smell of the rain with the heat and the grass.
Also today, we will have the smell of a horrible chemical spill as they CONTINUE to work on the sewers. The trucks are all here - all lined up. At 6:45 they pulled right up. Again, I am grateful that I live in a civilized nations with working sewers and I appreciate all of their work in our town. I love that I can flush the toilet and know it's all going to work. I am just one of these people that wants it to magically appear. I am horrible with noise...and smells. Honestly anyone who knows me will say that noise and odors are on my top pet peeves list,,
Oh well - who can bitch really? Not I. So I march on in appreciation. But if these people, even in the name of a flushable toilet, wake one of my babies...I might kill them.
Oh shit...the trucks are peeping their reverse beep -!!!!! I swear I want to run out there and scream STOP, MY KIDS ARE SLEEPING!!!!

john hughes

Well - a sense of shock and sadness is over our house tonight. Just told the girls that Mr. Toad (what they called John) passed away today. They of course seem fine. B/c I don't think they get it...
Either way, it's sad. Ironically, I took Juncal to the library today to get some movies. I picked 3 John Hughes movies as the quintessential American teen movie guy. This was before the news. They are currently watching Ferris Buehler.
I know that Rob and his mom are sad and shocked. And we can only imagine that Nancy is so sad and shocked.
I know for us seeing John was a highlight at the farm. And I will forever love She's Having a Baby - a movie he wrote about Nancy and himself..

Period

I barely have time to type but I just must get these thoughts out of my head...
I did a rough count yesterday and I think I have had about 312 periods in my life. Right? I mean I not going to really get the calculator out but I think that is right. I bring this up b/c clearly, I am having my 313th period right now. And I don't care if it's this one, the 1st one or the 100th one, it still shocks me that every month I loose the LINING of an organ in my body. We all do. We are all walking around doing this like no big deal. It's weird. And it's top secret. We all whisper it..."i got my period". We are whispering something that has happened to us 312 times....what the hell. And I really bring this up b/c I don't think men can truly understand the magnitude of this whole thing...I know they can't b/c I barely can. But this hormone driven monthly activity causes a physical and mental and emotional collapse to some of us...but we can handle it b/c it's happened 312 times. AND it didn't just show up on it's own. About 10 days before, a golf ball traveled through a tube in our body to get this whole thing going. I am one of those people who have a pretty tough ovulation. I mean it's weird. I can be in pain and grimace and the kids can say"what's wrong" and I just say..."oh, an egg is traveling through tiny tubes to land in an organ that will shed itself in about a week....no big deal really".
IT'S A BIG DEAL......and I am sick of it.....

August

I have chilled since my last post. Much less concerned with entertaining the troops round the clock. But I will say I have been a much better cook since Juncal's been here...and far more organized.
This might be the first August in a long time that I don't feel ready for school. I really don't. I actaully fear school right now. All of it's expectations - from the simple things like packing lunches to homework to balancing our lives again. I mean, let's face it...we are living a pretty sweet life right now. Play, sleep, swim, eat, watch TV, play and sleep. I can't even remember who showered when around here. I feel rushed when we have something to do in the morning even if it's at 11:00. So, 8/26 will come as a big wake up call to the Nicolls. I am not ready. I usually have "fall" clothes ready.....new gym shoes....hair cuts....fresh calenders and definitely first day outfits picked. I think mostly b/c I LOVE going back to school - at least I did as a kid. So I get my Yankee Macintosh Apple candle and fire up for school. But this year....not so much. I think I know better now. As a kid, school meant friends and life. As a mom of young ones, school meant a new adventure...a milestone. But as a mom of a 2nd and 4th grader, I know better. I know that it only gets harder every year. I know that the pace at which we move during the school year is not only exhausting but probably unhealthy. I know that the nights of movies and a relaxed dinner at 7 is over. I know that the weight of the world is about to fall onto my shoulders. Individual successes and failures, including my own, are the anchor of my job as "mom". So i guess I feel like I have been "off". So back to school means back to work...mom work. So we will see, maybe in a couple of weeks I will be ready to buy that Macintosh Apple candle....but for now, not so much...