Who was that?

I saw someone today that I barely recognized. I saw her in the reflection of the doors at Fairview. It was ME. My mirror and my brain NEVER see that person. What a sad state of affairs that we actually have to CARE SO much about our bodies...I continue to struggle w/ just the pull between leave me alone and let me drink hot chocolate and I know I would feel better if I drank more water. There is no doubt that I would prefer to not care about this shit...I would much rather just not care. But the reality is I know I must. Why? Well, I don't want to be an unattractive bloated 40 something mom I see in the reflection of the store front. I just don't want to do the work. In fact, I am resentful that on top of everything else that I concern myself with, my physical condition is yet another item on the TO DO list. That it's not enough to actually THINK about being healthy, I actually have to actively work on it....just add it to the list. I don't mean to bitch here - this is no pity party. I am not some dumb ass who thinks that just b/c I used to skinny without working at all for it, that I deserve that right forever. I KNOW that everyone has to work at it. I am not trying to be lazy here. I am just trying to be real. My REAL is that I have some free time each day. I do. I am not busy every second of my day. But I want to use that free time to do things I enjoy. And exercise and not eating snacks are things I don't enjoy. I enjoy watching Oprah. I enjoy watching Oprah while eating a snack. I am not happy with the ongoing pressure to break that daily tradition and actually move my body. I know, I know...NO ONE LIKES TO EXERCISE but those who do, get off their arses and get it done and I just bitch about it. Maybe when Peter is in school all day. Maybe I will have more freedom to STILL watch Oprah AND exercise. And no, I don't want to exercise WHILE watching Oprah - I can't concentrate and I am not comfortable. I like to get comfy w/ a blanket and beverage and a snack. Just keeping it real....

Snoring etc.

I snore now. For a while i was in denial. I remember one of the first times someone told me this was my dear friend Stephanie when we got together in Indy. I think this was 6 years ago...maybe 5. In the morning she said "Jules, you snore now". Stef and I had slept in the same room or same apt for 5 or 6 years of lives together. I couldn't believe it. WHY was I snoring. Then Rob would tell me i was snoring and I truly believed it was my allergies. For me, snoring is a repulsive horrible thing a 55 year old fat man would do. Not me. So anyway, my real point is that when I do snore, which I believe is ONLY when I am on my back (I must think this b/c otherwise further embarrassment), Rob will lightly shake the bed to get me to stop. Lately, this is not only getting me to stop snoring, it WAKES ME UP FOR THE DURATION. Now I know it's not his fault b/c he wants to sleep to and I am clearly getting in the way of that. But at the time, I am just furious. Plus I add in the irritation of the REASON I am on my back is b/c my arthritis is so bad in the hips that I can't sleep on my sides anymore. I know, poor me - bad hips, middle aged snoring. Sick of it.
But while I am on it, let me also add a few more ailments that I believe are age related. Lately - zits on my chest. WHAT? Why? I don't even have a chest. It's ridiculous. My memory - it's not JUST that I don't remember things, but I can't explain things...like loss of words. One day this week I signed "Julie" to things all day. WHAT??? As a kid I was called Julie but my family always called me Julia and most other have called me Julia since the mid 80's so what's up with that. Then I tried my hardest to explain that thing when you take money out of your paycheck each month to build up a medical expense fund - see I can't even think of it now. And lastly, the peeing. If I have to pee, it's not a feeling, it's actually pee leaving my body. If I walk even close to the bathroom, I have to pee like I have held it for years. When peter is going potty, I nearly rip him off that toilet so I can pee even though moments before we were in that room, I didn't have to go at all.
So -
I snore
I am sore
I have newly appointed acne
I can't think or remember clearly
And I start peeing before I am fulling even sitting on the toilet.
Well - I will say this. I am getting a guard for my teeth b/c of my TMJ and maybe that will help the snoring. Otherwise, i want my own room. I know I am in the running to inherit the worst arthritis so that's just a sad reality. The acne - who knows and really, who cares. The mind- it's going, I know it's going, I have a long history of brains going so really this is Rob's problem, and the peeing - well, if I pee my pants that's not he worst thing that could happen today.

It's been a week...

Well - It's been a week since my last post. That sentence sounded like a confession - "forgive me bloggers, for it's been an entire week since my last post".
Well, what can I say. Lice came back. I was PMSing (which deserves a post of it's own). Peter was sick. It seems it rained ever minute since my last post. And my house is out of control w/ crap b/c our basement being finished. I climb over crap. And I literally climbed over crap this week b/c Harper was sick again w/ puking. Ahhhh....what a glorious week.
Remember when lice hit our family almost 3 weeks ago and I was so positive, such a good lice role model? Well, that's over. I hit a wall. Something happened when the lice came back that I can't explain. Except for that NOTHING nothing nothing could make me feel better. Not music, not a nap, not my Yankee candles. Nothing. I was a bitch. You know how it if to be really hungover but you have to work anyway - you have to GO ON. That's how it felt. Like all I was truly capable of was about 10 minutes of existence and then I was done. But again, I kept in mind my usual mantra - It's not cancer. Rules to live by. So if I ever DO get cancer, I am going to be shit out of luck.
So we plugged along. Rob was off work for much of this bout so he helped a ton by vacuuming ever square inch of the house. I laundered and treated and picked and laundered. I cried and pouted and cried and pouted more. I was basically a big baby from Wednesday until yesterday. I probably felt better yesterday b/c I was actually sick of being miserable. And I just turned it around.
All of this lice business isn't just physical work - it means my kids miss school, can't have play dates, and when it's raining - can't go outside. Caged. We were caged.
But today is a new day. It's a pretty sad state of affairs when the root canal that i am scheduled for today isn't really phasing me. Could be the Valium, but I think it's because I haven't really had time to dwell on it. Usually the dental work makes me want to puke and hide. But I am doing just fine this morning. The more I think about it, the more I guess it is the Valium.
And of course, I have other things to discuss....work, clients, people. But no time this morning. I just switched laundry, have to shower, get lily up to pick through her hair and pray she can get through the lice gates at the nurses office and get back to school. She NEEDS it. I NEED it.

What I have learned this week...

One thing I learned this week is that I am better and so are the ones around me when I have very little extra "out of the house" duties. A big full plate is something that works well for some - motivates them, encourages them, keeps them stimulated. And when I first had the girls, I yearned for that. I wanted meetings, projects, collaboration, results- whether they were work or volunteered related. I felt successful in some arena of my world. And loved the positive feedback! When I taught Gymboree Music and some parent would say "great class" or a child REALLY learned something, I was thrilled b/c as is true for most mothers, my "home" duties went mostly unrecognized. So the stress of getting ready for class each week was worth it - the trade of was a good one. Fast forward through all the "extra"things I have done since Maeve was born - work, festivals, community events....from time to time in life, they have all been worth the trade off. But recently, I have really had to reconsider if that holds true any more.

I can't explain why but maybe I don't need the "positive feedback" anymore - I mean, still the home duties aren't popular for gaining me any strokes but maybe I just don't need that anymore. I can't say for sure on that one. But these days I am much happier saying NO to committees and events and sometimes even work. I am happier being at home, settled in with my crew. Happier cleaning, cooking, reading, and being. I am not saying that I will never do anything again but I think I will consider the "trade off" each time. Yesterday I was in charge of crafts for the Fall Festival. This is so reflective of the change within me. A few years ago, I planned that entire event and even though I recognized the stress of it, the trade off was HUGE. I was proud and felt it was a good accomplishment. Fast forward and yesterday I couldn't even manage to drum up much enthusiasm for the craft table.

Some of this enlightenment came last week when the Nicolls were sequestered w/ lice. I honestly can say those were some great days. I was relieved of all of my out of house duties and the kids obviously were too. We were just HERE. It was amazing how much calmer we all were with no where to go. We had plenty to do under this roof and I really enjoyed it. And I could feel a real difference in me during the lice. SINGLE MINDED and that single was HOME.

The shift within me is not fully understood by me but I really feel it enough to recognize it. Maybe next year, I wll be right back into the thick of activity. Who knows. But for now, I want nothing more than to build a fire, light a candle and hunker down. Call it old school or my continued wish to be Ma Ingalls but this is certainly a better match for me these days than sitting in the freezing air encouraging kids to come make pine cone bird feeders or showing a client, who I know will never ever buy anything, a house this afternoon. The trade off is just not worth it.

The NRA.....yes, the NRA

Well for days now, I have been getting calls w/ "NRA" on the caller ID. And unless really necessary, I don't usually answer the phone, especially for things like the NRA. But today, the mood struck me right to answer the phone, to find out exactly why the NRA is stalking me every day.
Hello.
Can I speak with Mr. Nicoll?
Nope, he's not home.
Okay, we will try him again.
Really? You don't want to talk to me - I am MRS. Nicoll?
Uh...okay. Hi, I am Jason and I am a member of the NRA. Can I play you a audio segment from the President of the NRA and have you answer some questions after.
Sure.
I then listen to Mr. NRA President talk w/ outrage about the United Nations trying to take away our 2nd amendment and just wait until the "gun hating elite media" portray the US as getting in the way of the UN's bill.....blah blah blah.
After Jason says "did you get a chance to hear the message?"
Yep.
"Are you comfortable with "THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES DECIDING OUR RIGHTS?"
Hmmm, wait a minute. 3rd world countries?
So I say "I know you just said 3rd world countries but do you mean the UN?".
"Well, yes, the UN is made up of many 3rd world countries."
I say "AND other countries like England, THE UNITED STATES,....."
"Yes, England is in the UN".
Then I finally just had to break this up w/ a big reality check. So I say "listen - when you call people up on the phone in hopes of gaining some momentum or commitment and you use language not quite totally accurate, you will loose all thoughtful, intelligent people along the way. Certainly, most people don't just BUY this crap do they? And I can speak for both MR and MRS Nicoll - we are anti gun all day long so you have called the wrong house. And I have another question - why did you ask for my husband and not me?"
"Well, we find that morr men than women like to weigh in on gun issues".
I felt like Seth Myers from Weekend Update when I had to give the "really?"
"Well, I would like to thank you for taking the time today."
And I would like to thank you for making my blood boil.

Proud mother

Today in the car...
"Maeve, you know how I said I can't read Chapter books? Well I only have about 4 pages left in a Judy Blume book. I read the whole thing starting last night. Ask mommy!" Lily said.

"I don't need to ask Mommy" said Maeve.

"You believe me?" Lily said.

"Yes, I believe you b/c I have always said you are a good reader". Maeve replied.

I just drove, acting like I wasn't eavesdropping on their conversation and smiled the whole time. So proud of them both. I will never forget this moment.

Random thoughts..Jewel, Real Estate and lice

Well I went to Jewel yesterday and I have to say - the prices were unbelievable. I was going crazy. I was DYING to discuss w/ someone - an employee, a shopper. No one cared. I couldn't believe it. I was alone in my passion. I was definitely talking out loud enough that if other wanted to join in, they could have just jumped right into my disbelief. But, instead, people acted like $1 Goldfish was an everday day thing. I would say "can you believe this?" And they would look at me like I was nuts.
So, I race home to tell Rob - "I got Life cereal for a buck fifty!!". He could barely care.
Now...I realize that I have always been driven by a bargain but come on. DOESN'T ANYONE REALIZE HOW FABULOUS IT IS TO GET A BIG BOX OF GRANOLA BARS FOR 2 BUCKS.

Anyway - I had to go inward and move on. It really sucks to have to squash joy.

I had an excellent Open House and felt my Real Estate ignition turn on just a bit for the first time in a long time. The attendees were REAL buyers and not just crazies.

And I finally realized what's got me down with the whole lice thing - FEAR. Not the work or the picking or the experience we have had thus far even but the fear of what lies ahead. What if the lice weren't all killed. What if I can't get them all? What if I can't pick them all out of lily's hair by tomorrow when we are back to school. What if I go to pick her hair today and there are MORE? Pure fear.

My sweet boy is having trouble sleeping without me again. It's sweet and for all those naysayers out there who think I am enabling him - shut it. I challenge any loving human to look into his eyes and deny him. He usually goes up to bed and I tuck him in and then he comes down about 3 minutes later and says "I can't sleep very well". It's too sweet. He's in his jammies all warm and snuggly and I know he will just curl up and be loving and funny. I know he will give me tons of kisses and sweetness. Who can deny love? Well I say this much - not mama! And i even think Rob enjoys our evening time b/c it's the only time it's just the 3 of us. So, he just sits w/ us, makes us laugh and then falls asleep so I take him up to his bed....No harm done.

Dark days of lice...

Well the PMA is waning. I'm not gonna lie.
Woke up today a big crab ass. Just pure crabby. All I want to do is sit in my room with a ongoing full cup of hot coffee and watch a mixture of old 90210 reruns w/ some football. But, alas, I am a parent and wife, I must march on.
Complaints of the day -
Why can't the sun shine?
Why are the knives back in the knife block when I really want them in an old Ball Jar?
Why did I ever say I would help with crafts for the Fall Festival. You would think this is no big deal since I used to plan the whole event - but now it seems far to much to ask of myself.
How can I find it in me to fold one more goddam load of laundry?
Then put it away or even ask others to put it away - seems like way too much.
Why can't Peter pee alone?
Why can't Lily count pine cones alone?
Why can't Maeve clean her room alone?
Why can't I just watch 90210?

But onward. I guess I will sign off and vacuum. I think I am supposed to do this every day to make sure I rid our house of nits, live lice - whatever the hell I am fighting here. And then pick some more "seseme seeds" from Lil's hair.
And the Bears have a BI week. I hate BI weeks.

LIfe with Lice

Well, we are surviving life with lice. Sometimes even thriving...

You see, when people make you dinner and you are not able to work outside the home and the children can't attend activities = you hunker down and life is pretty good. I have been super relaxed and even occasionally giddy. It's a pretty interesting snapshot of life...that what makes me happiest is just "being". Not going, not working but just being. And I can not understate the value of dinner being cooked for a family. When we had Peter, it was amazing and I don't think I cooked for 2 months. I truly appreciated it then like you can't believe. So in my book, I would have to procreate or loose a loved one to have dinner brought to my door again. Who would have thought that LICE would have done the trick.

Now there are down sides to lice. Peter can't play w/ friends and he doesn't understand why.

2 of the 3 children have home made hair cuts leaving one of them to look slightly forlorned. The recurrence of lice is always on my mind. An itch, a little piece of fuzz all resemble scary notions to me. But the worst part is having the school nurse comb through Lil's hair day after day and not let her come to school. It's heartbreaking to see her little face and I just hope to God she doesn't feel shamed by the whole. I personally have made this thing into a pretty big party so I am hoping THAT is what she will remember - not the denial into school.

Maeve did get to go back to school for her class election and she DID win the girl representative spot for student council. She is SO happy and I was practically in tears. In fact, Lily asked Maeve if anyone cried after the election and Maeve laughed and said "no, only mommy does that". Anyhoo - I will quote her exact words.

"I have to thank you b/c I think the part that did it for me in my speech was the part about being friends with everyone, even the boys. (my idea). Because when I looked up after reading that, everyone had an expression on their faces like "hmm, she's a good person"".

Seriously - how sweet and hilarious is that??!!

The next day, during out daily lice check with our school nurse, I told the nurse it was all worth getting Maeve back in on Thursday b/c she won the election. The nurse was excited for Maeve and all Maeve said was "there were a lot of great speeches".

Now I truly don't remember being mature in 4th grade and I am certain I wasn't humble. WHO is this girl? I must claim her as my own and be proud. She amazes me daily w/ her genuine kindness and it almost makes up for turtle like movement when we are trying to get out the door each day. Another thing, I might add, NOT inherited from me.

So we plug along and enjoy each day. We have movies and books and finally the sunshine. What can you do, right?

But, if by Tuesday (we are off Monday), the lice are fully back or Lily still can't get into school b/c of the damn nits, I will slit my wrists.

Rice Krispie Treats from a friend
A Blizzard from Dairy Queen
Home made meatballs and gravy
Chilli Mac dinner w/ all the trimmings including Tecate and dessert
Another trip to Dairy Queen for lunch
Treats at Caribou
Home made brownies from my neighbor.
All the pounds I have packed on in the name of fighting lice- WORTH IT.

A few more thank yous...

Also wanted to thank my daughters who are truly seeing the bright side of lice. Lots of TV. To Lily, who has hung w/ me all day w/ very little complaining. And to Maeve, who said when she thought she might miss her class elections (she is running for class rep for student council) that there is "always next year". Clearly her maturity is astounding and closely resembling that of her mother's. And to her friend Ally who called after school to check on her - like a real friend. So sweet and caring.

Long day...I mean week

Well I will start w/ yesterday - no Monday.
On Monday I had my usual medication that is mandatory for me to have dental work. A little Valium and some nitrous. This time it wasn't as effective....I wasn't AS happy as last time. But I survived. A few hours later I went to a funeral. A gut wrenching and beautiful funeral. If there is one thing FO SHO w/ me is that my emotions run the gamut and are at surface level at all times just waiting to be called upon. This is no different this day. My tears were for others. For my friend and her family and their devastation. I could feel their pain in the eulogy and in the priest's words and in the many of attendees. It was a tough one. And it was one of those where you leave thinking.." I am going to live my life differently - i will make big changes - I will appreciate every moment". Hopefully I can follow through on some of that but we all know - even w/ the best intentions, we all slip back into the day to day.
Next - Tuesday. I wake up about 45 minutes later than usual. Could NOT drag my arse out of bed. I am sure it was a bit fat combo of the remaining Valium, Novocaine, nitrous, and sadness that ran through my body the day before. Nonetheless, this 45 mintues indulgence caused me to leave the house about 4 minutes late. For me - that's a big deal. I HATE being late - Well, actually I HATE being on time - I want to be early. So on the way to St. Mark's we are stopped by a train. I had the audacity to look at some elderly drivers and wonder why the hell they couldn't wait until later to be out and about - b/c I mean, seriously - they have all day, don't they? Anyway , as we waited for the train, all I could hope for was that this wasn't a color day. Or a shape day. If I walk in that school and see everyone in blue or bringing circled shaped items for the board, I will just die. As luck would have it - we were safe. Just a regular ole day. Thank goodness.
And last but not least - and Rob feels this isn't Blog appropriate conversation - but I shall not be shamed by this. WE have lice. Yes, the Nicolls have lice. Discovered last night. Treated ever since. I KNOW we will survive it but the process is taking a few months off my life. There is no doubt. But I wanted to take this time to say a few thank yous...
I am thankful for Paula who diagnosed and then SHOPPED for me last night in the dark and wind.
I am thankful for my Mom who took control and told me what to do - I say guide me and I will follow.
I am thankful that I had ZERO plans today to rearrange.
I am thankful for our new 75 gallon hot water heater that has kept up w/ the 7 showers and 5 loads of laundry on high heat.
I am thankful for Jenny who brought me her Grandma Rio's spaghetti sauce and meatballs.
I am thankful for my husband who is always an equal partner and will help me as soon as he arrives home.
I am thankful for Mrs. Sakoufakis for putting off class elections until tomorrow JUST to wait for Maeve.
I am thankful for Mrs. Collins who as always makes me feel better when I call school. Always.
So now, I am off to vacuum the car - to delouse it. And then we are going to Daily Queen b/c DQ helps everything -even lice.

Sunday

Here I sit on a Sunday morning - dark and rainy - what a shocker.
Today is exciting b/c we are going to have a date. This afternoon, Rob and I are have a date to go to Lowes and dinner. Floor tiles and pasta. I am so excited and as I was in bed this morning thinking about this, I figured out that I honestly don't think Rob and I have had a date since we were in Saugatuk in July. I really don't think so. YIKES. That is really scary but true.

A friend of mine's mother in law passed away on Wednesday - suddenly. And when people live an active full life and are funny and laugh and full a room w/ joy, then "sudden" really means SUDDEN. I am still shocked just as a distant observer of the situation. It really is one of those 100 reminders we are all always given to be aware that at any time, any moment, even right now - something shocking can happen like this. This is a family who had a rock - a center - a light. And now they don't. So they will create a new rock but they will suffer and for that I am so sad for them all.

Life w/ Lil continues to be challenging. She is tough, She challenges my every fiber. I am definitely at the top of my game dealing w/ her....meaning, I can not improve. It is what it is. It is either good b/c i have dug deep enough to work through the moment of angst or it's not b/c I can't. The worst part is the feeling of being alone it. It's on me to figure this thing out. It's on me to "fix" this emotional behaviour stuff she has. She doesn't do it at school - so they can't help. So the "what am I going to do about this" can really stress a girl out. Well, at least this girl.

My real estate life continues to be full of a wide range of characters. All of which have little quirks that make them "special" to me. And by special, I mean.....

Cheers to a happy Sunday - good Bears game - a trip to Diddier Farms Pumpkin Patch and our date to Lowes.