One thing I learned this week is that I am better and so are the ones around me when I have very little extra "out of the house" duties. A big full plate is something that works well for some - motivates them, encourages them, keeps them stimulated. And when I first had the girls, I yearned for that. I wanted meetings, projects, collaboration, results- whether they were work or volunteered related. I felt successful in some arena of my world. And loved the positive feedback! When I taught Gymboree Music and some parent would say "great class" or a child REALLY learned something, I was thrilled b/c as is true for most mothers, my "home" duties went mostly unrecognized. So the stress of getting ready for class each week was worth it - the trade of was a good one. Fast forward through all the "extra"things I have done since Maeve was born - work, festivals, community events....from time to time in life, they have all been worth the trade off. But recently, I have really had to reconsider if that holds true any more.
I can't explain why but maybe I don't need the "positive feedback" anymore - I mean, still the home duties aren't popular for gaining me any strokes but maybe I just don't need that anymore. I can't say for sure on that one. But these days I am much happier saying NO to committees and events and sometimes even work. I am happier being at home, settled in with my crew. Happier cleaning, cooking, reading, and being. I am not saying that I will never do anything again but I think I will consider the "trade off" each time. Yesterday I was in charge of crafts for the Fall Festival. This is so reflective of the change within me. A few years ago, I planned that entire event and even though I recognized the stress of it, the trade off was HUGE. I was proud and felt it was a good accomplishment. Fast forward and yesterday I couldn't even manage to drum up much enthusiasm for the craft table.
Some of this enlightenment came last week when the Nicolls were sequestered w/ lice. I honestly can say those were some great days. I was relieved of all of my out of house duties and the kids obviously were too. We were just HERE. It was amazing how much calmer we all were with no where to go. We had plenty to do under this roof and I really enjoyed it. And I could feel a real difference in me during the lice. SINGLE MINDED and that single was HOME.
The shift within me is not fully understood by me but I really feel it enough to recognize it. Maybe next year, I wll be right back into the thick of activity. Who knows. But for now, I want nothing more than to build a fire, light a candle and hunker down. Call it old school or my continued wish to be Ma Ingalls but this is certainly a better match for me these days than sitting in the freezing air encouraging kids to come make pine cone bird feeders or showing a client, who I know will never ever buy anything, a house this afternoon. The trade off is just not worth it.
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