Peace Offering

At the risk of sounding all granola, I'd love to offer a peace offering to the Republicans who I know feel both angry and resentful.  And believe me when I say that I started writing this blog before Barack Obama won re-election tonight.  Because as passionate as I am about being a democrat and as strongly as I feel about those issues, I can understand that not everyone agrees with me.  I get that.  I am okay with that.  What's been so tough is how mean and hateful people can be because they don't agree.  I'd say Facebook alone has changed my feelings on someone's entire being because of some of the things they say.  And I've observed that it does seem that when people are making these remarks, they don't care at all if it's offensive. Which concerns me....it scares me.  When did people get so far away from decency that being mean and hateful publicly seems acceptable or funny.  I am not suggesting that people not have these feelings - bc I have them - believe me, I have them big time - but maybe we should try to share them with our like minded friends and family rather than build huge divides with no purpose outside of aggravating those with opposing views.

Peter came home and told me that a boy in his class called Barack Obama a "looser".  He said he held up the L sign for looser. Maeve and Lily had similar stories. It really bummed me out.  I think I've written about this before but in 1976 my Mom stopped me from chanting something I learned at recess - "Carter Carter is our man, let's put Ford in the garbage can".  I thought it was great - I knew my family supported Carter so I thought this was totally hilarious.  My mom stopped me right in my tracks and said no way!  She said we don't disrespect the President, no matter who he is.  So I told the kids this story after Peter told us about the L sign.  I told them we might be passionate about our positions at home and we might have strong opinions about politicians but we can't called the President a looser, no matter what.

So tonight when I made dinner, I started having a horrible feeling....like Obama might not win.  I looked in my china cabinet and decided I'd serve dinner on my Grandma's china.  My Grandma was a big time Democrat and loved politics.  So at dinner I made a toast and I said "no matter who wins, we go to school and congratulate our friends who supported Romney".  And I meant that.

Because it doesn't feel good to have people be so mad.  It doesn't feel good to have such hatred.  It doesn't feel good to not get any work done.  It doesn't feel good to see bumper stickers that say horrible things about our President. It doesn't feel good to see Facebook posts that are so offensive and argumentative. And I am no angel.  I despised George Bush.  And you know what, it didn't feel good.  I speak from experience when I say I wasn't any happier for being mad for 8 years!  SO....let's see how the next 4 years can go.  Let's be open to...something peaceful...something productive...something good!

Better friend, Happier me

I could write about a million things...like how the other day at Mariano's I was reaching up to close the trunk door and sneezed...well sneezing alone makes me pee my pants so a reach and a sneeze combo is dangerous business.  So I immediately ran into the car bc I was literally peeing my pants.  Well, I left the trunk open so a passer byer is honking and motioning and I'm just so flustered.  I get out, close the trunk and this all "put together" Mom passes me in her Volvo and I am left convinced that she would never pee her pants based solely on a sneeze or leave her trunk open while driving....it's my 500th Lucille Ball moment of the week.

Or I could write about how I was carb starving so decided to go to Dunkin Donuts for a toasted onion bagel w/ veggie cream cheese.  While sitting in the front of our public library in my car waiting for my son's tutor and shoving this amazing bagel in my mouth, an always fit and friendly acquaintance of mine goes jogging past me with her golden retriever.  She waves.  I wipe cream cheese from my face.  I wave back.  Disaster.

But today I'm going to write about being a good friend. For a few years I have been less than a good friend and good sister and good daughter.  Yep - all three.  Not that I'm an evil doer it's just that I am horrible at what I consider staying connected...I get all wrapped up my daily life and the next thing I know, 2 months have passed and I haven't spoken to some of my dearest friends.  I'm also horrible at birthdays and other acknowledgements.  Mostly I think of these things after the fact...like "damn, that would have been a great card for Kristi" or "whatever happened with Stef and her family?" or "I wonder how Tara is doing since school started".  I THINK these thing but I don't always act on them....  Recently Maeve's piano teacher passed away.  She was such an interesting person.  I couldn't help to think "why didn't I sit down, have a cup of tea and talk more with Leah".  Why was in such a hurry to just drop her off and pick her up or worse, have her ride her bike.  Now I know that you can't connect with eveyrone but sometimes I get so busy w/ busy work that I don't connect with anyone.  Including myself.  So instead of burying myself in this committee I serve on, I am turning over a new leaf...FEELING CONNECTED.  Some of that has been simple fun good deeds!

I brought my home-made chili to some neighbors.
I brought a Cafe Mocha to a friend when she had a bad day.
I emailed a group of friends a "catch up" email and even followed with a call!
I met a dear friend from Wisconsin for an all day lunch and chat. 

Guess what?  I AM HAPPIER!!!!  YES I have more time since Peter's been in school but sometimes I believe my energies have been displaced...again, not in evil work but just not in what genuinely makes me happy.  It was like I was more worrried about my work with this committee than my work in my life...with my people...with myself.  I wasn't aware of it - I saw it as a responsibility but now it's clear to me.  Time for a change!  Less of what makes me busy and more of what makes me happy!  I contintue to thank Grethen Rubin for making me THINK about HAPPINESS.  Bravo!

Realtor or Social Worker?

I know I do not come across as a polished business tycoon.  I know that I am more of a "sit down with a cup of tea and chat" kind of Realtor.  I can recognize the difference for sure.  When I first became a Realtor (9 years ago!), I was driving my minivan and met an "old school" Realtor at a house.  She pulled up in her big ole Caddy, carried a briefcase and was wearing a pant suit.  I wondered if I'd ever become her.  Clearly - that's not happened so far. I still drive a mini van, my "briefcase" is the same bag you'd see 20 year old girls carry on campus and the only suit I wear is a bathing suit.  So my casual yet personable approach has perhaps, just maybe, given off the vibe that I am also some visiting nurse/social worker.  And it's true, I did spend a decade in social work so I guess it's not a stretch but come on.... Below are some of the things I've learned during the first time I've met potential sellers/buyers.

"My Grandchildren haven't spoken to me in 14 years and when they called me today I gave them the 4 letter word..."fuck you"...

"My wife doesn't know you're here because she hates me and disagrees with everything I do."

"My kid's  families live here once and a while and never pay rent or clean up but that's because my son is unemployed and runs out of food stamps and his daughter is a witch so we kicked them out".

"Go ahead and look around the house, I'm watching golf." (and smoking and drinking)

"My husband and I were pretty God-damned proud of what we accomplished so there's no way I'm taking down all of my art."

"My wife won't take her meds and won't let me leave the house.  I only get to leave when I drive her places".

Well - the list goes on and on but I'll stop here....  But my point is don't be surprised if the next time you see me, I'm wearing a suit and high heels, have an ear piece in as my phone and roll up in a Lincoln.

Emotionally Unstable...Again...

I have loved having Peter in my life and only a few times throughout his 6 plus years have I wanted to ring his neck.  He's been a dream.  Believe me when I say that I don't take this for granted!!  I KNOW how hard it is to love a kid that makes your life extremely difficult.  I KNOW years of tough parenting - tough b/c of me and tough b/c of the kid.  I know it's not always easy.  It just has been with him.  I always have thought God knew we needed more LOVE and so Peter arrived.  And although his arrival pushed LC into the depths of darkness for a few years, I do believe he has a purpose and that's to teach me to ENJOY this parenting gig a little more than I was!  HE seems to be Gretchen Rubin (author of The Happiness Project) in kid form.

So it's no surprise that I would rather he not have to go to school all day. So all summer people would ask him "are you excited for 1st grade?" and he'd respond "no, I don't want to be away from my Mama all day".  (Note - I'm not making this up - he really does say stuff like this!!)

The night before school started, I cried my way though Mariano's.  I cried in every aisle.  I cried so much I had to use my shirt as a kleenex.  Yes, I exposed my stark white stomach loaded w/ steri-strips from my gal bladder surgery so that I could use my shirt to blow my nose.  I was a total DISASTER.  

I got it together and encouraged and cheered him on like a normal emotionally stable mom would do.  But each day, his reluctance was getting worse and worse  So I broke the Parenting 101 rule of a "quick drop off" and agreed to actually walk him in the doors.  I would walk him and would say good bye in the foyer.  Well, then he wanted me to start taking him to his classroom.  Even I know this is NOT a good idea.  In my head I was saying "of course, I'll take you to your classroom and I'll hold you all day...you can sit on my lap and we can have lunch together....." but I was at least wise enough to leave those thoughts in my head.  When I told Peter that I couldn't go to the classroom, he was teary.  I WAS TEARY.  Get it together lady!!!  A staff came up and suggested I drop him in the valet line...a quick drop and run process.  Rip that band-aid right off.  What?  Is this woman insane?  I AM NOT DROPPING HIM OFF LIKE THAT!!!  Yes, that would be a good idea and yes, that's what most normal emotionally stable moms would do but that's not me.  Yes, that might be better for Peter and yes, the majority of parents do this but WHAT?  So he eventually went to his room and I cried in my car.  I cried at my office.  I cried at home when I was forced to take a mid day bath for therapy purposes. See he's not the ONLY one who doesn't want him to go!!!  The problem with this little scenario is that I don't want him to go as much as he doesn't want to go. But then I came to my senses realizing, sadly, that there's no going back.  This is for real.  He's in school now.  Reality.  Life.  So after school I told Peter that if he could go into school with a quick hug and a kiss, I would reward him in 1 week with a lunch date to Culver's.  He asked if he could get a root bear float.  I said "yes" and he said "okay".

So that worked.  He is going in just fine.  Not running in but also not hanging his head. Culver's can cure all things.  And I guess I'll be okay too.  Well let's be honest, the verdict is still out on that one!

Out of focus

It's no secret that my ability to focus on more than a few things at one time is a continuous challenge for me.  So it should be no secret that my diet, which take extreme focus, has suffered at the hands of a busy schedule.  Here is a list of the foods I ate on Friday as I was chasing satisfaction...which was sadly never found.

Kashi granola bar
single scoop of Culver's Flavor of the Day
3 slices of turkey deli meat
soy ice cream bar
chips and salsa
turkey/mozzarella melted English muffin
bowl of frosted mini wheats
wheat things w/ yes, more cheese

All of these foods were consumed after 3:00.  PM.  SICK. I know it's sick.  I just was searching like crazy for some kind of need to be met.  I should have just gone to Old Country Buffet.  I should have just admitted that the "kashi" and "soy" and "wheat" were all bullshit words that helped me feel better about eating TONS OF CRAP.

So my point is that sometimes we eat like crap and sometimes we don't.  For me, I feel a little better when i don't.  So I'm going to try to do that - eat less crap.

When You Know Better...You Know TOO Much!

I think I can safely say that my generation of mothers are uber conscientious about our parenting....What are we doing well?  How are we failing?  And I don't think our constant evaluation stops at parenting.  I think we put a ton of pressure on ourselves to be good well-rounded adults...woman, wife, friend and citizen of the world.  I have to wonder how this came to be.  I truly don't think our mothers were spending their time scrutinizing if we watched too much TV or if they were contributing to society enough or how could they be better wives.  I think they did their job as mother, church members, wives and  just did them.  I think they simply just did it. Meaning, they didn't sit around questioning their instincts...they just did it.  You go to church b/c it's right.  You eat meatloaf b/c it's what I made.  You don't watch Dallas b/c it's garbage.  I don't believe there were follow up thoughts like "well, if all of the other kids are watching Dallas, I certainly don't want her to feel left out.  Maybe I'll call Joan to see if she's letting her daughter watch Dallas".

I think my mom had some basic guidelines.  

no sugar cereal

no nude pantyhose until high school

no pierced ears until 6th grade

no watching shows like Dallas or Knots Landing

be home on time

eat what's served 

go to church

Beyond that I don't think she was scratching her head wondering what she could do to ensure I was a good person.  I think she, like most mothers of her generation, just put her faith in me and the process and probably figured if I didn't make it, I'd figure it out on my own. She wasn't asking me how my friends were or if I had any life questions.  She didn't try to make sure I got a certain teacher or a friend in my class.  It was what it was. She didn't have parenting magazines, talk shows (beyond Phil Donuhue!) blogs and books to consult (or in my case, books that make me feel guilty that I don't read them!).  I wonder what my mom talked to her friends about on the phone? I just have a feeling it wasn't about us. 

So back to the question.  Why are we constantly evaluating our successes and failures.  Why can't we just be.  Maybe one reason is that whole Maya Angelou philosophy of "when you know better, you do better".  Maybe we just know too much.  Personally I know way too much.  My  head spins with information about organic food, high fructose corn syrup, too much TV, too much technology, bed times, reading, flash cards, math games....are we active enough, are we too busy.....time with your husband, date nights, social time, exercise, too much caffeine, not enough water, too many carbs, not enough protein.....volunteer in your community, volunteer at school, volunteer in your child's classroom, do something for the poor, feed the hungry.....go to church, volunteer as a family....OMG.....too much info!!!!  It's just way too much - at least for me.  I do actually have friends who can master much of the list above but I know I can't and what I'm really starting to think is that's okay.  I mean I hope it's okay b/c like I said, I can't do it all and the stress of knowing that can be exhausting.  So why not let it go?  Why not say "okay, I've done what I can and I have faith that they will turn out well and if they don't, they'll figure it out".  I bet I'd feel a ton better if I could quiet those voices that say "you should...".  I'd feel so much happier if I could shut out the judgement...my own judgement.  

So as school was quickly approaching, I started to feel real anxiety about the summer.  Was this the summer I had planned?  Did I get to both have fun AND relax and restore?  Did we do enough to be ready for school mentally?  Well I can honestly say I don't know.  But if I don't let it go, I'll drive myself crazy.  I didn't exercise or walk enough or read enough or go into the city enough or clean out closets or work with Peter enough on academics and the list goes on and on.  And as I'm typing, I'm tempted to make a list of what I DID to just to prove that indeed, this summer was awesome.  But I'm not going to that b/c I'm working on stopping evaluation and the list would only continue that mentality...  Summer was what it was - no evaluation necessary.  School will start whether I'm ready or not.  My kids will survive.  I will too.  Now I'm going to go light up a cigarette, pop open a Coke and read the newest addition of Reader's Digest....oh, sorry, that was my Mom!

Walmart - The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Only at Walmart....

Only at Walmart can you shop in your own town and never see anyone you know.  In fact, my Walmart is literally blocks from my house and sometimes it feels like I might as well be at the Walmart in Florida or Ohio or Texas. Who the hell are these people?

Only at Walmart is basil more expensive than a pair of shoes.

Only at Walmart do people (and by people I mean me) feel it's totally appropriate to open up a package of underwear to see it's actual size.  (How in the hell does Hanes and Fruit of the Loom expect the consumer to know what a "hipster 6" is?).

Only at Walmart can you get salad, poster board and a mop.

Only at Walmart do you stand in front of the meat section and wonder where the ground beef came from and what the chicken is really all about.

Only at Walmart do you leave feeling not sure if you got good deals or ripped off.

There's no better place for school supplies for sure and it's a great "go-to" for last minute items.  But I sincerely wish they could really get the whole package together.  I do not expect to pay $6/lb for ground beef at Walmart and I am guessing the rest of their shoppers feel the same...so figure out who you are - cheap?  cheap but expensive?  Just figure it out - until then, it remains a mystery - a place that you just walk out of and wonder....what just happened????

Boredom - A Necessary Emotion

We have had quite a summer so far....great parties, dinners out, friends over, pool time, movies etc.  I, for one, can't keep this up.  I don't want to keep it up.  I have a strong longing for "old school" summer....for a time when summer was quiet and restorative.  I mean, if school started next week, we'd all be screwed because I think, as a whole, we are pooped out.  So my mission is to make this 2nd part of summer a quieter more creative time in hopes that it's restorative enough so that on 8/22 we feel ready!

So how can I do that with kids who want to GO GO GO and they want to GO GO GO WITH FRIENDS. Well, because I think it's important to slow it down, I'm going to have to say "no" to constant request for activity.  I guess I just think you have to get bored so that your brain can come up with something interesting - something you create on your own and doesn't involve another person or the TV.  I keep going back in my memory to the summer of 1978.  That summer my best friend, Krissy, went to Texas for the summer.  I was bored.  BUT here's what I really remember.  I biked to our library a lot.  I read great books that summer.  Summer of the Swans, Bridge to Terrabithia, and of course, a lot of Judy Blume.  I do not remember the summer of 1977 or the summer of 1979 but I do remember the summer of 1978.  It was quiet and I was alone - so I created and discovered and pondered.  I can honestly remember the sound and smell of "summer" and the way my room looked and felt and the way the air smelled when someone had their sprinkler on when it was hot outside.  There was no pool, my parents didn't have parties, there weren't festivals or events every weekend, there weren't a million ice cream shops or restaurants to walk to....it was a quiet suburban summer. Can you imagine?

Peter just woke up and in his barely conscious state he said, "besides golf, what else are we doing today?".  THIS is exactly what I'm talking about....OH NO!!!  These kids think life is a Carnival Cruise....left to his own devices he'd have NO idea what to do.  So we have given them a fabulous summer so far with great memories of parties and friendship but I've also cheated them out of boredom.

So here's to the 2nd part of summer - let's see how effective I can be in getting my kids to relax, think, create and be quiet in body and mind!

Rants

I swear I've written a blog ranting about the people in the world who are ON MY LAST NERVE.  And even if I have, here's an update....

Dear people in the Mariano's parking lot....Do NOT stop right behind my car and wait for me to unload my cart into my car.  Move your car to a currently available spot.  The more you watch me, the longer it will take me.  It's summer for pete's sake....TAKE A WALK.

Dear people who instead of stopping at a 4 way stop and then moving on, actually stop.....then wait for me to stop.....then make sure I'm not going to go....then nod....then say "go ahead"....OH MY GOD..you were at the stop sign 45 seconds before I even arrived.  IT'S YOUR *^&#IN' TURN!!!!

Dear kids under 5 - Shut UP at the grocery store.  We know you don't want to be there.  Guess what - either do we.

Dear kids over 12 - GET DRESSED.  No one needs to see that much of you.  If you're embarrassed to wear it in front of your Grandfather, than DON'T WEAR IT.

Dear kids under 3 - stop crapping at Meadows Pool.  Every time you crap, it costs me a few bucks.

Dear ice cream man - move it along.

Dear "today's buyers" - granite and stainless are cheap forms of value.  They mean nothing.  Please stop saying those 2 words.

Dear Moms at parks - it's not okay that your kid is taking a pee at the park....please don't pick them up, pull their pants down and let them "tinkle" at the park. Not cool.

Okay - I feel better.

The End

My Dad

I read something yesterday that a woman wrote about her Dad.  She was writing about how it felt when he hugged her - the smell of the hug.  The Old Spice, the starch of the shirt.  I sat and read that and was instantly crying.  She wrote how she doubts she's been properly hugged since he passed away.  I am a complete emotional rag-doll when it comes to my Dad.  Anything Dad related and I am a mixture of pride, joy, sentiment and fear.  Fear of the day he will no longer be in this world with me.  I have lived with this fear for decades. I have imagined the moment...then I am so terrified by that image that I shake it off in hopes that that day will never come.  So instead of worrying about that today, I thought I'd write a little bit about my Dad.
My Dad is The King.  When he would write us notes when we were kids, he'd sign "The King" and underneath he drew a crown.  He WAS the King.  To me, the greatest joy of my day would come at 5:00 - the moment my Dad got home.  I would sometimes wait at our front door watching for him to pull up.  I'd run out to meet him, take his work clothes and hopefully get a Charleston Chew or Marathon bar. My Dad worked really hard and we all knew it.  He was a "steelworker" and I was "the daughter of steelworker" and I knew he meant we were tough.  I hated when my Dad had to go to work.  I can remember sitting on his lap asking why he had go and he'd say "I have to go to work to buy you a sandbox". Reluctantly, I'd let him go.
I never wanted to upset my Dad.  That remains true today.  I have done a million things in my life in the spirit of making my Dad happy....silly things and meaningful things.  He hated corner booths so when we would go out to dinner, to the quintessential Greek diner Prime Minister, I'd run ahead to tell the hostess "no booth".  I know it seems weird and people might wonder if we did get a corner booth what would happen.  It's not like he yelled or went crazy, it just wasn't what he wanted and I only wanted to see him get what he wanted. 
I also never wanted to disappoint him - which is probably impossible to accomplish especially during those teen years.  I would beg my mom please don't tell Dad. Unfair, but true. One time while I was in high school, my brother and I were locked out of the house and we had to wait outside for my Dad to get home.  He finally got home and I was so hungry so I started making something to eat and he asked me to unload the dishwasher.  I was so mad that I did it but I made sure he knew I was mad by slamming silverware etc.  He walked over to me and calmy said "get out of my kitchen".  I crumbled.  I was devastated.  I bawled and sobbed and put myself in solitary confinement.  I literally had to take the next day off school b/c I was so devastated that my Dad was clearly so upset by my behavior.  To this day, I can't remember any other time he was cross with me.
Every time I am with my Dad, I just want to sit with him and listen to him tell me great stories like about when he was a kid and he got lost going home from school for lunch even though he only lived 2 blocks away so when he made it back to school he got lunch in the teacher's lounge.  That same school provided dental care and the kids could take naps in the afternoon.  Or I love when we get to talk politics and sports and books.  He makes me laugh every time.
I could write a book of fun stories..things that only Peter Sanders would say or think.  I could write about how I have always felt special in my Dad's eyes.  I could write how he used to say to me, "I've spoiled your for all men" and we'd laugh and laugh.  I could write about how he'd drive me to "the rink" and to ballet and back and forth 10 plus hours to college. I could write how I'm not alone...anyone who knows my Dad feels the very same way I do!  But...let's end here...
My Dad will be 80 in October.  He's a great man who worked so hard for his family.  He's brighter than most people I know.  He's charming and funny and quick witted. I adore him for no specific reason which is the best reason.  I adore him because I never felt more a part of anyone else in my life...  I have said and felt that "I'm just like my Dad" a thousand times.  Who knows if I am or if I just want to be!

Don't Envision - Just Arrive

I really do remember thinking I would be a great parent to teenagers.  I really thought I could easily remember the emotions of that age and therefore, could nail this parenting thing during these years.  I mean, this is right in my wheelhouse - open dialogue, empathy, support !  I just remember thinking I'd be better at this than I was at the creative/playful stages of parenting.  So here we go I guess....let's see if I can walk the walk.


Here's something that I never considered.  What if my child doesn't want open dialogue?  Hmmm?  I mean I certainly didn't want open dialogue w/ my mother that's for sure.  BUT I thought I'd be a cooler hipper version of my mom and who wouldn't want to break down life's details with this kick ass made-for-TV mother?  So here I am readjusting....again.  I must find the balance of being open without being TOO much for my fairly emotionally reserved child.  How can I be there, get the scoop, counsel and advise if I don't know anything?  Maybe there's nothing to know.  Maybe I'm not quite needed yet.  Maybe I AM too curious/worried about the interactions of today's tween with the world.  Maybe I should just let go a little bit....  HOLY SHIT...letting go has never been one of my strong suits.


So I have this tween who is the most tired human alive.  To be fair, she's mostly pleasant and only possesses about a third of the obnoxiousness that her mother exhibited in 6th grade.  So I'm so happy about that.  At the core we have ZERO problems - just the typical argumentative crap and occasional manipulation.  I can live with that.  I just need to change my vision.  I envisioned that she would come home and from school and say "I felt so insecure today and I don't know what to do?" or "I'm having this problem with a friend and I don't know what to do".  MAMA TO THE RESCUE.  Here's the great news - I DO know what to do.  I held onto those memories and lessons for a reason - for this very moment  - to pass down my wisdom- to save my kids from any and all pain!!  However, it appears that's not how my 12 year old rolls.  No pouring-her-heart-out to me moments.  I just have to change my vision again bc to be honest, I never considered the other person in that little movie I made for myself.  I never considered that she wouldn't just gobble up my vast knowledge and understanding of being 12.  WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST PLAY ALONG DAMMIT.  The lesson here is that in these visions, that have messed w/ me since I became a parent, are the real problem - they set us up.  I picture myself a certain way, I picture the kids a certain way.  THAT needs to stop.  I need to just NOT envision and instead just arrive to the moment open to all the players.  Not easy - but this is what I've learned in the last 12 hours.  Learning...adjusting....learning...adjusting.....

Domestic Unbliss

Every one once in a while domestic bliss escapes me and I'm left with a big dose of the so-sick-of-laundry-and-cooking doldrums I could puke.  I can go months of culinary inspiration despite the moans and groans of the kids.   Then one day, I can't do it anymore.  I can't create menus for the week.  I can't shop.  I can't cook.  I can't even answer the question "what's for dinner?".  It's like any job I guess - burn out.  Doesn't mean I don't love these cherubs who's never ending need to be fed doesn't go away - but I certainly get SO SICK of the song and dance.  This cycle includes almost all things domestic.  I could feel it coming on big time in the last few weeks.  I could feel the melt down.  The aggravation that I JUST swept yesterday but the floor is already dusty.  The defeated feelings when clothes I washed and folded last weekend still sit in baskets in their room and it's time to do laundry again.  ENOUGH.  I can no longer walk into a bathroom I just bleached and, yet, STILL smell pee from my son hiding somewhere in the crevices of the floor or wall or toilet - who the hell knows. I can't make a meal that only 2 or 3 of us eat.  I can't field questions about ingredients and if they like it or if they've had it before or if I think they'll like it this time or what's really for dinner. I just loose all umph for it all.

When this has happened in the past, I can't even imagine there will be a day to come when I feel like cooking.  I don't know how I will ever make a bed or empty a dishwasher again. And tackling big jobs like changing sheets and organizing closets seem completely out of the question.  Will never happen.  This goose is cooked.  Done.  But somehow, someway, I rally.  Just like all moms.  We dig deep, get over ourselves and get back to business.  Because while I pout and blah around the house, it's clear that it doesn't really make a big difference. It's not like people are walking up to me worried or concerned about my clear descent into the domestic blahs. No one's pouring me wine, drawing a bath or writing me encouraging love notes. It's not like they clue in and then say "OMG  - I bet she's aggravated that our rooms are disasters!  Let's go clean up!". It's pretty clear that the only person who really wants healthy meals, fresh clothes and a clean house is me anyway.  Rob Nicoll  cares and he certainly can rally but apparently he does have a full time job he needs to attend to.  I'm guessing he doesn't love doing both his paying job and then the domestic tasks here while I lay under a heating blanket and watch 3 hours of Snapped on Oxygen.  But once in a while, Mama needs to shut it down.

Maybe it's more than just the domestic responsibilities.  Maybe it's just when everything becomes too much - the domestic stuff is the first to go.  My hope is that tomorrow I will wake up rejuvenated and ready to get back in the game. But maybe tonight, in preparation for my anticipated rally, I will pour myself a glass of wine, draw my own bubble bath and write myself a note that says "you really do kick ass even though you didn't today....".

The Adventures of Mariano's

I've never seen such an overwhelmingly successful venture as this grocery store that came to us 2 summers ago, Mariano's. In an economy when opening up a new business can certainly be challenging, Mariano's just must have known what they were doing. I mean, we all need groceries but we were all already buying groceries somewhere else. So what is it?

I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's part Happy Hour and part European vacation and part necessity. This all sounds a bit glamorized but the part about Happy Hour isn't far off - if you don't want to see someone you know or socialize DON'T GO TO MARIANO'S EVER. Something happened a few weeks ago that had never happened since they opened. I went to Mariano's and didn't see one single person I knew. Not one. Crazy since last Sunday I counted and I saw 8 people that I actually know enough to talk with....which is why you have to pad your shopping time for chatting. Okay - the European vacation part might be exaggerating the point but it does certainly offer some fun more exotic items like unbelievable cheeses, breads, pastries and LOVE the salad/soup bars. And there's the necessity part b/c you certainly can't live without milk, bread and in our case, frozen waffles.

Saying all this, it's still a grocery store. So the process can be laborious. There's still not a day that I don't love walking in there - smelling the orange juice, hearing the piano, wondering who's there. I'm optimistic that I can make this shopping trip efficient and focused. I am energetic and ready - despite having to have to park across the street and/or be waived in my police monitoring the traffic flow. Whatev - I am a tough girl. I am ready. Usually in the produce, I thrive - I know exactly where and what I need to do. Through the salad bar area, I weaken a bit - having already used up a lot of energy strategizing the veggies and my cart etc. The Deli - the deli is a real pivotal moment- this is gut check time people. You've got to dig deep and keep your cool. This past Sunday, I was #24 and they had just announced #80. I actually had to stand there and think about the math on this one....what? When? WHAT???? But alas, I always survive. However by the middle of the store, it can become tiring! (it's just like when we got new washer/dryer and I LOVED doing laundry ....for a while...and then one day, it was just laundry again!) That's about the time that nutrition and prices fall off your list of priorities. No longer can you give a shit if there are 7 grams or sugar 27 grams of sugar, put it in the damn cart and get the hell out of here. $4 or $5.99 - no one cares, get it - get out. By the milk section, I usually can barely concentrate. I am in a full blown talk-to-myself-out loud state of mind just to remain focused. I no longer make eye contract with people I know b/c I've got to get out of here!! And nothing less than pure panic can set in if you realize that you have to go back 3 aisles to get something you forgot, or worse - go back to produce!!!....A mere impossibility. And how in the hell am I going to get all of this crap in my car and then in my house and then in my cabinets. You know I actually drove around killing time once just to wait for Rob to get home and help me unload.

And just think, I start my grocery shopping with a spring in my step and I end it barely conscience. Maybe I should shop somewhere else. Somewhere not so crowded. Somewhere not so busy. Yea right! Mariano's might kick my ass from time to time but it also kicks the ass of every other grocery store out there.

Approaching 44..

In May, I will be 44. Holy shit - 44. I am still a girl. I still run around in a pony tail, listening to current music, cussing far more than I should and I still rap to my kids all day. Sometimes I am more 24 than I am 44. For the most part, I've been in good spirits in my 40's...give or take some shitty days, career ups and downs and challenging phases. Reflecting back on when the girls were born is both difficult because I don't remember a lot of it but also because it wasn't my best time in life. Which is sad. I wrestled with "mom identity" far more than I ever thought I would. I thought I was BORN to be a Mom and wife. The reality is that disappointing yourself is way harder than it sounds. I wished I enjoyed it more - had more fun, took it less seriously, wasn't as bored, and I definitely wish I was WAY less tense! Nonetheless, that's all way better and has been for years. I credit Mt. Prospect, friends, neighbors, prospective and experience for turning that around.

I learned a ton about myself in my 30's. Probably more than my 20's which was FULL of fun, boys and work. When I met Rob, I was 27 and I for sure knew what kind of guy I wanted to date. I knew for sure what kind of girl I was. I knew for sure what I was all about. I really thought I had this whole thing wrapped up. After we had Maeve, I could feel that 20 something girl go away and a whole new person come to light - a MOM. I spent my 30's becoming a Mom. I wish that today I could be a Mom Coach so I could say to new moms- IT'S OKAY. You can admit that watching an infant in a swing can be boring. That meeting other moms at the park can be painful. That nursing in public can be embarrassing. That mom and tot classes are more about you than the tot. That the involvement in family can be aggravating. That being sleep deprived makes you a totally different person. I would say don't be in such a rush to "grow up" and have more babies...take your time, be patient. I would say that loving your baby isn't the same thing as loving parenting. STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP! I would say GET GOOD FRIENDS IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD FIRST. All my good friends lived so far away. I longed to move back to Indy for years...to be with MY people. To feel CONNECTED. If you can feel CONNECTED you are HALF WAY THERE. I wish I could have realized these things.

One thing's for sure, I am glad that I now have the above perspective and experience. Finally in the last couple of years, acceptance. Ahhh, the sigh of relief - the acceptance of NOW who I am as just Julia AND as a mom. NOW I think I've got this thing wrapped up - at least for now. I feel healthier, I've read a lot, I have fun playing, I am thankful for so much, I have hobbies (or obsessions!) and I live a great life. I used to say that 28 was the best year of my life. But I think that 43 just kicked 28's ass.

Deep Thoughts from Peter Nicoll

Peter - "How does someone who passes away get in the stone at the cemetery?"

Me - "They don't. There is a box the body goes in and that box is buried in the ground and the stone is there just to tell us where the box is".

Peter - "I thought heaven was the sky."

Me - "It is. In that box is just the body, not their spirit."

Peter - "What's a spirit?"

Me - "Well it's the thing that makes you YOU. So see my hand how it's moving? That's just my body - that has nothing to do with my mind or my thoughts or my relationships. Weird huh?"

Peter "So, it's like they are passes away but they think they're not".

Me - "Exactly".

Peter - "When police officers are done working and go home, do they leave the lights on their station for the bad guys who are sleeping there?"

Me - "Well, when they home, new police officers come to work b/c the bad guys are there and they need to be ready".

Peter - "They need to be ready for more bad guys?"

Me - "Yep"

Peter - "Why can fireman sleep while they are work? On our field trip we saw they have beds".

Me - "Hmm? Well, I guess b/c they are guarding anything at their station? I'm not sure".

Peter - "I'd rather be a police officer even though I can't sleep at work".

Loosing weight and Real Estate in 2012

Two things I haven't written about in a long time...

Real Estate - Well what can I say. Tons of people ask me about real estate. 2011 has been rough on many accounts. Our role as Realtors is blurry and probably needs a tune up. We Realtors have been bred that we will do whatever it takes to get a deal done. But this philosophy can cause insanity - it can make you feel like you can never do enough or unless you sacrifice your own personal time/boundaries, you aren't doing a good enough job. I think it's like all sales....it's been tough to say "no", it's been tough to keep healthy boundaries and it's been tough to realize what the Realtor can do and what she can't. So in 2012, I will make decisions that are good for my business and for my family. I will chose clients that will bring me joy because they are excited and happy about the prospect of their future. I became a Realtor because I loved the house hunt. Sometimes I bet I enjoy it more than even the buyer. But this economy has created a mindset in buyers that has stripped some of the joy...where the house is just a commodity and not a home, the most important purchase of their lives. And its' not the most important purchase because of the money involved although that's certainly part of it but it's the most important because your home is the heartbeat of your life. My home gives so more than shelter...it gives me and my family a fabulous life. I value HOME. I value the soul of a home. When I am keying into a house with a young family, I am so excited for them - that THIS might be it - this might be the home you bring your babies home. It's tough for me when houses are seen as a dime a dozen. So....I learn, like we do with all professions, what makes me happy and how to work differently within the framework of our current economy. For me, the joy is #1. So this year, I will work for joy....I will understand that I can still be a good Realtor without selling my sanity and soul - two things I value very much!!!!

Loosing weight - Okay. Well for the first time in over a decade, I would say that I'm "in the zone" where I have been able to string together months of focus without being a lunatic. So of course, I ate salty, sugary and fattening food all through the Holidays and Disney World but what's different is in the past, I would have just said "screw it" and gone overboard. I would have indulged to ridiculous ends (like eating a tray of fudge) and I wouldn't be able to wake up the next day and say "that was okay, get back to focus". But for some insane reason, I finally can. It all started with the Grapefruit diet. Do I exercise? Of course not. That is still something that is SUCH a hurdle to me. Such an annoyance. I am still pissed that the world expects this vessel to exercise. GGGEEEESHHHH......can't a girl just give up sugar. But nooooo- not good enough. SO, in 2012 you may see me walking more....with my head phones and I will be singing bc if I'm going to walk, than at least I'm going to have to sing!

2011

My life runs at a pace that is common to today's mom - warp speed. Remember when we were kids and Christmas vacation lasted forever? By the time you got back to school, a lifetime happened. You could go to back a whole new person. Time was methodical and our minds were devoted to a few things. I wonder if my kids think their summer break and Christmas break last so so long. I can remember long summer days in a row where the world was quiet and hot and consisted of reading, dinners, bike rides. As September approached, I knew I could start 5th grade a whole new person because I hadn't really seen friends outside my neighborhood in 3 months. I remember climbing trees, riding my bike to the library....the heat, the sprinklers, the smell of my mom's supper telling me it was time to come in. Time was perfect.

Now I sit here trying to look back at 1 full year of my life. Nearly impossible. I can't really remember last January 1. I can't remember what books I've read or Peter's voice last year. So in looking back, I try to think of the highlights.....travel, the kids being happy, work accomplishments, Rob and I still loving being married to each other.... I also think of the challenges.....work, parenting difficulties, Peter starting school. All in all, I live an incredibly blessed life. So it's tough to ask for anything from this world because I have so much. But if I could ask for a simpler life, I would. The fantasy of less technology, less noise, less pressure, less food options, less entertainment options.......less.........intrigues and comforts me.

I have learned a lot in 2011 -

I learned to play more to which I can credit The Happiness Project

I learned, the hard way, that I need to have better work boundaries.

I learned that it's hard for me to feel like I disappointed people.

I learned that I can loose weight at 43.

What did I do in 2011?

I had lots of fun travel - camping, 2 trips to Door County, Disney, a weekend with friends in Indy, a winter and a summer trip to our good friends in WI.

I drank more in one year than I had in a full decade - thank you McGoons!

I helped plan a huge fundraiser.

I got to sell real estate in my favorite hood - Lincoln Park.

What will I miss from 2011?

I will miss that for part of 2011, my baby was still in preschool.

I already miss when my girls were at the same school.

I will miss that my kids were 11 and 10 and 5.

I will miss this time - even if it's at warp speed.