I caught myself. I caught myself, once again, having zero idea of how to navigate the world of parenting. Well I have some idea but I, with no question, vacillate between total and complete parenting confidence and clueless insecurity!
The other day I felt that Maeve was "putting on" as many 13 year olds do. You know - talking a bit too valley girl for my liking (J.K. girlfriend, J.K.) and being a little too show offy and lastly, contradicting every word I said....you know, basically how every 13 year old in the world acts. But this was all in front of a friend of mine. And more and more this summer there are two Maeves. The one who is here with me at home - normal voice, normal attitude etc. Then there is the Maeve we see when she's with friends. I call that "Disney Maeve". Mostly b/c I like to blame the Disney channel for most things but definitely for teaching kids to scream words instead of speak them and for the over-the-top way kids converse these days. So nonetheless, here I was watching "Disney Maeve" in action.
A little later on, I mentioned these two Maeves to her. I kept just trying to communicate to just "be herself". And she kept saying "that is me Mother...you obviously don't know me". And at first, I was thinking yea right - that's not YOU...that's some TV version of how 8th graders behave...come on, be YOU, be Maeve. But then the light bulb went on and I realized HOLD UP LADY, YOU ARE ASKING A 13 YEAR OLD TO BE HERSELF. NOT POSSIBLE. SHE DOESN'T EVEN REALLY KNOW WHO THAT IS AT THIS POINT. i mean seriously, I struggle with identity half the time and I'm 32. Or 45. So I backed it up and apologized and got a grip. The last thing I want her to think is that I don't dig HER, whatever the version.
It's not easy letting them "be themselves" when sometimes that "self" isn't always fun to see. So since yesterday, I've been embracing that "j.k. girlfriend" side as much as possible. And when I say "the sky is blue" and she says "The sky is not blue Mother, it's gray", I will breathe and remember something I had forgotten these past few weeks....IT'S HER JOB TO ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF ME. SHE'S 13. SHE'S SUPPOSED TO ACT GOOFY. SHE'S SUPPOSED TO CONTRADICT WHAT I SAY. THIS IS THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSE TO BE. BREATHE.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Dear 2013 Mamas!
Dear 2013 Mamas!
Feeling like a bit of a failure lately because you haven't read this month's issue of Parenting magazine or even your schools last Friday Flyer? Or any Friday Flyer ever? I feel your pain.
I probably read 4 Friday Flyers total all year long. This is my confession....Forgive me Father for I have failed to take vitamins, feed my kids organic food, sign my son up for baseball, exercise and read any and all Friday Flyers. This is my truth. Maybe it's your's too.
Every generation has it's challenges. Our's is a generation with an abundance of choice and information. As I've blogged before, I am in the constant game of tug-of-war with doing too much and not being still enough. But it goes beyond that...we are not just worried about our kids....we worry about being total and complete fabulous women, wives, community members, daughters and so on. We are in a constant measure of our selves. Are we good enough? Are we doing enough? Are we taking vitamins, walking, going to church, reading? Are we meditating, praying, doing yoga? Are we cooking whole foods, feeding our kids too much sugar, letting them eat food coloring? Can we be still, quiet, interesting individuals?
Here are some thoughts that cross my mind on a daily basis.
Holy shit - I didn't take fish oil again today. I've got to remember when I get home. (I don't)
Did Peter eat lunch?
Has Peter had any water?
Oh yea - I was supposed to do my PT exercises. Crap.
Are the girls taking too much dance? Should they be involved in other activities?
Has Peter read this summer? Have I read to him? (no)
Has Maeve practiced piano? Holy shit I have paid for piano?
Shit - I totally forgot to get someone to be with Harper when we go camping.
Crap - I haven't gotten ready for camping.
Are the kids wearing enough sunscreen?
I think you get my point....
So today I am confessing because you know what they say - "the truth shall set you free". So here goes.
I forget to take vitamins. I forget to give my kids vitamins. I forget to even buy vitamins. I barely exercise. I only like to read to myself. I have no interest in cooking dinner - organic or not. I'd rather watch Friends than go to church. I'd rather watch Friends than walk around the block. I forget to sign my kids up for things - order them t shirts and yearbooks and spirit wear etc. I'd rather talk on the phone than clean the house. I don't stretch or do yoga and I'd rather lay on a float than swim for my health. I have self help books I don't read. I have never framed a school picture or ballet photo. I dread kid birthday parties. I am NOT the greatest 2013 Mama by today's standards. But really I am okay with that. There is stuff I do well - I talk to my kids....I rap funny songs...I support their ideas. I try hard to balance work and family. I try to hard to teach my kids to do the right thing. I try to be a good friend. I try to remember to drink water. So for now, that's good enough for me. And it should be for you too. Give yourself a break. Stay off Pinterest and Etsy and blogs that you make you feel like a jack ass for not keeping organic chickens in your backyard.
It's okay. You're okay. We are okay.
Cheers!
Feeling like a bit of a failure lately because you haven't read this month's issue of Parenting magazine or even your schools last Friday Flyer? Or any Friday Flyer ever? I feel your pain.
I probably read 4 Friday Flyers total all year long. This is my confession....Forgive me Father for I have failed to take vitamins, feed my kids organic food, sign my son up for baseball, exercise and read any and all Friday Flyers. This is my truth. Maybe it's your's too.
Every generation has it's challenges. Our's is a generation with an abundance of choice and information. As I've blogged before, I am in the constant game of tug-of-war with doing too much and not being still enough. But it goes beyond that...we are not just worried about our kids....we worry about being total and complete fabulous women, wives, community members, daughters and so on. We are in a constant measure of our selves. Are we good enough? Are we doing enough? Are we taking vitamins, walking, going to church, reading? Are we meditating, praying, doing yoga? Are we cooking whole foods, feeding our kids too much sugar, letting them eat food coloring? Can we be still, quiet, interesting individuals?
Here are some thoughts that cross my mind on a daily basis.
Holy shit - I didn't take fish oil again today. I've got to remember when I get home. (I don't)
Did Peter eat lunch?
Has Peter had any water?
Oh yea - I was supposed to do my PT exercises. Crap.
Are the girls taking too much dance? Should they be involved in other activities?
Has Peter read this summer? Have I read to him? (no)
Has Maeve practiced piano? Holy shit I have paid for piano?
Shit - I totally forgot to get someone to be with Harper when we go camping.
Crap - I haven't gotten ready for camping.
Are the kids wearing enough sunscreen?
I think you get my point....
So today I am confessing because you know what they say - "the truth shall set you free". So here goes.
I forget to take vitamins. I forget to give my kids vitamins. I forget to even buy vitamins. I barely exercise. I only like to read to myself. I have no interest in cooking dinner - organic or not. I'd rather watch Friends than go to church. I'd rather watch Friends than walk around the block. I forget to sign my kids up for things - order them t shirts and yearbooks and spirit wear etc. I'd rather talk on the phone than clean the house. I don't stretch or do yoga and I'd rather lay on a float than swim for my health. I have self help books I don't read. I have never framed a school picture or ballet photo. I dread kid birthday parties. I am NOT the greatest 2013 Mama by today's standards. But really I am okay with that. There is stuff I do well - I talk to my kids....I rap funny songs...I support their ideas. I try hard to balance work and family. I try to hard to teach my kids to do the right thing. I try to be a good friend. I try to remember to drink water. So for now, that's good enough for me. And it should be for you too. Give yourself a break. Stay off Pinterest and Etsy and blogs that you make you feel like a jack ass for not keeping organic chickens in your backyard.
It's okay. You're okay. We are okay.
Cheers!
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Beware - Emotions Unfiltered
Most of the time I edit my posts. I rewrite. I analzye. I pontificate. Today, I am writing. Logic and reason are taking a back seat to emotion. Which to be honest, is how I roll most of the time anyway.
Prior to having children, I knew that I would LISTEN to my kids. Not let them rule. Not let them sway my decisions. And NOT because I claim no one listened to me growing up. But because I really wanted to KNOW them. I knew that I wanted to get them - hear them. And through all of this getting and hearing, we'd be closer. We'd be a fluid motion of growth. That was always my plan.
But obviously I am the only social worker who lives at my house. I wish someone asked me HALF the questions I ask them. And I'm talking "what's for dinner". I'm talking about "how do you feel?"....."what do you think?". MAYBE kids don't know the answers to these questions (although I did but I've always been emotionally more available than most!). MAYBE kids don't NEED their parents to get and hear. Maybe I wasn't considering that not all people want to share and cry and share and laugh and share and problem solve. I have said "When I ask you these questions, it's not because I care about the answer, it's because I care about your thoughts". Blank stares. Or "When I ask you this, it's not because I'm nosey - I could care less - but it's because I am interested in YOU, not the answer". Frustrated huffs and puffs. So after 13 years of "when I was a kid, I can remember feeling pretty nervous when....." or "I bet it's hard if you have a friend who....", I AM DONE. This morning I retired from Social Worker to the Nicolls. No longer will I ask someone how they feel about a situation. No longer will I entertain what they might possibly be thinking. Enough.
If only these kids knew how lucky they are (and believe me, I spend a lot of time telling them). Some parents NEVER ask. Some parents DO NOT CARE. Some parents rule the roost with no regard to a kid's input. I BEG FOR INPUT. So as luck would have it, their's has run out. This morning I relinquished my role as Emotion Detective. My message to the kids - start a support group, get a journal, jot down some notes, remember to share with your therapist when you're 35 - do what you need to do but don't you dare ever claim your mom didn't care about your thoughts!!!
Signed, exhausted from trying to be nice and caring.
Prior to having children, I knew that I would LISTEN to my kids. Not let them rule. Not let them sway my decisions. And NOT because I claim no one listened to me growing up. But because I really wanted to KNOW them. I knew that I wanted to get them - hear them. And through all of this getting and hearing, we'd be closer. We'd be a fluid motion of growth. That was always my plan.
But obviously I am the only social worker who lives at my house. I wish someone asked me HALF the questions I ask them. And I'm talking "what's for dinner". I'm talking about "how do you feel?"....."what do you think?". MAYBE kids don't know the answers to these questions (although I did but I've always been emotionally more available than most!). MAYBE kids don't NEED their parents to get and hear. Maybe I wasn't considering that not all people want to share and cry and share and laugh and share and problem solve. I have said "When I ask you these questions, it's not because I care about the answer, it's because I care about your thoughts". Blank stares. Or "When I ask you this, it's not because I'm nosey - I could care less - but it's because I am interested in YOU, not the answer". Frustrated huffs and puffs. So after 13 years of "when I was a kid, I can remember feeling pretty nervous when....." or "I bet it's hard if you have a friend who....", I AM DONE. This morning I retired from Social Worker to the Nicolls. No longer will I ask someone how they feel about a situation. No longer will I entertain what they might possibly be thinking. Enough.
If only these kids knew how lucky they are (and believe me, I spend a lot of time telling them). Some parents NEVER ask. Some parents DO NOT CARE. Some parents rule the roost with no regard to a kid's input. I BEG FOR INPUT. So as luck would have it, their's has run out. This morning I relinquished my role as Emotion Detective. My message to the kids - start a support group, get a journal, jot down some notes, remember to share with your therapist when you're 35 - do what you need to do but don't you dare ever claim your mom didn't care about your thoughts!!!
Signed, exhausted from trying to be nice and caring.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Real Estate - Kicking some ASS!
So many people ask me how the market is going so I decided to blog it out! Last Spring and Summer were good. We were relieved to feel the beginning of the end to the what was a pretty miserable market for 3 or 4 years. But since this January, houses have been selling at record pace. I'll show some houses and if my buyers can't decide quickly enough, they will wake up in the morning and they'll all be under contract. I'd say the difference between now and 2005 is that although prices are up from the debacle of 2011 they are still "under control". We have the urgency we had in 2005 but just not the price tags. And truth be told, that's a better scenario anyway!
So I did some analysis. I looked at specific towns and school districts to see the percentage of homes under contract! You hear the phrase "low inventory" a lot (which is great for real estate because although frustrating to a buyer sometimes, it really does creates urgency which is always good for a market) so I set out to see if this low inventory was imaginary or real. Again this urgency is a good thing for a real estate market. As they say....supply and demand! So below is a list of neighboring towns and school districts in the Northwest Suburbs with the percentage of SOLD (under contract homes). For the purpose of this blog - which is just to relay the gist of our current market's ass kicking status, I am only choosing single family homes (condos/town-homes will have to be another day). Again, this "study" is just to relay the general vibe!
Example:
Happiness, Illinois - 59 homes listed/26 under contract - 44% under contract!
Mount Prospect - 216/123 - 57% under contract
So I did some analysis. I looked at specific towns and school districts to see the percentage of homes under contract! You hear the phrase "low inventory" a lot (which is great for real estate because although frustrating to a buyer sometimes, it really does creates urgency which is always good for a market) so I set out to see if this low inventory was imaginary or real. Again this urgency is a good thing for a real estate market. As they say....supply and demand! So below is a list of neighboring towns and school districts in the Northwest Suburbs with the percentage of SOLD (under contract homes). For the purpose of this blog - which is just to relay the gist of our current market's ass kicking status, I am only choosing single family homes (condos/town-homes will have to be another day). Again, this "study" is just to relay the general vibe!
Example:
Happiness, Illinois - 59 homes listed/26 under contract - 44% under contract!
Mount Prospect - 216/123 - 57% under contract
- District 57 - 96/62 - 65% under contract
- District 59 - 44/21 - 48% under contract
- District 26 - 50/26 - 52% under contract
Arlington Heights - 342/189 - 55% under contract
- District 25 -247/146- 59% under contract
- District 59 - 28/13- 46% under contract
- District 21 -40/19 - 48% under contract
Park Ridge - 247/130 - 53% under contract
Des Plaines -269/141 - 52% under contract
Palatine - 275/136- 49% under contract
Rolling Meadows - 83/49 - 59% under contract
Elk Grove Village - 125/63 - 50% under contract
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Couch in the Rearview
Just as a follow up to my last post....here's how my journey from the couch is progressing!
I just finished my 7th day of training (bc you only run/walk every other day and sometimes there are 2 days of rest between days...which I secretly love!). Yesterday I ran (and by "ran" I mean slowly jog and by slowly jog I mean sometimes slower than I typically even walk!) Anyway, I "ran" 5 minutes, walk 3 minutes - three times yesterday. A total of 24 minutes. I must say that I am in SHOCK. I am in shock that 2 weeks ago I was literally tortured at the hands of the 1 minute run/1 minute walk scenario. Yesterday I ran 5 minutes and the first time I looked at the stopwatch, I had 35 seconds left....that is HUMONGOUS! Add that to my overwhelming hatred of movement, muscle usage, sweat and being out of breath - it's a miracle this thing is coming together.
Do I feel better?
Again - I don't finish the training and want to climb a mountain - I typically have my sights set on a nap. BUT I feel mentally better. Probably because I'm doing something I thought I couldn't do. I feel proud that I finished because at least 42 times during the training, I consider the many excuses I could create for stopping. Here are a few....
my toes itch
my feet are numb
I have to pee
I am too thirsty
I'm too cold
I'm running out of time
I don't "feel it" today (Like i EVER feel it!)
What helps?
Well I've done a lot of different things in an effort to distract me from the pain and agony during the run. I've listened to podcasts, I've ran outside, I've ran on a treadmill I've listened to my Ipod and I've run with Rob. Running with Rob was no good -well, it made me not quit bc I wouldn't want to quit in front of him but he was talking and probably wanted me to respond but because I had no breath, I couldn't gather up any words or respones....I just nodded. Podcasts might work if I could find some super interesting ones...I need like a murder mystery/switched at birth kind of storyline. Treadmills don't work for me - hard time finding my stride, too many onlookers, too much pressure.... The best combo for me is running on this inside track (and it's free) where only seniors hang out while listening to the Top Hip Hop Hits via Pandora on my phone.
What's next?
Well - I have to register for the Run - making it official. The debut of my athleticism. (Feel free to join me on 5/18 for the Got 2 Run Race for Education! www.got2run.org!)
Tomorrow I am suppose to run for 7 minutes. SEVEN MINUTES???!!!! My God.
Stay tuned!
I just finished my 7th day of training (bc you only run/walk every other day and sometimes there are 2 days of rest between days...which I secretly love!). Yesterday I ran (and by "ran" I mean slowly jog and by slowly jog I mean sometimes slower than I typically even walk!) Anyway, I "ran" 5 minutes, walk 3 minutes - three times yesterday. A total of 24 minutes. I must say that I am in SHOCK. I am in shock that 2 weeks ago I was literally tortured at the hands of the 1 minute run/1 minute walk scenario. Yesterday I ran 5 minutes and the first time I looked at the stopwatch, I had 35 seconds left....that is HUMONGOUS! Add that to my overwhelming hatred of movement, muscle usage, sweat and being out of breath - it's a miracle this thing is coming together.
Do I feel better?
Again - I don't finish the training and want to climb a mountain - I typically have my sights set on a nap. BUT I feel mentally better. Probably because I'm doing something I thought I couldn't do. I feel proud that I finished because at least 42 times during the training, I consider the many excuses I could create for stopping. Here are a few....
my toes itch
my feet are numb
I have to pee
I am too thirsty
I'm too cold
I'm running out of time
I don't "feel it" today (Like i EVER feel it!)
What helps?
Well I've done a lot of different things in an effort to distract me from the pain and agony during the run. I've listened to podcasts, I've ran outside, I've ran on a treadmill I've listened to my Ipod and I've run with Rob. Running with Rob was no good -well, it made me not quit bc I wouldn't want to quit in front of him but he was talking and probably wanted me to respond but because I had no breath, I couldn't gather up any words or respones....I just nodded. Podcasts might work if I could find some super interesting ones...I need like a murder mystery/switched at birth kind of storyline. Treadmills don't work for me - hard time finding my stride, too many onlookers, too much pressure.... The best combo for me is running on this inside track (and it's free) where only seniors hang out while listening to the Top Hip Hop Hits via Pandora on my phone.
What's next?
Well - I have to register for the Run - making it official. The debut of my athleticism. (Feel free to join me on 5/18 for the Got 2 Run Race for Education! www.got2run.org!)
Tomorrow I am suppose to run for 7 minutes. SEVEN MINUTES???!!!! My God.
Stay tuned!
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
"Couch to 2.62" - A Journey from the "Couch"
As I have stated already, I dread exercise....no good at it, too arthritic, too sore, too busy, not my thing. But as I have also previously stated, it's necessary in life...to feel good, to be less arthritic, to be less sore, to be stronger.
I really hate to say "couch" to anything because it makes it seem like I was just laying around all day watching The Price is Right. Not true. I was "moving". Moving in my house cleaning and cooking. Moving from desk to office to car to home to car to store back to desk. I was no where near a couch.
Last year I volunteered at a race. I have always longed to be a part of anything with a "K". I admire people when they say "I ran a 5K"....."I signed up for the 10K Run for the _______". I love that. What is this "K"? How do people become runners? Certainly that ship has sailed because I am 2 months from 45 and try as I might in the past, am not involved in "K's". So I volunteered because I could at least do that. It was awesome. Beautiful morning, palpable energy, cheerleaders, supporters, stretching, grouping for photos....it surpassed my expectations. And despite the fact that I did not run that race, I remember driving home feeling healthier. (A lot of exercise and wellness happens in my mind).
So this year I thought I'd give this thing a try. I printed out the Couch to 2.62 (which is a funny nod to the actual 26.2 marathon). Day 1 - jog 1 minute, walk 1 minute 10 times. It was horrific. Terrible. Painful. Boring. Cold. My IPOD cord worked off and on. I couldn't breathe. BUT I did it. Saying that I felt great when it was done is an overstatement since, if socially appropriate, I would have laid down in this guy's lawn at the moment I hit that last minute. But mentally - I DID feel great. Because despite the agony, I did what was asked of me on Day 1. The next 2 sessions, Day 2 and 3, where run 2 minutes, walk 4 minutes 5 times. I did both sessions. One easier than the other but both sucked. My ankles, my calves, my shins, my quads, my breathing....BUT I did it. Yesterday was Day 4. Run 3, walk 3 - do it 4 times. I can honestly say it was no better...thoughts of 'I'm not a runner....how can anyone do this...when will this be easy.....' crossed my mind a hundred times. BUT I did it. Here's the real point - one day 1 minute seemed horrific but 1 week later 1 minute was easy. Still getting to 2 minutes and 3 minutes and more still hurt and make me question why in the hell people don't just lay around on their couch but each subsequent minute gets easier when more is piled on. I don't feel physically good at the end - my hope is that someday I do. But I do feel happy and proud that I finished it. I have no idea if I'll make it for that 2.62 race in May. None. I'm not this so determined/nothing's going to stop me girl..... A LOT could stop me. Believe me. But I am happy to report - Week 1 of training - CHECK!
I really hate to say "couch" to anything because it makes it seem like I was just laying around all day watching The Price is Right. Not true. I was "moving". Moving in my house cleaning and cooking. Moving from desk to office to car to home to car to store back to desk. I was no where near a couch.
Last year I volunteered at a race. I have always longed to be a part of anything with a "K". I admire people when they say "I ran a 5K"....."I signed up for the 10K Run for the _______". I love that. What is this "K"? How do people become runners? Certainly that ship has sailed because I am 2 months from 45 and try as I might in the past, am not involved in "K's". So I volunteered because I could at least do that. It was awesome. Beautiful morning, palpable energy, cheerleaders, supporters, stretching, grouping for photos....it surpassed my expectations. And despite the fact that I did not run that race, I remember driving home feeling healthier. (A lot of exercise and wellness happens in my mind).
So this year I thought I'd give this thing a try. I printed out the Couch to 2.62 (which is a funny nod to the actual 26.2 marathon). Day 1 - jog 1 minute, walk 1 minute 10 times. It was horrific. Terrible. Painful. Boring. Cold. My IPOD cord worked off and on. I couldn't breathe. BUT I did it. Saying that I felt great when it was done is an overstatement since, if socially appropriate, I would have laid down in this guy's lawn at the moment I hit that last minute. But mentally - I DID feel great. Because despite the agony, I did what was asked of me on Day 1. The next 2 sessions, Day 2 and 3, where run 2 minutes, walk 4 minutes 5 times. I did both sessions. One easier than the other but both sucked. My ankles, my calves, my shins, my quads, my breathing....BUT I did it. Yesterday was Day 4. Run 3, walk 3 - do it 4 times. I can honestly say it was no better...thoughts of 'I'm not a runner....how can anyone do this...when will this be easy.....' crossed my mind a hundred times. BUT I did it. Here's the real point - one day 1 minute seemed horrific but 1 week later 1 minute was easy. Still getting to 2 minutes and 3 minutes and more still hurt and make me question why in the hell people don't just lay around on their couch but each subsequent minute gets easier when more is piled on. I don't feel physically good at the end - my hope is that someday I do. But I do feel happy and proud that I finished it. I have no idea if I'll make it for that 2.62 race in May. None. I'm not this so determined/nothing's going to stop me girl..... A LOT could stop me. Believe me. But I am happy to report - Week 1 of training - CHECK!
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
A New Car...
I am a kid still in so many ways. I'm not that "cool" adult who's like "oh yea, getting a new kitchen....whatever"...I am still I AM GETTING A NEW KITCHEN I CAN BARELY BELIEVE HOW EXCITED I AM!!!!!! So recently I got a new car. A brand new, great smelling, I'm afraid to really drive it car! It got me thinking....buying a car has always been thrilling for me.
I got my first car in the Fall of 1990. My Dad took me to the Bozak Chrysler Dealership in Merrillville. For some reason, My Dad trusted this place. He knew ahead of time that I was getting the Plymouth Colt. It was the most basic Plymouth you could buy that year. I was pumped! My biggest concern was color...I chose red. I was dying to test drive the car because I knew that was protocol and who doesn't want to go drive a brand new car that's not theirs? My Dad's exact quote - "No, we aren't test driving. Do you think it's going to drive like shit off the lot?". I didn't care and kept on so he relented. Of course our salesman drove along in the back seat of this tiny car with his head nearly in between me and my Dad. He's chatting up a storm while I am happily driving. I thought this car drove beautifully. So Mike, our sales guy, keeps talking about how I live in Indy and he has friends in Indy and then he says...."I go down to Indy a lot, maybe I should call you sometime". (In my head...."are you insane to talk like this in front of my Dad????? HOLY SHIT!!!!) My Dad turns around and says "Mike, we're here buying cars NOT making dates". OUCH. Painful Silence. Nonetheless, that couldn't damper my spirits - I was GETTING A NEW CAR. My car payment was $198.48 which worked out perfectly with my highly paid position of Child Abuse/Neglect Caseworker for the state of Indiana - bringing in exactly $505 every other week! Perfect.
Four years later I proudly paid that car off. Three months later it died. Really died. So off my Dad and I went to Bozak. One step up, I bought the Plymouth Neon. I ADORED that car. It was a silver/lavender color and I felt like a million bucks.
I've had other cars in my lifetime - mostly out of necessity We bought a Ford Windstar when I was pregnant with Maeve because Rob's car had expired so he took my Neon. That Windstar was horrible. But I drove it for 5 years. Then I very briefly yet quite happily drove our brand new Mitsubishi Endeavor until I realized I was pregnant and there was NO WAY you could fit 3 car seats in that car. So back to a van I went and we bought a Chrysler Town and Country. A good car and it did the job but I don't remember jumping up and down - again it was purely necessity as I handed over my newer/sportier Endeavor to Rob. I drove that van for 7 years.
Last week when I knew/thought we were getting my new car I was just like a kid. On Monday I thought 3 more days. On Tuesday I thought just pretend it's tomorrow. On Wednesday I thought Holy shit - it's tomorrow. On Thursday I thought okay - be cool - it's tonight - keep it together - you're not 24 years old - be cool - OMG IT'S TONIGHT. I said a proper "good bye" to my Town & Country, thanking her for bailing me out when I had a 3rd kid. And then we walked into that Honda Dealership, I was like a kid who walks into the family room on Christmas morning to discover Santa DID actually arrive. I opened cars and smelled interiors. I tried to be "cool" - chilled - whatever - might buy a car...might not - whatev. Occasionally the sale's guy probably heard me say "OMG this car is beautiful.." or he might have caught me glance at Rob and mouth the words I love it. I will say this, I am a good negotiator (I mean that IS my job right?). I was cool. I got it DONE. We walked out with the keys. I love this car. It's a beautiful machine. It looks beautiful and smells even better. I still wake up every day and think oh yea, I just got a new car. YAHOO!
I got my first car in the Fall of 1990. My Dad took me to the Bozak Chrysler Dealership in Merrillville. For some reason, My Dad trusted this place. He knew ahead of time that I was getting the Plymouth Colt. It was the most basic Plymouth you could buy that year. I was pumped! My biggest concern was color...I chose red. I was dying to test drive the car because I knew that was protocol and who doesn't want to go drive a brand new car that's not theirs? My Dad's exact quote - "No, we aren't test driving. Do you think it's going to drive like shit off the lot?". I didn't care and kept on so he relented. Of course our salesman drove along in the back seat of this tiny car with his head nearly in between me and my Dad. He's chatting up a storm while I am happily driving. I thought this car drove beautifully. So Mike, our sales guy, keeps talking about how I live in Indy and he has friends in Indy and then he says...."I go down to Indy a lot, maybe I should call you sometime". (In my head...."are you insane to talk like this in front of my Dad????? HOLY SHIT!!!!) My Dad turns around and says "Mike, we're here buying cars NOT making dates". OUCH. Painful Silence. Nonetheless, that couldn't damper my spirits - I was GETTING A NEW CAR. My car payment was $198.48 which worked out perfectly with my highly paid position of Child Abuse/Neglect Caseworker for the state of Indiana - bringing in exactly $505 every other week! Perfect.
Four years later I proudly paid that car off. Three months later it died. Really died. So off my Dad and I went to Bozak. One step up, I bought the Plymouth Neon. I ADORED that car. It was a silver/lavender color and I felt like a million bucks.
I've had other cars in my lifetime - mostly out of necessity We bought a Ford Windstar when I was pregnant with Maeve because Rob's car had expired so he took my Neon. That Windstar was horrible. But I drove it for 5 years. Then I very briefly yet quite happily drove our brand new Mitsubishi Endeavor until I realized I was pregnant and there was NO WAY you could fit 3 car seats in that car. So back to a van I went and we bought a Chrysler Town and Country. A good car and it did the job but I don't remember jumping up and down - again it was purely necessity as I handed over my newer/sportier Endeavor to Rob. I drove that van for 7 years.
Last week when I knew/thought we were getting my new car I was just like a kid. On Monday I thought 3 more days. On Tuesday I thought just pretend it's tomorrow. On Wednesday I thought Holy shit - it's tomorrow. On Thursday I thought okay - be cool - it's tonight - keep it together - you're not 24 years old - be cool - OMG IT'S TONIGHT. I said a proper "good bye" to my Town & Country, thanking her for bailing me out when I had a 3rd kid. And then we walked into that Honda Dealership, I was like a kid who walks into the family room on Christmas morning to discover Santa DID actually arrive. I opened cars and smelled interiors. I tried to be "cool" - chilled - whatever - might buy a car...might not - whatev. Occasionally the sale's guy probably heard me say "OMG this car is beautiful.." or he might have caught me glance at Rob and mouth the words I love it. I will say this, I am a good negotiator (I mean that IS my job right?). I was cool. I got it DONE. We walked out with the keys. I love this car. It's a beautiful machine. It looks beautiful and smells even better. I still wake up every day and think oh yea, I just got a new car. YAHOO!
Monday, March 25, 2013
Am I cut out for this?
I will not sugar coat this. I have a horrible tendency to be one of solitude. Not in a "meditative" way but in a "don't bother me" way. With each passing day, I am increasingly starved for quiet and peace. Let me translate - that means NO questions, no interruptions, no requests, no debates, no problems, no papers from school to be signed, no field trip forms to be turned in....
I can become paralyzed with the feeling of "too much". I used to think it was because life was actually too much but lately I am beginning to realize - NOPE, it's ME! I can only manage so much. Why? That's my biggest question - why? What's wrong with me that the request for a sleepover just pushes me over the edge. Is it the actual sleepover? Is it just another question I need to consider? Is it that I am controlling and like my kids to just "be" in the house w/out leaving or others coming in etc. Am I too old? Am I hormonal? Is there something off with my thyroid? Am I Vitamin D deficient? WHAT IS IT??? Am I sick? Do I have a sinus infection? Am I afraid of sleepovers? (The answer to that one is YES!) When I was 27, unmarried and dying to "make house", I pictured myself with a house full of kids - romping around, me happily ordering pizza, baking cookies, the more the merrier....right? That was my vision. Was I just hoping that I would become that. Can I become that? Doubtful.
I have no answer. I wish I was different. I wish I was spontaneous and free wheelin' it. I wish it didn't bother me that Lily is at a friends which means that Maeve has to have a friend come over which means Pete's pissed b/c he doesn't have a friend over. What time can they come? When should they be picked up? Can they stay for dinner? Can I go ask Zach to play? Can I go to Open Gym? Can you drive? All I ever want to say, in a whiny voice to boot, is "I DON'T KNOW!". The problem here is I really don't know but there's no back up here who does know. When I get desperate enough I say "call Daddy and ask him" as if HE knows. He's at WORK for Pete's sake - how the hell can he know? But sometimes I just need another voice to say "yes, that's fine" or "no, that's not going to work".
I sound like a disaster, don't I? SOME days/weeks, I kick ass. I'm the Mom I envisioned. Some days/weeks, I accept that I am NOT the Mom I envisioned and we all have to deal with it. I guess I'll never know why I am so inclined to light candles and play classical musical to combat the natural chaos of running a family. Hopefully my kids aren't too scarred from my inability to truly go-with-the-flow. I do know they know I'm trying. I. Am. Trying. says the girl popping Vitamin D in hopes that, perhaps, that's my real problem.
Yea right.
I can become paralyzed with the feeling of "too much". I used to think it was because life was actually too much but lately I am beginning to realize - NOPE, it's ME! I can only manage so much. Why? That's my biggest question - why? What's wrong with me that the request for a sleepover just pushes me over the edge. Is it the actual sleepover? Is it just another question I need to consider? Is it that I am controlling and like my kids to just "be" in the house w/out leaving or others coming in etc. Am I too old? Am I hormonal? Is there something off with my thyroid? Am I Vitamin D deficient? WHAT IS IT??? Am I sick? Do I have a sinus infection? Am I afraid of sleepovers? (The answer to that one is YES!) When I was 27, unmarried and dying to "make house", I pictured myself with a house full of kids - romping around, me happily ordering pizza, baking cookies, the more the merrier....right? That was my vision. Was I just hoping that I would become that. Can I become that? Doubtful.
I have no answer. I wish I was different. I wish I was spontaneous and free wheelin' it. I wish it didn't bother me that Lily is at a friends which means that Maeve has to have a friend come over which means Pete's pissed b/c he doesn't have a friend over. What time can they come? When should they be picked up? Can they stay for dinner? Can I go ask Zach to play? Can I go to Open Gym? Can you drive? All I ever want to say, in a whiny voice to boot, is "I DON'T KNOW!". The problem here is I really don't know but there's no back up here who does know. When I get desperate enough I say "call Daddy and ask him" as if HE knows. He's at WORK for Pete's sake - how the hell can he know? But sometimes I just need another voice to say "yes, that's fine" or "no, that's not going to work".
I sound like a disaster, don't I? SOME days/weeks, I kick ass. I'm the Mom I envisioned. Some days/weeks, I accept that I am NOT the Mom I envisioned and we all have to deal with it. I guess I'll never know why I am so inclined to light candles and play classical musical to combat the natural chaos of running a family. Hopefully my kids aren't too scarred from my inability to truly go-with-the-flow. I do know they know I'm trying. I. Am. Trying. says the girl popping Vitamin D in hopes that, perhaps, that's my real problem.
Yea right.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
It's only a basketball game...right?
I am an avid fan of the Indiana Hoosiers basketball team. I am also emotionally labile at best. So as a fan and as an emoter, there should be no question that this time of year is thrilling and stressful and soulfully satisfying.
Background - I grew up watching/loving IU basketball. My memory is mostly watching with my Dad and brother and brother in law. My Grandparents lived in Nashville, In - next to Bloomington so our fanaticism only grew when we were "in the hood". Thanksgiving in Nashville was a great way to kick off the season - we were together, different generations, cheering like lunatics...and it was only November.
I didn't go to IU. I went to Hanover College - about 2 hours southeast of Bloomington. But we were all "Hoosiers". We watched each game. And when the Hoosiers won the National Championship in 1987, we watched on a small TV that I borrowed in my dorm room - stuffed with people and oozing with excitement. That last basket....that shot by Keith Smart.......well, needless to say - HYSTERIA. We were screaming - leaping - hugging - JOY! My next thought? Call my Dad! I lived on the 3rd floor but ran down all of the stairs to the basement pay phone and dialed him up. Can you believe it? Isn't this amazing? My Dad and brother were so happy. My mom usually would play the role of fetching my Dad back to the game when he would give up because he couldn't take it anymore so I am sure she was right there monitoring it all. We hung up so excited and then the student body was just running a muck outside...in the snow - yes, a snow storm in southern Indiana in March - forever a part of my memory!
There's been other thrillers - final fours, trading victories with KY in the 90's, beating Duke to go to the final four in 2002, beating KY last year and now being back on top as Big Ten Champs 2013.
There have been lows. Knight - loved him/feared him. Loved his energy. Loved his sense of humor. Loved his love of basketball. Feared he'd pulically humiliate a player. Feared he throw a fit. Feared he'd loose sight of the program as his own image was such a distraction. Loved that he believed in academics. Loved how well he understood basketball. Feared he punch someone. Feared he push a player over the edge. When that era ended, sadness and relief were the mixed bag we Hoosiers were left holding.
A few years, I couldn't watch. Well - I'd watch but it didn't feel good. And not for me - I mean, I felt horrible for the players - the kids. NOW - we are back! It's awesome yet I am sure a TON of stress for the team and coaches. It's like all of our personal emotional basketball baggage is riding on the shoulders of their success and for that, I feel badly. Because it's just basketball. Right?
Here's to the end of the season - the tournament. A time period during the year that is magical and exhilarating and emotional and stressful. To me it's more than basketball - it's like watching my family bond in action. It's like that team represents my history, my connection to the world and my own pride and self vision is apparent in their journey. That's what it means to be a fan. I try to explain to the kids that being a fan is like being right handed...you just can't help it.
Background - I grew up watching/loving IU basketball. My memory is mostly watching with my Dad and brother and brother in law. My Grandparents lived in Nashville, In - next to Bloomington so our fanaticism only grew when we were "in the hood". Thanksgiving in Nashville was a great way to kick off the season - we were together, different generations, cheering like lunatics...and it was only November.
I didn't go to IU. I went to Hanover College - about 2 hours southeast of Bloomington. But we were all "Hoosiers". We watched each game. And when the Hoosiers won the National Championship in 1987, we watched on a small TV that I borrowed in my dorm room - stuffed with people and oozing with excitement. That last basket....that shot by Keith Smart.......well, needless to say - HYSTERIA. We were screaming - leaping - hugging - JOY! My next thought? Call my Dad! I lived on the 3rd floor but ran down all of the stairs to the basement pay phone and dialed him up. Can you believe it? Isn't this amazing? My Dad and brother were so happy. My mom usually would play the role of fetching my Dad back to the game when he would give up because he couldn't take it anymore so I am sure she was right there monitoring it all. We hung up so excited and then the student body was just running a muck outside...in the snow - yes, a snow storm in southern Indiana in March - forever a part of my memory!
There's been other thrillers - final fours, trading victories with KY in the 90's, beating Duke to go to the final four in 2002, beating KY last year and now being back on top as Big Ten Champs 2013.
There have been lows. Knight - loved him/feared him. Loved his energy. Loved his sense of humor. Loved his love of basketball. Feared he'd pulically humiliate a player. Feared he throw a fit. Feared he'd loose sight of the program as his own image was such a distraction. Loved that he believed in academics. Loved how well he understood basketball. Feared he punch someone. Feared he push a player over the edge. When that era ended, sadness and relief were the mixed bag we Hoosiers were left holding.
A few years, I couldn't watch. Well - I'd watch but it didn't feel good. And not for me - I mean, I felt horrible for the players - the kids. NOW - we are back! It's awesome yet I am sure a TON of stress for the team and coaches. It's like all of our personal emotional basketball baggage is riding on the shoulders of their success and for that, I feel badly. Because it's just basketball. Right?
Here's to the end of the season - the tournament. A time period during the year that is magical and exhilarating and emotional and stressful. To me it's more than basketball - it's like watching my family bond in action. It's like that team represents my history, my connection to the world and my own pride and self vision is apparent in their journey. That's what it means to be a fan. I try to explain to the kids that being a fan is like being right handed...you just can't help it.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Getting Old....er....
I don't know if 44 is the year that age catches up to you or not but I can say that I personally am FEELING it...in every way.... For years, I thought/knew I looked younger than my age. And for a long time, I hated that. I always "aged up"...so if someone asked me my age and I was 27 but almost 28, I was thrilled to say "28" and then I'd hear "you are, I can't believe it - you look so young". Yea yea...I really WANTED to be my age or older. Now someone asks me and I say "44" and no one says anything so like a fool I say "I know, it's crazy...... can you believe it......" The sad part, I'm the only one in shock that I am actually FOURTY FOUR!!
Can't remember...(and beyond a foggy memory - some things are BRAND NEW INFORMATION - like I've never heard/seen it before in my life)
Can't see - I need bigger TVs and bigger font in print weekly. I can't see street signs or my own make up job in a mirror for God's sake...Last week I looked in the mirror fairly satisfied. An hour later I looked at myself in the rear view mirror (a mirror that doesn't like) and saw I never rubbed in my concealer. Nice.
Can't hear - I can barely hear my girls talk to me - they are such a faint level and any other noise like music just make it worse.
Beauty - IF I ever had any, it's leaving me by the minute... I used to only wear lip balm - now it's a full blown preceedure just to look AWAKE let alone ready for the public!
-Old cute mole has turned into huge bizarre mole w/ brown age spots...
-Regular thin lips has turned into no lips
-Blond eyelashes have turned into NO eye lashes
-weird hair
-varocose veins
-rosacea
-wrinkles, dark eyes, bizarre gray hairs turning my already tri colored hair into another stratosphere....
Bad knees, bad back, stiff hips, morton's neuroma, planter's flascitis, eye floaters, have to pee constantly, blah blah blah....
The good news I still listen to pop music, I still try to dress hip and I still curse up a storm. I will hold onto these 3 things forever b/c you know if you see me wearing a turtle neck, listening to the Carpenters and saying "fudge" it's over for me.
Can't remember...(and beyond a foggy memory - some things are BRAND NEW INFORMATION - like I've never heard/seen it before in my life)
Can't see - I need bigger TVs and bigger font in print weekly. I can't see street signs or my own make up job in a mirror for God's sake...Last week I looked in the mirror fairly satisfied. An hour later I looked at myself in the rear view mirror (a mirror that doesn't like) and saw I never rubbed in my concealer. Nice.
Can't hear - I can barely hear my girls talk to me - they are such a faint level and any other noise like music just make it worse.
Beauty - IF I ever had any, it's leaving me by the minute... I used to only wear lip balm - now it's a full blown preceedure just to look AWAKE let alone ready for the public!
-Old cute mole has turned into huge bizarre mole w/ brown age spots...
-Regular thin lips has turned into no lips
-Blond eyelashes have turned into NO eye lashes
-weird hair
-varocose veins
-rosacea
-wrinkles, dark eyes, bizarre gray hairs turning my already tri colored hair into another stratosphere....
Bad knees, bad back, stiff hips, morton's neuroma, planter's flascitis, eye floaters, have to pee constantly, blah blah blah....
The good news I still listen to pop music, I still try to dress hip and I still curse up a storm. I will hold onto these 3 things forever b/c you know if you see me wearing a turtle neck, listening to the Carpenters and saying "fudge" it's over for me.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Finally
Wow - it's been so long since I've written. I mean, not in my head but certainly here at my blog. I think like with all things, if you don't keep it up - getting back in is hard. Only because I kept thinking "I haven't written...there better be a worthy reason for the delay". Well, there isn't. Nothing big happened. Nothing exciting or tragic or life altering. Just time and space.
Here we go.....FEBRUARY 2013!
I will just start really with the School Year. What a year really for change and adjustments and for more change. And for learning about myself. Some moms are probably masters from the beginning - I wasn't. I did some things well and some things sucky. I managed. I did the best I could - maybe. But as time goes on, I have been able to really sink my teeth into this parenting thing. Early on - tired/unsure/stressed/tired. Now, maybe because I actually sleep through the night, I have a clearer vision. So my point is that parenting ages 2 and 3, probably not my best work. Parenting 6, 11 and 12 - I'm getting there - not alone or without a ton of work but I'm getting there.
7th grade. Well, I think I've written before that my vision for parenting a tween/teen played out something like an After School Special. Kid has problem. Kid tells understanding Mom. Mom empathisizes and solves all problems with sound wisdom. Hmm? Didn't really turn out like that. So I have had to adjust my personal story - the record you play in your head telling you how it is. I've had to really think of my daughter as her SELF. Not as me when I was 12 or not as me as I wished I was when I was 12 and not as her as I expected her to be. But just as HER. It sounds smiple but it really took me off guard. Since I have accepted this, I am WAY better off. I am reading a book that talks about "loosing control" and up until recently I never thought of myself as a control freak and honestly I'm not - I like things "under control"....is there a difference? Well, either way - she is who she is. She's stubborn. She's confident. She's simple. She's HER.
5th grade. A fine grade for some. A boring grade for others. For Lil, I'd say she's neither inspired or in hell but because of her disposition, she'll lean towards "in hell" more than inspired every day of the week. I wish I could make her feel more confident. I wish I could create a full happy social friend life for her (only because I believe that's what would be great but believe me, she doesn't roll that way). I wish she felt sure and smart and comfortable in her skin......ahhh, the words of a Control Freak! But she's fine - she really is or maybe she's not but she's HER. Back to paragraph 3. Kids are who they are. She is fine having a few friends versus a gaggle of girlfriends. She's going to complain just as many times as she's going to be happy - or maybe even more. She's mighty. She's vulnerable. She's also delightful. She's HER.
1st grade. A year of growth for Peter. Happier at school. Growing confidence in reading. Still sweet. Still funny. Still HIM.
So I plug along, as we all do, trying to be a good mom, good wife, good Realtor and a decent human. I make mistakes every day - I'm not kidding. I stomp my feet and roll my eyes and grit my teeth but I try. I should re-title my blog - TRYING!
Here we go.....FEBRUARY 2013!
I will just start really with the School Year. What a year really for change and adjustments and for more change. And for learning about myself. Some moms are probably masters from the beginning - I wasn't. I did some things well and some things sucky. I managed. I did the best I could - maybe. But as time goes on, I have been able to really sink my teeth into this parenting thing. Early on - tired/unsure/stressed/tired. Now, maybe because I actually sleep through the night, I have a clearer vision. So my point is that parenting ages 2 and 3, probably not my best work. Parenting 6, 11 and 12 - I'm getting there - not alone or without a ton of work but I'm getting there.
7th grade. Well, I think I've written before that my vision for parenting a tween/teen played out something like an After School Special. Kid has problem. Kid tells understanding Mom. Mom empathisizes and solves all problems with sound wisdom. Hmm? Didn't really turn out like that. So I have had to adjust my personal story - the record you play in your head telling you how it is. I've had to really think of my daughter as her SELF. Not as me when I was 12 or not as me as I wished I was when I was 12 and not as her as I expected her to be. But just as HER. It sounds smiple but it really took me off guard. Since I have accepted this, I am WAY better off. I am reading a book that talks about "loosing control" and up until recently I never thought of myself as a control freak and honestly I'm not - I like things "under control"....is there a difference? Well, either way - she is who she is. She's stubborn. She's confident. She's simple. She's HER.
5th grade. A fine grade for some. A boring grade for others. For Lil, I'd say she's neither inspired or in hell but because of her disposition, she'll lean towards "in hell" more than inspired every day of the week. I wish I could make her feel more confident. I wish I could create a full happy social friend life for her (only because I believe that's what would be great but believe me, she doesn't roll that way). I wish she felt sure and smart and comfortable in her skin......ahhh, the words of a Control Freak! But she's fine - she really is or maybe she's not but she's HER. Back to paragraph 3. Kids are who they are. She is fine having a few friends versus a gaggle of girlfriends. She's going to complain just as many times as she's going to be happy - or maybe even more. She's mighty. She's vulnerable. She's also delightful. She's HER.
1st grade. A year of growth for Peter. Happier at school. Growing confidence in reading. Still sweet. Still funny. Still HIM.
So I plug along, as we all do, trying to be a good mom, good wife, good Realtor and a decent human. I make mistakes every day - I'm not kidding. I stomp my feet and roll my eyes and grit my teeth but I try. I should re-title my blog - TRYING!
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