He WILL leave me..someday

23 years ago my parents dropped me off at Hanover College. After a couple hours of unpacking and a little tour around, they finally said good-bye. This moment will forever be plastered in my memory as a life changing moment. I didn't know it then, but this experience made me SOME of who I am now. And as outgoing as I was, I was also an insecure 18 year old . When they walked away, I couldn't watch. I knew I as alone. Truly alone. Knew not a soul. 5 hours away from home. Didn't have a roommate b/c they put me with an RA so I just really knew no one. I felt a pit of loneliness and fear that was foreign to me up to that point in my life. I felt awkward, embarrassed, weird. I wondered who will I eat with - who will I talk with and who will I become. But one thing is for sure, I never ever thought about how my mom felt leaving me, her baby, alone and far away. Until yesterday.
Yesterday I dropped Peter off to preschool for the first day. I KNEW it I would be teary b/c I get choked up by State Farm commercials. But a complete emotional collapse was not what I envisioned. I was sobbing in the car. And I had to explain to Lily, who was with me, that this was a natural emotion that all mommy's feel as it's a reminder of their babies growing up. Then I said "imagine how Grandma Mary felt when she brought me to college far away from home". Then it hit me...I never had imagined that before. And I don't think she ever told me how she felt. Maybe she felt relieved b/c to be honest, I was kind of a bitch that summer. But it was a big full circle moment for me.
It's not tough - it's IMPOSSIBLE - to understand parenting until you do it. What a wretched way to go about life. Wouldn't it be so much more fulfilling and EASIER if only we all KNEW. But we don't.
I do know this...I sobbed "he will leave me someday" in my car like a psychopath. The more I talked, the more I cried. I wanted to go back for one more hug, one more kiss. I didn't want him to forget me for a moment. I understand now how Rob's mom must feel about him and how my mom must feel about me.....or even more, my brother...(because let's face it, he IS her favorite for sure!).
I am better today and I know I will be okay when I bring him next week. But I will admit - just to seal our deal of LOVE and devotion, I slept with him in his bed. He often requests it and I often deny it only b/c it's not "appropriate". But last night I could care less about appropriate. I snuggled in and staked my claim with my boy.