Acceptance in 2011

Being a mother to 3 is way different than I ever imagined. When I was young, growing up and well into my 20's, I saw myself having 2 kids. A boy and a girl. When I imagined it - parenting - I was different in that video I played in my head. I was in shape, still 28 (I guess never aging?!), patient, organized and basically on top of my game. Sometimes I will see moms and think "that is how I expected I would be". You know, more crafty....layed back....fun loving....artsy. You know that mom. The mom who is running with a football in her hand while her kids tackle her and everyone is laughing. The mom who pulls up to school in her clean Subaru hatch back. That same mom who has time and energy to be a foster parent, volunteer at school, bring her husband lunch at work.....you know the one I am talking about.
Fast forward and I have 3 instead of 2 and am out of shape and too tired to be "artsy" or even know what that is supposed to mean. I drive a dirty dented 6 year old van. The new video is of a mom who is more patient now than in the beginning at least but she certainly isn't crafty. She looses her keys, drops kids off with pajama pants on, I only watch football and no one should ever consider tackling me. WHY did I ever envision myself the other way? I wasn't that way then so why in the world would I all of a sudden give birth and blossom into a "commercial" mom. I wish I could go back to that girl and say, "listen, you are who you are, learn to love it".

I have spent over a decade trying to become a really good mom. Some things I did well from the beginning, but other things still have a long way to go. We don't go to church regularly, I think lemonade stands are a pain in the ass and sometimes I don't read the Friday flyer from school. BUT - as my kids have grown, I am so proud of them. I look at them and think "man, these kids really rock". So my point is this - you don't have to be perfect or even parent perfectly to have lovely, wise and sweet children. I am proof.
So in 2011, I am working on acceptance b/c I don't want to spend another decade thinking I am not good enough and because I just heard someone whisper (or shout!) in my ear, "you are who you are, learn to love it!".

Love

I am ill-equipped at best to blog about the death of a child. I can't speak to the unbearable anguish parents must feel when they bury a child so all I can do is try to write about our community. Recently a family in our small knit community lost their first born daughter to cancer. She passed away the Sunday after Thanksgiving after months of hope and commitment and collective inspiration. We in Mt. Prospect rallied around her diagnosis, her wellness, her struggles and her passing.
For me, as a parent, I am sure we all saw our own fragility exposed more and more with each mention of Lindsey's ups and downs. I marveled at her parents commitment to family life and schedules and wellness. I admired them for being the best version of what we hope we could ever be ourselves. We watched them motor on with soccer, concerts and list goes on and on while enduring what I could only imagine was fear and helplessness. I am sure we all have thought about how we would ever handle this situation if we were the parents. If I was the mother. I only hope that I could muster up half the strength her mom gave to each day.
For the kids, Lindsey represented so much. She was exponentially likable so cheering for her was a common denominator amongst every grade, boy or girl. These kids learned so much in the past year and a half. They learned that even when someone is sick and might loose their hair, it's still the same exact person. They learned that someone their very own age was tough and resilient and amazing. I can't tell you how many times my girls would say "I saw Lindsey today and she looked so pretty" or "Lindsey is such a good dancer". And when she passed away, Maeve came home and said "Mrs. Boundy said that even when Lindsey was sick and didn't feel well, she always handed everything in on time". You could see how impressed Maeve was. I think all of the kids just marvelled at her spirit and were so proud to know her. And just as I saw a mothers best version in Sue, the kids saw that in Lindsey. She showed them how to be the best you can be. I know they learned that from her. For my girls, their first reaction (and I told them separately) to the news that she passed away was their concern for our friend and neighbor, one of Lindsey's best friends. They both said they knew this was so hard for Caylie. We made cookies and they made cards and across the street they marched. It's all we could do. A feeble attempt to ease their pain. I know this probably happened all over town. All of us trying to ease the pain.
During the last couple of weeks, I tried to take time to understand all of this. I have come to conclude, there is no understanding of all of this. It's painful and there's no "bright side". But I do know that when there is such pain it's because of unbelievable love. We have seen unbelievable love. We all supported whoever we could so that maybe that person could manage this loss a little bit better and through support were acts of love. I have seen love in 11 year old boys and girls. We have witnessed love between teachers and kids and family and neighbors. And I am sure that anytime we Mt. Prospectors see purple for the rest of our lives, we will see love. Even 4 year old Peter sees it. He is so proud of his purple ribbon because "it's Lindsey's favorite color". He doesn't know her but he knows she is loved and that she loved that color. A few days ago he said, "I'm afraid that when spring comes, people will forget that purple was Lindsey's favorite color". I said, "I don't think that will ever happen".
We have been blessed that we have had the honor to witness such grace and strength and love.

Parenting out of fear

It wasn't that long ago that I was oblivious to the burdens of parenting a school aged child. At first, when we all had our babies, we worried about their NOWness. I can safely say that I didn't worry when it took Peter longer to walk that he might not actually walk some day. I just worried if he was walking NOW. I don't think I remember hearing other parents say "if he doesn't learn to share, he will surely be a loner in 4th grade". So when did that change? When did our worries become about what MIGHT be if we don't get this parenting thing exactly right? For me, I can remember the first time I thought "holy shit, if I don't fix this, it will effect her in Middle School". Lily was 41/2. Her acceptance of one Peter Nicoll was rough; unpleasant and full of defiance and disrespect. I DID worry that if I didn't get this straightened out she would be a 15 year old kid that would open her own window in the middle of the night to escape from her horrible family. (That part might actually still take place - the verdict is still out). I worried about her at age 15 when she was 4 and 5. I can remember then thinking how insane that is - how much time I was wasting worrying about things that may or may not happen for a full decade. But even moments of logical reasoning didn't stop me or anyone else I know from needless hours of anxiety while we made the connections between talking back at dinner to dropping out of highschool. I think almost everyone I know parents out of fear - out of what MIGHT happen.
I can safely say I didn't sent my kids to St. Mark's preschool to prepare them for Kindergarten. At the time, I didn't even think about life after St. Mark's. I choose it b/c it was sweet and fun and seemed like a happy place. But I do know people do base their preschool decisions on exactly that - how well they will be prepared for Kindergarten. And now we think about which teacher might best prepare our child for 3rd grade b/c 3rd grade is especially difficult. And then 5th grade has to be tough b/c they are getting them ready for 6th grade.....MIDDLE SCHOOL!!!!(here's an insiders secret - even if your child IS prepared for Lincoln it is STILL hours of homework and stress and worry!!) And with our middle school holding the "word on the street" award for being the LEAST prepared middle schoolers for Prospect High School, then you can imagine the pressure they are all under to "bring it". And Prospect High School holds another "street" award for being fabulous. So you know they too feel the pressure to be high ranking. I bet they aren't even satisfied if they are as good as there were last year. Even though it was good, it could be better. We are all trying to be better.....best. But when does it end? Does it end when kids graduate from high school? Or College? Are people my age STILL trying to be better....best?
I don't know. But I do know this. I cannot worry about Lincoln Middle School anymore. I just can't - it's wasting my time. I can't keep worrying that if Lily chooses to be friends with someone in 3rd grade that is somewhat of a bully, that she is destined to be a follower which means she is surely going to turn to drugs and never graduate from school. I can no longer hear "just wait - it only gets worse". If it only gets worse, then I will certainly live a life of dread. B/c seemingly I can do nothing about it except change how I think about it. I can't worry that if Maeve doesn't learn balance now, she will most definitely never be able to handle the hectic life in high school. Maybe she will, maybe she won't but worrying can kill the spirit of NOW. That now I have a 10 year old and a 9 year old......2 girls that are just fine. Two girls that are sometimes leaders, sometimes followers - sometimes respectful, sometimes not......sometimes showered, sometimes not.......sometimes confident. sometimes insecure. All I can do is parent right now...I can't predict what will happen and I have to believe that sometimes, despite even the best parenting, kids do things that they shouldn't.
We are all parenting not just in hopes of them being happy, confident and loving people but also so that they're NOT drug addicts, loners, bullied, bullies, lonely, desperate, flunked out teenagers. I, for one, can no longer keep worrying about all of this. I can't keep thinking about all of the bad things that might happen if I don't parent perfectly. Or if our schools are perfect. It will literally make me crazy....and I really don't function well when crazy. This I know for sure.

Politics

I have tossed back and forth the idea of a Political blog - I mean just one, certainly not a series. I couldn't keep up the emotional aptitude to do more than 1 blog along the way.....b/c when I am engaged w/ the political climate of our day, I am certainly charged up but I can only maintain that energy for brief periods of time. Then it gets too much for me and I have to "check out" of MSNBC and The Daily Show and any other news radio program that gets me fired up.
I am no fair weathered Democrat. I come from a long line of Democrats from every blood line that flows through my core. In fact, I think only once did someone related to me (I am not talking sibs or cousins, but those who came before me!) vote Republican. But I must honestly say my own ideas about what a Democrat is or should be didn't come to fruition until my first job as a Child Welfare Caseworker.
For me it goes like this......I am lucky in life to have it all - love, work, aspirations, success, and support. But for many, those things don't exist. I can remember being in my 20's and getting into a heated argument at a bar with a friend from college about "why can't these moms just get a job - why are they all on welfare". Well, the answer is so simple. All of the things that have come about it our personal history brought us to where we are....so for every good decision I make in my life, it didn't come out of no where, it came to to me via genetics, birth right, geographical location, love, support, encouragement. I didn't decide to chose college or a good husband or good friends on my own with nothing behind that - I made those decisions b/c I was shown love, given opportunity, encouraged to succeed, and lived in a constant mode of pride - pride of hard work, family and myself. NOW.....take all that away and I find it unreasonable to expect that people with much much less than I was given can make equally good decisions. It's unreasonable. I will tell you why these moms are on welfare - it's either all they know or they are on hard luck. If all you know is loss, abandonment, hopelessness - you better hope you have the genetic predisposition to at least have some level of intelligence to get you through. But so many people don't even have that. And if you don't have good genes or good examples of faith, hard work or pride than you better hope the school you went to as a kid rocked. But my money is - it didn't. You see - the people who have nothing, get nothing b/c it's all connected. The people with something get even more b/c it's all connected. I remember driving in my car one day while working in Child Welfare and thinking "why is that woman like that and I am like me?"....was it luck? What was it? It's not luck, but it is good fortune. I am blessed. So this long winded explanation ends by saying that that is why I compelled to help others and to vote for those who believe that without that help, we as a Country abandon each other. We MUST provide these kids with more b/c they aren't getting it in any other way. We must provide mothers with training, hope, encouragement b/c they aren't getting it in any other way. We must educate each child equally b/c if we don't, those kids can't buy a better school like so many others can. We must provide everyone with equal healthcare b/c I shouldn't receive better coverage simply b/c my husband has a good job b/c he was born to loving parents who raised him in a fabulous community with an outstanding high school and free ride to college - provided him with love, opportunity and yes, even a car. That's not fair. And I would love for someone to try to argue that it is.....Come on, try me.

Update

I have recovered from my yoga experience. Yesterday I went to a different class and did well....actually well. So I felt good and proud. What a delicate psyche I have....

Psych consult

I must warn you - this is a long one!
As I have blogged before, I am not a girl who likes and/or chooses to exercise. I go through phases when I feel good about - I am inspired to get it done and it feels good. I go through other phases when I resent the fact the our bodies can't just carry on as usual. I am sure so many people can relate - this is why I blog.
It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't know better. I mean if I had the luxury of ignorance, things would be a lot easier. I wouldn't be hearing the voice in my head all day of "you should have taken those extra 20 minutes to walk" or "you paid for the yoga class, you should really have gone".....or worse yet "you hate feeling puffy and crippled, DO something about it dumb ass". That last statement is a powerful one that I tango with on a continuum. So even as I type this even I say "then just go exercise"....like it's a simple solution. And in all reality it IS a simple solution. But time and again, I choose other activities. I validate these choices by claiming the injustice of age and social pressure. But in the end, I know better. When I order a muffin simple b/c it sounds good with the coffee, I know better.
This long winded opening is to paint the picture for my current state of psychosis.
Last Monday I went to Elements - a local fitness place for women. I don't just dislike working out - I fear it. I fear I don't know how to do it. I fear that I CAN'T do it. I fear that people I know will see me not being able to do it. This must be rooted in the many years I found myself embarrassingly nonathletic. I can only imagine if I were laying down in some shrinks office, he/she would implore me dig deep and recall some horrible memory of 6th grade team picking....or of a volleyball game at some bbq in my 20's...and the list goes on. So....anyway, back to Elements. I almost didn't go about 23 times that morning but finally walked through those doors. I have taken yoga many times before....it's been in big crowded dark rooms where no one can see if I can sit indian style or not....and I am finding, that's the way I like it. When I walked into Elements, it was such a friendly welcome from the owner (who I know) to the people there (who I know). But inside, I was already worried about yoga now that the place began to bustle with the familiar. The yoga teacher was kind and helpful and was burning the best oils. She had us in a circle which amplified my anxiety. We began in indian style....OH NO, my worst pose, the hardest skill, I can NOT sit indian style, I can NOT sit up straight. And now, everyone knows it. I had a total psych meltdown...thoughts racing through my head as insane as "at least I can sing...I do have skills of some kind, I can sing". I was actually listing the things I am able to do in my head while the teacher kindly called my name out several times to encourage "modifications". I piled up yoga blocks, I modified, I stuck it out and I was meeting every fear I had straight on. You would think by the end, I would have felt empowered but instead I wanted to go home and take a long nap. I was positive the teacher was having lunch later with a friend and discussing how crippled this poor 42 year old woman was. Then I spent several more minutes wondering WHY THE HELL DO YOU CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS???? A life long question that only seems to apply to me under one topic - exercise and weight! Otherwise, I am good with the world - don't care what people think about my clothes or my cars and the list goes on. But this one damn thing....is killing me.
I must continue....b/c dammit, I know better.

Pete

This morning I was greeted in the same way I am every day by Peter....with a run run hug "uppie" followed by a kiss and a "good morning beautiful mommy". Every morning I know I am the luckiest gal around town. The LOVE is amazing - as if I trained him to do this. The great news, I didn't. It's purely authentic. I know I am lucky b/c I have been greeted in the morning in many other ways, not so loving but equally authentic.
Before the girls woke up, I turned on Little Bear for Peter and thought it a perfect time to call my dear friend Sheila for a good catch up. I sat on the deck with some coffee and a breeze and life was good. Peter followed me out to the deck and soon I noticed that he was behind our grill and all I could really see were his feet. The next thing I saw was his PJ bottoms and underwear fall to the ground. He was taking the opportunity to pee outside off the deck on one of the most beautiful mornings we have had since June and to be honest, I couldn't blame him. It was glorious outside. He makes me laugh every day.
Just now, he said he wrote a song and asked if I wanted to hear it. I sat down for the show. He had a mop which he swayed back and forth and sang "ooooohhhhh, bad guys....mmmm bad guys...oooohh bad guys". Then he said "do you want to hear the good guys song?". It was similar to the bad guy song but had more words..."Luke Skywalker wants to get the emperor b/c he is strooooonnng. The sharks are bad and can't ge-et me. Good guys...mmmm....good guys". I desperately tried to nonchalantly video tape this b/c it was both the greatest entertainment but also a sweet memory that I was already afraid I would forget. But he wouldn't oblige and nothing was taped. I am hoping that the memory will last although I am already forgetting the tune.
Lastly, another hilarious thing that Peter has started to do is to speak in 3rd person - Michael Jordon style. I will say "does anyone want to go for a walk?" and he will say "Peter Nicoll does".
He is hilarious and a complete love bug - who could ask for anything more?

Real Estate

I thought I would take some time to blog about real estate. I am often asked about the market and since my blog title is Realtor Mom - I should pay at least some tribute to the Realtor end of things. Here's the good, bad and the ugly on our current market.
How's the market? I hear that question all of the time. I never know how to answer that. It can suck, it can be exciting, it can be encouraging, it can be interesting but mostly, it can suck. For about 3 years, all news is bad. I come and tell you how much your house is worth and that's bad. Then we list but have to change that price and that's bad. We finally get an offer and it's bad. So as a Realtor - it's our job to spin "bad". Here's my spin.
We are lucky. We live in a part of the country that STILL get's about $300,000 for a 3 bedroom house. That's a lot in relation to the rest of the country. So we are lucky. You are unlucky if you paid $525,000 for that same house in 2005 but I am spinning "good" now....It's not all bad. People still want to live here. Homes don't stand empty and boarded up for months or years or even a day for that matter. We still have the goods - we live close to Chicago, we have good schools and we have a train. Three things that make it appealing to live here. Yes, we are in a dip but that dip still doesn't even compare to the pain and agony some communities have had to bear these past couple of years. Thank goodness we still have buyers who want to live here.
Here's my spiel when I can no longer spin.
Buyers can be horrible horrible people. They watch a lot of HGTV and CNN to learn that it's "their time". They come in low and refuse to go up. They let $$ drive their house hunt rather than emotion or desire. They are robots looking for the best deal. They pay far too much attention to things my generation of buyers never had the luxury to care about - like "there's no back patio - where would we grill?". They are wise and in the end, know they are doing sellers a big fat favor - and honestly, they are right.
Sellers - every single seller thinks that this market dip has effected every home but their own. It's almost impossible to reason with sellers b/c they think that the $200,000 drop in prices is money they actually lost - like it was their bank account and someone stole it. If you didn't sell your home from 2002-2006, than the reality is this - you never had that money. It is imaginary money.
Saying all this - here's the bottom lines. I am impressed with buyers today. They have saved up a lot more money than I could have ever saved at their age. They are focused and taking full advantage of a great opportunity. Without them, the market would be done. No one would even have to ask me about the market - it would be obviously dead. And my heart is broken for sellers - who either can't sell b/c there is too much inventory or because they owe more than they can likely get. Either way, it's painful for them right now. Less painful than most of the country? Yes, but still painful.
My job is like all jobs. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. Great news, bad news. Hopeful news, defeating news. We take it - learn from it - spin it if we have to. We have to maintain a fundamental ideal - you have something you want to sell and someone out there wants it. The rest is just logistics but the belief in what you are selling must be very strong. I believe in these homes. I believe in these towns. And I believe that there will come a time when buyers go back to thinking that homes are more than houses and sellers understand that $400.000 for a 1 bedroom condo is insane. A girl can dream.

Maeve

While I am on the topic of a "shout out", I thought that Maeve Nicoll really needs one. In her very own right, she is really quite a special girl. She certainly is the typical 10 year old with her constant arguing and negotiating. She is also the typical 1st born - in charge and certainly confident. But what's not typical about her is the brave nature she has in facing the world. She wears the craziest outfits from time to time but with such confidence that even I believe she can actually pull it off. Maeve is also naturally sweet. Something, I never felt about myself - I don't remember being "sweet", even at 10. I think the best way to describe her is that she is just super comfortable in her own skin. She makes friends easily and has not had much difficulty in school. I think she just knows she can do it and if she can't - that's okay too. One time I asked her if she thought she was pretty and she said "yea". But not like, "of course I am" or even like an excited "can you believe how pretty I am" either.....it was just a very simple, "yea". I was so happy she thought so - I would have done anything to think I was pretty at 10! So when I look at her sometimes I wonder where she came from. This tall dark beauty with confidence sans the arrogance who can enjoy activities to the fullest even when she doesn't excel at them. Who is this girl who comes downstairs in creative get ups from head to toe, ready to face the world? She tries to be friends with everyone and I have never seen her be mean to a friend. I am SO happy that I think she has true empathy and appreciation for her world. Truth be told, she is a gem. The time we spend arguing is a small little hiccup compared to how easy it's been to parent her. (remind me of that the next time I spend 20 minutes trying to get her to clean her room!!) So this is a shout out to Miss Maeve Onnalee Nicoll....doin' me proud!

Moving on and a shout out!

Well my last post was certainly a rough day. But I must say that we have had some great days since. Again, I can not state this enough - If I can bear the "nonsense", then we all do so much better. So, if I can just stand the bickering or eye rolling or repeating rules, we all do well. It's when I start to feel the agitation like Harper must feel when the squirrels torment her from the telephone wires, is when we start to disintegrate as a unit. So the rest of the week, I dug a little deeper, accepted typical kid behavior and breathed. We were all happier. Take note - mothers lead the way. It's a ton of pressure to know that your reactions and actions LEAD anything when you feel depleted but it's the reality of mothering. All of us will have days that no matter how deep you go a diggin', you can't find patience enough to make PEACE a part of your day. But then it will also pass and you WILL be able to later....Breathe. Dig. Rest.

I have to give a "shout out" to my guy. Although he doesn't read my blog. I never really write about him but today I will. I am super lucky that after 12 years of marriage, I still would rather hang out with him than almost anyone else. I am lucky that he "gets" me and that instead of golf, concerts and bars, he's home w/ us or with the kids so I can go to work. He can handle the KID thing just as well as I can (probably better at times). He can get them where they need to be. He can initiate play dates. He brings them to the pool. And he can do all of this and make dinner too! I work in peace knowing that Rob Nicoll is in charge. I know I am lucky here b/c for some reason, some men can't quite do that...Mostly, we are completely simpatico with little moments of irritation (almost always his fault!@). The other day Peter said "why do you always hug Daddy?". I was so happy they notice this. I hope they always see 2 people who love each other, help each other and are happy. They will also see 2 people who ask the other why in the hell they can't close the shower curtain or put their shoes away!

done

When I sit down to write blogs like this one....(which is the whole reason I blog - just to be honest about my life knowing/hoping that it connects with someone so that if they, too, have these issues, they will know they are not alone), I always feel compelled to first gush a little - have great kids, super sweet, kind, fun, loving, appreciative. I guess I want everyone to know that I adore my children even though I need to sit down to blog about why parenting is SO SO hard!! So it's like a disclaimer.
Disclaimer - Even though this blog may indicate that I am about to move to Idaho to escape parenting all together, I will survive and stay put b/c I love my super sweet, kind, fun, loving and some times appreciative kids.

I know all moms know what I am talking about. You start out calm. Everything is under control. I have corrected the same behavior (rudeness or meanness or disrespect - the 3 big NO NO's at my house) for the 42nd time today. But even so, I am still strong and clear. I simply state, after lunch you will have to spend time in your room. Now...she already has a play date scheduled at 3:00 which I can't cancel b/c they are coming to my house from the pool. So I am screwed here - no leverage. Anyway, back to the plan - "you will go to your room when you are done eating until Mia gets here". Daughter - "then I will never finish eating". SO many choices here - which one do I chose? Do I ignore so not to engage? Do I pick her up and take her to her room? Do I move Peter, me and Maeve from the situation? I choose to ignore. THEN, said child takes bits of her pizza and tosses it in my direction - about 3 times. I look at her like she has got to have lost her mind to do such a thing.
'Go to your room".
NO
I pick her up and bring to room - she is screaming "ouch, your hurting me". I put her in her room - a room that has 2 entrances. She and I spend about 2 minutes going in and out of her room and me staying calm. She walks towards 1 door and I go to block it, she goes to the other door and I go to block it. I am still calm. I even say "you are not going to go out there and ruin everyone's afternoon". I am calm. I try to say "look at how you were behaving at lunch". Daughter - screaming crying. I think I am the only one who deserves to scream and cry. After the billionth time of her trying to leave her room, I snap and am now screaming - the very thing I was trying so hard to avoid. I was trying SO hard to remain calm and clear. I yell "don't get off this bed". She actually stands up. STANDS UP. WHAT?????? She says "I hate living here". All I can think of is REALLY? You hate living at a place that will not allow you to throw food at your mother - yep, that's tough living. So I said, "okay, then leave.". I pick her up and bring her outside, lock the doors and went to bed. I laid in bed until i was calm and clear again - like a nice time out. All the while, she was pounding on the door and ringing the bell but I didn't care b/c at least she wasn't in here. After about 5 minutes, I unlock the back door. She comes eventually.
To be honest, I am done. If she comes in great, if not, I don't care. DONE. I have zero interest in correcting the behavior of an 8 year old who thinks it's okay to throw pizza at her mother. NONE. And when I am this mad, I am really done.....I almost boycott all parenting all together. That's the power of L, she completely sucks me dry to the bone. I just want to go to bed and call it a day. But alas, I must carry on. I must continue to parent. They will eventually have to eat. I will have to dry her pizza throwing ass to ballet later. I will HAVE to carry on. This is when i get even madder. She took a beautiful peaceful day and pecked away at it slowly but surely until we arrived at this moment. Her alone in her room (which is all i was ever asking for anyway!!!!!!) listening to music and the other 2 still requesting shit from me - can friends come over, can you come watch me to do a somersault, can you buy me a new helmet.

And here's the kicker - now I feel like shit. Like a bad parent b/c I lost my temper. That last helping of guilt and self loathing is the added bonus that I accepted at part of life the day I said "hey hon, I think I want to have a baby".
I was just trying to have a good day.

Happiness and work

It was so ironic that today I received an email from the library telling me that The Happiness Project is now available for me. Perfect timing b/c I was just about to pout all over town. You see Real Estate is a little like the marines - the hardest job you are going to love...and then of course, I like to add my own ending of ..."and sometimes not love" as i am sure that is true for both. Or maybe even all jobs. Summer is tough on Realtors b/c it's slow. And by slow I mean you can list a house and a month later still have NO showings. Slow. And the explanation and remedy to that "slow" wears heavy on the shoulders of a realtor. But this is only part of the picture. Working in real estate can be hard but also full of satisfaction and joy. And I think I can speak for many Realtors when saying that all we really need is a tiny sprinkle of joy to keep going. We don't need every deal to work out and we don't need every client to love us, but we do need sprinkles. Without the moments of LOVE and JOY it's just like any other job. It's the gas to this machine. So I was just out on lawn talking to my friend Anne who is an amazing listener and I were breaking it down. I come inside to see the Happiness Project email and had to laugh. Because REALLY I have NOTHING to be unhappy about. Then, just as I started to blog, up pops an email from a realtor "you fully executed contract". YAY - a deal!!! An accepted deal. 2 things - first the Happiness Project email and then the "fully executed contract" (the sprinkle of joy i so desperately needed) and I sprung up with a spring in my step, popped open a cold fizzy diet coke and felt a million times better. THANK you Real Estate God for sprinkling me today. I needed it and I will use it to move forward in a positive thankful way - I promise!

The rise and fall of the Nicoll Children

It's been a while and I could seriously write about a million things like how the current state of Real Estate has sucked all joy out of being a Realtor. Or how we Nicolls have lived a great summer full of adventures big and small. I could discuss how it's impossible to loose weight in summer or how it's also impossible to find silence during summer. But I think I will take some time to write about how funny it is to watch each of my children fall in and out of my good graces and the others flock to be in that #1 position. Lily loves to see Maeve in the hot seat and I think both of the girls have found a lot of joy seeing Peter fall from adorable can-do-no-wrong little boy to the sometimes naughty and increasing willful 4 year old. And I guess it's a rhetorical question to ask why all 3 can't be sweet and considerate and helpful and amiable all at the same time. For centuries, I am sure all mothers have watched the kids take turns as the "easy" ones or as the very very trying ones! Summer can bring out the best and worst of everyone. The best of me - fun, adventurous, thankful. The worst of me - aggravated at the lack of ALONE moments, impatient, tired and maybe even sometimes....debbie downer. Mid summer is the biggest test. June is adrenaline. Lots is planned, fun is everywhere, celebrations are often and we are just so damn happy to not make lunches every morning. July starts off with a bang with parties and parades and we know we are about 1/2 way through w/ summer. Then 150 requests for play dates later, I started to feel the longing for some structure and silence. SCHOOL. I was almost ashamed to say it. I certainly don't wish summer away but I could use the break. Take note - MID TO LATE JULY PLAN GET AWAY WITH HUSBAND ALONE.
Nonetheless, I can't control the calender. So as I watch each child take their turns at most beloved to most aggravating, I breathe deep. It's only 7/20. We have about a month plus to go. They, too, need the structure and the constant contact with friends that school provides. So tomorrow morning, we are having a meeting to discuss choosing joy over NOT joy for 1 more month while we all live within these 4 walls. Choose joy. Choose quiet. Choose reading. Choose peace. In return, I shall provide one more month of the greatest summer of your life...maybe.

1985

Yesterday I was at the pool with the kids and I didn't coat the SPF on me like I should. I mean, the kids were covered but I really need some color. AND it was late in the day so low chance of sunburn. But as I lay there stricken with guilt, I was remembering a time when the whole POINT was to either tan or burn or whatever would change the WHITE skin a different summer shade.
Let's go back to say, the summer of 1985. I can remember that I would go out about 10:00 am to start this "tanning" process. If luck would have it, my friends and I would go to the beach or lay out together at least w/ maybe even foil under our legs (so trick of the trade to attract the MOST sun) but worse case scenario, I could just lay out my own yard. The good news was my skin cancer concerned mother was working now as a nurse she was mostly gone otherwise, she would be ALL over me for the great lengths I would go to be "tan". Once I had the body part correct - baby oil, foil, spray bottle of water, I would turn my attention to my hair. My next goal was to get my already blonde hair even blonder. I would use whatever I could - lemon juice or Sun-In. The only conflict I would have during this particuliar summer would be - do I continue to lay out from 12-1 or do I go in and watch All My Children. There were a few times I actually brought our kitchen TV out to the patio to be able to accomplish both the burn and the soap.
That night would be fabulous. I was tan (burned) and blonder than ever. The only thing that would make this night perfection was if we would see some boy we were liking AND if they would play Bananarama's "Cool Summer" followed by Tears for Fears "Everybody wants to rule the world..."
It's a cool (cool) cool summer.......
That was a really great summer!

Summer

Well, it's here. Each summer I say,"I want to enjoy summer and not feel too scheduled". But then there are always hundreds of fun things to do making "chilling out" tough to do. But as with everything in life, I search for balance. It takes countless hours to get that summer schedule the way you really want it. I mean there's always swimming. I always like to go on a summer quick trip. There's Theater Camp. Can't miss Vacation Bible School. What about the 4th of July? And we should definitely go camping. But finally I have the summer calender just perfect.
Today is kind of our first day of summer. The kids do go back tomorrow but only for an hour to pick up report cards. But today we had very little planned. Peter had summer preschool in the morning but after that - free as birds.
Some of us woke up disgruntled. I am confident, if you know me at all, you are well aware of who that was. As I tried to shake the attitude and multiple displays of disrespect, a panic set in. HOLY SHIT - it's only 8:00. Oh no.....this is a horrible start to summer. And if I am honest, I will admit it took me hours to get over the BAD behavior of one of my children b/c when you set yourself up to believe something (a fun breezy peaceful summer day) and you get something else (a tense annoying crumby summer day) - it sucks.
But finally I did get over it. Just in time to counsel Maeve about what she could POSSIBLY do with her free time today. She was having a hard time b/c 2 of her friends she wanted to have over were not home. She was so depressed, she couldn't even eat lunch. So I finally come up with an idea she is quite happy with- she can go bike to a friends and then they can bike back here. HOORAY.
All the while, Peter is requesting another play date. He went to school. Then he played w/ our neighbors. The kid had a pretty darn good morning. Alas, not enough for Mr. Nicoll. Cry cry, moan moan.....life's not fair.
But I will say that at about 2:00, everyone was happy. I shook off the aggravation from earlier, both girls had peaceful friends over and Peter was happily bouncing between the groups. I took that opportunity to sit on my deck swing and enjoy the sun.
Ahhhhhhh. Summer!

Life in Mount Prospect

At the risk of sounding overly sappy, I just had to write this blog about Mt. Prospect, my childrens' 3rd parent, and gush a little. So please raise your glasses, I would like to make a toast!

So many times throughout the years, I have cursed my home b/c I am shoving more things into a small 1949 closet or rearranging furniture AGAIN to make best use of the space. But it doesn't even take a full breath for me to say "shame on you!!". I tell people when I am showing houses this exact thing......yes a lot of people have 1 car garages and share an outdated small bathroom with 4 other people but what makes these bitter pills easier to swallow? WE get to live here!!! I know that we have problems with our houses that come with age - clogged sewer lines, archaic and even dangerous electrical systems, and the most common irritation - LIVING ON TOP OF EACH OTHER in our tiny rooms that form a home. But I cannot stress enough how all of those things are so worth it for me personally. So the price of a house doesn't just cover the physical space of that home and lot, it covers so much more. It covers those intangibles that in the end, are the most important parts of "home". It covers the obvious things like great schools and a beautiful resourceful library. It covers the train accessibility and proximity to Chicago. But I really think the thing that makes every dime worth spending is the PEOPLE.

I have always had great pride in where I am from. I thought the Ready Elementary Rockets were the best students in town. I thought the Griffith Panthers were the toughest teams to beat. I thought that being from the "region" made me stronger than most others. And I thought that Hanover College was a perfect place to graduate. It's not that I ever felt I was better than anyone else, I just have always been extremely proud of where I have come. I am proud Hoosier, Chicagoan and now Mt. Prospector. And I am also not suggesting that we are the only town that swells with unmistakable pride. I know there are hundreds of towns out there that feel the same way, I am just saying we are SO lucky that we have it here.

Recently I dealt with clients who aren't from here. They didn't really "get it". They aren't especially excited to be a part of this community b/c I think they think it's just a town. No big deal. Hopefully this changes for them or they will miss out on so much. So between these clients adverse reaction to community pride and our recent brush with fun and fame with Lee DeWyze, it made me really think about how lucky we all are. I mean, yes we all liked Lee b/c he was sweet and a great singer but more than that, I think we liked it b/c we did it TOGETHER. Would it be as much fun to watch the finale from home or to be with thousands of others? I chose the thousands of others and we all shared one thing that night and I think that's what made it so great. We did it together. I think the same holds true for everything around here. Again, Capanarri's is good ice cream but we have other good ice cream in town but we go to Caps b/c that's where we go to be with others. The "others" might not even be people we know, but it just feels better that we are there with our community.

It's a gift I feel so fortunate to be able to give the kids. Rob and I knew the first day we lived in our house that this town was different. We had lived somewhere else for 4 years and felt more "at home" in the first 24 hours in MP. The Jakes Pizza delivery guy actually said "welcome to Mt Prospect"....I couldn't believe that. How did he even know we just moved in??? Then the next day the UPS guy actually rang the bell and said "welcome to Mt. Prospect". WHAT???? What is this craziness? I started to think we were living in Pleasantville. Neighbors brought us banana bread and other trinkets. One neighbor made a list of everyones names of our whole block. We knew we made the greatest choice and it had nothing to do with the actual house.

The whole gig here is that we care about each other, we really do. And God forbid if tragedy hits your family, but if it does, there is no better town ready to support you and lift you up like Mt. Prospect. We have lost children and parents to cancer and illness and we cared for them and their families with just as much passion as we cheered for Lee DeWyze. Because if you live in MP, you are loved, no matter what.

So here's to MP - my kids' 3rd parent. It really does take a Village and we are blessed to have this one!

Living the dream...

Last Tuesday while driving Peter to preschool, I had the big "lecture" to the kids about attitudes and not being appreciative of stuff like...their whole life. I KNOW we as parents aren't supposed to lecture b/c kids hear "blah blah blah" but it's my "go to" when I have nothin' else. So with the craziness of the Lee DeWyze stuff and end of the school year concerts, field trips and other festivities, my children are LIVING THE DREAM. I mean, they have had Capannari's ice cream 4 times in a week at various outings. All for very good reasons - Fairview Spirit Day, Lee DeWyze parade, school function, and then a school field trip. Add that to parades, play dates, bonfires, more playdates, and other random fun and what we have is TOO much of a good thing. So when the kids all had "attitude" w/ their unbelievably generous, loving and patient as a saint mother, mama had to have a little chat. I started local - explaining that I was SURE there were kids in their school that have never EVER had Capannari's. Then I broadened it a bit w/ that in CHICAGO there are kids who go to schools that don't do "special lunch" or field trips. And finally, I layed out that there are kids in our own country and beyond who are hungry and cold and lonely. There was silence in the car and I was so glad that my point was made. We MUST appreciate what we have or it means nothing.

The evening that followed "the lecture", we once again, went to Caps b/c that was our Fairview Spirit Day. They all had ice cream and ran around w/ friends for 30 minutes. Then we get home and both Peter and Lily start opening the pantry. Of course, I say "you just had ice cream, I am making dinner, close the pantry". Lily proceeded to roll, cry, moan and Peter pouted and carried on. WHAT??????? Are these kids totally insane? I think a total LOCKDOWN is needed!

Life is a party!

2 blogs in one day!

Peter Nicoll has somehow learned that every day holds the potential for some fun. Or a treat. Or both fun and treats. Clearly, this comes from the top down. Kids don't know about Fannie Mae unless you bring them there and they don't expect play dates unless they often have them. So I have spoiled this young pup and man am I paying the price!! Here is a list of questions I get every single day from Peter Nicoll.

What I got today?

Are we going to Fannie Mae?

Can we get some Capannaris?

What about Oberweiss?

Can i go to Zachary's?

Or Matt and Cadens?

Can Seth come and play?

Can I go to the Play Place?

Can we make cake?

I hear the ice cream truck?

Can we go to the office for a lollipop?

And when he knows I can no longer take these ongoing requests, he changes all the questions into the following ever so SLY format.

I don't know when I will get ice cream again?

I bet I hear Zachary outside?

I don't understand why we can't go to the library?

I don't know why Ava's not over at our house?

A few updates...

Well, i had my "sit down" and it was successful. I feel like am way more informed about our finances. With all the questions I had regarding life insurance and mutual funds, Rob was a bit paranoid that I might take him out in the middle of the night. It's good to keep people on their toes....I also learned how to do Itunes. I am really growing up!

TEN. Well, I have vivid memories of arguing w/ my mom and knowing I had the will and strength to go the distance so it shouldn't surprise me that my 10 year old has the same might. I am 42 now. I am tired. I no longer have the power to engage in such nonsense. So I must dig deep and ignore right? Because here's how it's shaking out over at my house lately.

Scenario 1
"Maeve, you are chewing gum every day. That's horrible for your teeth. Gum is a treat and you should only chew it occasionally".

Maeve, "I don't chew gum every day".

Me, "yes, you do".

Maeve, "No I don't."

Scenario 2
"Maeve, Grace needs to stop calling here every 15 minutes".

"She doesn't call every 15 minutes", she protests.

Me, "I have the caller ID to prove it. Stop arguing w/ everything I say."

Maeve, "She doesn't call every 15 minutes.".

OH MY GOD, YES SHE DOES!!!!!! Can you hear the screaming in my head???!!!

Scenario 3
"Can I ask a friend to come over to watch Idol".

"No"

"Why"

"Because, we jsut don't need to have friends w/ us all of the time".

"Why?"

BECAUSE I SAID NO!!!!!!!!

Scenario 4
"Maeve, you have been arguing with me non stop. If I say the sky is gray, you say "no, it's blue" and it's really aggrevating me so stop">

Maeve, "I don't argue with you every day".

YES YOU DO!!!!!!

What do I do?

Last night I told Rob that I thought we should have a "sit down" so that I could learn a few things. Like how to download pictures from the camera to the computer. And how to connect the video camera to the TV. Also maybe I should have on paper exactly what we have for life insurance and mutual funds. I mean, if something happens to Rob, I want to know what's happening. Because to be honest, I really don't a have a clue. I must admit, I have NO memory of what we have done to cars - if or when got new tires or brakes or when any maintenance is due. So I started thinking that we truly have divided responsibilities but when I REALLY started thinking about it, what the hell do I do???
Rob
technology
finances (and the bills)
cars
house PROBLEMS
dog poop
garbage
snow/lawn

ME
Meals
Coordination of extra curriculurs
House cleaning
Laundry
Purging of crap in the house
Social calender
Flowers
Vacations
Church

YIKES - I am having a hard time thinking about what I really do. I do bring the garbage cans back up or I have the kids do it. I do most of the grocery shopping although Rob does this too. YIKES. I am feeling a bit spoiled. Hold on - there's got to be some big stuff I do.....Okay, I do all DRS appts but Rob does do the dentist as I am a dental phobe. Okay, I also volunteer throughout town with random activities and Rob's only volunteer job is serving beer tent for Oktoberfest.
So anyway, I guess I have drawn the conclusion that I lean on Rob way too much. I should be able to download pictures dammit and I should probably stop asking him to remind me if we have life insurance or not. I think he's told me the answer to that several times but somehow, I just can't keep it straight with all of the social planning I am responsible for!

Peter

Today after preschool.

"What was for snack today?" I ask Peter.

"Grapes. I didn't eat them b/c I don't like grapes".

"You don't? I thought you did. What kinds of fruit DO you like?".

"Cookies".

"No, I said what kind of fruit".

"Chocalate chip cookies".

"Peter, I know you like cookies but is there a fruit you like - bananas, watermelon?".

"Crackers".

Call out!

I can honestly say that TODAY I am a positive person. I try to think positively. But this doesn't,by any stretch, come to me naturally. Maybe NOW it does but it took years of work. I am sure my mom would agree that as a kid, I may have been delightful in some ways but I was a serious "complainer". And then there have been a few specific moments in my life, when someone caught me in big boo hoo debbie downer moment and "let me have it". The 2 that I am thinking of both came in college when I was probably at my deepest of Debbie Downer days. When I think back, I think at that point, it was habitual and I wasn't even thinking about it. But my angle was always a bit edgy - don't mess with me, glass 1/2 full, the world is out to get me, bad luck jules. But these 2 moments which I can barely describe b/c they are so embarrassing, I was totally called out on bringing those around me down. The first one happened as a Freshman - I was taken WAY off guard. Again, I think some of this was habit and some was part of my "shtick" - part of my humor or my persona. But I stood there, so embarrassed that someone actually told me to basically shut it. But I LEARNED so so much for that singular moment. I really did. I made a big turnaround b/c I don't think I realized how much that was effecting how people viewed me. The next moment came when I was a senior and again, I was taken off guard and basically called out for being "negative". I remember feeling irritated - b/c who wouldn't be "negative" when they traffic was bad or so and so was on your nerves or that your basic impatience with the world has just boiled over???? But then I FELT it. I had been FEELING that negative vibe and it was now bringing ME down too. So why was I facing the world with the irritable, sighing, "put out" M.O.? To be honest, I don't know...I really don't. But I do know that those 2 "call outs" helped me a lot. Do I still fall into habits of Debbie Downer? I do, but they are quick to be turned around. This weekend, one Rob Nicoll had to call me out on one. And he was right. It wasn't fun hearing that I was bringing the whole family down with my general aggravation and fussing and fuming. But I KNEW he was right - b/c once again, I FELT it. The remark stung like a bee, but was warranted. I went to Church that morning and felt sad and dumpy but then I thought to myself, "learn from this". I HATE negativity in others - which is probably based in my personal experience. And I really value being the best person I can be. If I can be better, I am going to try. So after church, I told Rob that he was right and I have been MUCH more aware of any eye rolling, sighing, fussing and criticism that come from ME. Sometimes we all just need a little "call out".!
And then guess what I realized when I first wrote this.....I have passed this trait down to someone I know!!! Oh my, it's true. There is a certain person in this house who wakes up many mornings already mad at the world. Once again, I must take credit for this one. Damn.

Random, but important, thoughts...

I have never seriously thought about plastic surgery. Of course, I have thought about getting a better nose or chin but what a big waste of money, right? Well, this was all until this week when I went to Carsons JUST TO BUY Clinique eyebrow pencil. But as I walked through the clothes, I did realize how much I needed summer shirts. So I grabbed a few and tried them on. Now I am saying this as a totally honest person - there is nothing worse than seeing yourself in a mirror with multiple angles. You see your hair w/ dark roots and cowlicks running wild. You see a hunched back. You see fat hips - I mean, honestly I never look at hips. You see bad granny underwear that seemed just fine when you put them on. I tend to just look straight ahead but this day, I got to see it all. It was then that I realized that I must get my chin fixed. It's crazy - not just double but bulbous. GGEEESH. All the way home (and no, I didn't buy anything) I kept wondering how much it would cost? Now, I am a reasonable Midwestern girl so we all know this is just a pipe dream. The chin I've got it the chin I will always have. But for a few minutes, I really considered going under the knife. But for what? Really, I mean for what? So who cares. What's the worst thing that could happen? The very worst thing that could ever happen is that someone else, besides me, thinks I have a bulbous chin. Okay - well, that's fine - I DO!
I am moving on....
Shows everyone should be watching - The Middle and Parenthood.
Things I have learned in real estate this week - Listen to your gut - it's always right. And if you speak to a Realtor or client, write it down so you don't call them back again with the same exact information because you can't remember one hour from the next.
Things the kids taught me this week - that it's totally unfair for them to ever put their own clothes away. It's stupid that we have to eat healthy all of the time and that this is the worst place to live.

Controlling or Controlled?

I was thinking the other day about the kids going somewhere without me and I didn't like it at all. I can't even remember what is was now. But my memory of how I felt is vivid - I didn't like it. Then I said to Rob, "do you think I am a control freak?". He said ....."Uh, yea, kind of". To be honest, I have NEVER thought of myself as controlling. But then I realized that I am NOT a control freak, I just like things controlled. Meaning, I am no willy nilly girl. I like things "under control". I like order, peace, calm, and structure. I don't like things out of my ear shot or vision. I don't like chaos or "too much " of anything. Too much noise. Too many kids. Too many steps to figure out. I like rules and order and simplicity. But all of this realization made me beg the question - WHY? What is going to happen if there are too many toys out? Or too many kids over? What horrible thing is going to happen if it's loud w/ joyful noise? Who knows? I can't really answer that. I can't even think about it b/c it stresses me out. But I can safely say that most of the time when it's too loud, my next thought is "this is too wild, someone is going to crack a skull". Often times I will think, "hey, let's have so and so over" and then my next thought - too many kids. My 3 plus their 2 and Harper too...that's just too many kids. But WHY is that too many kids? What is wrong with me that a house full of joyful children brings me stress. My dear friend Sheila has brought me back to the home she grew up in Iowa many times. Her parents never minded - the more the merrier. People were in and out all of the time. I loved it. I loved being IN it. But the thought of ME being at the helm of the "in and out" is another thing. I want kids up or down. In or out. I just WISH I could be so relaxed - so "go with it". I grew up in a really structured house. My Dad came home at the same time every day - 5:00, except for Thursday when he had the "down day blues" and came home about an hour later. He walked in the door and we all sat down to eat. We cleaned the kitchen every night by taking turns and did chores every Saturday. We didn't have friends over for dinner and I can definitely say that no one wanted to hear my music (a whole lot of Michael Jackson) too loud in the house. I just don't ever remember "chaos". We were either together conversing or doing our own things in our rooms but we knew what to expect each and every day. It wasn't boring - we had a great time - it was just calm and peaceful. Maybe my mom would remember it differently. So I guess I am who I am. I am the oldest - in charge, fairly organized, full of ideas and solutions. If only I could keep all of those traits and add in a few doses of willy nilly. I will try this summer to be more chilled. And to embrace the unstructured chaotic and often loud days that kids at home all day can bring....
Good thing I can drink mid day in the summer!

Church

I wonder what has kept me from church for so long. Besides laziness and the need for DOWN time, I think it's been my reluctance to believe all that is, what I thought, required of someone to be a participant in church. But something just keeps calling me back over and over to get this church thing going. I am sure some of it is that I was raised in church. My mom worked at our church and it was a very big influence in my life. We were there a lot. When I was in 8th grade, my mom quit her job and we had to start going to a new church. I think starting something new when you are 13 and 14 years old, is not the easiest thing to do. I was painfully self conscience and that ruled my emotions while I was there. I did, however, join the 9th graders in becoming "members" of the church and I did sing in the choir. But I could never shake the "I don't belong here" feeling. But that experience helped me SO much b/c 4 years later, I would have those same emotions when I started college. And somehow, I got to a "I DO belong here" place.

So I have definitely not wanted my kids to miss the experience of "church". I know they are not missing the "God" experience b/c I have always had that as part of our life but I have failed to make church a part of our life. And it's up to me b/c Rob Nicoll is not going to sit us all down and say "okay Nicolls, we need to commit to church". He will go if I tell him to go but he's not going to spear-head the effort. He was not raised in church so he's never been sold the value. So I know that it's definitely up to me and when Sunday morning comes, I want NOTHING up to me let alone getting 5 people dressed (again!) and ready for church. BUT - saying that, I have really enjoyed the last 2 months of singing in church. I have not just loved the singing but also the whole thing - the process, the prayers, the minister, the feeling of "I just did a good thing". So soon all Nicolls will be attending church. And I am guessing there will be a few in my clan who might have the "I don't belong here" feelings but this won't be the last time in life that those feelings will come a knocking! So maybe this experience will serve everyone well! I hope so!!

Just a little more time...

I wish that I could just freeze time. I don't really need my kids to grow another inch or be a little older, at least for a while. When I was little I used to wonder if there was a way puppies and kittens could STAY babies. And I am sure I thought the same thing every time my kids were babies..."if only they could stay this little". But then I would miss out on all the funny things they would say or the interesting ways they became them. And now I can barely remember Maeve's voice at 4 or the funny things Lily would say when she learned how to talk - she has the best voice. I can't even begin to comprehend that Lily was Peter's age when I was pregnant with him. He is SUCH a baby and she seemed so big. But was she? It's just all going way too fast. I don't want them to stay their ages forever, but I would LOVE time to just freeze for a while. Just give me a little more time with 3, 8 and 10. In fact, I just lost 9. 9 vanished away so quickly that some day people will ask me, "what was Maeve like at 9?" and I bet I won't remember. I try to take good notes and video them talking but still it's not enough. Soon, I will have to say good-bye to 3. My baby will be 4. It's blowing by me so fast that I can't keep up. I can't keep up the memories. That's my greatest fear. What more will I forget? Who's going to remember all of this? Who will remember that Maeve was 9 she was patient as a saint with her siblings and when she had something important to tell you, she spoke so quietly you could barely hear her? And who will remember that when Lily get's really serious she barely moves her lips when she talks - it's so cute, I almost laugh b/c she is trying desperately to be serious. Really who can ever forget that Peter says "I'm getting out of here" when he's being disciplined or that he holds my cheeks for kisses and begs you to go to the bathroom with him but then upon entering, he asks for "privacy" - EVERY TIME! I am just so afraid I will forget. And more than forgetting, I guess I am just really sad that I will miss them. I will miss them at 3, 8 and 9. So I am just asking for a little more time. More time for pictures, video, long talks, special trips. More time for them to figure out how to be 8 before 9 is staring them in the face. More time for them to be free of life's worries. More time for me to get them to eat better and go to church.
Just a little more time....

It would be so much easier...

It would be so much easier if people just "got it". It's so easy, it really is. I say "don't do that or you can do this". Simple, right? Wrong. Rebel, bitch, moan, complain, cry, rebel some more and what do you get? You get "well now you can't do this". And then the worst part comes from their shock. "WWHHAATT???? I can't do that? You are so mean?". No, I am not mean. I simply said "if you do that, you can't do this and you chose to do that, which means you can't do this." So simple. So ridiculously simple. Somehow, every other day, we butt up against total ridiculousness. I can barely even type about it b/c it's so beyond stupid. And STILL this person is her in room, crying and bawling at the great injustices of life. Really? I can barely listen. Why can't we just go like this..."hey, if you do that, you can't do this". "Oh, okay. I really really want to watch American Idol so I certainly won't scream at grown ups". Great! Perfect. Simple.

But the same goes for work. People often just don't "get it". Another agent that I work and I keep laughing about how sick we are of our own voices b/c we say the same stuff over and over that even we get sick of it.

So all of this got me thinking - is there something that I don't get? I can't think of anything but I am sure there is something I don't just "get". I guess this is what I don't get. I don't get ridiculousness.

Beat it kid!

So today Peter flipped a lid b/c Lily unbuckled him (per my request) instead of me. So I am in front of St. Mark's coaxing him out of the car b/c I not only have to get him in, I have to get the girls over to Fairview and get me to my hair appt. asap (a girl has her priorities!). So I go the length of putting him back in the seat and re-buckling him and then unbuckling him again. That wasn't good enough. Cry, cry, cry - refusal to leave car. I say "what about snack? What about show-n-tell? Nora, cookies, playing??? What about me getting the girls to Fairview on time? What about the play doh, the loft and the block room?". After I used every possible motivation to move it, I pulled him out myself. The kid flipped out. Then he refused to take his coat off. So I explain to the teachers what has upset him so much - that lily unbuckled him instead of me. I mean, this is totally rational and of course, completely normal. We all laugh and one of the teachers had to PULL HIM OFF OF ME. Usually, I am so sympathetic to any pain he might have and as you may recall, the last time he did this when I forgot his backpack, even I got a little teary. NOT TODAY. This was beyond ridiculous. So i just walked out and wished the teachers good luck.
So, on to Fairview. I pull up and say "you guys will be excited - I made ham and cheese today instead of PBJ's". Maeve said "did you put mayo on it?". I proudly say "yep". She runs off in joy. Then lily asked the same thing and again, with such pride that I remembered that lily does NOT like mayo, I say "nope". She said "WHAT???? I LOVE MAYO". You do? Does she? I have no idea who likes what in this family. So I say"don't worry, you will still like it". She replies w/ "no I won't". So I say "I guess you won't". I closed the door and mumbled "beat it kid" to myself. I mean, seriously, I have a hair appointment.

C or a D

I spent some time shopping for a dress to wear to my brother's wedding. The experience was horrific. Clearly, all dresses run small as nothing fit me that should have fit me. The last time there was a clear disconnect between my body and clothing was when I was shopping for something to wear to Rob's 20th class reunion. NOTHING fit that was "supposed" to be my size. I remember if very clearly - I left Woodfield so flipped out that I stopped and got a milk shake to ease the pain that I was no longer wearing a 10. Then when I got home, I did some thinking.....when the hell was I supposed to have my period? Well to make a long story short, I did a pregnancy test and yes indeed, I was pregnant. With Peter. It does go down as one of my most shocking moments of my life but what a great way to come to terms w/ the fact that I wasn't wearing a 10 any more - OH, I am pregnant. Of course....that makes total sense. Phew! This time I've got nothing. I am not pregnant. I am not sick. I don't have a thyroid problem (believe me I have tried and tried to get THAT to be the reason). I don't have mono or chronic fatigue syndrome. All I have it my big ole' self to blame. And that sucks. How many blogs will i Have to write on this subject until I start making a change?
Anyway - moving on. My mom and I decided to go to Nordstroms to get fitted for a bra. You know, they are famous for being able to really get your right size. So we belly up and say "we are ready for new undergarments". Well, I am not even going to go into the fact that we had the craziest humans alive helping us. But what I will share is that she said I am at least a C if not a D. Now, you know me. Flat, fried eggs, pancakes.....I've got nothing. So to say that I am a C or a D, well you can imagine how fast we wanted to run b/c clearly - this lady is crazy. We tried on several bras and it was a painful experience. If you at all want to get a well fitting bra, don't ask for Gayle at Nordstroms.

Life and death

This week a mom in my community passed away from breast cancer. I did know her. She used to be in my babysitting co op. She was diagnosed 3 years ago I think and was cancer free for a period of time. I think for most, the fact that she was sick again, was news. So her passing was for many, a complete shock. It's been too much. My small circle of life knows too many people who have died of cancer. I am only 41 years old and have attended 4 funerals for people who are my age, who have died of cancer. It's too much. Is it more than we were kids? It seems more. It seems like everyone knows someone their own age who has died from cancer. The tragic side to "our age" is that our children are young. Tomorrow, 2 boys who are the exact same ages as Maeve and Lily will attend their own mother's funeral.
Four and a half years ago, I attended a funeral of a mom at our preschool. Devestating. 3 children - just like me. The sadness was unforgettable and even though it was 4 years ago, I can still remember exactly how I felt - which was pure pain for her husband and children. About a year later, I saw this mom's mother at the library with her grandson. I asked how she was and she said "it gets harder instead of easier". I bet it does. I felt so ashamed that I just marched on with my life that Fall...instead of remembering EVERY day to appreciate and love each day. There were days I forgot about it completely. And then here I am with her mother, who never gets to forget. I was so mad at myself for not holding on to that pain long enough to use it - to use it to be better and more loving and more humbled and more thankful.
But we all do get back to living. We drive kids around and bitch about science fair projects and think we are too tired to make dinner. We go on living. But then you get the news again. Someone has died. Shock. And we make that oath to ourselves again - "I will appreciate each day...I will not complain about my body or having a sore back....I will not yell as much....I will make my husband a priority....I will be better". Because we feel so lucky. Could have been me. So I think the only to remember, to honestly remember, is to print the pictures of those we have lost. Put the pictures somewhere you look every day. Look into their eyes and remember. Remember them, their family, the way you felt when you got the news, and all of those promises you made to be better. Because we are lucky and this is our opportunity to share more love for our lives. Some of us need gentle reminders and some of us need a brick to the head....

Nitrous - You should really try it.

Today was my final dentist appointment. In 8 months, I had about 7 cavities filled, a retreatment of a root canal, and fitting for my TMJ night guard. It wasn't cheap but it was all worth it. I faced a major fear of mine - the dentist - all with the help of a little Nitrous Oxide. The best way I can describe Nitrous is to think about how you feel when you have had a few drinks at the best party on the best night of the year. However, now - I have never smoked pot,but I have gleaned throughout the years, that it makes you a tad paranoid. THAT also happens w/ nitrous. So my mind is full of great thoughts but I don't say any of them b/c I am so paranoid of what Dr. Kakos will think. In fact, today I thought "I bet Dr. Kakos thinks I am flirting with him". Now the fact that I am laying back in the dental chair, having dental work done and not speaking at all SHOULD be enough to convince me that he does not perceive any of that as "flirting". But I was so convinced that even when he would ask me how I was doing, I barely would respond. Looking back, it's crazy. But in the moment, it's really real. I think Dr. Kakos and his assistants know everything I am thinking. During my last appointment, Dr. Kakos' accountant stopped in. They had this casual conversation while Dr. Kakos was working on me. I thought this was the funniest thing ever...I must be in a sitcom right now - a Greek DR and a Jewish Accountant - doesn't get any better than this. Later that night, I tried to tell rob about this "hilarious" conversation between Dr. Kakos and hi Jewish accountant. Well - it wasn't hilarious at all. It wasn't even a story. Basically the accountant just stopped and said "hi". Soon I realized I had nothin'. But that is what Nitrous will do to you - everything is a riot. I am pretty sure though, that Dr. Kakos could go home and tell his wife some pretty "hilarious" true stories about his patients thinking that "hi" is the funniest they had ever heard.

Sitting with it...

I honestly do look at most situations in life with "what did we learn". Right now, I am dealing with some challenging work situations. This current situation is making me learn...forcing me to learn something. One thing I am learning is that although I don't back down from conflict, I want it resolved. You can say what you want to say, and I will say what I want to say, but then I want it resolved. So I am learning to "sit with unresolved conflict". VERY tough for me. I am a resolver. But, there is always something to learn in life and I am learning to "sit with it". Makes me super uncomfortable. Will I back down in my beliefs for resolution? Nope. So when a girl won't back down, she better learn to deal with the world NOT being resolved. Unresolved. I am going to blame my astrological sign, the Taurus, entirely for this character trait. We are clear people. We are passionate and opinionated. But we are real resolvers. The whole "bull" thing is bull. We aren't stubborn at all. I know a lot of Taurus (is that Taurai?) and I would say most of us apologize before our significant others ever do. So my point is that we are strong - but clear. Passionate but problem solvers. So to SIT w/ conflict just doesn't work for me. But I don't rule the world so I must learn to adjust. My adjustment this week is clearly one thing - letting the elephant be in the room....whether I am comfy with that or not.

Church

Well, I joined the choir of the First Pres Church of Arlington Heights. I really joined the choir just to sing....but the added benefit is "church". And to be honest, I wasn't really considering that. But for years, I have thought about going back to church. And of course, exposing my kids to the church experience. But year after year, time goes on and it never happened. But for me growing up, church was a HUGE part of my life. My mom worked at our church so I spent a lot of time there. So I feel guilty that the kids haven't had that same opportunity. Maybe now is the time. Even though Rob didn't grow up going to church at all, he said he is willing to "come along". So we will see - again, this one's all on me.
But I did learn something this week at church. For one, I realized that you don't need to "buy it all". I guess I was always hesitant b/c I thought "well, I am not sure I totally believe all of that". But I sat there on Sunday and realized you don't really need to accept it ALL but just the parts that connect with you. If you believe in a higher power and you believe in creating love and peace - that might be just enough. When you sit with the choir, you look at the congregation and as I looked at all of the faces, I thought about why they were all there. I bet some people just go out of habit. Some might go b/c they are struggling in life. Some go to be inspired. Some go out of guilt. But whatever the reason, they all NEED to go. They feel a NEED to be there. My "need" is to sing, find a little peace and to pass down the experience to my kids.

Day to day

I think I have made it abundantly clear that sometimes parenting is really really hard for me. I find the challenges of discipline really difficult and I spend a lot of time in the "holy shit, how's this going to be when you are 15". My mother was a great disciplinarian b/c, in my memory, she was steady eddy. I don't remember seeing a lot of emotion from her during times of discipline. And here's a crazy thought - I actually just did what she said, most of the time. So this whole NOT listening to what I have to say is tough. Especially when I was 8.

In the darkest moments of parenting for me, I don't want to do it. I think I can't. Those darkest moments come when I am functioning at the top of my game and we still have shit going down. I know that I can do NO better than I currently am, AND I know that I STILL have to do it. No matter if I take a bath, take a drive, go to bed early - in the end, I have to "parent" again, whether I am great at it or not.

Let's just cut to the chase - I have a child who can both light up my life and make me want to move into a hotel for week, all in the span of about 3 minutes all day long. So, I manage her. I predict. I reward and entice. I make sure clothes are clean that she likes, that she has play dates each week and that she has opportunity to move the body. I structure our days with very little room for error. I try to ignore and I try to address. I try to understand and I try to be clear. THIS management is too much - it wears a gal down. So when, after the best management, she still blows gaskets and disrupts the whole crew, I am left with feelings of wanting to move into a hotel.

So last night, I really did hit the wall with it. It's day to day. Really the behavior is steady, it's just HOW much of it can I take. Last night - not much. So I just isolated in the bath, with a Miller Lite. I felt like staying in there forever. What if I slept in there? Rob might think I have really gone off the deep end. Maybe he would offer to rub my back or better yet - fix the kids!

But soon I heard a knock on the door. I said come in. It was Lil. I am thinking she wants to apologize (which is an insane thougth b/c I don't think she has EVER said she was sorry, a genetic trait clearly passed down from her father), She says "I didn't like the meat at dinner, but Daddy said to eat more, so I did". I say "good". But what I really want to say is, "I don't give a shit". I really d0n't. I want to just say I DON'T CARE - I don't care who eats, who bathes or who does homework. My management skill are depleted and I am done.

But of course, I don't say that. And eventually I get out of the bath. I pout around for awhile but, what the hell, life goes on right? So I am printing Science Fair forms, researching science fair projects. Annoyed? Yes. But somewhat relieved that we all 5 just keep functioning despite the whirling durbish amongst us? I never thought I would quote Charlie Sheen - but I can agree whole heartedly when he said he is turned on by "relief".

phones and schaumburg

It is not unlike me to live in a little denial when I know something has gone wrong - I mean wrong enough that it will require either money or time or worse, both. So on Wednesday when the screen of my phone was blank (and I need it to USE the phone), I just hoped that that was a fluke. That would never happen again. But when it happened on Thursday, I finally realized I needed to make a call.
First to Costco - that's where I got the phone. They said call AT&T.
On Friday, I called AT&T. They asked the most obvious question. "Did you drop the phone or did it get wet?" WHAT? Of course not. Who drops their phone while also trying to open the doors to the car? Who leaves their phone near the sink while doing dishes? Not me. That's crazy talk. So they tried to talk me through some blukety bluck but I understood nothing so they said "go to the ATT store on AH Road in AH". OK!
Could I do this over the weekend? No way. But I knew I had time on Monday. A small window of 10-11. So, I drive to the ATT Store today right at 10. They said "well, we don't fix phones here, you will have to go to Schaumburg". SCHAUMBURG???????? I have a small window of time! They never mentioned Schaumburg!! WHAT???? Now if you don't live around here - or even if you do, let me describe my thoughts on Schaumburg. It's the Castelton of Indy, the Kenmore of Cincinnati. It's the Merrillville to the Region. It's a big square of shops and cars and malls and shops and I feel like to go to Schaumburg and get out of there, I need at least 2 hours. Saying that, it's seriously about 10 mintues away. But I am a small town gal and really only operate within the same 4 square miles every day. Nonetheless, I went for it. I made it over to the Schaumburg shop in about 11 mintues. Victory.
I was nervous to go into this " service station" b/c years ago, I had to go to the US Cellular's "service station" and it was the underbelly of all cellular phone users. It was worse than the DMV. But today was lovely - fresh and happy and I was the only customer.
So I have a new phone, was out of there in less than 30 mintues and signed us up for U-Verse. I haven't told that part to Rob yet but I was so overjoyed that my trip to Schaumburg went well and that the people gave me a new phone, I would have bought a car if they were selling one!

Message - Schaumburg isn't really that far and it's not really that overwhelming and I REALLY need to get out more!

What a week!

Oh my gosh - I have so much to write. What a week! I worked a lot and the kids had a lot and we have colds - but let's start at the beginning...

Last weekend we were in Wisconsin. Peter LOVES going - loves being with Oliver and Elliot. He kicked and cried and really let me have it when we left. "Why do always makes us leave when we are in Wensconsin?". "You are a rude woman making me leave Wendsonsin". Nonetheless - we had to go. Of course, getting a way was great but I had work on the mind (as always lately!). So we come home, I go out to work and luckily, my clients found a home and we made an offer late on Sunday night. I was finally home and done at 8:30 at night.

Monday the girls were off school. We decided to to The Museum of Science and Industry as it was a free day. It was prefect - not too crowded. Pete's favorite thing - a Little Tykes pirate ship that really could be found basically at any park. But I thought the girls loved everything - just like me. Especially the big engines and airplanes. But later Lily told me she didn't like it. This comes as no surprise - her take on life always leans to the negative.

Tuesday - work, showings, shopping for orchestra outfits.

Wednesday - Maeve's first orchestra concert. These moments are what make the chaos calm. The rush of dinner, getting dressed, being sure we are all prepared. AND having to get to Fairivew 3 hours early just to get a decent seat...But alas, the concert starts and it's no surprise that I am brought to tears. My nearly 10 year old daughter, tall and beautiful and bright, plucking away at her Viola. And I felt pride for ALL of the kids. What a great school and what a great life.

Thursday - more work, meetings, and then my first choir practice. TRUE. I have missed singing in a choir for far too long. So I got a tip that the director at First Pres in AH was really good. I called and said "sign me up". So I was nervous and I will say, I had no idea what to expect. AND I felt guilty taking even MORE time away from home. BUT, this is a creative outlet for me and as music is one of my passions, I felt it worth the sacrifice. It was go great...yes I am super young compared to most other members. But I will say this...I can't believe the welcome. They were beyond welcoming and sweet and even one member took me under her wing and made sure I was taken care of. I came home happy as a clam and ready to tell the world about my new adventure in life - Rob was practically sleeping and sick. So instead, I ate 1/2 a bag of chex mix and watched Friends.

Friday - started out great...but then, I started running late - really late. I was taking pictures of a new listing and then my phone was missing and in the end, I walked in 20 minutes passed the time I have my sitter for on Fridays. AND walked into a house with another child - his friend Alex. Because I WAS SUPPOSED TO BABYSIT AT 1:00. Bam Bam - felt like I was going down. And although my sitter and my friend "have my back", it's impossible for me NOT to feel like a jack ass. And all I could think was "I can't keep up this pace".
Friday night Lily had soccer and she tried really really hard and I was proud of her.

Saturday - worked practically all day. GUILT - rob is sick at home w/ the kids again. GUILT - Peter is crying and doesn't want me to leave. GUILT GUILT GUILT.

Saturday night we did get to unwind w/ friends and Thai food -

Sunday - woke up to go SING. And I loved it. GUILT - leaving the family again. Now I am - AT WORK. When I get home I have to work with Maeve on a school project. I am already prepping myself for Peter and Lily wanting my attention too.

So in the end - my diet consisted of crackers, chex mix and cereal. Barely enough water to keep my poor kidneys functioning. Important people in my life either called or emailed and I couldn't respond. Peter missed more naps than ever in his wee life. And I made countless commitments to exercise every day that never developed into reality...and to be honest, I knew they never would. I was late, tired and illiquiped emotionally much of the time. BUT - we survived. My kids aren't seriously ill. We both still have jobs. I wake up each knowing that I have all I need - a home, a family that loves me, great friends, hope, and enough money to go to Caribou.

And I also wanted to say that every time I blog and I say "I"......I really mean all of us. Because I am no different than any other mother running around trying to make the best of her life and the best of her family's lives. I am not alone in the chaos or the stress. I am not alone in the tears or moments of pure joy. And I know for sure, that I wasn't alone in shopping for orchestra clothes the day before the concert.
I write this blog b/c all moms share one common denominator - trying really hard!

Questions

Peter has so many questions I can't even hear them after a while. All I hear is me saying "i don't know". The thing is I DO know but I just don't have the energy to go into it. Here is a list of the usual questions....and mind you, he barely waits for me to answer before he's on to more questions.
What you eating?
What's in your mouth?
Why are there so many cars here?
What's in teh box?
Can I.......Can I......Can I....???
Where's Lily?
Why did you say that?
What did you say?

I DON'T KNOW.

The list goes on and on and it's not that I am too physically tired to answer, it's just that simply, I don't have it in me - I can't even digest his questions.

Anyway - all is good here. Kids good although Lily had a rough week last week. It's probably b/c I publicly announced that I feel like she's made it over the hurdle. So then almost immediately after I claimed peace in the house, she screamed and cried all week. But this weekend and today have been pretty good.
Maeve amazes me with an unbelievable ease of being. She is really super comfortable in her own skin. I asked her if she ever wanted certain clothes b/c her friends had them (example - word is that some girls are wanting the real Uggs b/c the friends have them). I have never noticed Maeve caring about any of that but I wanted to just check in with her. Anyway, she said, "no. I mean, sometimes I like a shirt a girl is wearing but I don't get jealous or anything". Really? I think she's more mature than me.
Peter is peter...sweet, a bit whiny, loving and funny. He starts every day with "what I got today?". It better be good too.
Real estate is kicking my ass a bit. Lots of time...lots of time. Lots of patience. Lots of time. I think that wraps it up.
Oh...and today I exercised for the first time in about a year. I can honestly say, I didn't enjoy it.