Been a long time...

It's been a whole month since my last blog. I don't know if that speaks to my lack of time, energy or overall avoidance of anything that just didn't HAVE to happen. Blogging is a luxury I guess and this past month felt like a experience in focused, no-nonsense planning and execution.

But we survived the parties and the mad rush and the spending and the wrapping and the driving up and down interstates. I have lost hours of sleep and gained a few (or more than a few) lbs but again, I am standing. The Holidays are hectic for everyone but this year, I had the added stress of planning the Family New Year's Eve event for the Village and some real estate work stuff to attend to. So I really feel like I missed out on the spirit of the Christmas b/c I was just "surviving"...and that sucks. I am officially retiring from planning events...unless I am SUPER inspired b/c frankly, I am getting nothing out of it anymore.

So on to 2010. I think about the continuous struggle to live a full life but still a simple life. It's a life long journey for most people I think...I really do try to live and give my children a full life but struggle with how to do that without the burden of "too much"...too much stress, money, time, energy. I long for days of my youth, or at least how I remember my youth, when summers were long and full of nothing but bike rides and books. These days I want to make summer full of experiences that we miss during the school year but that I think are worth having. So how do you live a simple life yet make it diverse and interesting and full? Let me know if anyone figures it out. Here is a great example; I love long days at home with nothing planned but then i hear voices saying "go to the city. we never get to the city enough. the kids haven't even been to the planetarium...". Again, please let me know if anyone has a handle on this modern day mother's struggle.

At least I can say this...I have started out the new year with getting back to something that is just ME. My music. My music used to be SO important to me. I mean growing up, college and when I was single, I had a collection of really great diverse music that really comforted and inspired me. But of course, as I had the kids that just went away. Because who has time for sitting in front of their "jam box" and belting out song after song until you know every single word by heart. But this year, my parents gave me a CD player for the kitchen. So I just collected my music from the dark corner of a cabinet in the family room and set them up in the kitchen. I put an old Nanci Griffith in and I felt SO happy. I stood there and read the album cover from beginning to end as I sang along with her, proud that I could remember those harmonies. I felt sadness that I had let that go. And guilt that I left Nanci and Sade and The Cowboy Junkies in the dark for the last 10 years. But they are back. And I am really happy about that.

Being sentimental!

And I know I am far more philosophical than most. But when I am amongst the world, i often look around and think about my place in it. And my place or relationships with people. It does help shape my vision for myself and how I want to live. This Thanksgiving has been no different. I have really learned more about myself this Thanksgiving than ever. For one, I miss my Grandma. I really miss our Thanksgivings at her house. Some of my most fond memories of any holiday are htose Thanksgivings. Something very special was alive during those years in Nashville. And as lucky as I am to have had them, I feel super sad I will never have them again. And I think it goes beyond that it was just that I was younger and so much less responsibilities. I think it was a gathering of like minds. A gathering of true family love. Love for each other and love for Grandma and love for Nashville. Sometimes it just hits you and this year it did.
So what do I miss about it? Everything. The drive into Nashville. The excitement I felt when I pass Aunt Julia's house and know I am almost there. The sounds of the gravel road under my car as I turn to my Grandparent's. The anticipation of who is already here...who's car will I see. The sound of her door opening and the smell of Grandma's house. The great hug she can give only around my waist b/c she is so little and hearing her say "little julie sanders". And then the hugs to follow from everyone who is there. Are my parents here yet? Is my brother here? Where is Jeananne? The second question after "how are you Grandma" I would ask for 20 years..."is Jeananne here yet?". Then the rest is just whip cream on top. The food. The laughter and many inside jokes that only us Roses would understand. The walks. The coffee. The shopping. Hearts. IU basketball. A game of pool. All of it.
Now, for a while, I felt so sad that I couldn't give this same experience to my kids. But I think they have it. They have it here. The same things but here. It's just not my Thanksgiving. It's theirs. I feel sad that mine is kind of over. That is growing up. Seeing yourself in the world but feeling a bit out of place. Much like the theme of one of my favorite books The Middle Place. I am really there. I am in the middle place for sure. Certainly not a kid anymore but from time to time, I really miss what I had when I was one!

Back together

Last night Peter stayed in his room - for the most part. He actually did come down a couple of times but ran right back up there. Today he slept until 7:40. YAY. I am a new woman. I am back in love w/ Peter Nicoll. We had our usual snug fest of love and I didn't have feelings of "what the hell are you doing up??".
Went to a closing yesterday and had to bring all 3 children. Yes, I marched into a Title Company with 3 children. Who does this? I couldn't find a sitter so it had to happen. We had already been having a really shitty day and then that just topped it for me. BUT, when we walked in, the people who work there couldn't be nicer. They gave them their own conference room and crayons and papers. How sweet is that. So that really turned my day around.
Now, I have one more closing this year. So I had a pretty good year. But I did something for the sale that closed yesterday that I say time after time, I will never do again - but I did. And that is reduce commission. It's tough b/c we still have to pay PFR the full amount - as if we didn't reduce commission. SO what that boils down to is me receiving about 1.5%. Better than 0% yes, but it's never fun to see that check be so much less than it should. Now, in this case, I absolutely wouldn't have gotten the listing unless I reduced commission. And I wanted the listing. Sometimes I am happy to pass on the listing but this one I wanted. So all in all, I am glad I did it but it stings on pay day.
Today I am bound and determined to be production. I have been fairly negative these last couple of days but today, I am going to take care of business. First I am taking Peter to the Play Place as a reward for doing a good job last night going to bed. Then off to Borders and The Gap. I have to clean the basement. Really clean the basement. Make a plan for my cooking. TCB.

And lastly, thanks for reading my blog. You have no idea how thankful I am that I both have my blog and people read it. I love getting emails from people saying that liked the blog or could connect with the stories. When I was out my computer last week, it was tough. I really count on my blog as a place to GET IT OUT.

Alone time

I learned a long time ago that I was less than a good parent if I started my day to awake children. Or started my day AWOKEN by children. I figured out that I MUST get up before them. I must. And for the most part, that has been pretty simple to do b/c my children are good sleepers. They go to bed when I say, they napped when I said and they generally have woken up around 7-8:00. Now there have been phases when this is not true. There was a time when Lily woke up at like 5:00 am....I don't remember how long that lasted but I think she was about 2 years old. There are also times when they have trouble sleeping so they come to me in the night, "I can't sleep".
But right now, my sweet son is making me a crazy person. I had a perfect thing going ever since school started. I woke up at 6 or 6:30, made my coffee, did emails or watched the news. I took a shower and in general, was totally ready for the day. But now this child is not only NOT staying in his bed at night which translates to him not sleeping until 10:00pm, he is waking up on MY TIME. I can't take it. As it's been made clear, I am truly in love with Peter. I adore his every move. But I can NOT tolerate anyone creeping in on my time. I know myself VERY well. I know that I function well when I protect my boundaries. The next thing I know, he's going to not nap and take my Oprah time from me. AHAHHHHHHHHH! Can you hear me screaming? PROTECT OPRAH AT ALL COSTS!!!
Today he was up before me. So I started the day w/ a big UGH feeling. Then he sang through the news, talked SO loudly to me, bumped my hot coffee several times, asked me a million questions. Then i took a shower. He came in and out of the bathroom allowing much cold air to come in. He dropped cars on hard floors making crashing noises. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS.
I am a person of peace. It's my ultimate goal every day in every situation. I need peace. I would LOVE quiet but at least, I need some level of peace. And I get a little peace each morning, again for an hour in the afternoon and then after the kids go to bed - so around 8:30. But after the kids go to bed, I am DONE so nothing can be accomplished. So I really really COUNT on my morning.
Anyway, Peter is at school and the girls are here. They aren't in school this week so that probably adds to my level of concern re. my "alone" time. But I will dig deep, drink more coffee and be fresh and alert for my 1:00 closing!

NO time

Well I would LOVE to blog right now. I haven't had my computer in 5 days. I have a million thoughts that have been kept captive in my brain. Like, how I have had a renewed real estate spirit b/c of some perfect clients I have had this month. And how PROUD I am of my girls' report cards. And how irritated I am that PEter wakes up when I do at 6:30 leaving zero time to "wake up". But alas, I am super tired and must brush teeth and go to bed. I will blog tomorrow - with NEW energy. I love my computer - it's back. I'm back.

Unlucky but laughing...

Well I have had a pretty unlucky shitty go of it these past couple of days. But to be honest - just laughed my ass off. Here's why!
I found a tape I made a LONG TIME AGO - I think before I even met Rob - a mix tape of all of my faves. So I haven't listed to this tape in a million years so I put it in here at the office. Then all of a sudden in the middle of a song, I hear sports radio. Then I hear MY voice. So I remembered that when I was BIG and pregnant with Lily, Rob took Maeve away for the day and I got Lily's nursery ready. So, I obviously had this tape in the CD player but was listening to sports radio and then decided to call in - to weigh in on some big important sports issue. So it's me calling asking "when is IU going to get some respect". SO FUNNY. Seriously, I am still laughing at how SERIOUS I am talking to Silvy - yes Mark Silverman who is still on ESPN 1000. But what is even funnier is that I was seconds from calling ESPN TODAY to weigh in on why Tubby Smith won't take the Bob Kostas interview. So not much as really changed. Well, my passion for my beloved Hoosiers has waned due to isolation (no Hoosiers in my land) and to be honest, horrible play. ANYWAY - what a crazy thing that was to hear my voice. Wipes out a bunch of crap. Plus it helps that I am at work drinking a Miller Light...great place to work.

So - the crown of my root canal just crumbled, we lost all of our data on our computer, Peter and his friend Nora damaged the bow to Maeve's viola, I am dealing w/ New Year's Eve Party controversy (and HEY - I am VOLUNTEERING for that people!)
So all in all - these things happen right. Still breathing. Still kickin'. Might be kickin' someone's ass soon but at least I am still kickin!

Day to day sistas

Well, never a dull moment.
Today, right when i thought that taking "the pill" - Lo-estrin, had wiped out all signs of PMS, a raging headache came my way. But I guess that's not SO bad if all other symptoms are drastically diminished. And by symptoms I mean the over powering desire to rip someone's head off.
Then this evening, Peter crashed his sweet little noggin into the corner of a post in the basement and has a big goose egg. I handled it like I do most things that have to do with him. First I wanted to cry, then I got it together and helped him, then I cried. But in the end, I think he's fine.
Had quite a hiccup w/ the New Year's Eve Family Bash that I am planning - but after many calls/emails/consult, the crisis was diverted and I felt relieved. Exhausted but relieved.
And the gray skies coupled w/ the headache, I found myself eating a Peanut Butter and brown sugar sandwich. Now, that's not really NOT a carb. But I made up for it w/ my dandelion tea and veggie omelette for dinner.
And finally, I continue to have the worse anxiety dreams. Even though I am drinking a "Calm" magnesium drink AND taking a cortisol manager. Last night I dreamt that I was at the Picket Fence Christmas party but totally forgot my grab bag gift. So I left the party to go to Target really quickly but was lost or driving on lawns or running or making up excuses to my grab bag partner why I didn't have the gift. CRAZY MAKING BUSINESS.
But after all the lows - cracked skulls and all, there were some highs.
Lily finished a Helen Keller book and she is beaming with pride as reading is still a bit tough for her. Peter got a handsome new hair cut for the Holidays since his depression era lice hair cut had grown into quite a mess. And now all are tucked into bed and Rob and I are going to watch Mad Men.

Dedicated to my friend Stef...

This blog is dedicated to my friend Stef who, after 20 years as a big time professional, is considering staying home with her boys!!!
Well, this morning I got to experience what most working moms go through on a continuous basis. Now, calling me a "working mom" is a stretch b/c I do only work part and my schedule is very flexible and mostly controlled by me. However, every once in a while, I have work things planned and a child of mine is sick. It's a horrible feeling...do I cancel? Will my clients be disappointed? When the hell else am going to to be able to reschedule? Is there anyone who can sit here w/ them while I go ahead and have this meeting?

Now, Dads simply go to work.

I understand why. They are the main contributors to many families' income. Well, for some families that is - I am quite sure that even when moms make the same bucks, they still have the job of morning detail and sick kid watch. But in our house - Daddy brings home the bacon.
So this morning, Lily wakes up crying b/c her ear hurts. This isn't new. It's been hurting. 2 DRS have looked and she does not have an ear infection. So at this point, I don't know what else to do. I take her temp - which was fine -and give her Motrin for the pain. I was up early b/c I had 5 showings scheduled for the morning in a different town. So I am focused and busy. Rob is still home while I jump in the shower. When I get out Lily is worse; she is back in bed. She said Daddy put her back to bed to rest and he also left for work.
On no! What if she is really really sick. Holy shit...my clients are on a time crunch, they have to buy something soon. I really can't show again until Thursday - damn-it, Thursday is when I was going to buy some really kick ass shirt to wear to a party this Friday. Damn.
But wait a minute - Rob Nicoll knew i had these showings but off he strolled. I say this to not disparage my husband b/c he is right to stroll off - we need him to keep his job and make the cash. But my point is that one thing mothers give up that father's don't entirely give up, is freedom.
Here is a summary of what has to happen for me to do anything - work related or otherwise. I must first find a sitter. Should be someone else who has a child so Peter can play and whose child isn't taking a nap at that time. Then I have to bring child to sitter. Then hope that the sitter's child isn't sick or that my own child doesn't become sick. I must drop him off, hurry up and get busy b/c I have to definitely be done doing whatever I am going by 3:30 to get the girls. Unless I find them their own sitter. But that sitter would also have to go to Fairview and be able to fit them in their car. But that might buy me some time. But shit, they have ballet at 4:00, so that isn't really much extra time. Unless that sitter also has a child who is in their ballet class.
I think I have made my point. But to make it further, I will illustrate for you how my morning continued to develop.
Lily started feeling better and I knew it was okay for her to go to school. Kick ass. So we are all packed up to head out the door. No wait, we aren't. We need gloves and a water bottle. Okay. We are really ready. So we drive over the tracks to go to St. Marks. Drop Peter and then off we go to cross the tracks back again to bring girls to Fairview. Then I run into my office to do 3 things...don't forget all 3 things. I am right on time!! Hooray. I then drive into Des Plaines. I don't really know Des Plaines like the back of my hand or anything so I drive around a bit to make SURE I know what I am doing once I am w/ my clients. Then I stop at Remax to pick up some keys. No parking. I illegally park and run. Then I meet my clients. Showings go well but I am aware that I need to hurry us along b/c Peter must be picked up at 11:15. So we wrap things up, I drop my clients back at their car, double park my car w/ the hazard light on to run keys back into Remax and head back to MP. And I made it. I really made it.
So, my hat goes off to all "working out of the house" moms. I only have the dilemmas in small doses and it's enough to make me want to drink by 10 am. So Stef - guess what will happen when you quit work? The next time either boy is sick, you can say "kick ass, no worries. We are just going to snuggle in - I don't have to cancel or reschedule a thing". It's the greatest gift of staying home.

Want to do it all...

I have a big problem wanting to do it all...I want to go to Disney World again - w/ the family and again w/ my mom. I want to go out West and see the mountains and snow and have Rob teach the kids to ski. I want to rent a cottage in Brown County, Indiana. I want to have a condo in the city for weekend jaunts. I want to book a water park winter get-away. I would love to rent a house on the beach for about a month next summer. I mean, why not. I would love to go to the Carolinas. I think a trip to Canada would be great and I even researched a trip to Ireland as a family. I seriously want to travel 24/7. The problem is there is just so much to do that we haven't done and so much that we have done but that I LOVE so much I want to do again. The other problem is we have no money for such fabulous travel ideas.

ON a totally different note, why does it bother me that Rob sleeps through every movie. I shouldn't even care. I know that. But it makes me crazy to look over during the movie and see him sleeping. And during GOOD parts. During exciting parts. I realize that it takes major medication to get me to fall asleep at all, but come on. The funniest part comes when I ask if he liked the movie and he actually weighs in. AS IF!!!

And lastly, on another totally different note, my goal for the Holidays is to truly enjoy the spirit of Christmas. I try every single year to do this but this year, I am bound and determined. It will be quite challenging to do the fun/festive things I want to do AND sit back and relax, But that is my goal.

Okay - now really LASTLY. How can Maeve "forget" to practice Viola but remember that she is supposed to be on Webkinz w/ a friend online. How can she manage to have enough energy for a birthday party but is totally wiped out for piano. CAN play. CAN'T put clothes away. CAN watch TV. CAN'T empty the dishwasher. CAN eat Halloween candy. CAN'T eat dinner. Interesting. Her capabilities are so diverse.

Continued

Well, the week has gone fairly well. I say that even though I just ate 2 Snickerdoodles. However, I am not going to let that discourage me. They were home made - warm - and unbelievable. Worth it? I am not sure yet.
I am loving this Friday - the kids are happy and I built a fire and am even IN THE ROOM while they watch Wizards of Waverly Place and I just despise Disney Channel.
Also - worth noting, I am now taking "the pill". Like many, I was/am experiencing increased PMS w/ age...and worse periods. So my DR suggested the pill. This is the end of month 2 - the jury is out. I will know more next week. I am SO hoping the PMS is better - as is Rob, I am sure.
My girls are SO excited b/c my friend Kristi is here...they are ON HER. The poor girl can barely make a move without their attention. It's fun to see them show off their talents to her.
OH MY - I just HAVE to go to bed and it's only 7:45. I hate these dark days that follow long nights of shitty sleep and lead into long busy work days.

Update

Well, I have done really well tdoay. So far, so good. I drank lots of water, took my B12, ate really well, never ate candy, ran up to the 3rd floor of the Village Hall instead of taking the elevator and did the same at the libary and even drank the dandelion tea.

I really really want some candy. I really would love a Snickers. But so far, so good.

I must admit that I had 2 bites of Peter's hot dog tonight and it was damn good.

Motivated

Well I have to admit to a few things...one is that I would blog more if typing weren't such a pain in the arse for me...I am a horrible typist.
The other is that I think I am ready to get back motivated. I have shared in my blogs my lack of motivation to get this body into shape. Well I just may have bottomed out yesterday. I had a spat w/ Maeve that just sucked the life out of me. So to get over that, I ate about 1/2 a bag of Vinegar and Salt chips and watched a DVR'd episode of Friends....( I DVR Friends b/c it's a show that just brings me 30 minutes of joy and I am in a really good part of friends when Rachel and Ross break up....ahh, those were the days right?). Anyway, I did feel better afterwards - my brain was sufficiently numbed and I was able to move forward. For about an hour. Then the crash came - my stomach, my teeth and suddenly I was in a coma. I basically slept from 7:30 on only after having a bowl of cereal as a follow up for the chips as a dinner. YUCK. And normally, chips aren't my thing. It would be much more typical if I were to eat 1/2 a container of ice cream. So I think that is exactly why my body shut down - just not used to salt. Definitely used to sugar but not salt.
So I woke up today a little before 6:00 feeling so much better. Ready to get going...for the first time in months I actually think I am ready to LOOK at being healthier. Plus, I shared a bunhc of my good vitamins and other herbal stuff w/ a friend yesterday and as I was making her a little gift bag, I thought to myself "why don't YOU follow this regimen better?". Lazy.
So, putting that all together, I think I am truly ready so stay tuned. My brain KNOWS what to do so we will see how much willpower I have. Well, we know i have zero willpower so let me rephrase that...We will see how focused I can stay.
Good bye Halloween candy. Good bye ice cream. Hello water. Hello vitamins.
In the meantime, on the way to my newly inspired motivation, my children are driving me totally crazy. I want to shove them out the door. M and L fight so much there is no break...oh wait, a break, it's quiet - it's a miracle. They just go on and on with each other until I am ready to just blow up. So I just quietly walked into the kitchen, took their HUGE bags of candy out of the pantry and took it away. Of course, it's "unfair" and I "don't listen to anything" and I "blame everyone for things that are Lily's fault' and "nothing in this house is fair" and "maeve called me mean" and cry cry cry and pout pout pout and blame blame blame. You know what I think...I think they should all ZIP IT.

Tired but good

Well I have to say I am way tired. I know why. All week Peter has had a really hard time sleepign alone. And we all know, I am a sucker. I hate seeing him sad. So, I have sacrficed good sleep for good love. And I am not kidding. That child is a LOVE BUG. Who would dare to say no to him? You know what you get? Spontaneous hugs and kisses. Whispers of I love you. So that is all the good stuff. The negative side is that I sleep like shit. So, I am tired but well loved. I guess I will take that every time.
He is currently buttering me up for another night by telling me he "likes" my snoring.
Tomorrow I get to be the Realtor I want to be. Tomorrow I am working with a Lincoln Park couple who is moving to the burbs. This is my favorite job in real estate - selling MP or AH to the very same couple we were 11 years ago. So months of listings and investors, alas, I get a good gig in real estate.
Saw Mitch Album tonight on Chicago Tonight. He said something I really loved - he was quoting someone else so I am not sure, as I was half listening, who originally said it but it was in response to a question he asked of the person and their happiness. The person said "be thankful for what God gave you. Be satisfied and be content with what God gave you.". I really liked it.

Who was that?

I saw someone today that I barely recognized. I saw her in the reflection of the doors at Fairview. It was ME. My mirror and my brain NEVER see that person. What a sad state of affairs that we actually have to CARE SO much about our bodies...I continue to struggle w/ just the pull between leave me alone and let me drink hot chocolate and I know I would feel better if I drank more water. There is no doubt that I would prefer to not care about this shit...I would much rather just not care. But the reality is I know I must. Why? Well, I don't want to be an unattractive bloated 40 something mom I see in the reflection of the store front. I just don't want to do the work. In fact, I am resentful that on top of everything else that I concern myself with, my physical condition is yet another item on the TO DO list. That it's not enough to actually THINK about being healthy, I actually have to actively work on it....just add it to the list. I don't mean to bitch here - this is no pity party. I am not some dumb ass who thinks that just b/c I used to skinny without working at all for it, that I deserve that right forever. I KNOW that everyone has to work at it. I am not trying to be lazy here. I am just trying to be real. My REAL is that I have some free time each day. I do. I am not busy every second of my day. But I want to use that free time to do things I enjoy. And exercise and not eating snacks are things I don't enjoy. I enjoy watching Oprah. I enjoy watching Oprah while eating a snack. I am not happy with the ongoing pressure to break that daily tradition and actually move my body. I know, I know...NO ONE LIKES TO EXERCISE but those who do, get off their arses and get it done and I just bitch about it. Maybe when Peter is in school all day. Maybe I will have more freedom to STILL watch Oprah AND exercise. And no, I don't want to exercise WHILE watching Oprah - I can't concentrate and I am not comfortable. I like to get comfy w/ a blanket and beverage and a snack. Just keeping it real....

Snoring etc.

I snore now. For a while i was in denial. I remember one of the first times someone told me this was my dear friend Stephanie when we got together in Indy. I think this was 6 years ago...maybe 5. In the morning she said "Jules, you snore now". Stef and I had slept in the same room or same apt for 5 or 6 years of lives together. I couldn't believe it. WHY was I snoring. Then Rob would tell me i was snoring and I truly believed it was my allergies. For me, snoring is a repulsive horrible thing a 55 year old fat man would do. Not me. So anyway, my real point is that when I do snore, which I believe is ONLY when I am on my back (I must think this b/c otherwise further embarrassment), Rob will lightly shake the bed to get me to stop. Lately, this is not only getting me to stop snoring, it WAKES ME UP FOR THE DURATION. Now I know it's not his fault b/c he wants to sleep to and I am clearly getting in the way of that. But at the time, I am just furious. Plus I add in the irritation of the REASON I am on my back is b/c my arthritis is so bad in the hips that I can't sleep on my sides anymore. I know, poor me - bad hips, middle aged snoring. Sick of it.
But while I am on it, let me also add a few more ailments that I believe are age related. Lately - zits on my chest. WHAT? Why? I don't even have a chest. It's ridiculous. My memory - it's not JUST that I don't remember things, but I can't explain things...like loss of words. One day this week I signed "Julie" to things all day. WHAT??? As a kid I was called Julie but my family always called me Julia and most other have called me Julia since the mid 80's so what's up with that. Then I tried my hardest to explain that thing when you take money out of your paycheck each month to build up a medical expense fund - see I can't even think of it now. And lastly, the peeing. If I have to pee, it's not a feeling, it's actually pee leaving my body. If I walk even close to the bathroom, I have to pee like I have held it for years. When peter is going potty, I nearly rip him off that toilet so I can pee even though moments before we were in that room, I didn't have to go at all.
So -
I snore
I am sore
I have newly appointed acne
I can't think or remember clearly
And I start peeing before I am fulling even sitting on the toilet.
Well - I will say this. I am getting a guard for my teeth b/c of my TMJ and maybe that will help the snoring. Otherwise, i want my own room. I know I am in the running to inherit the worst arthritis so that's just a sad reality. The acne - who knows and really, who cares. The mind- it's going, I know it's going, I have a long history of brains going so really this is Rob's problem, and the peeing - well, if I pee my pants that's not he worst thing that could happen today.

It's been a week...

Well - It's been a week since my last post. That sentence sounded like a confession - "forgive me bloggers, for it's been an entire week since my last post".
Well, what can I say. Lice came back. I was PMSing (which deserves a post of it's own). Peter was sick. It seems it rained ever minute since my last post. And my house is out of control w/ crap b/c our basement being finished. I climb over crap. And I literally climbed over crap this week b/c Harper was sick again w/ puking. Ahhhh....what a glorious week.
Remember when lice hit our family almost 3 weeks ago and I was so positive, such a good lice role model? Well, that's over. I hit a wall. Something happened when the lice came back that I can't explain. Except for that NOTHING nothing nothing could make me feel better. Not music, not a nap, not my Yankee candles. Nothing. I was a bitch. You know how it if to be really hungover but you have to work anyway - you have to GO ON. That's how it felt. Like all I was truly capable of was about 10 minutes of existence and then I was done. But again, I kept in mind my usual mantra - It's not cancer. Rules to live by. So if I ever DO get cancer, I am going to be shit out of luck.
So we plugged along. Rob was off work for much of this bout so he helped a ton by vacuuming ever square inch of the house. I laundered and treated and picked and laundered. I cried and pouted and cried and pouted more. I was basically a big baby from Wednesday until yesterday. I probably felt better yesterday b/c I was actually sick of being miserable. And I just turned it around.
All of this lice business isn't just physical work - it means my kids miss school, can't have play dates, and when it's raining - can't go outside. Caged. We were caged.
But today is a new day. It's a pretty sad state of affairs when the root canal that i am scheduled for today isn't really phasing me. Could be the Valium, but I think it's because I haven't really had time to dwell on it. Usually the dental work makes me want to puke and hide. But I am doing just fine this morning. The more I think about it, the more I guess it is the Valium.
And of course, I have other things to discuss....work, clients, people. But no time this morning. I just switched laundry, have to shower, get lily up to pick through her hair and pray she can get through the lice gates at the nurses office and get back to school. She NEEDS it. I NEED it.

What I have learned this week...

One thing I learned this week is that I am better and so are the ones around me when I have very little extra "out of the house" duties. A big full plate is something that works well for some - motivates them, encourages them, keeps them stimulated. And when I first had the girls, I yearned for that. I wanted meetings, projects, collaboration, results- whether they were work or volunteered related. I felt successful in some arena of my world. And loved the positive feedback! When I taught Gymboree Music and some parent would say "great class" or a child REALLY learned something, I was thrilled b/c as is true for most mothers, my "home" duties went mostly unrecognized. So the stress of getting ready for class each week was worth it - the trade of was a good one. Fast forward through all the "extra"things I have done since Maeve was born - work, festivals, community events....from time to time in life, they have all been worth the trade off. But recently, I have really had to reconsider if that holds true any more.

I can't explain why but maybe I don't need the "positive feedback" anymore - I mean, still the home duties aren't popular for gaining me any strokes but maybe I just don't need that anymore. I can't say for sure on that one. But these days I am much happier saying NO to committees and events and sometimes even work. I am happier being at home, settled in with my crew. Happier cleaning, cooking, reading, and being. I am not saying that I will never do anything again but I think I will consider the "trade off" each time. Yesterday I was in charge of crafts for the Fall Festival. This is so reflective of the change within me. A few years ago, I planned that entire event and even though I recognized the stress of it, the trade off was HUGE. I was proud and felt it was a good accomplishment. Fast forward and yesterday I couldn't even manage to drum up much enthusiasm for the craft table.

Some of this enlightenment came last week when the Nicolls were sequestered w/ lice. I honestly can say those were some great days. I was relieved of all of my out of house duties and the kids obviously were too. We were just HERE. It was amazing how much calmer we all were with no where to go. We had plenty to do under this roof and I really enjoyed it. And I could feel a real difference in me during the lice. SINGLE MINDED and that single was HOME.

The shift within me is not fully understood by me but I really feel it enough to recognize it. Maybe next year, I wll be right back into the thick of activity. Who knows. But for now, I want nothing more than to build a fire, light a candle and hunker down. Call it old school or my continued wish to be Ma Ingalls but this is certainly a better match for me these days than sitting in the freezing air encouraging kids to come make pine cone bird feeders or showing a client, who I know will never ever buy anything, a house this afternoon. The trade off is just not worth it.

The NRA.....yes, the NRA

Well for days now, I have been getting calls w/ "NRA" on the caller ID. And unless really necessary, I don't usually answer the phone, especially for things like the NRA. But today, the mood struck me right to answer the phone, to find out exactly why the NRA is stalking me every day.
Hello.
Can I speak with Mr. Nicoll?
Nope, he's not home.
Okay, we will try him again.
Really? You don't want to talk to me - I am MRS. Nicoll?
Uh...okay. Hi, I am Jason and I am a member of the NRA. Can I play you a audio segment from the President of the NRA and have you answer some questions after.
Sure.
I then listen to Mr. NRA President talk w/ outrage about the United Nations trying to take away our 2nd amendment and just wait until the "gun hating elite media" portray the US as getting in the way of the UN's bill.....blah blah blah.
After Jason says "did you get a chance to hear the message?"
Yep.
"Are you comfortable with "THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES DECIDING OUR RIGHTS?"
Hmmm, wait a minute. 3rd world countries?
So I say "I know you just said 3rd world countries but do you mean the UN?".
"Well, yes, the UN is made up of many 3rd world countries."
I say "AND other countries like England, THE UNITED STATES,....."
"Yes, England is in the UN".
Then I finally just had to break this up w/ a big reality check. So I say "listen - when you call people up on the phone in hopes of gaining some momentum or commitment and you use language not quite totally accurate, you will loose all thoughtful, intelligent people along the way. Certainly, most people don't just BUY this crap do they? And I can speak for both MR and MRS Nicoll - we are anti gun all day long so you have called the wrong house. And I have another question - why did you ask for my husband and not me?"
"Well, we find that morr men than women like to weigh in on gun issues".
I felt like Seth Myers from Weekend Update when I had to give the "really?"
"Well, I would like to thank you for taking the time today."
And I would like to thank you for making my blood boil.

Proud mother

Today in the car...
"Maeve, you know how I said I can't read Chapter books? Well I only have about 4 pages left in a Judy Blume book. I read the whole thing starting last night. Ask mommy!" Lily said.

"I don't need to ask Mommy" said Maeve.

"You believe me?" Lily said.

"Yes, I believe you b/c I have always said you are a good reader". Maeve replied.

I just drove, acting like I wasn't eavesdropping on their conversation and smiled the whole time. So proud of them both. I will never forget this moment.

Random thoughts..Jewel, Real Estate and lice

Well I went to Jewel yesterday and I have to say - the prices were unbelievable. I was going crazy. I was DYING to discuss w/ someone - an employee, a shopper. No one cared. I couldn't believe it. I was alone in my passion. I was definitely talking out loud enough that if other wanted to join in, they could have just jumped right into my disbelief. But, instead, people acted like $1 Goldfish was an everday day thing. I would say "can you believe this?" And they would look at me like I was nuts.
So, I race home to tell Rob - "I got Life cereal for a buck fifty!!". He could barely care.
Now...I realize that I have always been driven by a bargain but come on. DOESN'T ANYONE REALIZE HOW FABULOUS IT IS TO GET A BIG BOX OF GRANOLA BARS FOR 2 BUCKS.

Anyway - I had to go inward and move on. It really sucks to have to squash joy.

I had an excellent Open House and felt my Real Estate ignition turn on just a bit for the first time in a long time. The attendees were REAL buyers and not just crazies.

And I finally realized what's got me down with the whole lice thing - FEAR. Not the work or the picking or the experience we have had thus far even but the fear of what lies ahead. What if the lice weren't all killed. What if I can't get them all? What if I can't pick them all out of lily's hair by tomorrow when we are back to school. What if I go to pick her hair today and there are MORE? Pure fear.

My sweet boy is having trouble sleeping without me again. It's sweet and for all those naysayers out there who think I am enabling him - shut it. I challenge any loving human to look into his eyes and deny him. He usually goes up to bed and I tuck him in and then he comes down about 3 minutes later and says "I can't sleep very well". It's too sweet. He's in his jammies all warm and snuggly and I know he will just curl up and be loving and funny. I know he will give me tons of kisses and sweetness. Who can deny love? Well I say this much - not mama! And i even think Rob enjoys our evening time b/c it's the only time it's just the 3 of us. So, he just sits w/ us, makes us laugh and then falls asleep so I take him up to his bed....No harm done.

Dark days of lice...

Well the PMA is waning. I'm not gonna lie.
Woke up today a big crab ass. Just pure crabby. All I want to do is sit in my room with a ongoing full cup of hot coffee and watch a mixture of old 90210 reruns w/ some football. But, alas, I am a parent and wife, I must march on.
Complaints of the day -
Why can't the sun shine?
Why are the knives back in the knife block when I really want them in an old Ball Jar?
Why did I ever say I would help with crafts for the Fall Festival. You would think this is no big deal since I used to plan the whole event - but now it seems far to much to ask of myself.
How can I find it in me to fold one more goddam load of laundry?
Then put it away or even ask others to put it away - seems like way too much.
Why can't Peter pee alone?
Why can't Lily count pine cones alone?
Why can't Maeve clean her room alone?
Why can't I just watch 90210?

But onward. I guess I will sign off and vacuum. I think I am supposed to do this every day to make sure I rid our house of nits, live lice - whatever the hell I am fighting here. And then pick some more "seseme seeds" from Lil's hair.
And the Bears have a BI week. I hate BI weeks.

LIfe with Lice

Well, we are surviving life with lice. Sometimes even thriving...

You see, when people make you dinner and you are not able to work outside the home and the children can't attend activities = you hunker down and life is pretty good. I have been super relaxed and even occasionally giddy. It's a pretty interesting snapshot of life...that what makes me happiest is just "being". Not going, not working but just being. And I can not understate the value of dinner being cooked for a family. When we had Peter, it was amazing and I don't think I cooked for 2 months. I truly appreciated it then like you can't believe. So in my book, I would have to procreate or loose a loved one to have dinner brought to my door again. Who would have thought that LICE would have done the trick.

Now there are down sides to lice. Peter can't play w/ friends and he doesn't understand why.

2 of the 3 children have home made hair cuts leaving one of them to look slightly forlorned. The recurrence of lice is always on my mind. An itch, a little piece of fuzz all resemble scary notions to me. But the worst part is having the school nurse comb through Lil's hair day after day and not let her come to school. It's heartbreaking to see her little face and I just hope to God she doesn't feel shamed by the whole. I personally have made this thing into a pretty big party so I am hoping THAT is what she will remember - not the denial into school.

Maeve did get to go back to school for her class election and she DID win the girl representative spot for student council. She is SO happy and I was practically in tears. In fact, Lily asked Maeve if anyone cried after the election and Maeve laughed and said "no, only mommy does that". Anyhoo - I will quote her exact words.

"I have to thank you b/c I think the part that did it for me in my speech was the part about being friends with everyone, even the boys. (my idea). Because when I looked up after reading that, everyone had an expression on their faces like "hmm, she's a good person"".

Seriously - how sweet and hilarious is that??!!

The next day, during out daily lice check with our school nurse, I told the nurse it was all worth getting Maeve back in on Thursday b/c she won the election. The nurse was excited for Maeve and all Maeve said was "there were a lot of great speeches".

Now I truly don't remember being mature in 4th grade and I am certain I wasn't humble. WHO is this girl? I must claim her as my own and be proud. She amazes me daily w/ her genuine kindness and it almost makes up for turtle like movement when we are trying to get out the door each day. Another thing, I might add, NOT inherited from me.

So we plug along and enjoy each day. We have movies and books and finally the sunshine. What can you do, right?

But, if by Tuesday (we are off Monday), the lice are fully back or Lily still can't get into school b/c of the damn nits, I will slit my wrists.

Rice Krispie Treats from a friend
A Blizzard from Dairy Queen
Home made meatballs and gravy
Chilli Mac dinner w/ all the trimmings including Tecate and dessert
Another trip to Dairy Queen for lunch
Treats at Caribou
Home made brownies from my neighbor.
All the pounds I have packed on in the name of fighting lice- WORTH IT.

A few more thank yous...

Also wanted to thank my daughters who are truly seeing the bright side of lice. Lots of TV. To Lily, who has hung w/ me all day w/ very little complaining. And to Maeve, who said when she thought she might miss her class elections (she is running for class rep for student council) that there is "always next year". Clearly her maturity is astounding and closely resembling that of her mother's. And to her friend Ally who called after school to check on her - like a real friend. So sweet and caring.

Long day...I mean week

Well I will start w/ yesterday - no Monday.
On Monday I had my usual medication that is mandatory for me to have dental work. A little Valium and some nitrous. This time it wasn't as effective....I wasn't AS happy as last time. But I survived. A few hours later I went to a funeral. A gut wrenching and beautiful funeral. If there is one thing FO SHO w/ me is that my emotions run the gamut and are at surface level at all times just waiting to be called upon. This is no different this day. My tears were for others. For my friend and her family and their devastation. I could feel their pain in the eulogy and in the priest's words and in the many of attendees. It was a tough one. And it was one of those where you leave thinking.." I am going to live my life differently - i will make big changes - I will appreciate every moment". Hopefully I can follow through on some of that but we all know - even w/ the best intentions, we all slip back into the day to day.
Next - Tuesday. I wake up about 45 minutes later than usual. Could NOT drag my arse out of bed. I am sure it was a bit fat combo of the remaining Valium, Novocaine, nitrous, and sadness that ran through my body the day before. Nonetheless, this 45 mintues indulgence caused me to leave the house about 4 minutes late. For me - that's a big deal. I HATE being late - Well, actually I HATE being on time - I want to be early. So on the way to St. Mark's we are stopped by a train. I had the audacity to look at some elderly drivers and wonder why the hell they couldn't wait until later to be out and about - b/c I mean, seriously - they have all day, don't they? Anyway , as we waited for the train, all I could hope for was that this wasn't a color day. Or a shape day. If I walk in that school and see everyone in blue or bringing circled shaped items for the board, I will just die. As luck would have it - we were safe. Just a regular ole day. Thank goodness.
And last but not least - and Rob feels this isn't Blog appropriate conversation - but I shall not be shamed by this. WE have lice. Yes, the Nicolls have lice. Discovered last night. Treated ever since. I KNOW we will survive it but the process is taking a few months off my life. There is no doubt. But I wanted to take this time to say a few thank yous...
I am thankful for Paula who diagnosed and then SHOPPED for me last night in the dark and wind.
I am thankful for my Mom who took control and told me what to do - I say guide me and I will follow.
I am thankful that I had ZERO plans today to rearrange.
I am thankful for our new 75 gallon hot water heater that has kept up w/ the 7 showers and 5 loads of laundry on high heat.
I am thankful for Jenny who brought me her Grandma Rio's spaghetti sauce and meatballs.
I am thankful for my husband who is always an equal partner and will help me as soon as he arrives home.
I am thankful for Mrs. Sakoufakis for putting off class elections until tomorrow JUST to wait for Maeve.
I am thankful for Mrs. Collins who as always makes me feel better when I call school. Always.
So now, I am off to vacuum the car - to delouse it. And then we are going to Daily Queen b/c DQ helps everything -even lice.

Sunday

Here I sit on a Sunday morning - dark and rainy - what a shocker.
Today is exciting b/c we are going to have a date. This afternoon, Rob and I are have a date to go to Lowes and dinner. Floor tiles and pasta. I am so excited and as I was in bed this morning thinking about this, I figured out that I honestly don't think Rob and I have had a date since we were in Saugatuk in July. I really don't think so. YIKES. That is really scary but true.

A friend of mine's mother in law passed away on Wednesday - suddenly. And when people live an active full life and are funny and laugh and full a room w/ joy, then "sudden" really means SUDDEN. I am still shocked just as a distant observer of the situation. It really is one of those 100 reminders we are all always given to be aware that at any time, any moment, even right now - something shocking can happen like this. This is a family who had a rock - a center - a light. And now they don't. So they will create a new rock but they will suffer and for that I am so sad for them all.

Life w/ Lil continues to be challenging. She is tough, She challenges my every fiber. I am definitely at the top of my game dealing w/ her....meaning, I can not improve. It is what it is. It is either good b/c i have dug deep enough to work through the moment of angst or it's not b/c I can't. The worst part is the feeling of being alone it. It's on me to figure this thing out. It's on me to "fix" this emotional behaviour stuff she has. She doesn't do it at school - so they can't help. So the "what am I going to do about this" can really stress a girl out. Well, at least this girl.

My real estate life continues to be full of a wide range of characters. All of which have little quirks that make them "special" to me. And by special, I mean.....

Cheers to a happy Sunday - good Bears game - a trip to Diddier Farms Pumpkin Patch and our date to Lowes.

A day in the life...dinner and mammograms

How ironic that while Maeve made post it notes for the table tonight w/ our names she made an additional note that said "family dinners are joyful". Yea right. Here is how many of our family dinners go....
I either lazily make crap or energetically make something good.
We either have constant arguing, name calling, back and forth bullshit or we have a civilized meal.
Rob and I either reprimand and control or we laugh at our hilarious loving children.
Guess what kind of dinner we had tonight? Well I can say this much....it WAS NOT JOYFUL.
I kept thinking "did Mrs. Ingalls ever go through this?". Seriously Mary, Laura and Carrie wouldn't have EVER argued about who talks first or who looked at who. They would, with respect and reverence, thank their Ma and Pa for working so hard for providing a meal. Now I realize that Little House on the Prarie was a TV show and maybe not a fair depiction of reality. But I know for sure that if Ma or Pa even had to raise their voice, those kids listened.
I can same the same for Mrs. Huxtable, Mrs. Brady, Mrs. Walton and so on.
Point being is I am tired. Tired of making dinner. Tired of cleaning dinner. But it's all palpable IF at least the audience is kind and thoughtful and at the least, pleasant.

Onto something else....
I had a mammogram today - totally routine. And before I go any further, just to alleviate any stress at all, it was normal. Anyway - I am always quite proud of my ability to handle medical stress. I never jump to conclusions and I feel totally capable of handling anything...(well except for the time Peter was sick last August). Anyway...I marched in there today, so strong and friendly and making sure I sent the message that "this mammogram thing is not going to stress me out!". Even as I sat in my gown flipping through magazines, I made sure my vibe was "easy peasy". So she called me in and was so sweet and kind and my attitude was "no problem". So she said I could go sit and wait for the results. It took a bit longer and I was done w/ a few magazines and then I started thinking..."a - hah! There WILL be a problem -something to try to crack me....but I will just respond with the same attitude - no problem". Then I started thinking..."of course, there's a problem, you are too confident, not nervous enough....poster child for anyone can get breast cancer - even you! program" Then she called me back to say they needed a re -take. "Of course, no problem". Re -takes don't bother me. I had to do re-takes last year. I am tough against re-takes. I am a PRO at re-takes. Some people might be nervous now, but not me...I am easy peasy with the re-takes. Back in the waiting area, I am now convinced there is a problem. Of course, there is. I just read The Middle Place, I have done the Avon Walk, I am far too cocky and frankly, feel like shit every day so YES I probably do have breast cancer. I can imagine her words...She will be kind and try to cushion the blow...I will respond with confidence...that even if she finds something, I will still NOT jump to conclusions. Because I am not really strong in many areas of life...I cry a lot, I am wimpy at athletics, I quit projects when they get too tough....but I have always thought that I am definitely TOUGH at medical stuff...and this damn annual mammogram is NOT going to get to me.
At last, she calls me back to say I am in the clear for another year.
I knew it. No problem.

Life

Well Rob is at KU for the weekend. It's odd - but when he's not here, I can kick it into high gear. I really can. It must be this thing when you know it's on you - you just dig deeper than when you know you share the load. So, we worked w/ fun and efficiency this afternoon and evening. Friends, food, clean up and bed. House clean, dishwasher running, laundry in full swing. Complete efficiency. No meltdowns from children or the adult. Victory.

Our basement is about 1/2 way done. It's coming along. We have excellent people on this job.

Remember a few months ago when I needed a big real estate break...remember when I couldn't take on any more work? Well, I have had about 3 weeks of rest. Still have some work but not the mad rush as before. So now I am in panic mode. It's always a Realtors nightmare that you may never sell another house. My last closing was less than a month ago and I am already wondering...So if you want to become an insane human and function in an industry of feast or famine, I have the job for you. The pros - semi flexible schedule, not a 9-5er, can make some good cash, meet some wonderful people and in the end the biggest pro is that you find someone the house of their dreams. The con - you can become an insane human.

Tough getting back into another good book after reading an amazing book. For me, The Middle Place spoiled me for other books for a while.

Still battling the bulge. Hmmmm.....I am reading Skinny Bitch which my cousin Jeananne recommended. It's good - it's tough - it's full of data. But they lost me at "no coffee".
I do have to read on. I know that. I know that mostly at night when I reflect on the day of poor decisions regarding what enters my body. I also know it in the morning when I look at my clothes and then when I look at those clothes on my body. I know it when I make frozen pizza pretending only the kids will eat it. And I know it when I am secretly looking forward to a kid's birthday party tomorrow morning b/c they said they will have donuts and coffee. To the world of good health I just want to say this...LET ME BE. But I know that is the big baby route so I will soon be the grown up that I am and get focused. Take responsibility. Be strong. Be honest.
After tomorrow.

Check in with the Nicoll kids!

Today I gave Peter a HUGE gift. I brought him to the Village Play Place in Arlington Heights. He LOVES this place. It makes him SO happy to go there. We haven't been since Spring and he asks all of the time. He ran in the door, bellied up for his hand stamp and booked in to the fake grocery store. I love seeing anyone this happy. He had strawberry milk and fruit snacks for snack. He LOVED it. He made friends. He lights up a room for sure. I won big mama points today.

Maeve is off to a great start w/ her viola. She is taking it very seriously. And yesterday even made up a song. She brought the music stand into the kitchen to play for me. She named is "My sister lily" and the notes were "hi, medium and low". How funny. When I tried to make up words to go along w/ the tune, she shook me off quickly. This was her gig.

Lily is a master at many things...one thing is getting stuff done. She comes in - mostly unhappy about something that happened on the way home but then gets to business. She cranks out the homework and chores (w/ some complaining for sure) all in the name of 2 things - a show and the chance to roller blade.

So each day we have tears at some point. For one reason or another, each Nicoll sans Rob, cries every day. But I would say we make out okay on the other end. Just an emotional bunch I suppose.

Sad news..

I started writing this blog b/c a friend of mine's sister wrote a blog I faithfully followed. My friend Dana's sister Cari had breast and then brain cancer. She passed away today. Her blog was always positive and thankful and gracious. She was always hopeful with great perspective. If you want to read her story you can at www.undomestic.blogspot.com
This last month or so has been very difficult for her family. So I am hoping they feel a bit more at peace tonight. Her children are the same ages as mine. I hope that Dana's flight to MN is easy and restful and gets her to her family soon as being together is always better than being far away during times like this.

Chronicles of 9/22

6:20 a.m. - Oh shit - I am already 20 minutes late in the game. I have been waking up at 6:00. Today is a big day - Picture Day, Preschool, water off for the basement all day. Our basement guys come at 7:00 so there is no time for sitting around. I am up. Off to make my coffee when I see a smudge of diarrhea on the carpet by my computer. Harper has been sick so I bet this is from her. I look over to the living room and see about 8 or 9 big spots of diarrhea on our cream colored carpet. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.
I get out the cleaning supplies and get to work. Rob gets out of the shower to report the basement guys are here. It's 6:30. I look up and Peter is standing about a foot from one of the spots. Rob takes Pete and I get to work scrubbing - knowing that our already tired and worn carpeting is going. I don't care if I have to pay some highschool kid $100bucks - this must be pulled up.
7:20 - I wake up Maeve. PICTURE DAY!!
7:45 - She is still not down -stairs. She must be getting really dolled up. I go upstairs where I find her walking aimlessly around her room in her pajamas.
Me - What have you been doing?
Maeve - Reading.
Me - Why - you should be getting ready. We have to take Peter to preschool at 8:30 and it's picture day.
Maeve - You always tell me to read.
Thoughts - WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP.
Me - Zip it and get ready.
8:30 - We are all ready and out the door with time to spare.
10:00 - Off to bring Harper to vet as she seems worse. Call from St. Marks - Peter had a potty accident and needs new shoes.
10:45 - Pick up Nora and Peter and take them to McDonalds. I observe the crowd - mostly high school boys w/ pants too big, bad acne and smirks that I KNOW are b/c they are making fun of everyone around them. Also an older couple w/ pants too high - not only not speaking to each other but reading their own individual books during lunch - AT McDonalds. And a few high school girls w/ pants too tight. WHEN will these girls figure out that is NOT a good look.
And we are off - to the library and then the vet. The good news - Harper has a virus and nothing worse.
1:20 - Time for Pete's nap. I lay down w/ him. Work in the basement is in high gear. We both drift into a nice peaceful state of mind. Soon, a drill is drilling something that is so intense that Peter's bed is vibrating 2 floors up. He SLEEPS through it....and I spring out of his bed just convinced something exploded. But it's nothing...just the work being done.
Any minute the girls will walk in the door. I don't need to wait for them to arrive to finish this Chronicle. It will go like this.
3:45 - BURSTS into the door. Lily is pissed b/c Maeve walked in front of her. Maeve is pissed b/c lily pushed her b/c Maeve walked in front of her. Lily will deny this to loudly and so passionately that she is now in tears over this crazy accusation. They both have a million things to tell and it's not fair that the other one goes first. Why don't we have lemonade. Why did you give me a cheese stick in my lunch.
Finally around 8:30 tonight, I will sit down and know the day is behind me. I will probably watch some DVRd show I like - Oprah, Daily Show, The Actors Studio.
And I will wake up tomorrow and do it again. But hopefully without the diarrhea.

Order and peace and this body of mine!

Today I have big plans. I have already began the plan - I slept in a little bit. Made my coffee and toast and am blogging. Next I will light my candles, make a To Do list, and get to work. One thing on my To Do list is to REfocus on this body of mine.
March-July, I lived a healthy life of great diet, taking my vitamins and drinking loads of water. I even took it to the next level by tryng things like Dandelion Tea. AND I stretched and tried to exercise. ( I DESPISE exercise). Then after 7/4 I completely stopped...I don't know why...but I did. So I am back to where I was. And that place goes like this...
Pants too tight....even underwear seems to be a burden...eating horrible foods..puffy face...not enough water....guilt, shame, exhaustion. Well, a girl can bitch or a girl can work. So, I am BACK in the game as of today.
Another thing on my To Do list is to gut/clean/purge. I do this about 3 times a year...and back to school is definitely one of them. I start to feel like if I can't get my physical space in order, I can't get ANYTHING in order. There are a million of things I wish I COULD do that would definitely help but I can't....like pulling up the carper in the living room b/c of horrible stains I can't keep my eyes off. Or knocking down walls in the mud room to make a more efficient space. Even the mis-matched desk to book shelf is making me insane. I am not OCD - for the most part, I really am not. But every once in a while, I can take it no longer. And I am here.
I will also look at the calender, schedules, lists, groceries.
I WILL be organized. I WILL start tomorrow focused and energized.
I WILL love every moment of the Bears game and The Emmy's.
THIS will be a great day!

He WILL leave me..someday

23 years ago my parents dropped me off at Hanover College. After a couple hours of unpacking and a little tour around, they finally said good-bye. This moment will forever be plastered in my memory as a life changing moment. I didn't know it then, but this experience made me SOME of who I am now. And as outgoing as I was, I was also an insecure 18 year old . When they walked away, I couldn't watch. I knew I as alone. Truly alone. Knew not a soul. 5 hours away from home. Didn't have a roommate b/c they put me with an RA so I just really knew no one. I felt a pit of loneliness and fear that was foreign to me up to that point in my life. I felt awkward, embarrassed, weird. I wondered who will I eat with - who will I talk with and who will I become. But one thing is for sure, I never ever thought about how my mom felt leaving me, her baby, alone and far away. Until yesterday.
Yesterday I dropped Peter off to preschool for the first day. I KNEW it I would be teary b/c I get choked up by State Farm commercials. But a complete emotional collapse was not what I envisioned. I was sobbing in the car. And I had to explain to Lily, who was with me, that this was a natural emotion that all mommy's feel as it's a reminder of their babies growing up. Then I said "imagine how Grandma Mary felt when she brought me to college far away from home". Then it hit me...I never had imagined that before. And I don't think she ever told me how she felt. Maybe she felt relieved b/c to be honest, I was kind of a bitch that summer. But it was a big full circle moment for me.
It's not tough - it's IMPOSSIBLE - to understand parenting until you do it. What a wretched way to go about life. Wouldn't it be so much more fulfilling and EASIER if only we all KNEW. But we don't.
I do know this...I sobbed "he will leave me someday" in my car like a psychopath. The more I talked, the more I cried. I wanted to go back for one more hug, one more kiss. I didn't want him to forget me for a moment. I understand now how Rob's mom must feel about him and how my mom must feel about me.....or even more, my brother...(because let's face it, he IS her favorite for sure!).
I am better today and I know I will be okay when I bring him next week. But I will admit - just to seal our deal of LOVE and devotion, I slept with him in his bed. He often requests it and I often deny it only b/c it's not "appropriate". But last night I could care less about appropriate. I snuggled in and staked my claim with my boy.

Under New Management

Well as the effects of the Valium and Nitrous have worn off, I find myself fighitng a bad sore throat and vicious PMS. Can't I still take the Valium?
Here is my dilemma. I melted today under the pressure of management. Right when I think I am at the top of my game, the descent begins. I have everyone scheduled appropriately. Everyone has a new system of telling them exactly what is expected of them each day - chores, extras, homework. They know how much TV they can watch. We are all on the same page.....right? But despite my best attempt to alleviate any chaos or doubt of expectations, I am STILL managing each little emotional and psychological rise and fall of each day. So let me be clear - anything they did today to make me insane isn't different than any other day. Every single day Maeve argues about the slightest request. Every single day Lily falls to the floor and moans when asked to do her chore. It's just THIS day I can take it no longer. And I know it's because my estrogen is dropping to the floor lovingly preparing my body to shed it's uterine lining. And even though I know this to be true, I don't know how I am going to get through it. Even though my brain says "this is temporary, this is just PMS", I have no idea how I will parent effectively again. I can no longer manage these peopl e- their nutrition, their brains, their souls and their hearts.
And I am constantly reminded when I find myself sucked dry - that no one is managing me - including myself.
And even though I WISH they could just play and be free, they can not. It's life. School has started and so has my descent into stress and agitation. I am falling - free falling. Pretty soon there will be sign above our front door looking for new management.

Good drugs and Real Estate

I had the pleasure to have a little Nitrous Oxide today and I have to say - it kicked ass. I felt so calm and relaxed but also happy. And I had wonderful thoughts traveling through my head - like how much I loved Dr. Kakos. How I wondered how he lived - like did he just come home, eat dinner and hang out. Was he just as sweet and funny with his wife as he was with me. And then he said the words "you are doing great. I am proud of you". I wanted to say " i am proud of you too. I love you so much".
I am still feeling the effects of the Valium and Nitrous and loving every minute of it....soon I will go to bed and I can't wait.
Onward -
Here is a question I have for sellers. Are you trying to drive me out of this business? Are you tring to make me crazy? I have a new approach. I am no longer psychologically managing my buyers and sellers. I am now "just the facts". After spending the summer talking clients and other realtors off the ledge, I am done. So when a seller wants to sabotage selling his home, I will no longer go into the multitude of reasons he should rethink his position. I will no longer spend time presenting factual reasoning for the decisions that hsould be made. I will no longer pretend I understand or even care about their f'd up perspective. Mama is done.
Do you want to buy a house? Did you find the one you want and you can afford. Then buy it. Don't try to outguess or out maneuver the seller. Don't try to "win" some ridiculous battle of negotiations b/c you read online that is this market a seller should be happy to even get an offer. Don't reference something you recently learned on HGTV. Just listen to your Realtor and buy that damn house.
You want to sell? Do what I say and we will sell. If you would rather sabotage the success of your transaction, than by all means sabotage away b/c in 6 months when you still haven't sold and you want to know why - I will more than happy to point out that 6 months ago you didn't listen to me and I will go to bed w/ a clear mind and you will go to bed wondering how the F to sell your house!
Lesson #45 in Real Estate - Get the hell out of your own way and don't mess with me while medicated.

One more thing....

Listen and enjoy. Even though you will be brought to tears, you wil be happy. Happy that someone out there can verballize the very emotion that you feel too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNY8KL_YSlc

See how Peter and feel about the boat ride - that is how i feel about the dentist..

Coherant

I am writing this moment after I took a Valium. I took it b/c I have a big dentist appt in teh moring...I am supposed to take another one tomorrow morning. Fine by me. I am not even sure what they are doing tomorrow as I have instructed my dentist I am on a "need to know basis" with my dental care. And by "need to know", I basically mean I "don't need know". I need to arrive, FEEL drugged enough to not care, have headphones on, warm neck roll and then go home. The actual dental work can remain a mystery to me. The other day I saw an Endondonstis to discuss Retreatment of an existing root canal. He starts in on the root, pictures, infectoins, bone, etc. I stopped him and said - seriously I don't care. The details make me want to puke. so no thanks I mean unless they have to remove all 8 front teeth - I am good.

I might ahe started feeling the Valium. I think that b/c I can't really type. Or see much anymoe either. So I better sign off and focus on our morning activities.

Before I sign off - just wanted to send a message out to all those sellers. Stop drivng me crazy.
Okay - i am pracitallly sleeping now...this shit kicks in fast...
later peeps

Survived

Well yesterday was quite a day. The good news is that I am pretty much over it. It was just one of those days when you want to just run into the house to get something but you forgot you locked the door. Then you can't find the keys. Or you JUST want to enjoy a beer outside but the bees are swarming....I could hear "you get 10,000 spoons when all you need is a fork" in my head all day.
It was also one of those days where there was very little room for error...a tight schedule in which all participants MUST be on their game or we could all go down. So take the schedule and set it to the tune of "Isn't it Ironic" and you get a pretty f'd up day.
However - we survived.
We survived the fact that I held on to a living room full of crap to give to Amvets on 9/11 for about 3 weeks and then they drove by my house and didn't pick up.
We survived a 1:20 eye appt. where the DR didn't see us until 2:58 (believe me, I know the minute she walked in b/c I was planning my dramatic exit for exactly 3:00)
We survived an eye appt that resulted in NO answer as to what we are going to do to fix this eye issue Lily has.
We survived Harper's dental cleaning in which they were supposed to call me with updates throughout the day to let me know how she was doing but they never did. We survived the ongoing thoughts in my head that they weren't calling b/c they were trying to figure out how to tell me she passed away during the anesthesia.
We survived the burning desire I had to tell the Vet's receptionist that her English accent was clearly fake and that I could do a better accent.
We survived (or I should say Maeve survived) the fact that even though maeve knows to walk directly home after school, she "chatted" for a few minutes which caused her to be late home and caused me visions of seeing myself running down the street hysterical with the Heinekin that was in my hand (yep, at 3:50).
All in all, we made it. I could just hear my Dad's voice "it's not easy jules. Poor old Mamma".

Great life

Last night I attended the Orchestra Parent and Kids meeting at Lincoln w/ maeve. She was SO excited. I had zero expectations but I did anticipate chaos and too much information. However, to my delight, I left there an emotional mess overwhelmed w/ joy for the opportunities my kids have. Here they have this wonderfully gifted woman who is so passionate about music in their lives through school. SCHOOL is giving this to them. I mean, w/ some cash, but for the most part our SCHOOL is doing this. I guess I am amazed b/c I realize that our district does a lot of great things and my girls have been happy as clams there. But I never dreamt that they would have the opportunity to learn the viola. Or even to be taught what a viola is truthfully. So it's beyond my wildest expectations that Maeve will get group and individual Viola lessons from Mrs. Fry - someone who has her masters in music w/ a specialty in strings.
What a gift! Mrs. Fry didn't want to tell the kids the instrument that won her heart when she was is in 4th grade b/c she didn't want to sway the kids when the pick. But our group had already picked the instruments so after a student asked, she said "viola". I looked over at Maeve and she was beaming - smiling so wide and so excited b/c Maeve also chose the Viola. You could tell she thought that was something pretty fabulous. I drove home feeling so excited. And I said to Maeve "well you have a pretty darn good life" and she said "yepperdoodle".

Now, I realize that my sentimental journey into life and opportunity will probably come to a screeching halt when I am begging Maeve to practice and reminding her of the commitment she made and......Well, I am just going to hold onto my sweet thoughts until that moment comes. Because it will come soon enough.

Lovey

Here is one of my favorite pictures of the year...Super Man.
There is a new feature on my posts for all you blog readers...you can click a box at the end to express how you feel about it. Cheers -

Tell me what to do..

Well, Lily has sty eye again. It's tough b/c these are the times when I wish someone would just tell me what to do....
Take her to the DR tomorrow and demand they drain the eye. Okay!
It's fine, let it make it's way, it's not serious. Okay!
Tell the DR no more antibiotics b/c those are good to be taking for so long and clearly ineffective. Okay!
And I dont' want the DR to look at me with options - "well you could try..... or we could do....." JUST TELL ME. I can't be the decider all of the time..it's just too much.

There are times I will walk in my room and see all the clean clothes that need to be put away and I just WISH my mom would put them away for me.

Same with my social life - so much wish that Rob would come home one Friday and say - "we are going out tomorrow night- all set up". Really? All set up? KICK ASS.

Basically I am yearning for guidance - to not lead - to not drive. I have been struggling with this emotion all summer. I talked about it with my dear wise friend Kristi and so now when she checks in with me she will say "found a driver yet?".

What is more interesting is to wonder why I am thinking of all this now...what has triggered such a strong need NOT to lead/decide/control??? I guess with all things it's balance - you just naturally need balance and I am a tad out of balance. I realize that w/ my personality (as rob would say to me -"you say you don't want to lead but you do") that it may appear that I want to lead - but to be honest, sometimes I don't. Can we have it both ways - does it have to be one or the other? Lead or don't lead. Can't a girl have a night off?

Home sweet home..

Home from camping....Wow - I have to say, as w/ everything in life, it was a learning experience.

We, as suburbanites or even city slickers, have had nature SO pulled out from around us that we will go to strange lengths to get back to it. As we worked setting up the tent and our chairs and getting ready, I thought about "then what". So we come all the way out here and do so much work for.....what? Well, just to observe and live with nature. Which I really love. The smells, the sounds...all reminds me so much of being AT camp as a kid or being at my Grandma's which I desperately miss. I love to breathe the air, have the kids run free and listen to the birds.

But what this suburbanite didn't quite realize was my great love for city water. It's crisp and clean and comes hot OR cold. I also LOVE the smell of city water - pure and fresh. So I guess my point is that well water just aint my thing...I am a city girl in that way. I love you Lake Michigan water!

I also underestimated my love for my own bathroom - a place where only about 4 or 5 people come to visit all of whom I know and love.

I guess I also didn't really consider the company. I mean, I will admit as much as I love to meet new people, I tend to gravitate to people who are like me. In some way, like me. I didn't really know that campsites are so communal - so close, like cozy neighbors. It's pretty unlikely that anyone in my circle of friends would ever have a call to 911 dialed up on them. It's true, that on Friday night, our first night amongst the nature, I reached for my cell phone to make the big 911 call when I heard sirens from afar but coming our way. Thank goodness b/c about 5 campsites down, at 3:30 in the moring, some drunk woman wanted her drunk looser boyfriend to give her back her "fucking cell phone" so she could call the "fucking cops". She screamed this, amongst other things, about 20 times which echoed through the trees and I am quite confident woke up every human there. Now that is just not why I came to camp. It brought back those old Child Welfare days and I am sure some suppressed PTSD. Ahhhh....nature.

Then, after about 30 minutes of on an off sleep (and I am NOT exaggerating) Peter woke up to tell me "it's morning". Yes it was and frankly I was happy b/c who was sleeping anyway. I took my little Bear into the not so thriving town of Dundee to get a coffee at the BP. Half the reason I wanted to take a drive was to warm up in the car since it was about 40 degrees that night. On the way back from getting my coffee, right when I thought things might be looking up, Peter threw up. He continued to throw up intermittently until about noon. It wasn't horrible but nonetheless, puke. He would rally then puke. And as bummed as I was for HIM, there was a secret little part of me that was optimistic that this was my ticket out of there. However, we made a deal that if he wasn't better by a certain point, we would go home. Well, he was totally healed by noon. So my PMA had to kick in and I had to rally.

I did and we had a very nice evening, a much better nights sleep and a good day today. We saw some beautiful things and I think the kids had the time of their life. And although I am a bit worse for the wear, I am not giving up on camping. I have learned some things on this trip I can implement next time. Bring more socks, a clothes line, flip flops for the bathroom, winter coats for sleeping, and the list goes on.

I camped. I did it and I am tough. I slept on the ground. I ate like crap. I hiked up a tower to see beautiful things. And I even have Peter randomly telling people "I'm a Hoosier". So I am thinking the trip might be worth it all after all.

Camping we will go..

Today we are leaving to go camping at Kettle Morraine State Park in WI. I don't know much about it - so that is exciting. I am not the "driver" or this trip and I must say for that I am SO thankful. It's fun to be the passenger - just sit back and enjoy and not bear the weight of any responsibility regarding the successes of the trip. Feels great. I am "along for the ride" and loving it. The kids are pumped and so the adventure will begin in 2 hours.
I LOVE traveling w/ the family. I really love our little trips we take. Away from phones, work (for the most part), household chores, etc.
I haven't camped in a long time -and truth be told - I have never really camped. Well - I have slept in tents but they were put up for me...so that doesn't count right? I did go to camp for about 8 years straight growing up...so I am the queen the campfire song or game.
So my biggest concern re. the trip is how I will have my morning coffee. Oh...and my hips hurting on the ground - Mama has some bad hips. And the bees.

Getting it together

I feel like Ihaven't blogged in so long. Last week seems a million miles away. My mental health in most of August suffered at the hands of hosting an exchange student. Not that the student was the issue - but all the hosting duties really weighed heavy on me. But that is over and I now feel so much better.
School is starting out very well. We did have tears last week from one 4th grader I know. When I was explaining that this year I think she should really take her time (I DO take my time) and that maybe she could put in extra effort to make her writing the best it could be (It IS the best it could be) and that even though she says she tried her hardest I might know better ( you don't know me!!!!) she then begins to cry. To be frank, I found the tears to be a load of crap. This is gut check time and the way I see it is this...She has been super lucky to be fairly bright and be able to skate by, but now I think is the time to dig deep and show me some stuff. I speak from experience - I was lucky enough to skate by too and I will say this...I KNEW I WAS SKATING...and so does she. So save the tears for someone who didn't skate.
Other than that, the kids are good. Lily still has some clothing issues - too tight, too loose, too small, too long, too short, too rough, too "fashiony", not "fashiony" enough. Each morning I pray that I don't see her walk out in this blue High School Musical Tshirt and fleece blue pants - her uniform from last year. 3 out of the 4 days of school this year, she has worn that shirt....I HATE THAT SHIRT.
Okay - other than THAT, the kids are good.
I love having Peter to myself and I love getting back to resting while he naps. I put him down and then i get a snack, book, blanket and rest. I adore that time. And I know I gush over that child but he is a gift. A real gift. He is unbelievably loving and somehow God knew, despite the inattention from me in the last decade or so, that I needed that boy in my life. So thanks be to God and the bottle of Riesling I drank that night.